In need of support/hugs

Story of my life.....

Many of you may have read posts re: my family, (specifically my mother) in the past. To refresh your memories, my mom has been diagnosed with clinical depression. She does not seek help (counseling, therapy) she does not take meds, she dosen't do much of anything. I truly believe there is a bigger problem then "depression". I'm not a Dr. so I'm not gonna pretend to diagnose her, but Ill say I would not be shocked if she was diagnosed with bi-polar,schizophrenia, and sometimes even a substance abuse problem. (Ive never seen her use anything, let alone drink- but sometimes her behavior is so unacceptable it would not surprise me!)

She will go weeks, maybe even a month, being the most wonderful mother, grandmother, and friend. I enjoy her company so much, I find myself spending all my free time with her, or at least chatting with her on the telephone. Then BAM- she hits a low, and becomes this cruel individual, who does nothing more than lock herself in her bedroom for days on end. She'll speak to no one, see no one, regardless of the situation. Alot of times, when she gets this way, she says/does the most hurtful things. She'll say things out of nowhere, things like "Your father never wanted a daughter". Somethings may be true, others probably are not. I always continue to stand by and help out, but its very tiring, and unless you live with it, its not something you can comprehend.

Well sure enough (just like last year) this week, the week of DS b-day, my mom hits a low. Last year she humiliated me in front of my Il's, friends, co-workers, you name it. This year shes at it again. My mom has been picking little fights with me, making her little digs all week, I felt it coming on... I just tried to ignore it, w/ the hopes she'd be better in time for Rj's b-day!

Sure enogh, yesterday at DS party, my mom just never showed up, TODAY on DS' actual b-day we rec'd no call (despite my many attempts to call her),and yet AGAIN today she didnt show up for DS' "family" party. My dad however came to both, he basically said, she locked herself in the bedroom, and wouldn't even give him the gifts to give to RJ.

Im not sure many of you have had to experience the pain of someone hurting your child yet, since most of our children are so young- but if you have you know it cuts like a knife!!!!!!! It kills me my sons b-day came and went, w/o ANY recognition from my mother. NOT EVEN A PHONE CALL! This is a woman who is actively (when shes not having a crazy episode) involved in his life. This is a child who walked over to the phone SEVERAL times this morning and said "Mema, Mema". I know, at this point, he doesn't FULLY understand what is going on. But Ill be DAMNED if this is going to continue to happen through out his life.

Im trying my hardest to understand that she has a mental disability, but at this point I have no sympathy for someone who refuses to get help. Ill be damned, if as the years go on- Ill have to watch the disappointment in my child's face. Ill be damned if Ill have to continue to watch sadness in his eyes.

Explaining this to her, telling her how I feel is useless. Half the time she doesn't recall acting in these ways (or at least she chooses not to) and she does not hold herself accountable for her actions- since she is not dealing with a full deck of cards KWIM?


Errghhh- its so frustrating. My mom was an excellent mother until I was about 16 yrs old. Things slowly started going down hill from there. During her "high" weeks (good weeks) I see all that good in her. Its like reliving the chapter of my childhood that was beyond AMAZING!!! Its everything and more, I want for my son.

Then a low week comes on, and she refuses to babysit, call, see us- the whole nine (this goes for the whole family, my father, brothers, aunts, grandma etc...) Its truly heart breaking and Im not sure how much more I can take!!!!!

She can say/do what she wants to me, but I REFUSE to let her do this to my son! NOTHING, is worse than someone hurting your child. Its something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy!

Re: In need of support/hugs

I am sorry you have to deal with this. I don't have any advice but can certainly send some

Re: In need of support/hugs

Re: In need of support/hugs

Wow - I think you got a lot off your chest by posting this. I hope your mom's situation gets better and may she get the help she needs not just for you or RJ but for herself and for her well-being. Good luck to you and you sound like an outstanding daughter to have. She is lucky that you will continue to stand by her through her hard times. It seems that this is pretty hard on you too, so to you and your mom that you can both work to conquer her illness.

Re: In need of support/hugs

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I totally understand (well I can't say I totally do since no one who is not in your shoes can understand) how you can sort of handle her doing this to you, but you can't accept her treating your child this way. Grandmother or not, you are not going to let her hurt your son if you can help it.

I don't really have advice, it looks like you have tried to get her help, which would be the best thing since it sounds like she needs is lots of therapy and medication. I guess the only thing, if you want her to still be in your and your son's life, is to shelter him so he doesn't experience her bad moods- maybe having your dad call to warn you when she is in these moods. It will still hurt your son when he can't call his "Mema" at certain times, but you can tell him that she's sick and can't see/talk to him (it wouldn't be a lie).

Re: In need of support/hugs

No advice just lots of

Re: In need of support/hugs

I'm sorry you are all exposed to such a debilitating disorder as Mental Illness. It really hurts to see someone you love act like someone you DON"T know. It sounds like she can't fully grasp her own disability and how it effects others. Have you spoken with anyone for support?

Re: In need of support/hugs

I'm sorry you have to go through all of this. I deal with so much of the smae things with my mother. I'm actually back in therapy trying to deal with how I handle her and other things in my life because I felt like it was affecting so many areas of my life.
I wish I had an answer. I have not been strong enough to cut her out of my life but I will say standing up to her and not feeding into her stuff sometimes does help keep her behavior at bay.
I hope that she gets the help she needs so that you don't have to hurt for RJ.

Re: In need of support/hugs

Posted by JessieQ

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I totally understand (well I can't say I totally do since no one who is not in your shoes can understand) how you can sort of handle her doing this to you, but you can't accept her treating your child this way. Grandmother or not, you are not going to let her hurt your son if you can help it.

I don't really have advice, it looks like you have tried to get her help, which would be the best thing since it sounds like she needs is lots of therapy and medication. I guess the only thing, if you want her to still be in your and your son's life, is to shelter him so he doesn't experience her bad moods- maybe having your dad call to warn you when she is in these moods. It will still hurt your son when he can't call his "Mema" at certain times, but you can tell him that she's sick and can't see/talk to him (it wouldn't be a lie).

Re: In need of support/hugs

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would feel the same exact way you do if my mother ever hurt my child like this. It is just not acceptable. And I agree, yes she does have a problem, but it's not fair to you, your son or your entire family that she does nothing about it. And to be honest, I wouldnt want my son to be around her until she gets help. Even when she baby-sits him alone, who's to say she won't just "turn" while your away. I'm not saying she would ever physically harm your son, but emotionally and mentally it is not something he needs to be around. I would definetely tend to agree she is bi-polar. Unfortunately I dont think she will ever be ok again until she seeks pschotherapy and gets on some meds to balance her out. At this point, her low point, I would not approach her. However, once she picks up again and you are able to speak to her, I would tell her how you feel and tell her that until she seems professional help, you will not let her around DS. I can't even imagine being in this situation and either way it seems like a lose-lose situation. But at this point you needs to do what is best for YOUR family and YOUR DS.

Re: In need of support/hugs

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. It sounds like she doesn't know how hurtful it is, but I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier to take. I hope you can somehow convince her to get help soon. I can't imagine how I would feel if someone hurt my DD that way, and I'm sure you're right, that it will be even worse as he gets older and can understand.

Re: In need of support/hugs

I dont see anyone...(for support)


I know Rose825 has been wonderful w/ sending me info on (I cant think of the group right now) and I cant get myself to go....Not sure why...

Honestly, I have a great suppost system (a great DH who never judges, just listens- and the most amazing friends) and I feel I deal with the "hurt" rather well. I have learned through trial and error the "right" ways of dealing with her during low weeks....

I dont think any kind of therapy/support will ever teach me how to handle someone disappointing my child...Its just not something thats tolerable!

I don't want to cut her out of my life. I feel we (my DH, DS and myself) are all she's got (theres a long list of issues with her and my dad, as well as brothers)

I just dont know what to do to get her help. About a yr. ago there was a suicide attempt- which I reported to her Dr at the time- he then of course reported to the police. They came to take her in custody, and she was not home. I was instructed to call back when she returned.

The thought of sending my mother to prison for the night (before she'd be shipped to the mental ward) terrified me, she begged, she pleaded, she promised she'd get better....Looking back, I think I made the wrong decision. Had she been forced to get help (being sentenced to time in a psych ward) maybe just maybe (because I know you can help someone who dosent want it) she'd be on her way to recovery today...

Message edited 9/30/2007 11:31:44 PM.

Re: In need of support/hugs

Don't second guess your decision. You did what you thought was right at the time and maybe it was. The psych ward may have made it even worse. It sounds like you've already tried to tell her what she's doing and how hurtful it is, but she doesn't seem to understand what is really going on. Maybe some support, other than DH & your friends who sound wonderful, I mean some professional support for you can help you get her some help?

Re: In need of support/hugs

Re: In need of support/hugs

Message edited 10/1/2007 12:37:28 AM.

Re: In need of support/hugs

Posted by MrsBumbleb

Posted by Princessmaris

I dont see anyone...(for support)


I know Rose825 has been wonderful w/ sending me info on (I cant think of the group right now) and I cant get myself to go....Not sure why...

Honestly, I have a great suppost system (a great DH who never judges, just listens- and the most amazing friends) and I feel I deal with the "hurt" rather well. I have learned through trial and error the "right" ways of dealing with her during low weeks....

I dont think any kind of therapy/support will ever teach me how to handle someone disappointing my child...Its just not something thats tolerable!

I don't want to cut her out of my life. I feel we (my DH, DS and myself) are all she's got (theres a long list of issues with her and my dad, as well as brothers)

I just dont know what to do to get her help. About a yr. ago there was a suicide attempt- which I reported to her Dr at the time- he then of course reported to the police. They came to take her in custody, and she was not home. I was instructed to call back when she returned.

The thought of sending my mother to prison for the night (before she'd be shipped to the mental ward) terrified me, she begged, she pleaded, she promised she'd get better....Looking back, I think I made the wrong decision. Had she been forced to get help (being sentenced to time in a psych ward) maybe just maybe (because I know you can help someone who dosent want it) she'd be on her way to recovery today...

You are extremely fortunate to have your DH and friends as a support system. Sometimes it can help to have a person removed from the situation to help turn the light on and get us thinking

Sending you positive vibes and lots of hugs

Re: In need of support/hugs

I am so sorry you are going through this.....

Re: In need of support/hugs

Janice- Your last statement is how I feel ALL the time.

How much do you blame on illness?

My nail girl has a mother with the same problems, and we discuss our lives all the time. She deals with the same things- so I guess the "illness" really does cause all this...

In my 1st post I wrote about how a substance abuse problem would not be surprising to me. I have NEVER EVER seen my mom use or even drink. But sometimes, the way she acts- its almost like an addict. I find it so difficult to believe its all illness, so I search for a different answer- IMO her being a drunk would be an easier answer... (if this made any sense???)

My mom is also an insomniac- which they say is caused by depression. She goes days/weeks w/o sleeping and becomes like a zombie. She looks like HELL, she moves slow as molases, and slurs her words left and right-

The whole situation is so frustrating!

Re: In need of support/hugs

Maris-

Have you thought about seeing a doctor yourself? Bipolar disease can run in families. If this IS what your mom suffers from- you should be as educated as much as you can on the topic to avoid it manifesting in you. Sadly- I speak from somewhat personal experience on this....

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Re: In need of support/hugs

This is unacceptable behavior towards your child.

Re: In need of support/hugs

I am so sorry for you, i do understand very well and i too am the daughter of a mom suffering from mental illness.
It has been somthing i have had to secretly mourn my whole life,just never having that love exceptance ,affection and freindship i have longed for with my mom.
I find it easier to deal with it now as i get older and remind myself that she can not help it..Just as someone with cancer can not help that they have cancer.
But the best medicine is my dear little boy who will never know the rejection i endured as a child.He has helped me heal many wound's,and there is not a day that goes by that i do not let him know how much i love him.
I hope thing's will get easier for you.

Re: In need of support/hugs

Posted by Porrruss

Maris-

Have you thought about seeing a doctor yourself? Bipolar disease can run in families. If this IS what your mom suffers from- you should be as educated as much as you can on the topic to avoid it manifesting in you. Sadly- I speak from somewhat personal experience on this....

More

Re: In need of support/hugs

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know what mental illness can do to a family. My uncle (mother's brother) had schizophrenia and it was so tough on my cousin growing up. It was so hard for her knowing that her father would never be well. The turning point was getting help for him. Once he was on medication and in therapy, it was like a world of difference.

I pray and hope that you and your family can get her the help that she needs soon.

Re: In need of support/hugs

Sorry you have to deal with this. She sounds just like my mother.

Re: In need of support/hugs

Wow, that stinks. I have no advice to offer but to you