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Samira0407
Love being a Mom
Member since 6/08 4030 total posts
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More issues with my Mom...
I'm so frustrated with my Mother
Not only was she hands off for my shower; but she basically just showed up and didn't even get me a gift. The day after my shower I asked her if she had intended on getting anything for the baby (wasn't trying to sound demanding or anything; just asking) She told me she wanted to wait until the baby was born to see if it was a boy or girl. I had to explain to her that it's ideal to have the baby things in the house and set up BEFORE he/she comes. That there are things we need prior to his/her arrival (mattress/2nd car seat base/swing etc)
Today she e-mails me (her way of communicating) asking what I wanted for Christmas and I told her nothing; that I don't need anything for myself; that if I were to receive any gifts I would only need baby things. Then she asked me what I still needed (which I already told her last week after the shower).
I gave her a full list which included the Mattress and a swing. Her response was i thought you were returning some of the gifts you got for the Mattress (something I had mentioned after determinding what we received and what we still needed). I had to explain to her I'm only returning the "non essentials" because we NEED a mattress. I'd like to keep my bouncer seat; and my tummy time mat but we NEED a mattress more! But if she were to get the mattress or swing for me; I wouldn't have to worry about the returns as much since they are baby things I'd like to have.
It's like she doesn't want to do anything for this baby! The response I would have expected was some enthusiasm to buy something for her grandchild and not just worry about what I'll be returning to save her from buying it herself. DH's dad bought us the crib without questions and he did that almost 2 months ago! Why is my own mother so difficult? I haven't received a single gift for my baby from her these entire 9 months. I hear so many people saying their Mom's went crazy baby shopping they were so excited. She hasn't done anything for me...but I know her...and I KNOW she's going to expect visits and time with the baby even over taking LO to in-laws. It's not gonna happen! Sorry...just needed to vent!
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Posted 12/14/12 10:02 AM  |
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jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
im so sorry you are dealing with this 
Perhaps she is just under the mindset that you shouldnt have things in the house before the baby is born? my mil thinks that and so do some of my family members...so even though i am having a shower i know certain people will not be getting me gifts until the baby is born and we know the gender. its not that they arent excited for me or dont want to get anything for the baby...it was explained as more of a bad luck/superstition.
i know its your mom so its the one person you want there to support you, but dont let her bring you down and try not to stress over it. i am sure once her grandbaby is here she will be more involved and will spoil it
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:12 AM |
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I've been reading your posts for a while and honestly, you're coming off as kind of a brat. That's not to be mean, but everything you post indicates that you expect your mom to buy things for the baby when you want, and buy what you want. How is that a gift? That's more of a demand. She said she wants to wait until the baby comes. That, to me, seems perfectly reasonable.
I understand you being upset because she was hands off at your shower but did you even speak to her about that? Are there underlying issues making you mad?
Do you even plan on having the baby in the crib from the first night home? Why would you need a mattress right away?
ETA: Is your mom Jewish or superstitious in any way?
Message edited 12/14/2012 10:18:41 AM.
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:15 AM |
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by headoverheels
I've been reading your posts for a while and honestly, you're coming off as kind of a brat. That's not to be mean, but everything you post indicates that you expect your mom to buy things for the baby when you want, and buy what you want. How is that a gift? That's more of a demand. She said she wants to wait until the baby comes. That, to me, seems perfectly reasonable.
I understand you being upset because she was hands off at your shower but did you even speak to her about that? Are there underlying issues making you mad?
Do you even plan on having the baby in the crib from the first night home? Why would you need a mattress right away?
ETA: Is your mom Jewish or superstitious in any way?
This. I get you need a mattress and you would like her to buy it, but it's really not up to her to provide that. My Dad was very hands off until our daughter was born and then bought a lot for us. I never expected anybody to buy the big things for us. I get your frustrated and DH's dad bought the crib, but they are different people. I'm sorry you're stressed, and maybe the wording is not coming through right on your posts. I would wait to return anything until after Christmas if you can. You never know. If money is the issue with the mattress could you maybe hint to someone else you mant or need one? Could you return a Christmas gift and buy one?
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:34 AM |
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Samira0407
Love being a Mom
Member since 6/08 4030 total posts
Name:
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by headoverheels
I've been reading your posts for a while and honestly, you're coming off as kind of a brat. That's not to be mean, but everything you post indicates that you expect your mom to buy things for the baby when you want, and buy what you want. How is that a gift? That's more of a demand. She said she wants to wait until the baby comes. That, to me, seems perfectly reasonable.
I understand you being upset because she was hands off at your shower but did you even speak to her about that? Are there underlying issues making you mad?
Do you even plan on having the baby in the crib from the first night home? Why would you need a mattress right away?
ETA: Is your mom Jewish or superstitious in any way?
Wow a brat? I appreciate your honestly; but I'm not trying to come off like that AT ALL. I'm just trying to express my frustration and/or dissappointment in her. We're not Jewish we have no superstitions about having gifts in the house.
Yes; we planned on having LO sleep in the crib right away. It's not just the mattress or any gift (although she did ask me what I needed and that's why I said the mattress specifically); but it's like the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. It's just one blow after another of her lack of involvement/excitement. And it's frustrating.
There's a lot going on; even more than just with the baby and maybe I don't make that clear when I vent in my posts. I feel like I always have over extended myself for my family; always planning things for other people; getting family together for birthdays; planning Mother's/Fathers Day get together etc; yet time and time again it's never returned. I accept that it's just my personality to do for others; but I thought this one time in my life it would be reciprocated and it wasn't (at least not by my family). So maybe it's my fault for expecting more; or expecting people to do things they don't want. So everything that wasn't done surronding the shower was just one blow after another. SO my frustations are not just over material things or what she's not buying. It's deeper and maybe I should have made that more clear.
I've been trying to decide if I should confront her about the shower or just let it go and adjust my actions in the future accordingly. DH says just let it go...that what's done is done and can't be changed; but I still can't change the emotions I feel about it right now.
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:37 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by headoverheels
I've been reading your posts for a while and honestly, you're coming off as kind of a brat. That's not to be mean, but everything you post indicates that you expect your mom to buy things for the baby when you want, and buy what you want. How is that a gift? That's more of a demand. She said she wants to wait until the baby comes. That, to me, seems perfectly reasonable.
I understand you being upset because she was hands off at your shower but did you even speak to her about that? Are there underlying issues making you mad?
Do you even plan on having the baby in the crib from the first night home? Why would you need a mattress right away?
ETA: Is your mom Jewish or superstitious in any way?
i get the same feeling, in all honesty. You cannot MAKE someone particiapte or want to do things.
How was your relationship before the pregnancy? How did she deal with your wedding? Is this normal behavior for her?
I first thing that bothered me was when you said that she SHOULD buy gifts before the baby is born. Maybe she really wants to get something gender specific? A gift is chosen by the giver - not the reciever. Perhaps she has something special in mind but really is waiting to see if its a boy or girl?
I don't want to seem harsh - this is a stressful time for everyone especially SO close to the holidays but if it were me, I would back off and see what happens when the baby comes. 
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:42 AM |
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Samira0407
Love being a Mom
Member since 6/08 4030 total posts
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by maymama
I would back off and see what happens when the baby comes.
I've pretty much decided to just back off; I don't really expect much of a change once LO comes; so I have to learn to change my expectations going forward all together.
Thanks for all the honest feedback everyone.
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:45 AM |
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maymama
my little loves
Member since 8/08 18453 total posts
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by Samira0407
I've been trying to decide if I should confront her about the shower or just let it go and adjust my actions in the future accordingly. DH says just let it go...that what's done is done and can't be changed; but I still can't change the emotions I feel about it right now.
no, talk to her. open up the lines of communication especially BEFORE the baby comes. let her know how you REALLY feel and how disappointed you were. Maybe she felt excluded by DH's family? Did they call her and ask her to participate?
Try to clear things up now. Believe me, once the baby comes - it will only get worse. Be open and honest, perhaps she really has no clue how you REALLY feel?
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:46 AM |
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I am really sorry your Mom isn't being as enthusiastic and excited about the baby as you imagined. That must be very hurtful and disappointing! It does sound like you have other family and friends that have been great. Hopefully once the baby gets here you Mom will come around.
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| Posted 12/14/12 10:51 AM |
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nraboni
Uggh...
Member since 10/09 6905 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by maymama
Posted by Samira0407
I've been trying to decide if I should confront her about the shower or just let it go and adjust my actions in the future accordingly. DH says just let it go...that what's done is done and can't be changed; but I still can't change the emotions I feel about it right now.
no, talk to her. open up the lines of communication especially BEFORE the baby comes. let her know how you REALLY feel and how disappointed you were. Maybe she felt excluded by DH's family? Did they call her and ask her to participate?
Try to clear things up now. Believe me, once the baby comes - it will only get worse. Be open and honest, perhaps she really has no clue how you REALLY feel?
I agree with maymama.
Don't just let it go and sweep it under the rug because it seems to me that the rug has a lot under it. You will feel better if you talk to her about it but don't expect anything in return from the conversation. Its sad, but the older I get the more I've come to realize that I shouldn't expect anything from anyone.
Have this conversation now and not when the baby comes because it will just be that much worse for you.
I am sorry you are dealing with this and I understand your frustrations because I have them with my MIL. Just remember you can't control what people say or do, you can only control how you react to it.
GL!!
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| Posted 12/14/12 11:01 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
Name:
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
nm
Message edited 12/14/2012 11:09:53 AM.
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| Posted 12/14/12 11:08 AM |
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tryin4baby3
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/12 425 total posts
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More issues with my Mom...
I agree that you should open up lines of communication. Before that, however, I think you need to sort out what's bothering you. If you are disappointed that your mom does not seem excited about baby or your pregnancy, and you feel she is not there emotionally, let her know that in a nice but concerned manner. Do not tie it to gifts or buying things or anything materialistic. Her lack of buying certain things may or may not be a reflection of how she feels. That's not the point to address and if you start there, you will give a bad impression and leave a sour taste. Being a mom to you at this point in your life doesn't involve buying you things, but it does involve being there for you. Good luck
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| Posted 12/14/12 11:12 AM |
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Jacquelina
LIF Adolescent
Member since 10/11 767 total posts
Name:
Jacqueline
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I dont think its fair that others say you're acting like a brat.
My mother is the total opposite. She is completely over the moon about her future grandchild and cant stop shopping or talking about it. I know shes already planning my shower and Im not due until May.
So I can understand what you expect from her, but its obvious that she's let you down before...i doubt this is the first time you've questioned her actions.
My heart goes out to you. Every women should adore her mother and vice versa. Of course this isnt always the case and I feel for those that miss out on that for one reason or another.
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| Posted 12/14/12 12:43 PM |
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drwifettc
LIF Adult
Member since 6/10 2348 total posts
Name:
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I thought I'd chime in and say my mom was relatively hands off when I was pregnant. I mentioned it to my sister a few times, that I thought she wasn't excited, etc. She wasn't as hands off as your mom, i.e. she did participate in shower planning and bought us a stroller. However, other than that she was pretty hands off, never really even asked about the baby or how I was doing. If I needed help or something I had to explicitly ask. It was a the TOTAL opposite with my mother in law, which is probably why I noticed it.
All that said my mom is an AWESOME/AMAZING grandma, far far far better than I could have ever asked for. I did not expect it at all!! My daughter is obsessed with her and she will gladly watch her, come hang out with us, and overall just help me! Honestly, I think my DD likes her better than she likes me most of the time, haha. I'm pregnant with my second and my mom again isn't really into it. I asked her if she was excited and she's like yeah sure, but other than that, nada. She's never asked if she could buy the new baby a gift or anything. I actually just recently told her if I go into labor early she has to pick up a few things and she's like oh yeah sure. On the other hand if I asked my MIL to do it, she'd have bought everything on my list yesterday, wrapped it, and then picked out about 6000 other things for the baby too.
I've been having some issues this pregnancy and that is probably the only reason she even asks me questions. Mostly because she has to take care of DD when I had an insane amount of Dr's appointments. I actually recently asked her about it and told her I was worried she wouldn't love my DD when I was pregnant with her. She admitted that pregnancy makes her nervous! I didn't even think of that because she's a retired NICU nurse. However, she says she spends so much time worried about me and the new baby that it makes her ill and she doesn't want to make me nervous. I would try to talk to her, be honest and explain how you feel.
BUT remember that no grandparent is required to buy certain things and in the end while my in-laws buy my daughter everything under the sun, she doesn't care! She loves my mom because my mom hugs her, kisses her, colors, tells her stories, plays dress up, and a billion other things. At the end of the day watching my daughter and my mom makes is so fun because my mom was never really a lovey dovey mom, but as a grandma she's awesome. So hopefully, your mom just needs your baby to be here to shower them with love.
ETA: Sorry this is so long!
Message edited 12/14/2012 2:51:45 PM.
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| Posted 12/14/12 2:48 PM |
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NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
You chose to have the baby - not your mom. So really, she has no obligation to buy anything for the baby (even though she should as the grandmother). But I can also see her wanting to wait until the baby is born to get something more personalized than a mattress.
I can understand wanting to have everything for the baby before you bring him/her home, but you can also prioritize. You won't need a lot of things on day 1 - like the bouncer, swing or the tummy time mat, for example. If the baby is sleeping in the crib on night 1, and money is very tight, then you can exchange these items for the mattress and then buy those items when money allows. You might find that your LO is scared of the swing so you may never need one. Lots of variables!
Just to put it in perspective - I'm Jewish so I won't have a shower. I won't really get many gifts for the baby at all and anything I want before the baby arrives is being purchased by us ahead of time.
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| Posted 12/14/12 3:04 PM |
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Atherley
So in Love with my DS
Member since 1/11 1122 total posts
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I don't really have any advice but I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are going through this and give you some
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| Posted 12/14/12 3:42 PM |
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Mama2Max
LIF Infant
Member since 3/12 228 total posts
Name:
Jes
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Sorry you're going through this - you have to take care of you right now and avoid things that are feeling stressful. As they say, you can't change anyone but you can change your reactions to them. If this is how your mom is dealing with the pregnancy, it sucks big time, but just take care of you and what you need. And - pregnancy makes you feel vulnerable, emotional, crappy, etc., etc. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to complain and be angry!
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| Posted 12/14/12 4:00 PM |
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jennielee15
Let's try this again....
Member since 7/11 2269 total posts
Name:
Jennie
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this..... I am dealing with a mother who doesn't always show how excited she is either but for me it's more the fact she is so far away and doesn't have the financial means anymore. I remember how she spoiled my nieces and how she talks about them and it makes me so jealous of my brother. I don't care what she buys I just wish she was able to be here and spoil my child with her love like she does for my brother's kids. It's sad because to her she is letting me down because she can't afford to buy tons of stuff, but she is calling and asking how I am and going through my baby stuff and finding things to send me...... I want to show her your story so she can stop feeling bad and realize how wonderful she really is!!!
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| Posted 12/14/12 4:01 PM |
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Samira0407
Love being a Mom
Member since 6/08 4030 total posts
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More issues with my Mom...
Thanks everyone!! It took a lot of deep thought and realization that it's just the way my Mother is (not just today but over the past months and years). I may have already said this-but I just have to accept it is the way she is (hands off not involved). My sister lives out of state and she doesn't go to visit the kids or anything so it's just her personality (hasn't seen them in over a year). I can't expect anymore from her than what I've been shown over the past years. I'm just overly emotion/sensitive right now and really thought that the idea of a new baby would have excited her. It's not just about buying things. Just calling and seeing how I'm feeling would me nice every now and then. I call her to say hi and I feel like she rushes me off the phone. Either she's at work and can't talk. Or home about to eat dinner. We haven't talked over the phone since Sunday and I called her last night only to be rushed off the phone. I just have to accept this is the way she is...that will save further dissappointment in the future.
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| Posted 12/14/12 4:04 PM |
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Samira0407
Love being a Mom
Member since 6/08 4030 total posts
Name:
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by jennielee15
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this..... I am dealing with a mother who doesn't always show how excited she is either but for me it's more the fact she is so far away and doesn't have the financial means anymore. I remember how she spoiled my nieces and how she talks about them and it makes me so jealous of my brother. I don't care what she buys I just wish she was able to be here and spoil my child with her love like she does for my brother's kids. It's sad because to her she is letting me down because she can't afford to buy tons of stuff, but she is calling and asking how I am and going through my baby stuff and finding things to send me...... I want to show her your story so she can stop feeling bad and realize how wonderful she really is!!!
So sorry that your Mom is so far away :( It sounds like she does want to help; but just can't at the moment. hug:
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| Posted 12/14/12 4:06 PM |
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jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
Name:
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Posted by Samira0407
Thanks everyone!! It took a lot of deep thought and realization that it's just the way my Mother is (not just today but over the past months and years). I may have already said this-but I just have to accept it is the way she is (hands off not involved). My sister lives out of state and she doesn't go to visit the kids or anything so it's just her personality (hasn't seen them in over a year). I can't expect anymore from her than what I've been shown over the past years. I'm just overly emotion/sensitive right now and really thought that the idea of a new baby would have excited her. It's not just about buying things. Just calling and seeing how I'm feeling would me nice every now and then. I call her to say hi and I feel like she rushes me off the phone. Either she's at work and can't talk. Or home about to eat dinner. We haven't talked over the phone since Sunday and I called her last night only to be rushed off the phone. I just have to accept this is the way she is...that will save further dissappointment in the future.
i thikn that is the best way to handle it; it is hard now to deal with bc of our emotions etc but you cannot change her. be appreciate and grateful for the support system you do have and hope that when the baby comes things with change, but if not you still are surrounded by others that will be there for you. and just because she may not be so involved in your childrens life doesnt mean she doesnt love them or you.
my MIL called me ONCE this entire pregnancy...and hasnt even RSVPd to my shower yet!!!
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| Posted 12/14/12 4:08 PM |
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jennielee15
Let's try this again....
Member since 7/11 2269 total posts
Name:
Jennie
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
Thanks, I just hope for your sake that your mom turns around once the baby is born and is super involved! I've seen it happen for others so it is a possibility. Also try to remember that as a mom she might have guilt that she doesn't see your sister's kids so she doesn't want to be unfair. Mom's are a bit strange sometimes, you'll understand soon enough!!! At least that's what my mom tells me!! haha! keep you head up!!!!
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| Posted 12/14/12 4:15 PM |
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TyReseGreen
Lil Prince is here
Member since 8/11 6338 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
I have to agree with the very earlier posters. Your mother doesn't have to get you anything. It's YOURS and YOUR DH responsibility to get the things YOU GUYS need for YOUR baby.
As I said to you in another post regarding your sister and the baby shower "drama" (using your words) you never know what someone is going through be it financially or whatever. If your mom gets you something then she gets you something. If she doesn't then she doesn't.
I do think you two would need to work out any "issues" you guys have, because just going by your side of the story there is some type of underlining "issues".
Wish you the best
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| Posted 12/14/12 7:12 PM |
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Melmel821
Love being a mom!
Member since 5/08 2776 total posts
Name:
Melanie
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Re: More issues with my Mom...
You need a few of those!
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| Posted 12/16/12 6:02 AM |
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LotsaLuv
Us
Member since 6/10 4094 total posts
Name:
F
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More issues with my Mom...
My mother sounds like your mother. She is a great mom, but not so hands on. She has to be directed when it comes to planning anything, she just doesn't know. Maybe because she lost her mother early in life. I just accept it as, she is who she is. She works hard, has only 2 days to herself on the weekends where she has to do house stuff. She lives almost 2 hours from me, and it is what it is. If I ask her to do something, she does in a heartbeat. She loves my DD and tries to see her once a month. To be honest I like it like that. I am a very independant and private person, I rather not have family around every week anyway. I think you realizing and accepting who she is will help you communicate better with her. A grandmother does not need to shower their grandchildren with gifts to show their love, she may want to get her grandchild a more meaningful gift than a mattress, even though that is what you need, that is not her responsibility.
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| Posted 12/16/12 7:49 AM |
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