tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

We lost my dad unexpectedly two years ago. I am an only child so I feel like I have no one to talk to who is going through this in my family.
My mom has started to date someone. I truly want her to be happy and am glad she has found someone. It is me who is having an issue with it. I find it very difficult to hear her speak about him. It makes me uncomfortable. I don't know how to get over this. I really want to, but I don't know how. Has anyone been through this?
What can I do?
Side note, I haven't met him. Just the thought of meeting me gives me anxiety. They have been dating for 2 months only, but it seems pretty serious.
I appreciate any help or tips! TIA!

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

It's difficult.

My mom died at the age of 72, 12 years ago, and my dad started dating about 6 months after. Their relationship grew and he moved into her place in 2008.
I still have mixed feelings about Gisela. She is nothing like my mom, a little on the cold side, very anxious. I've never met her grown son or daughter. My dad dwells on her grandkids while neglecting his own.

On the flip side, my dad developed a life. They went to the gym together, they would go out to eat, to listen to music, see plays. My mom never did any of that stuff, my sis and I always thought it was my dad who never wanted to do anything.
I don't have to worry that my dad is sitting on the couch alone all day long.

Now Gisela is starting to get sick, her memory is failing. I've started cooking for both of them because she can't - she starts and then forgets how to finish. I've told my dad that if he ever needs help to call me ASAP, her grown-ass kids are so unreliable and I live 3 minutes away.

Gisela tells me "I love you" and I respond in kind, but don't mean it. How can I not when I know her memory is going.

It's still hard. My parents were married for almost 40 years. I didn't want anyone to replace my mom and no one can.

Dad has companionship and that makes me happy. I'm still eh about Gisela.

No one can replace your dad, and he will always have a place in your heart.

tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

It's tough. Embrace how you're feeling and don't force anything. My mom passed 10 years ago and my dad was causally dating. We never spoke about it and I never met anyone until last year. My dad ambushed me with her and I was completely caught off guard. In fact, a year later we still don't talk over it.

So I did meet her and she's as cold as ice. Nothing like my mom.

The good thing is that my dad, whom I've always butted heads with, is no longer my responsibility so to speak. I always made sure he had a place to go over all holidays, weekends, etc. now at least he has a life with her.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

I'm very sorry for your loss.

My mom passed away at 62 after battling cancer for nearly two decades and then suffering two strokes. She spent a year dying a grueling, agonizing, painful death. I never ever thought I'd lose a parent when I was in my 20s, and I am still shocked (it was not that long ago).

My dad went on a date...I'm not 100% sure when...but less than a year later. I was surprised (only in the sense that I never thought of my parents as beings who date lol) but was happy for him.

His girlfriend is great. I love having her around. You don't need to think of your mom's boyfriend as your "new dad" or "replacement dad." He can be your friend, and if he makes your mom happy, that is so important. It must be extremely lonely to lose a spouse.

Do you know what it is specifically that you're struggling with?

Remember, you are not "cheating" on your dad by letting someone else in.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

My mother started dating a man one year after my father passed. I was not comfortable with it. This was ten years ago when I was still living at home. I didn't want to meet him, my mother forced the issue and had him show up on Xmas eve. It has been a very rough go since. I don't think he's good enough for her. He does nothing with her. He is a big drinker. But they live together. And he seems to make her happy, if only that he is someone to eat with and spend time with. I don't like him. But I don't like the idea of my mother alone more so in the end I try to grin and bear it.

tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

My dad started dating his girlfriend about 6 Months after my mom passed away 16 years ago. I was still living home at the time, but I was newly engaged, and knew I'd be moving out soon. As hard/strange as it was to see him with someone new, ultimately I was just happy he had someone that made him happy, someone he could travel with and stay active with, instead of him just sitting home by himself wasting away. Life is short, so I'm happy that he's living his in a way that makes him happy. I'm still not close with his girlfriend after all these years, but I don't see her too often. We get along fine though.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

My father died at 51. My mom was only 50. She is turning 70 this year and to my knowledge she has never dated. It makes me really, really sad for her. I feel like she is very lonely and would be much happier if she had put herself out there when she was younger and found someone to share the rest of her life with. So, I don't have any advice for you but I just hope sharing my perspective will help you realize that the alternative is probably a lot worse. As hard as it might be for you, you have to realize that your mom is not trying to replace your father, but she is probably searching for companionship and if she can find love again that would be wonderful for her.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

Not in the same situation, but I hope this advice might help.

And first I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

My sister died 10 year ago in a car accident. My mom died 2 years ago after a long illness.

It took me a little bit of time to really come to terms with those losses. I can say, for ME, it took a few months. And as you know you never get over it, but you can move on and let that part be.

This is how I have moved forward and allowed them to rest in peace.

I live my life they way I KNOW my mom and sister WANT me to live it. They would WANT me to LIVE my life and be damn happy. Nothing will bring them back, and there is no use holding onto the pain. It can be debilitating. I think you get where I am coming from.

So when you get upset about your mom it probably FEELS like she is "cheating" on your dad. It probably FEELS like she does not want to remember him and REPLACE him. That's why it is so hard. You know its no such thing, but your hurts because she is basically replacing him.

My thought is this. If you are upset think about your dad. WAHT would dad want for her? not you. We know you want her to be happy, but you are struggling with these feelings. So out yourself into your dads shoes for the moment. What do you think your dad would want for mom? Do you think he would be upset at the thought that she can find someone to care for and love her the way he would?

Do you think he would be angry that she is living her life and being happy?

Do you think dad would think he was being replaced?

I would subscribe the answer is no. Dad is looking down right now, maybe dad even sent this man to be in her life so she could have companionship and love.

But I PROMISE this is what dad would want. For mom to be happy. To live her life. To not keep her grief. To let these feelings go and move to the next chapter.

I PROMISE she is not replacing him, but moving forward with her life......and doing JUST what dad would want.

I promise you he would be ok with this, and he would want her to be happy. So if you think about what dad would want it might make this easier for you.

I hope my words help.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

So sorry you lost your father :(
No one should be alone if they don't want to be, especially in their older years. I know a lot of lonely widows, so try to be happy for your mom and embrace her relationship.'this must be so difficult. I have parents who divorced and one who moved on and remarried.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

My parents moved to Virginia to retire and 6 months after they moved my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She died 6 months after her diagnosis. My dad couldn't go back to that place in Virginia. For him it was all just sad memories. He moved to Nevada - away from all of his family up here in NY. It was hard and difficult and made me sad that was where he wanted to go, but it was his life. He met his now GF about a year after my mom's passing. I was ehhh about it because he was so far away anyway. I was glad there was someone out there to look after his well being. I didn't meet her until they came out together when my daughter was born. At first I had such sadness because this woman I never met was meeting my newborn baby that my mom never got to meet.
But she was very sweet and kind. She knew her boundaries - a lot more than my own father knew (he has no filter). I've grown to like her and the joy and companionship she brings to my dad. She will NEVER fill that space that is solely reserved for my mommy.
My dad had his true love. He and my mom were married for 43 years before she passed away, but I can't condemn him to a life of solitude even if it hurts my heart to see him with someone else.

I hope you find peace. It's never easy.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

I understand. I lost my mom unexpectedly too almost 5 years ago. My dad started dating several months after she died. The first time he mentioned he had a Match account, it was so casual. I held it in and didn't say a word and when he left I cried for about an hour.

I called my sister and she totally flipped out (which is why he probably didn't tell her ). I didn't (and still don't) want him to be alone. He is young (he was 58 when she died).

I don't have advice. It was super awkward in the beginning and the first lady my dad ever introduced us to my sister lost her mind on that poor woman. He brought her to my uncle's house (my mother's brother) for a BBQ but didn't tell anyone he was bringing her. That was totally my dad's fault (but he is generally clueless-LOL).

What has helped me was crying on my DH's shoulder A LOT and lots of wine at night! It has gotten easier over time. Hang in there!

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

My grandfather passed away young, and my mom is an only child. My grandma dated a little bit, but she chose to stop. Frankly, it was just sad. She is lonely and depressed. She lashes out at everyone. It would have been much better if she had a companion to share her life with. She was 57 when she became a widow. She has been alone for almost 40 years now.

Re: tips for dealing with a parent who has started dating after your other parent passed away

I don't know if this helps. But it changed my opinion about dating after a partners death.

I had a friend who had a family member die. The couple had a love story for the ages. She died and he was head over heels in love 6 months later. I was horrified.

My mom said "Think of it as a beautiful testament to the amazing marriage he had. He loved being in love so much that he couldn't bear to not have that in his life again." It was about 15 years ago and I will never forget that.

My stepdad walked out on my Mom. She was totally blindsided. She was in love and loved being married. She tried dating again very quickly. I thought of that statement. She just loved the relationship she "thought she had" and wanted that again.

Message edited 3/10/2017 2:42:32 PM.