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justbeachy
So close....
Member since 7/07 2900 total posts
Name:
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How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
I've always been a pleaser by nature...but I'm at the end of my rope with my MIL.
On multiple occasions she's offered "her experiences" to me regarding various child rearing practices. These "experiences" are disguises for her judgmental beliefs. This weekend she really crossed the line. She, in a calculated move, isolated me from my husband to offer up her "experiences" on a controversial mothering topic. This happened despite the fact that I made her aware of my decision on the said topic weeks ago. Needless to say, we don't see eye to eye on the topic.
My husband was horrified to hear about it and is planning to speak with her...but how do I find my own voice without being rude or disrespectful? I am trying really hard to listen to her and be kind, but this weekend I felt really cornered and uncomfortable. I also got the feeling that I will probably deal with this for the rest of my life if I don't put my foot down now.
But how do you do it tactfully? I'd appreciate any advice.
Thanks ladies!
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Posted 8/27/12 1:54 PM  |
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springsandra
Baby girl has a baby brother!
Member since 11/09 7155 total posts
Name:
Sandra
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How did you find your
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind" and file it in the circular bin (ie: trash).
And later: "If you keep talking about it, I'm going to just start to tune you out. Please know I'm listening but your son and I will make our parenting decisions together and promise to do what's best for your grandchild."
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| Posted 8/27/12 2:25 PM |
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babylove26
LIF Adult
Member since 8/10 987 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Posted by springsandra
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind" and file it in the circular bin (ie: trash).
And later: "If you keep talking about it, I'm going to just start to tune you out. Please know I'm listening but your son and I will make our parenting decisions together and promise to do what's best for your grandchild."
This! Let her know that you and Dh will make the parenting decisions. I had to do this with my mil. One over the top story which led me to set her straight was when she wanted me to get her approval for dd and dh's birthday party their bdays are a couple days apart.
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| Posted 8/27/12 2:38 PM |
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jams92
Member since 1/12 6105 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
unfortunately (or maybe fortunately depending on your perspective) DH doenst let me have a "voice" with her when it comes to things we disagree on. he chooses to speak up on behalf of us both so i just have to say "ok thanks" etc.
i understand why DH does it...since it is his mother he is a LOT more tolerant of her nonsense and lies but since i have zero connection to her, i would speak my mind and not hold back. DH does it to keep the peace.
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| Posted 8/27/12 2:56 PM |
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justbeachy
So close....
Member since 7/07 2900 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Posted by springsandra
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind" and file it in the circular bin (ie: trash).
And later: "If you keep talking about it, I'm going to just start to tune you out. Please know I'm listening but your son and I will make our parenting decisions together and promise to do what's best for your grandchild."
I really want to be strong enough to do that...but it's incredibly difficult. She does a lot for our family and while I know she doesn't expect anything in return for her generosity and help, I feel guilty.
For those of you who have spoken up against a MIL or other family member, was there an incident that put you over the edge and made you confront them? Or was it a slow build? Do you feel like your relationship has changed for the better? Is it awkward since you spoke up?
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| Posted 8/27/12 3:59 PM |
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Journey33
LIF Adult
Member since 12/11 1402 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Posted by justbeachy
Posted by springsandra
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind" and file it in the circular bin (ie: trash).
And later: "If you keep talking about it, I'm going to just start to tune you out. Please know I'm listening but your son and I will make our parenting decisions together and promise to do what's best for your grandchild."
I really want to be strong enough to do that...but it's incredibly difficult. She does a lot for our family and while I know she doesn't expect anything in return for her generosity and help, I feel guilty.
For those of you who have spoken up against a MIL or other family member, was there an incident that put you over the edge and made you confront them? Or was it a slow build? Do you feel like your relationship has changed for the better? Is it awkward since you spoke up?
our relationship has definitely changed since getting preggo. I dont really know why as we had a good relationship before. She is by nature very opinionated so I often struggle with biting my tounge. i know this is going to become a real issue when the girls come so Im already preparing for how to handle it. I think Spring Sandra's advice was right on point. Some people mean well and their intentions are good but they need to remember they are not the parent.
you can respond in a tactful way and still get your point across... maye something like "I really do appreicate your opinion and I know it's valid since you did a great job raising your son, but for the most part DH and I need to be on the same page so please understand if we don't do things your way. We've discussed this issue in the past so I'd appreciate if we could put it to rest "
there's no right way but Im wisihing you luck!
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| Posted 8/27/12 4:27 PM |
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Strawberry2468
It's summatime
Member since 3/09 4739 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Just tell her like it is. You dont have to be mean just matter of fact. Its great that your dh will speak up. Mine wont. I get that people try to "help" but when thsir unsolicited advice becomes more of a demand its crossing the line. I think you are allowed to voice your opinion to her on what YOU will do.
At a family BBQ last month, mil kissed me hello then bent down and kissed my belly!! It pissed me off but there were people around so I let it slide. Well when I was on bedrest (and in a bitchy cranky mood) she came up and did it again and I went off on her and told her it's not necessary, dh doesn't even do that and it's crossing the line and not acceptable. Then she apologized and proceeded to look at me like I was dying, all pitiful. (dh was supposed to tell her not to bc he had just gotten yelled at for doing it but of course he doesnt open his mouth) So I set her straight on that too.
She has suggested things like BF (saying its more conveinant?) that I'm not doing and I just told her I'm not doing it and we are doing what we chose. She thinks that just because things worked one way for her it must work for everyone everywhere. But we have twins so everything changes greatly. Her experiences aren't going to be the same as ours.
I'm sure we will have to reiterate once the babies come too because people always have advice. 
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| Posted 8/27/12 4:38 PM |
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Ltdentway99
LIF Adult
Member since 9/06 1752 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
My only advice is don't feel guilty!! I am the same way as you, I don't want to be mean, I feel obligated, etc. I now ignore that feeling and do what I want when I want it. I realized that's exactly how my In-laws operate. After I get past the guilt, I feel great! And, usually my DH is happy too with my decisions. If your MIL chooses to do nice things for you, you are under no obligation to allow her to control you. If she doesn't like it and pulls back, then it shows that part of why she is helpful is to gain control.
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| Posted 8/27/12 7:01 PM |
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SweetOctBaby
LIF Toddler
Member since 4/10 459 total posts
Name:
Mommy
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How did you find your
My advice is address the issue sooner then later. It's so hard but call her and tell her y ou'd like to talk to her about something that's been bothering you. Explain to her that although you appreciate her help and advice you and your husband are first time parents and raising your kid the best way you possibly can. I know this is so much easier said then done but this is what I did and me and my mIL have such a much better relationship now because she now realizes I won't let her rule my house or obey her. I'm an adult and raising my kids. She is the grandma and advice is only needed when asked.
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| Posted 8/27/12 7:36 PM |
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gina409
TWINS!
Member since 12/09 27635 total posts
Name:
g
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Posted by springsandra
"Thanks, I'll keep it in mind" and file it in the circular bin (ie: trash).
And later: "If you keep talking about it, I'm going to just start to tune you out. Please know I'm listening but your son and I will make our parenting decisions together and promise to do what's best for your grandchild."
this!
so funny bc one of my earliest appts the nurse goes to me here is the ebst advice i can give u
u r going to get non asked for advice from 2 kinds of people
the ones who do not have kids
and the ones who had kids 30 plus yrs ago
just smile and nod at all of them and when u have a question ask someone who had a kid in the past 5 yrs
and she was right..every person who last kid was born 30 yrs ago has given me the run around with every decision we make
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| Posted 8/27/12 7:36 PM |
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Loveme
LIF Adult
Member since 6/11 3170 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Posted by gina409
And later: "If you keep talking about it, I'm going to just start to tune you out. Please know I'm listening but your son and I will make our parenting decisions together and promise to do what's best for your grandchild."
this!
so funny bc one of my earliest appts the nurse goes to me here is the ebst advice i can give u
u r going to get non asked for advice from 2 kinds of people
the ones who do not have kids
and the ones who had kids 30 plus yrs ago
just smile and nod at all of them and when u have a question ask someone who had a kid in the past 5 yrs
Very true!!!
and she was right..every person who last kid was born 30 yrs ago has given me the run around with every decision we make
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| Posted 8/27/12 7:40 PM |
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springsandra
Baby girl has a baby brother!
Member since 11/09 7155 total posts
Name:
Sandra
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How did you find your
My mom and I don't have a great relationship already so it was nothing to tune her out and tell her to mind her own business about things. I imagine it's different with your ILs. Mine tells me lots of stories about what she did when DH was a baby but she's never once told me I should do the same. I know I'm really lucky about that.
I think you can choose to either keep nodding your head and then doing whatever you'd like or have your husband tell her that the more unsolicited advice she insists on giving, the less face time she's going to get with her grand child because it's getting too tough for you both to parent while worried about her making judgment calls -- and the baby isn't even here yet! She'll get it. It's hard. She's been "mommy" for so long now, and now she has to give up the reigns! But it'll all work out. You're doing a great job!
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| Posted 8/27/12 7:48 PM |
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justbeachy
So close....
Member since 7/07 2900 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Wow - I really love this site.
Thanks ladies for your wonderful advice.
I totalllllllllllly agree about the 30+ years since giving birth advice givers!
I told my MIL that I'm nervous about the 2 weeks post pregnancy pain that many of my gf's have gone through recently. She totally dismissed it and said that none of her group of 8 friends ever had ANY pain post pregnancy....and that MY friends were the anomaly. She actually had the audacity to then ask me "did they have good doctors?!". I'm sure her memory of childbirth - 34 years ago was sharp as a tack.
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| Posted 8/27/12 8:34 PM |
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springsandra
Baby girl has a baby brother!
Member since 11/09 7155 total posts
Name:
Sandra
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
LOL I wonder if they had twilight births too.
Maybe you need to start talking to her NOW about "BACK TO SLEEP" -- last thing you need is her telling you to put the baby on its belly.
Glad you're starting to feel a bit better!  Maybe change the topic of conversation to grandma talk when you can. Ask her about all the things she's looking forward to doing as a grandma that she couldn't do as a mother. What are some of her favorite books to read to the baby? Did she hear about the whole movement to make your own baby foods? Does she think anyone will ever replace Mr. Rogers on tv? How amazing is it that children teach themselves their alphabets on ipads now with interactive programs?
Maybe turn the focus more on her instead of how you will parent. She'll probably still interject her stupidity... but you can always teach the baby to call her "grandma b**ch" if it gets really bad.  (I totally joke about that ALLLLL the time when my mom is completely nasty to me...) 
Message edited 8/27/2012 8:41:36 PM.
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| Posted 8/27/12 8:41 PM |
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butterfly20
Party of 5 - 2015
Member since 4/06 7390 total posts
Name:
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How did you find your
sounds like my mother..... disagreed and strongly opinionated...
one, was I told her I was planning to pump... To her it wasn't good enough , you'll miss the bond with the baby, it will be quicker...To me I wasn't comfortable with that idea, and I wanted dh to also be able to feed/bond with the baby on overnight shifts :)
I was basically same as PP, first say you'll consider or think about it. Second time, just say you've thought about it and your set on your decision. That you and your husband as the baby's parents have both agreed that it would be fine for the baby, After the second time I just started saying no, and I'm not changing my decision....... in the long run, honestly we had three huge blow ups after the bay was born, she disappeared while living 15 minutes away, and its been alot less stressful not having to be a broken record.
My mother in law on the other hand, will say what it was like back then, but then say how she's not sure how things are, and is so excited how we can now get sonogram photos before the baby is born.
Message edited 8/28/2012 10:48:31 PM.
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| Posted 8/28/12 10:42 PM |
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KGools
Happy
Member since 9/06 9532 total posts
Name:
Kim
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
She seems to have no trouble being rude and disrespectful to you... you owe her nothing. 
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| Posted 8/30/12 4:39 PM |
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justbeachy
So close....
Member since 7/07 2900 total posts
Name:
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
Posted by KGools
She seems to have no trouble being rude and disrespectful to you... you owe her nothing.
Thanks Kim! You're right!
Hubby is setting her straight tonight. Can't wait to hear all about it!!! ??
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| Posted 8/30/12 4:46 PM |
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JMG2010
LIF Toddler
Member since 8/12 401 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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Re: How did you find your "voice" with your overbearing MIL?
My MIL is a real gem too.
I use the "I'll remember that" and then let it go in one ear and out the other.
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| Posted 8/30/12 9:12 PM |
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