am i being petty?

so my parents watch DD 1x/week and awhile ago my mom asked me to give her a bunch of toys that DD can play with there. The agreement was that the toys would come back to my house and i would swap them out with new stuff when she outgrows them... DD has 3 cousins close in age that live about 45 mins away. They come by often and play with the toys as well, so it's been good to have them all there to keep them occupied when they come over.

Anyway, one of the cousin's mother, my oldest sister, is a PITA. She is a hot mess and always leaves stuff around my parent's house, takes other people's things "accidentally" and swears she'll return it but never does, she doesn't watch her own kid and he is always falling down the stairs and stuff, barely bathes her son, etc. etc... So today, I get a video in a group chat of her son playing with DDs really nice tea set that I gave my mom about a year ago. Her son is saying "thank you for the tea set nana" in the video and is like licking the tea set with his face FULL of spaghetti sauce it was such a mess. So I immediately responded saying "wait is that DDs set? I bought that to keep at mom's house since she watches once a week, but it wasn't intended to give away"... My dad was in the group chat and started going off on me saying I'm being petty and to let it go because DD didn't play with it much. He also continued on to say it was a small price to pay for getting their help once per week. I responded by saying that wasn't the point, and that they should ask me first before giving something away. My sister then stated they weren't keeping it and they were just "borrowing" it for a week and giving it back. I know i won't ever get it back because that is just how she is, but it's not really the point. I am not resurfacing this discussion ever with my family because they clearly don't understand my point, but I guess I just want to hear that other people agree with me that it's kinda crappy and I'm justified in being pissed off about this lol

am i being petty?

I would be annoyed too. I don’t like that your Dad made a comment that it is a small price to pay for them to watch your daughter. I personally, do not like the implication of help that comes with strings attached.

am i being petty?

On one hand, I totally get why you'd be annoyed. On the other hand, I'm always trying to downsize toys so I would try not to let it bother me. Just don't send things there that you want to keep for years to come or that your daughter really cares about.

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Put her in daycare full time and only give toys your don't care about.

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I'd be annoyed as well, but it's probably one of things that I would just let go.

am i being petty?

I would be furious. My mom watches my children too 2x a week. I have sent them with a ton of toys there but I also “encourage” my mom to watch them at my house. They used to go there much more frequently but since I changed jobs and my parents gave me a hard time over the summer about many things, I limit it. But I still have toys there including an expensive train set for them to use because I don’t want my kids to suffer when they do go there. My mom also purchases her own stuff. This year at Christmas, because I have twins she bought many doubles and then asked for them back to keep at her house! I was floored she gave them things they get excited about only to take them back for herself when they barely go there at this point! So I totally get your point of view because I would be annoyed if my sibling had a child and my parents gave away my children’s toys to them. I work hard as does my husband to buy them things here and there and I would be extremely upset. To be honest I would take back EVERYTHING and ask your mom to watch her at your house and then your mom can buy toys for her grandkids to keep at her house. I’m sorry your dad made that comment as well. My parents did that multiple times and now it’s cost them their relationship with not only me but their grandchildren as well. I made sure to get a new job just to have my mom go from watching them multiple days a week to 1, maybe 2 at best and only for a few hours instead of like 35 hours a week...

am i being petty?

Don’t have family watch your kids. I learned that lesson long ago

Re: am i being petty?

You are not being petty, I would feel the same way.

BUT...

1. Don't let family watch the kids, it's like an official rule at our house

and most importantly,

2. Always send the toys you DONT like or want to their house. Let them have the annoying toys, or the duplicates. It's only 1x per week you are saying. Keep the stuff you want at your house for the other 6 days of the week.

Now you know, so adjust accordingly.

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am i being petty?

I know from other responses that I am in the minority on this, but yes I think you are being petty. If your child likes a toy or it is expensive, then that toy should be left at home, not brought to a grandparents house for a once a week visit. Once the toys are brought to the grandparents house (or anyone else's house for an extended period of time) they are up for grabs. Usually older and less played with toys are taken to family members homes for visits.

In the big picture, are you willing to lose your family relationship over a play tea set?

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am i being petty?

Families suck. My SIL has taken all of DD’s Christmas presents home with her two years in a row because she assumed they belonged to her kids. Luckily DD is pretty easy going and didn’t throw a fit.

I don’t think you’re being petty but I do think perhaps it’s time to find alternate childcare. Do your parents watch your sister’s kid?

am i being petty?

It’s petty but I would definitely have reacted the same way lol. Lesson learned send her with the stuff you need to get rid of.

am i being petty?

honestly petty, to me there are deeper issues w your sister if this bothers you a lot JMO

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If you want to maintain this arrangement, then I wouldn't send expensive toys you care about to your parents house.

If this is part of a larger issue, just put your daughter in daycare full time. It's easier than fighting with family.

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Sorry, I'm going with the petty crowd. The sentence that really got me was...

"she doesn't watch her own kid and he is always falling down the stairs and stuff, barely bathes her son, etc. etc..."

The kid was being polite and thanking his nana for a toy.

I agree with the advice given - don't bring over stuff you really like and if at all possible, find alternative child care. The strings attached in regards to that comment would really annoy me.

Re: am i being petty?

Where was the video? I think the idea that a video was sent to you is more upsetting. Had they just passed the toy along would you have even noticed?
I get the holding watching your child over your head but the savings can be significant and I would keep getting the help

am i being petty?

I can understand you being annoyed, but as someone who does have family watch their kids, I could care less if my nieces or cousins end up with a toy of ours. Yes, if it was a favorite toy or something (which I wouldnt send over to my mom) I would be annoyed and ask for it back. But if it a toy that gets 5 minutes of play a week...good riddance! Once less toy in the house. I wouldn't expect my mom to keep tabs on which toy is for which kid, if she has her other grandkids over, they all play with the toys. If another kid favored that toy, please go ahead and enjoy it.

am i being petty?

I understand you being annoyed, but what struck me more than anything is it sounds like your nephew doesn't have a lot of good things in his life and he was getting a lot of happiness out of the tea set. So try to look at it like that - this little kid whose mother (it sounds like) is not doing too well by him - got some joy out of something. Some much needed joy