my baby is not your toy...

we went to my in-laws annual family christmas party this weekend and it was such a disaster. For starters, it was my birthday, and I was really wanting to just have a relaxing day with DD and DH, especially since the snow was going to make it hard to get to the city for the party. We said we would go, though, and we knew all the aunts, uncles, and cousins wanted to see DD at her first christmas party. DD has bad acid reflux, has been teething, and is starting solids and has been a little fussy while adjusting to the new foods, so she was definitely not herself that day and I was a bit worried about going. We passed her around a bit, but she really needed to nap so I hid upstairs for a bit at the party to get her to sleep. SIL, who was completely wasted (as per usual), followed me everywhere and kept waking her up and making comments about how she doesn't need to nap and miss out on everything. SIL is not a parent, but likes to tell everyone how to parent their kids. DD was such a mess after that, so I told MIL we had to give her a bottle at 7 and get her in the car because that is her bedtime. We didn't want her getting even overtired because then she'd be a mess. MIL made a face and proceeded to make a comment about how dd doesn't need a schedule "all the time."

Well, santa was supposed to arrive at 6pm, but didn't come until 7 when DD needed her bottle. MIL got involved (of course) and said to hold off her bottle. She said DD will see santa first and then we can get her home. I agreed because Dh wasn't around and I felt cornered and very uncomfortable because some other family members were listening into our convo. Well, about 15 people went ahead of us for santa because MIL couldn't find the gift under the tree for her, and refused to let her get the picture done without her gift. We said we don't need gifts, we just want to see santa and get her the bottle (she was still screaming this whole time mind you).

MIL finally found the gift, and then while DD was screaming bloody murder forced us to pose for all these family photos. She ended up eating an hour behind schedule and only drank half of it before passing out. We were getting her into the car seat and were going to pull an irish exit to avoid saying 35 goodbyes to everyone, when MIL said "I have a birthday cake for you." She knows I hate when the attention is on me, and I even expressed to her this year to please not do cake because I get uncomfortable. She said ok, but of course she does this so that she can tell everyone she got the cake and get acknowledgement from everyone that she did a nice thing. I thanked her anyway, but said we really need to go, and she got all upset. She walked away into the kitchen and i started to cry to my husband because I was so tired and upset for my daughter. That's when I started to hear everyone singing "happy birthday." DD woke up and screamed like I have never heard, my face was bright red from crying, and I was so embarrassed.

I got dd in the car seat and started to leave because she was screaming so much, and I was also very upset that my DH did not speak up to anyone all night to tell them we had to leave. DD became overtired of course, and screamed so much on the way home that she threw up all over herself and her car seat. She sat in her own puke for almost an hour and didn't sleep the entire car ride. I sobbed for hours after we put her to bed because I was so upset I put dd through all of that. I felt like such a bad mom, because I was putting MILs, SILs, and everyone else's selfish needs ahead of our DDs needs.

We decided that on christmas eve, we are not arriving to SILs house until 5/530pm, and we are leaving at 7pm to give dd her bottle in the comfort of our home. We would rather not deal with the same BS with them as we did this weekend. they can say whatever they want, but we are her parents and we are the only ones who should be making decisions for our daughter.

Lesson learned: our daughter is NOT a toy, and is not meant to be the subject of everyone else's enjoyment.

my baby is not your toy...

Ugh that sounds terrible. Im sorry you went through that. Thankfully you know how it is now and will be prepared for the future. I just love how everyone loves to parent from the side.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

Ugh, I feel your pain. So annoying to get unsolicited advice and feel pressured into situations.

At least now you know to stand your ground when something similar happens again.

my baby is not your toy...

Personally, I'd feign illness and skip Christmas Eve if I were in your shoes.

Not sure how old your DD is but when my DD was about 4 months we brought her to my in laws for Passover and she screamed the entire time and then proceeded to puke all over my MIL's bed. There's more to the story (my SIL set up camp for her kids throughout the entire house and my DD was literally shoved in a corner in her car seat and ignored by everyone) but it was horrible and I refused to set foot in her house again unless she was given her own high chair and the same amount of space/attention as the rest of the grandchildren.

So, I can sympathize with the screaming baby with lunatic in laws. It sucks. Order in a nice meal for you and DH on Christmas Eve and relax.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

Ugh I'm so sorry. That sounds awful. We'v decided to skip Christmas Eve at my sisters this year. It's just too much with an infant and then having a family thing Christmas Day too. If it's an option for you to skip I would. There's always next year.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

Sorry. I've been there.

DH needs to support you and be on the same page so you aren't the "bad guy" to his family.

It's hard sometimes but you are doing a great job and don't let the others influence you or make you feel otherwise. They may make comments but I've found they forget over time. Stick to your guns, your child's needs are first. Hopefully they will get it eventuallY

Message edited 12/19/2016 6:40:05 AM.

my baby is not your toy...

ugh!! its SO tough!!! especially with a new baby, you feel like everybody's eyes are on your to see how good of a mom you are, how you're doing as a mom, picking apart your decisions....
my ILs live out of state, so when we see them its for 3 or 4 days at a time... even though DS is 6 now, it still annoys me to no end how they try to tell me what to do with him while they're here. 9 at night, they'll be like : "oh! he doesn't need to go to bed yet, does he? we can play another game..." or he'll go to take a fry or something off of their plate if we go out to dinner and they just let him... (mind you, he's 6 and DEFINITELY knows to ask first!!!) and then give me a dirty look when i tell him he needs to ask first... 3 days of this and i loose my mind!!!
Its good that you're trying to set "rules" from the beginning that you make the decisions about your kid, not them. they'll eventually get it and back off a little bit (my in laws have gotten a little better recently...) BUT i would definitely talk to your DH before these parties or whatever about your plans, so that he can back you up "sorry, mom- we really need to get her home and in bed..." that also helped me a lot when my DH started doing that. and it doesn't have to be in a mean way, but just havng the ILs hear it from their own kid helps them realize its not you being a PITA... LOL

my baby is not your toy...

That's terrible. There's definitely a whole other part parenting to learn when it comes to dealing with family. I think it's normal although some have it much harder than others.
DH and I learned to talk before events about our expectations and I would remind him to pay attention to the time and be responsive and assertive when it was time to go (he used to disappear with his dad and I'd be stuck watching dd get overtired and overestimulated). I wouldn't be discussing the baby's need for a bottle or anything like that, just do what you need to do and don't make it a discussion. Same with time to go,just get her ready and pack her up and go with a quick goodbye. Hopefully his family will learn it's not a group decision what you do with her.
It's definitely hard and upsetting, especially in the beginning when you're just learning how to handle this bs and the baby is still so young and melt downs are more likely and more intense. You'll figure it out in time and as the baby gets older she won't be so easily thrown by a change in schedule or environment.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

I'm sorry you had such a rough night. I may be in the minority here and I'm sorry if this upsets you but maybe your MIL and SIL just want to see your daughter. If you live so far away maybe they don't see her often and being that it is her first Christmas everyone is excited.

I see your side as well having 2 sons and the second being extremely fussy if off schedule but maybe you could bend on your schedule or work her bottles/naps into the day so everyone is happy.

Not to put my own issues on you, but I lost my mom earlier this year and this is the first Christmas without her. I realize now how precious time with family is. I think it's a compromise and it should be a happy time of year for all. Try to breathe and enjoy your family and the season. It's a wonderful problem to have that everyone loves your daughter so much.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

It's tough with family. My only advice is just stand strong on what you know you need to do for your baby. It will get easier when she gets older. Hang in there!

Re: my baby is not your toy...

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I had a very similar experience on Thanksgiving. I still won't even speak to my in-laws. I'm so angry about what they did. To make matters worse, DH sees nothing wrong with what happened. (Well he sees that it was wrong, but said there was nothing he could do or say to make it any better). I just don't want to be around any of them. I have no idea what I'm going to do for Christmas. My in-laws always host and I just don't want to be in the same room as any of them. I told DH that I can't be even nice to them after they were so disrespectful to me.

From now on DS's schedule comes first. I won't be nice about it anymore.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

that sounds pretty darn upsetting. It's impressive how once you are out of the "baby stage' everyone seems to forget what its like to have a sleepy/stressed baby and mommy combo. Not worth it. Both my parents and in laws feel the same way that babies are flexible etc but either our generation of babies was just that much easier (doubtful) or they are forgetting what it was like (more likely)!
Good to establish some boundaries that you are comfortable with now. I'm going to try to remember this stuff when I'm a grandma/aunt etc

my baby is not your toy...

The first thing you learn about being a parent (that is usually hard) is that your child comes first. Don't be afraid to say no. People will try to boss you around or act disappointed but too bad...that baby is your priority and should not be forced to go hungry so they can be further terrified by a stranger in a red suit, to get a gift they don't care about.

my baby is not your toy...

When they are that young it's tough and it's about your baby's personality. People also tend to forget how hard it is to have a baby. I'm sure they weren't trying to be difficult they probably just don't understand. I find myself forgetting with my nephews that babies are not all the same. My dd can go all night and has starting before she turned one. She doesn't get overstimulated. My nephews have meltdowns if their schedules get messed up. I have to remember that when I have my baby in June.

On Christmas Eve can you go earlier like between 3-4? Give the baby some family time before the craziness starts?

Re: my baby is not your toy...

When we had our first child, our schedules revolved around DS's sleep schedule. He was the first grandchild on both sides so we never had issues. Our second DS was dragged around everywhere and fell asleep when he got tired. His nap scheduled often changed and we could not be chained to his sleep schedule. He was an easy baby though and got used to falling asleep when we were out. We didn't do many evening outings though.

Pregnant with 3rd now. This kid is probably also going to be dragged around along with her two older brothers. Not sure what we will do with dinners and evenings. Maybe get a sitter and leave baby at home? We get invited to lots of afternoon/evening events now. My boys who usually go to bed at 8:30-9 and can push to 10pm on weekends.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

Message edited 12/19/2016 6:47:27 PM.

Re: my baby is not your toy...

It's tough to have a baby at these events.

It's very much like my first time hosting Christmas with my first son. He was just horrible.... he slept but that number of people and fuss freaked him out. I had to take him upstairs. I see the same with lots of other babies.

Do Christmas Eve... do it on a shorter schedule to match the nap times. Give the bottle in a quiet place (ask for a bedroom).

And yes... after three kids you realize that if you want to live... you can't adhere tightly to a schedule.