husband won't talk to me anymore

So friday was d and c and tofay is tuesday. We started talking tonight and now he will not talk to me about this until next monday with our shrink. Basically. I was saying tjhe thought of not having kids makes me very sad and that this nfertility makes me feelk worthless and not like a woman. This is a nushell by the eay. He kept saying it would suck if we casnt have children but that he could be happy either way and I said I don't know if I could. So long story short is that he doesn't want to discuss this more without the therapist bc my thoughts feelings are beyond just sadness from the miscarriage and that my feelings are more about my overall lack of self worth (at least I think). Soo I said great thanks now I feel really all alone and said some nasty things and slammed the door. Am I soo nuts to feel thjese things going through if amd mc???? I kept saying to him so many women feel like me who go through this. But now he is making me feel like my feelings are way over normal (fyi he is a therapist too). Help me please how do u feel having if issues? Do u feel its your purpose in life? If u end up noy being able to have kids do u think u will still be able to be happy??? So sorry feeling very crazy anf alone

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

I think what you are feeling is totally normal. I know I had all the same thoughts and feelings when I m/c'd.

It"s good that you guys are seeing someone to work through your issues. Men seem to deal with these things differently - maybe he'll open up more in the session.

I'm so so so sorry you are dealing with this. Please know you are not alone.

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

I think what you are feeling is normal too. My husband often tells me that I am consumed by IF but how can you not be? I deal with this on a daily basis and it is what I think about all the time. I try to take one day at a time and to not think about the what ifs, or what will happen if something does not happen, because I know I will do whatever it takes to get our dream.
Im glad you are seeing someone to help the both of you. I think it is the best thing for both of you.
Please know that you are not alone and that we are all here for you. Im thinking of you during this difficult time.

I do think that I am on this journey for a reason. I was once told by my cousin that I am a survivor. That she could not do what my husband and I are doing. I think that we are strong women and that I do think that my marriage is stronger because of this whole experience. I honestly won't let myself go to that dark place where children are not in the picture. I have to believe and I do believe that we will be parents. I also have to remind myself what we are blessed with: a home, a job I love, wonderful friends, supportive family, an amazing husband....the list goes on. I am someone who has never been pregnant and I want it so bad. I have unexplained IF yet I still have hope.
Please know that you are in my prayers. I hope that things work out for you and your husband.

Message edited 3/15/2011 9:46:04 PM.

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

I think what you are thinking and feeling is 100% percent normal and any woman who wanted a child would have exactly the same feelings that you are having right now. I am sorry that your DH was insensitive to your needs. Many hugs and prayers for you!

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

i agree with the other ladies that what you are feeling is normal. i've definitely struggled with issues of self worth during all of my losses. i see a therapist every week (thank god!) and in the beginning i would say that what we talked about 90% of the time was how horrible i felt about myself. i'm so sorry you are feeling those feelings too i think it's VERY hard for men to understand--even the greatest of men. i don't let myself think about "what if" we can't have children. it's too sad of a place for me and i feel like we have to have faith. that said, you just went through a m/c and after every single loss i've had i struggled with all of the questions you ask. sending you lots of prayers and hugs. if you ever want to talk, please FM!

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

You are so not alone!

I have felt the same way as you. How is it possible the most natural thing in the world isn't working for us? What is my purpose as a woman if I can't have kids...I have wanted kids since I am 16 and would be a great parents, can I be happy without children? These run threw my mind every single day.

My Husband is only 26, he is younger than my by 4 years. While he does want children, he has a few family members who never had them and they travel, own expensive things and treat their nieces and nephews as if they are their own. Hesays that he can totally be okay never having children. I don't think I can..I mean if it happens, we will adopt, but I think he would be okay without kids if that's the way our cookie crumbles.

Honestly, I don't know what the right answer is. I feel like infertility tests your relationship more than anything. I know that it's hard right after the MC (I had 2 and felt the exact same way).

Try and remember so many of us are dealing with it and Men just deal with things different. I was upset that my husband would be okay never having kids, but I know in the end he will do whatever I decide. I think right now you are both dealing with a range of emotions, and it will get easier.

I am glad you are seeing a therapist. I never did and I really regret it. Would you mind sending me FM with a person you found and how you found them. I have empire and I am not sure I can afford out of pocket with all these meds I am buying

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

You are no alone. I nearly had a minibreakdown. Here's my blog which I never kept up with. I read it from time to time especially recently since TTC#2 is not going so well

My blog

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

you are sooo not alone

I too have had the same feelings that you are having. My DH also feels that I think "negatively" and that it makes IF worse (he too is a therapist )

I have expressed to my DH how hard this is for me as the woman dealing with IF, DH has a child from a previous marriage which is really difficult when I think if I never have children - he will never understand what I feel since he has one already and can better accept not having more, so I feel like he just doesn't get the pain and fears that I have.

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

I can relate and like the other women said you are not alone.

I hear the "You have to be positive" all the time. It gets hard after each failed month. Yesterday was one of those days, the thought of actually starting IVF was overwhelming and intimidating. You never believe, or at least I never believed that we would be here, struggling to have a baby.

Lucky2008, I am in your shoes. DH has a child from a previous relationship and I know that is why he doesn't have the same yearning as I do.

I hope it all works out, men deal with things differently and sometimes they prefer to not deal with it. I am sorry you are going through all of this, especially at a time like this. But it will pass, it might just take some time.

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

Your feelings are VERY NORMAL and since you just suffered a m/c, even more raw then they might otherwise be. To be honest, there were times when I was ready to walk out the door b/c DH just couldn't grasp what I was going through (emotionally and mentally) and I found his responses to be condescending and trying to down play what I felt. Yes we screamed, threw things, said nasty, nasty things...but we had to get it out there. He had to no that not having a child (bio or otherwise) wasn't an option for me and that if he wasn't in it 110% then we were not going to be together much longer.
I'm so sorry he doesn't want to talk right now and that session seems far away. Have you tried writing it all out and maybe giving it to him that way? Sometimes things on paper are more digestible b/c the writer is able to edit as they go along (instead of the words that fly from our mouth) and the reader can take it in at their own pace.
I just want you to know you are not alone, not everyone deals with IF the same (even within a marriage) and that please FM me anytime you need to vent or just to scream (if DH leaves you frustrated).
Take care!

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

I think that what you're going through is perfectly normal - you are both very raw right now from the m/c and so are dealing with a multitude of different feelings.
I can see where he's coming from in wanting to wait to talk about things with the therapist, but he shouldn't have made you feel like your feelings weren't worth having.

I think everyone deals with IF differently. I thought long and hard about it when we were going through it and I came to the conclusion that i could probably deal with life without a child if that was the ultimate end result. It wasn't my choice, but if it was the way it ended up, i would have dealt with it. I'm not so sure DH could have though (but we never actually had the conversation).

No matter if you talk about things now, or next week.. the important thing is to talk about what you're both feeling and to have an impartial 3rd party help you get through it all. I really wish you both the best of luck getting through this

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

Posted by PurpleC


I do think that I am on this journey for a reason. I was once told by my cousin that I am a survivor. That she could not do what my husband and I are doing. I think that we are strong women and that I do think that my marriage is stronger because of this whole experience. I honestly won't let myself go to that dark place where children are not in the picture. I have to believe and I do believe that we will be parents. I also have to remind myself what we are blessed with: a home, a job I love, wonderful friends, supportive family, an amazing husband....the list goes on. I am someone who has never been pregnant and I want it so bad. I have unexplained IF yet I still have hope.
Please know that you are in my prayers. I hope that things work out for you and your husband.

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

im so sorry Jennifer.... i have a feeling that he doesnt realize how what hes saying is making you feel... i think he doesnt want to say the wrong thing and in turn is doing the wrong thing...

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

Although I haven't had an actual mc, it sounds like your thinking it pretty normal. Besides, it JUST happened. It will take time to heal from it. Eventhough your DH is a therapist himself, it's different when you are actually going through the situation. He probably doesnt want to say the wrong thing and being in the situation, doesn't feel that he can really give advise.

Re: husband won't talk to me anymore

What you are thinking and feeling is very real for alot of us. Dont be too mad at him for reacting the way he did. My DH when we got married thought we have plenty of time. I am +3yrs on him and my clock is-a-ticking. He of course wanted kids but the rush and the internal feelings are not the same. We are brought up from small children to take care of dolls so it is mostly inane for us. It's the let down that our bodies, which are built to procreate, dont do what we want. I wish I could give you a hug. Your DH must know that you are in a fragile place right now and honestly he probably doesnt know the right thing to say or not to say. Maybe he should say nothing and just be there for you.
I went thru the same thing where if you looked at me wrong or had a baby near you i cried. DH could not say anything right. And he couldnt understand how much it meant to me. To him its ok with a baby or without.
Maybe it is better to wait for someone who can mediate. That way you get it all out and just take the time now to understand that its ok to feel this way and you are not alone.