Adjusting your relationship with new baby

Sooooo i have a quetion for those whose Significant oyher works while you stay at home with the baby.

Does at night do you ask your SO to help out at all or do they take it upon themselves to do so if needed even though they are back to work and you are not? I am taking 12 weeks off then when I go back DH will take 4 weeks off before we put her in daycare. And it's a constant back n forth n bickering on if he should help at night since he works all day. He doesn't realize me staying home is not me staring at the wall all day on top of the lack of sleep. It's only been 12 days and I feel like we are not adjusting well to the new responsibilities.

He stayed home week 1. Where he still slept at night (maybe wake up once or twice to get a bottle). And would sleep till 10am before really helping. My mom has been coming everyday this week. But I feel like why should I ask you to have to help. It's not about us anymore it's about her right now. And as much as he complains how tired he is. He is the one that is sleeping and telling people I'm the one missing out on the sleep.

I need advise before it gets any worse. How did you all deal or dealing with this new adjusent?

Sorry so long. Thanks of you'veafe it this far! Lol

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

DH took 3 weeks off and I took 8 weeks.

During the 3 weeks DH was off with me, he got up at night with me. Once he went back to work, I let him sleep and I got up. Once I went back to work, DS slept through the night. If by chance DS gets up at night while we are both working, we take turns.

My DH was extremely hands on and I realize I am very lucky for that. If you are unhappy with his participation, I think you need to have a talk with him ASAP. The longer you accept it, the harder he will be to break.

Adjusting your relationship with new baby

He does help and is hands on. But more of when he thinks he needs to be or has a comment for everything as he does something I ask him to do. It gets annoying and it's like just do it without all of the extraness.

I do wake up and let him sleep but I guess I want him to understand if I so need u for something at night for whatever reason just suck it up and do it without the comments. I know when I go back to work I'll still wake up if need be and realize guess what that's what comes with having a baby.

Adjusting your relationship with new baby

When i was on maternity leave DH helped witht he baby but no I did not ask him to do things around the house.

When I went back to work we share the chores around the house other than laundry ( i don't trust him with my clothes).

Anythign with DS its 50/50. We both need to lose sleep.

No way in hell I would ever let him sleep til 10 when I am up takign care of DS.

Message edited 2/7/2013 12:14:21 PM.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

DH works 12-hour shifts and starts helping out the minute he walks in the door. On his days off, he often has DD more than I do. We are new parents, DD is 3-months-old, and he sees how much I'm going through and how much work an infant is, so he really steps up to give me a break.

My DH has a stressful job, but I think he sees it as less stress than being home with baby. Lol.

Adjusting your relationship with new baby

I didn't have to ask my Husband to help, he just knew. I was pumping at night so we both were up for every feeding, even when he went back. I pumped while he fed DS a bottle. We were a team.
At the beginning, we both shared everything and both took naps during the day when we could. We really try and be 50/50 but I will not lie, he probably does more like 80% even now that our DS is 12 months. I work from home so he walks in the door from work around 7:30 and takes DS. He gives him a bath and then a bottle and they read. He puts DS to sleep himself around 8:30 pm. Occasionally, DS will wake up while DH is getting ready for work and they eat breakfast together and then they wake me up (around 7am). I then work all day with DS home and it's not easy. He more then understands that.
Sleeping till 10am? NO WAY! I mean occasionally if you both are giving each other a long stretch of sleep, sure. But just him!? I didn't have to deal with that because my DH just got out of the Marines and he barely slept 5 hours straight for the past few years.
I don't think I would have been able to ease into mommy hood with a DH that didn't help. I think I would just feel resentment. If you are going back to work I would figure this out now.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

My DS really did not do a lot of house chores before the baby (cleaning, laundry etc), so that hasn't changed and that's fine with me.

When DS was little he would eat around 8pm and then I would go to sleep right after that. DH would take the 11pm feeding so I could sleep. And then I would take the 3am feeding so DH could get an uninterrupted night of sleep. That's what worked best for us.

Now that DS is older he does a lot with him at night when he comes home. He is in charge of bathtime.

I do find though that I still have to ask him to do things. But he does them without complaining. DH says it's b/c I'm very regimented with the schedule and he just can't keep track of it. Lame excuse, but at least he's willing to help w/o making a big deal.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

DH is very hands on. I would hand him the baby as soon as he walked in the door.

DH and I have modified schedules now. He has clinic from 7:30-2:30 and he picks up the boys everyday from school. I usually get home around 5.

I gladly take the boys as soon as I walk in the door.

eta: I have always been the one to get up. He either doesn't hear or chooses not to get up. This was the case with an infant and now with a toddler and preschooler.

Message edited 2/7/2013 1:39:21 PM.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

I had 6 months off. Honestly if I wasn't nursing I would have definitely expected him to get up. Not with me, but we'd switch off nights or something. He KNOWS I KNOW being at work is easier than being home with a baby!! lol.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

When my DD was born my DH took off 2 weeks. In those two weeks we shared ALL the responsibility. We switched off for nighttime feedings, we both did diapers, we both held her, etc.

I am a SAHM so when he went back to work I took over ALL of the middle of the night feedings and let him sleep but he did always help out when he got home. So from about 6pm until 11 when he went to bed he did feedings, diapers, etc. Then on Fri and Saturday nights he would help me out with the middle of the night feedings so I could rest and he would always take the early morning feeding so I could sleep in on the weekends.

That arrangement worked out good for us. He helped me as much as he could when he was home and I definitely took on more during the week when he was at work. It was a nice balance.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

DH shared the responsibility, while at home and when he went back to work. He is super hands on, sometimes more than me

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

I forgot to add, I would have a serious sit down with your DH because this is just the beginning, he can't leave it all to you, KWIM? GL! The first couple of years adjusting to new baby and the dynamics of family can be difficult. Hang in there

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

DH took a month off and he didn't help. He took it as a vacation pretty much.. and for me it was anything but between pumping, feeding.. lack of sleep. It got so bad that we fought every day and I needed help. So we decided to stay at my parents place for a few months. It helped but they worked too and I was home, so nights were me all by myself. She still wakes up and I wake up with her. It upsets me to even think how hard those days were. I exclusively pumped so I had to make sure I woke up.

Anyway.. fast forward to now (she is 15 months), her entire world revolves around me. If I am there for her, that's all that matters. And as hard it is/and was.. it will pass.

My DH used the same line that I'm home with the baby but he didn't realize how hard it was. But now that I started going back to work, he gets it.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this.. and its rough. Especially the newborn days but it will get better.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

So sorry you are dealing with this and I would def have a heart-to-heart. The first 6-8 weeks after the baby is born are so hard. My body was exhausted from labor, breast feeding, lack if sleep, etc. Even when i got rest i still felt tired! I was bfing DD 8-10x a day for 40 min at a time so I had no time to do much else. DH was a saint...he did everything around the house and never complained. He stayed home a week or 2 weeks and once back at work he still did a lot at night. I do have to say he was always neat and helpful around the house.

Anyway hang in there...it is a huge change. You will get through it!!!

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

When DS was born, DH took 3 or 4 weeks off....and it was a mini vacation for him. I breast fed, so there was nothing for him to do at night, and that was fine with me. He pitched in here and there....sometimes on his own, sometimes I had to ask - but I had very low expectations for how much he'd do. Ultimately, I'd say he surprised me by doing anything. Mostly, my memory is that he fished and went jet skiing a lot!

It's a very, very hard adjustment (for some people, myself included). We hit a stride when I went back to work (16 weeks)....it was like things found their balance again.

Hang in there.....and talk it out - but not when you're exhausted.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

when i was on maternity leave, my husband only took off a week after #2 was born. He is a cop and works rotating shifts. He still got up at night for feedings when he was home and trust me... he was tired some nights. But he wanted to take part. He wanted to help with everything. It's his son too. Same with #1 when #1 came. Even after i went back to work.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him. Figure out something that works for you guys. Take shifts. This way you can get a solid xyz amount of sleep and so can he. He has to budge and compromise somewhere.

A happy wife is a happy husband. Don't let him forget that.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

With DD, who is now 6, DH didn't help at all. I wasn't working so I just felt it was the right thing to do. WRONG! I let him get away with so much and now I regret it. Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful father. But he pretty much does all the fun things and I do all the work. With this DC, I HAVE to make sure I put my foot down and ask for help. Its not like he is not willing, he just wont if he doesn't have to. I would talk it out now before he gets too comfy.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

For me I bf and pumped so DH really didn't have to get up..he took off a week and then it was all me. While he helped with most things cause I refused to do it all. I had the most trouble when I went back to work I wasn't able to do it all and we had some issues until I told him I needed help. When he was home for the week watching her he got a greater understanding of sah-parent. So I asked him "what did u do all day" after he told me he was exhausted. Lol. Talkto him tell hi what u need from him. It worked for me.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

There will be constant adjusting. DH expected me to get up at night because he had to go to work in the morning. Now that I'm back to work, I work nights so I'm still supposed to wake up at night (DD is having a growth spurt and has been waking up for a bottle).

IMO, you are still healing! You need sleep just as much, maybe even more. He should be getting up sometimes. We did shifts when DD was eatting every 3 hrs. DH went to bed early and I would take care of DD and then he'd let me sleep and take care of her in the morning.

DH does a lot but even now he doesn't get it that I need him to take the baby when he gest home so I can shower, and let me sleep a bit in the morning. So as things change with your baby so does your overall routine. It just feels like we are always playing catch up since we don't know when the routine will change.

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

in the beginning it was all hands on deck all the time since we had twins (and my husband was home for 4 weeks).

Afterwards, we switched shifts for babies at night until he straight up took over since I was always tired and had to be "on" during the day. (not like commuting on the LIRR is a rest, but it can be better than wrangling two babies sometimes :) ).

I am really lucky, and DH kept up the stuff he did before babies like cleaning up after dinner, taking out the trash etc. If I am swamped, I have no problem asking for help like doing laundry or sweeping or something. It is a give and take, and we are both aware that no one wants to feel like they are going alone and doing everything single handedly, so we both step up when we can and don't begrudge the other if we are asked (or have to ask) for a hand.

You will find a groove and hit your stride in time... It never hurts to speak your mind as life is so hectic post-baby, sometimes it just takes saying "hey, i could use a hand" for someone to step up.

Good luck!!

Adjusting your relationship with new baby

Thanks for the input ladies.

Don't get me wrong DH does help...but I want him to do it on his own while realizing that life is not the same anymore. We will for sure be talking as we are snowed in this weekend.

Adjusting your relationship with new baby

My DH was shell shocked by the change in the beginning. I wanted him to know what to do without being told -after all no one was telling me! - but that wasn't realistic. He needs direction. Once I told him what I needed things improved immensely. Keep communicating it will get better!

Re: Adjusting your relationship with new baby

i think you just need to have an honest conversation with him!! I don't think they know how tiring it is to be home all day, never sleeping etc. DH was very good about helping with the baby. When i was on maternity i would do all the night feedings so he could sleep but when he got home from work he would take DS so i could nap, relax or clean. I would go to sleep at 8, he would take care of him then i would do the 12am feeding so i at least got 4 hours or so sleep. It was exhausting for him, he felt that he never got a break but it helped me a ton. I would clean during the day when DS napped or the house was just dirty lol! Once i went back to work we took turns with night feedings it was all fair game then