MIL vent/child care LONG

If someone told you they did not like to talk about there family who they are estranged from would you keep bringing it up everytime you saw them???

My MIL has akward social skills to begin with and has a tendancy to ask personal questions and, at times, says hurtful things. This has been the case since I met her and since we spend, IMO, much time together I have had to either bite my tongue, ignore her, avoid her, or confront her many times over the years.

I have not spoken to my parents, mother/stepfather & father/stepmother for personal reasons for quite some time. My parents are difficult selfish people with whom I had an unhealthy relationship with. After much soul searching and therapy I made a decision to only allow them into my life when they are willing and able to be a part of it in a loving and healthy non-manipulative way. It's been over 3 years since speaking with my mother and will be 2 years since speaking with my father come this June.

DS who wil be 5 this July, only knows my Father and Stepmothe,r and whom he has not seen since he was almost 3. DS does ask about them occasionally and I have had to explain, the best that I can, that for now we are not communicating with each other but that someday I am hopeful we will see each other again. It kills me whenever my son does ask about them because this is not what I wished for him, but it is what's best for" our family" because of how poorly they treat me.

My MIL knows this is a sensitive topic for me and I have told her that I don't like to talk about it because it is painful for me. Despite this, she always will ask me if I have talked to anyone yet, has advised me of how I need to forgive and forget and call them, she has made comments about her calling my mother to talk to her so that she could get us talking again, etc...I asked her again to not bring it up and that if anything changed I would be sure to let her know. DH talked to her about this, told her to not bring it up, and to stop lecturing me but she either says "it's no big deal" or "I'm not saying anything to her anymore."

This past Saturday she started in again when we were getting ready to leave her house and DH was in the bathroom....she never does it in front of him. She now uses my DS and says how he keeps talking about my parents... such as how they have no toys at there house or and how he thinks my parents are mad at him. I know my son brings them up but I'm not 100% convinced he is in fact saying these things. I think it is another way for her to try and guilt me into doing what she thinks is right.

Well preggo me snapped at her that I didn't want to hear it and on the car trip home poor DH got an earful about how I can't take his mother anymore. He confronted her again, though I told him not to, yesterday when he was visiting her and she got very upset with him because she again thinks she's not doing anything wrong.

DH came home from her house very upset. I know I can't change her or her insensitive ways but this is the woman who watched my DS while I worked and will now be watching this LO too when I return to work after maternity leave in November. Her and I butted heads over many things when she watched DS and I am dreading going through it all over again. DH insists that we have family watch our kids, and since I don't have any family who can, she is our only option. Though she is a doting grandmother to my son she refuses to follow any of the directions I give her for taking care of my child. Not that she hasn't raised her own child but a lot has changed since her day such as "back is best" for sleeping, or nothing goes in the crib...pillows, stuffed animals etc..until a certain age. I do know that I am lucky to have someone to watch my kid but to be honest I'd rather pay someone who would do what I asked than bang heads with a family member who does it for little financial cost but much emotional cost.

Thanks for letting me vent I'm just aready getting high blood pressure just thinking about what I'm up against and needed to vent.

Re: MIL vent/child care LONG

Dont have any advice just wanted to give you a


I know what its like to be estranged from people, im estranged from my half sister and ur kids were very close. They still see each other thru my dad but not like they are use to but its definately hard. My son is only 3.5 and asks often why his cousin cant come over, or why he wasnt over for christmas. Hang in there tho

Re: MIL vent/child care LONG

Wow. I'm sorry you are going through that. I'm like you, I'd rather pay than have to go through that again. Is there an age that your DH would feel comfortable allowing your second child to go to daycare/school? Would it help to think about a light at the end of the tunnel? I would honestly flip my shit if my MIL refused to put my child down on his back and put items in the crib when young because those are fairly simply instructions and if she can't follow THAT due to her own stubbornness, I can't imagine what else she's doing. When it comes to directions, have your DH give them to her and follow up on it. Would she have a harder time saying no to him than to you?

Re: MIL vent/child care LONG

I had tried having DH give her the directions/schedule and she still didn't listen. She will yes us to death and do what she wants in the end. DH started to keep things from me to keep the peace and that led to other issues. DS was with her until preschool started when he was three. The idea of another 3 years of BS has me already agitated, but if I put a positive spin on it, I am a teacher and we are lucky to have a lot of vacation time where my children are under my care.

MIL vent/child care LONG

I am SO sorry you are going through all of this. I have a mother in law that doesn't listen to me either OR she pulls the "I forgot" card one too many times. She doesn't listen to DH or I so at some points I become a b*tch to her just so she will listen and sometimes it actually works. When we got pregnant I told her "if you tell anyone, when we go into labor you won't get the phone call. That means your daughter, family, post man, and guy behind you in the supermarket." Scared the heck out of her. I realized she only deals with threats. While it's not an ideal situation and it makes me feel bad because who wants to threaten an "authority figure" (Even 30 years old I feel as though parents will always be "authority figures")? My MIL will be watching LO when I got back to work, whenever that may be, twice a week. If she doesn't listen to instructions that I give, then DH and I are prepared to tell her "that's fine, then we won't be coming over for Palm Sunday this year". It's almost like a punishment. Unfortunately, like I said, it's the only way she will listen.

As for when your MIL mentioned your family, I would simply get up and leave. I've done this to MIL before too. DH and I don't speak to my MIL's parents because they have made it VERY clear (and in derogatory ways) they don't like that I am Jewish. I have asked her time and time again to not mention it and finally now, when she starts to mention it, doesn't matter if we are eating dinner or at a restaurant, we get up and leave. She's finally gotten the point and stopped talking about them to us.

Like I said, I'm a b*tch to my MIL, but only so she listens because otherwise we have to listen to her "O, I forgot" routine. Good luck with your MIL and I hope it all ends up working out.

MIL vent/child care LONG

Dealing with MIL is the worst and with kids it gets even worse. I understand your pain!!!!

We were having MIL watch DS a few times a week and we had him in daycare 2 days. After a few months I couldn't take it anymore delaing with MIL so we upped daycare to 3 days and FIL (not married to MIL) watches DS one day. MIL now only does one day and it is still painful some weeks.

I would talk to your DH about maybe parttime daycare. Put it to him this way...he will be the one unhappy when he either has to have conversations with his mother or you flip on her. Either way he will be the unhappy one.

GL!!!