Infertility is....

Infertility is…

-TTC for 2+ years

-Sore belly, broken hearts, miles of tears

-Watching your husband play with your nieces and nephews wishing you could give him one of his own

-Analyzing and reorganizing your relationships and friendships

-Waiting to fall apart if one more person says, “Everything happens for a reason.”

-Syringes, injections, pills and supplements

-Appreciation for the miracle of life
-Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren

-Strength, courage, compassion, anger, joy, bitterness, guilt, shame, hope and faith

-Feeling like the whole world is pregnant except you

-Avoiding people you haven’t seen in a long time b/c you don’t want to hear, “Do you have any kids yet?”

-A secret sisterhood that few admit to being a part of

-New understanding for modern medicine and science

- 3 miscarriages, 1 chemical, blood clotting disorders, immune issues

-Feeling left out when your friends compare their pregnancy and childbirth experiences

-Telling the nurse to take blood from the left b/c the veins in the right need a break

-Reconnecting with my faith and spirituality

-3 perfect grade 1, 4 cell, 8 cell and 12 cell embies

-A journey

ETA-feel free to add yours

Message edited 7/6/2010 11:03:01 PM.

Re: Infertility is....

The MUCH longer road taken......where everyone else has the shortcut!


And Everything else you said!

Message edited 7/7/2010 9:51:45 AM.

Re: Infertility is....

A black and blue belly during swim season....

ETA: Truly appreciating the miracle of life....

Message edited 7/10/2010 1:44:18 PM.

Re: Infertility is....

Great post.

IF is frustration

loss of control

degrading and intrusive

stressful

angry

lonely

you learn patience and still struggle with acceptance

Re: Infertility is....

Thank you so much for writing!!! That brought me to tears. I am now almost 17 weeks pregnant, but had my struggles and losses prior to this pregnancy. I have wanted to write down and share my journey for the longest time, so you inspired me to do so now.

I hope you dont mind but I wanted to add on to what you wrote too, both during my struggle and now after. It brought me to tears just writing this, b/c infertility and loss really has changed me as a person.


My Struggle……
Made me feel broken
Brought me closer to my husband
Changed my relationships with friends and family
It made me appreciate some relationships and then disappointment with others
I realized who my true friends were
It made me question my faith, what I believed in
Made me mad, jealous, upset & question all my emotions
It made me depressed
I was amazed by my strength to keep going after every loss
I realized everyone has struggles sometime in their life, and learned to accept that this was mine
I realized through having this in common with others, I would form amazing friendships with people I had never even met

What I now have realized now that I am 17 wks pregnant…….
I was a stronger person then I ever could imagine
I learned to have HOPE and to BELIEVE again
It does all seem worth it when u get to this point
I believe I will be a better mother and person b/c of what I have been through
I have learned to appreciate so much more in life

Re: Infertility is....

- depressing

- can make you feel like a failure

- makes you feel like you are alone when Mother's Day comes around

- makes you feel like even your DH doesn't understand b/c he is already a parent

-makes you feel like nobody understands just how painful it can be

Re: Infertility is....

-hopeful
-hopeless at times
-painful
-stressful
-all consuming
-waiting and more waiting
-feeling like you're so close
-IVF/ICSI
-35 eggs retrieved, 17 fertilized, BFN, and none froze
-10 eggs retreived, 7 fertiized, BFP, miscarriage at 9 weeks, 1 frozen
-genetic testing
-appointments in west islip, mineola
-confusion
-feeling grateful that we are a part of modern medicine
-feeling like God skipped over us
-wondering if it will really happen

May God bless all of us and grant us healthy babies for us to love.
Please don't forget about us!

Re: Infertility is....

Message edited 7/9/2010 9:55:54 PM.

Re: Infertility is....

Infertility is...

- crying more days than not
- a lonely road that often has a dead end
- the scariest times of my life


Infertility is...

- realizing I am a stronger woman than I ever thought I could be
- realizing that there is hope when you think there is no more
- realizing that I am a better mother than I ever thought I could be

I hope its ok that I posted this...it always helped me to see some positives when I was going through this. My road was long, hard and honestly, unimaginable. But, I now have a beautiful child that I love more than anything. I hope everyone finds their way on the right path and that all your dreams come true.

Re: Infertility is....

- being part of a sisterhood and really attune to those who are experiencing the same

- feeling like you have a cancer of some sort (no one can see it, but it effects your life)

- taking more medications in a day than you ever had in your whole life

- thinking of each follie as a potential child

- being upset at attending happy events for others

- never complaining about pregnancy symptoms: they are a breeze after the process

- knowing that you will be the most appreciative mother out there

I am now 33 weeks.

Re: Infertility is....

i posted this a few days ago on a similar post on TTC, so some of you may have read it already. ultimately getting it all written down made me realize how far i have come mentally and emotionally from this journey..i hope it helps someone to read it..

14th month TTC - since May 2009

D/X with PCOS in November 2009

2 Chemical Pregnancies - 1 with a beta of 5 and another with a beta of 46

Injected myself more times than I can count - Follistim, Gonal-F, Ovidrel, Ganirelix, Lovenox

Diagnosed with Blood Clotting Issues, and Immune High NK Cells

DH and I have a partial HLA-C match which further causes implantation and immunological issues

Will likely have to do more injections of lovenox and IV intralips and prednisone

Have taken at times over 15 pills each day

Have shoved gel and suppositories up my hoo-ha more than once a day

Have hyperstimmed and produced 10+ follies and had the cycle cancelled

Have been so bloated that I needed DH to tie my shoe

Have been so crabby that even I annoyed myself

Have been jealous of everyone that's gotten a BFP, and every lady that walks by with a baby belly or a newborn or a toddler

Have temped and used OPKs and bought a CBEFM and spent hundred of dollars on HPTs

Have gotten more UTI's from than ever in my life

Have at times had to leave the TTC board completely because watching people come and get a BFP on their first cycle makes me want to strangle myself. Esp. when they complain about "how hard it is." Girl, you don't know the half of it.......

ALL of that being said..

14months TTC I have learned to have more patience than anyone I know

Have met the best doctor and one of the best people I have ever come in contact with in real life

Have learned more about my body than I ever thought I would

Have grown closer than ever with my husband and now also with my mom

Have stopped being scared of HAVING a baby, and gotten more scared of what life will be like if I CAN'T

Have changed my diet to eat healthier and care less about how many calories I am eating and more about the health content of the foods I am putting in me

Have discovered acupuncture and meditation and spirituality.

I have remembered and relearned how to pray, and have prayed hard for both myself and sometimes specifically for others as well.

Have discovered that I may want (and have the ability) to become a nurse specializing in fertility.

Have for the most part stopped stressing over the little things in life

Have learned to give myself injections, fill syringes, and give 20 tubes of blood without feeling like I'm going to pass out

Have learned to be strong even when I don't want to be

Have learned that it's Ok to cry A LOT, especially when DH is crying with you.

Have found friends here that I spend more time talking to about more important things than I do with most of my "real life" friends

Have learned to continue to have hope and stay strong and positive even through the toughest thing I have ever experienced in this life.

Have learned that the day I get to hold my baby in my arms will be a day of appreciation and gratitude that I never would have known had I got pregnant in my first cycle.

So although TTC, PCOS and infertility SUX majorly, with all of the negative things I have learned and experienced, I wouldn't be the person that I am now if I had not experienced it.

I feel like my path in life is forever altered because of what I have experienced, and in the end I am hoping that it is all for the better, and I am hoping that all of us that have to endure the pain and suffering of infertility get to hold our babies very soon.

Message edited 7/10/2010 1:07:30 PM.

Re: Infertility is....

Re: Infertility is....

I love that you ladies are sharing....it feels good to let it all out, doesn't it?

Re: Infertility is....

nothing like what I thought it would be.

Heartbreaking, disappointing and rough. It has made me look for signs in all that I do an see and it is preparing me to be the parent I want to be. Strong, determined and willing to do anything for the end cause. I can only hope that when i get thru this that I can be the most prepared for what comes my way.
what ever it may be.

Re: Infertility is....

Posted by FlowerWife

i posted this a few days ago on a similar post on TTC, so some of you may have read it already. ultimately getting it all written down made me realize how far i have come mentally and emotionally from this journey..i hope it helps someone to read it..

14th month TTC - since May 2009

D/X with PCOS in November 2009

2 Chemical Pregnancies - 1 with a beta of 5 and another with a beta of 46

Injected myself more times than I can count - Follistim, Gonal-F, Ovidrel, Ganirelix, Lovenox

Diagnosed with Blood Clotting Issues, and Immune High NK Cells

DH and I have a partial HLA-C match which further causes implantation and immunological issues

Will likely have to do more injections of lovenox and IV intralips and prednisone

Have taken at times over 15 pills each day

Have shoved gel and suppositories up my hoo-ha more than once a day

Have hyperstimmed and produced 10+ follies and had the cycle cancelled

Have been so bloated that I needed DH to tie my shoe

Have been so crabby that even I annoyed myself

Have been jealous of everyone that's gotten a BFP, and every lady that walks by with a baby belly or a newborn or a toddler

Have temped and used OPKs and bought a CBEFM and spent hundred of dollars on HPTs

Have gotten more UTI's from than ever in my life

Have at times had to leave the TTC board completely because watching people come and get a BFP on their first cycle makes me want to strangle myself. Esp. when they complain about "how hard it is." Girl, you don't know the half of it.......

ALL of that being said..

14months TTC I have learned to have more patience than anyone I know

Have met the best doctor and one of the best people I have ever come in contact with in real life

Have learned more about my body than I ever thought I would

Have grown closer than ever with my husband and now also with my mom

Have stopped being scared of HAVING a baby, and gotten more scared of what life will be like if I CAN'T

Have changed my diet to eat healthier and care less about how many calories I am eating and more about the health content of the foods I am putting in me

Have discovered acupuncture and meditation and spirituality.

I have remembered and relearned how to pray, and have prayed hard for both myself and sometimes specifically for others as well.

Have discovered that I may want (and have the ability) to become a nurse specializing in fertility.

Have for the most part stopped stressing over the little things in life

Have learned to give myself injections, fill syringes, and give 20 tubes of blood without feeling like I'm going to pass out

Have learned to be strong even when I don't want to be

Have learned that it's Ok to cry A LOT, especially when DH is crying with you.

Have found friends here that I spend more time talking to about more important things than I do with most of my "real life" friends

Have learned to continue to have hope and stay strong and positive even through the toughest thing I have ever experienced in this life.

Have learned that the day I get to hold my baby in my arms will be a day of appreciation and gratitude that I never would have known had I got pregnant in my first cycle.

So although TTC, PCOS and infertility SUX majorly, with all of the negative things I have learned and experienced, I wouldn't be the person that I am now if I had not experienced it.

I feel like my path in life is forever altered because of what I have experienced, and in the end I am hoping that it is all for the better, and I am hoping that all of us that have to endure the pain and suffering of infertility get to hold our babies very soon.

Re: Infertility is....

Feeling like I missed the boat. So angry that I started so late.

Re: Infertility is....

I wanted to post this....I always carry a copy around in my wallet to remind me of our stuggles and how stong I didn't know I could be when it came down to it. Good Luck girls! I hope to see you all on the other side real soon!!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by a fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Re: Infertility is....

OMG, I can't

Re: Infertility is....

Posted by KMCGK

OMG, I can't

Re: Infertility is....

Posted by TTCbaby

I wanted to post this....I always carry a copy around in my wallet to remind me of our stuggles and how stong I didn't know I could be when it came down to it. Good Luck girls! I hope to see you all on the other side real soon!!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother:

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better. I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me. I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by a fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Re: Infertility is....

Just shared with DH and

Re: Infertility is....

Secondary Infertility (to me) is:

-realizing that my plan is not always God's plan
-delving deeper into my faith
-understanding my beliefs on how I want my 2nd baby to be created
-agonizing pain over wanting something so badly
-greater appreciation of my daughter
-empathy for others struggling with infertility
-an intense and burning desire to give my daughter a sibling
-a test in patience

Message edited 7/14/2010 6:38:19 PM.

Re: Infertility is....

OLD Post but had to bump and thank all of you ladies for the strength you had to have had to put your heart out there

I cried after I read it!

Thank you! Thank you!

Re: Infertility is....

Infertility is a journey, it is NOT a destination...

Praying for each and everyone of you that your miracles are awaiting you on the next bend