So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

Ok this is really long, rambling and doesn't really go anywhere so feel free to skip it. So, I have always felt comfortable with a family of 2 kids. My DS is 2 years old now and I work part time. Originally my DH was under the impression that we would start trying for our 2nd when DS was 1. He came from a family where all 3 boys were 2 years apart (I am 9 years younger then my brother). I was definitely NOT ready at that point and we kind of agreed that 3 years apart would be a good separation for us. So we are getting to that point now and I'm still not sure if I'm ready. I am so worried about my DS and how he will adjust. He has always been high needs/ pretty clingy/the jealous type when it comes to sharing mommy (he's great at his at home daycare). I am worried about my own state of mind and handling something else on my plate. That being said, I'm not sure if waiting another year will make anything "better" or make me more "ready". Also while I had a very easy time getting pregnant with my DS I know there is no guarentee it will be as easy the second time.
My job is also stressful and I'm not sure if maybe that is my biggest concern/holding me back the most. I have a less then understanding boss to put it lightly and do quite a bit of surgery. With DS I had an excellent technician who kept me safe but now we don't and I'm worried about my exposure while pregnant, I'm also scared ****less about telling my boss I'm not comfortable being around anesthetics because he will tell me to man up and that its fine.
Anyway I guess what i'm asking is whether or not people felt completely ready/at ease with the idea of adding to their family or if they were just as scared or unsure as I am. Is having a newborn and a 3 year old a disaster and am I setting my DS up for a lifetime of jealousy? Would waiting till he is 3 to start trying be better for him (he'd be 4 when the new LO would be born)? Financially speaking waiting 7 years would be ideal but biologically speaking not so much lol. Also my DH feels strongly about having them closer together.
Ok if you read this I'm sorry for wasting 4 minutes of your life but sometimes its helpful to get thoughts out on paper. Feel free to leave any thoughts, suggestions, therapist numbers etc

Message edited 6/10/2014 3:37:28 PM.

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

My feelings are to go for it. Your DS will be FINE! believe me. Could there be some occasional jealousy? Sure. But it all works out. It just does!! I think we all have the "what if" thoughts at certain times, but what we forget is that kids are very very adaptable.

What I have found from my experience is that with another child comes that much more love. I was a bit nervous to have a second baby I remember..my first son was a LOT of work. He had some special needs and therapies..it was tough thinking about how we would handle another baby, how HE would feel, etc...but it was great. The new baby quickly just becomes a part of your family and you all adapt. Johnny loved his baby brother, and it was awesome to see them together. Now we have 3 boys and it's honestly just awesome. The love is multiplied, not divided...and although you may have moments here and there, it usually is never as bad as we fear.

Sometimes you just have to have faith and go forward! Good luck!

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

I don't think there is any perfect time. I think your feelings are completely normal. For me, I wanted at least 2 years between them, closer to 2.5. So we started trying right when it would be that age gap. I got pregnant right away, but it ended in a miscarriage. As the months have gone by I have gotten more and more stressed about the age difference, the perfect age difference, too much of an age difference, whether my DC will be so used to being an only child, etc. - the list goes on. My advice to you is try not to overplan. It will work out, no matter what the age difference is. If you are not READY for another child - for reasons other than concern of how your DS will adapt, well that's different. But, if that's your concern - remember, he will be a very different kid in 10+ months.

So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

To be honest when we started trying for a second, I did feel more ready than I ever had before and to me I knew it was time. Like you we were originally planning on trying when dc# 1 was 2. But that came and went and I was not ready at all. There were still a few more things I wanted to accomplish. I just knew in my heart I wasn't ready. But when dc turned 3 I actually for once felt more ready, so in my case I'm glad that I waited. It's really personal decision and there is really no right or wrong answer.

And with regards to the age gap I wouldn't even worry. I don't think it's as big a deal as people make it out to be. My sister and I are 3 years 8 months apart and we have always been super close. My brother and I are 7 years apart and same thing, we're really close. IMO age gap does not determine whether children will be close. I know plenty of people with a sibling close in age and they don't speak at all. It really depends.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

Just like when you have your first, most people are never going to be 100% ready. You just have to have faith that things will work out. Like others said, I know siblings close in age who are not close and some with many years between them that are very close. Whatever spacing you end up with will be perfect! Our two will be further apart than I originally planned but I'm glad and think it will be great. As far as work, maybe you can start by talking to your OB about it. See what recommendations they have for you and if they can give you a note for work about what isn't safe for you.

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

I have two 18 months apart and sometimes they are best friends and other times the fighting is endless. My youngest ds just turned two in April and we have not been preventing anything for a couple of months now. We really want all three to be somewhat close in age to each other so that was our deciding factor.

Do what works best for you.

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences. Even though I know its a personal decision it helps to hear other peoples though processes. I am pretty sure I still want two though I have thought about it more then I ever thought that I would! One and done has definitely crossed my mind and my DH and I have decided that we do still want two children. I was just really hoping I would have that I'm ready now feeling but I'm not sure that it will ever come. I was much more "ready" for the first (though in reality I wasn't ready at all haha). Also even though I was ready for my first that first month trying I was a ball of nerves and insecurity. When we didn't get pregnant on the first month trying then I realized how ready I actually was.

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby

Honestly I think its almost easier to be ready for #1 than for future kids.

With #1 you really have no clue about the true impact it will have on your life. Now you are wiser....and its totally natural to consider the feelings of your DS as he is already here and you are already in love with him and want to do whats best for him....But no time is PERFECT.

My brother and I are 8.5years apart. He hated me at birth. He had been the prized baby for 8 years and then this GIRL comes along. The first girl in the family for like 15 years. His world was shaken and he was not happy about it. My mom used to tell stories about how she would let me sleep during hte day and wake me up at night to play with me because my brother would get so upset during the day if she spent too much attention on me. (ps, he is now one of my best friends even though we spent years barely talking to one another, lol)

My sons are 3y3m apart. There was NO jealousy for hte first few years....when DS2 was around 1 DS1 started realizing we "baby" his brother more, carry him, soothe him, and he would get jealous. Now at 3yo and 6yo he gets jealous because I spend more time with him.

If you want another I say go for it. I am not sure what happens in the 7 year age gap that makes you think financially that is the perfect time but really as long as you can make it work financially, really, why wait? Your boss will have to deal, its a part of life, you will learn to juggle more than you think you can, and you will fall in love with the new baby and realize you can't imagine life without him/her!

Good Luck!

Re: So confused on whether or not, and when to have another baby