vent...UPDATE

So I am going for an HSG tomorrow but I don't think that I am ready for this whole infertility process. I know that I am only at the early stages of figuring out what is wrong, but so far nothing has been wrong. I have regular cycles and I ovulate on my own. Up until now I just kept thinking it was a timing issue and it would eventually happen before I would have to consider meds, IUI or IVF. I am now hoping that the HSG will clear things up and it will happen this month. I know that is highly unlilkely, but I think I am going to be devestaed if it doesn't....

How do you all deal with this? How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? How do you deal with month after month of dissapointment. When is enough, enough?

I haven't told anyone about all of this (except my DH of course) so, I just needed to vent.....

UPDATE****
Thank you for all of your responses. It's nice to know that I am not the only one that feels this way!

I had the HSG today. It really wasn't bad at all, but I am so emotional about this whole thing that I was tearing up before and during the test. I think that the Doctor and nurse thought I was nuts! But I think that this whole thing is making me a little nuts!!

The doctor said there were no problems and everything looked great which made me more upset b/c I feel like there is nothing to be fixed....so how are we going to make this happen? MY DH had the SA and there are no problems with him either.

So now I will have to wait to meet with the RE about my bloodwork and go from there...

Thanks again for the support!

Message edited 12/9/2009 4:22:47 PM.

Re: vent

Re: vent

Posted by BaseballWidow

Posted by ttcc


How do you all deal with this? How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? How do you deal with month after month of dissapointment. When is enough, enough?

Good luck with the HSG.
How do I deal with this? I have no idea to be honest. I just do, I keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and eventually take a few steps. Some days that first step out of bed is harder then others.

How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? That has changed as time has gone on. The more I thought I was figuring out and was getting closer to the goal, the more time, money and emotions I was willing to spend on it.

How do you deal with month after month of disappointment? Lots of crying, sometimes yelling, days spent in bed unable to function...then trying to focus on all the positives I DO have in my life and convincing myself I WON'T die if this doesn't happen even when it feels like I might.

When is enough, enough? Yesterday, last week, last month. But right now, today, enough will never be enough. It changes all the time and only you and DH can figure this one out.

It's hard, the hardest thing I have endured in my life so far. I can only hope that someday, regardless of how this journey ends, it will make sense and have had a purpose.

Re: vent

Posted by BaseballWidow

Posted by ttcc


How do you all deal with this? How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? How do you deal with month after month of dissapointment. When is enough, enough?

Good luck with the HSG.
How do I deal with this? I have no idea to be honest. I just do, I keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and eventually take a few steps. Some days that first step out of bed is harder then others.

How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? That has changed as time has gone on. The more I thought I was figuring out and was getting closer to the goal, the more time, money and emotions I was willing to spend on it.

How do you deal with month after month of disappointment? Lots of crying, sometimes yelling, days spent in bed unable to function...then trying to focus on all the positives I DO have in my life and convincing myself I WON'T die if this doesn't happen even when it feels like I might.

When is enough, enough? Yesterday, last week, last month. But right now, today, enough will never be enough. It changes all the time and only you and DH can figure this one out.

It's hard, the hardest thing I have endured in my life so far. I can only hope that someday, regardless of how this journey ends, it will make sense and have had a purpose.

Re: vent

I am not familiar with your situation but has your husband been tested? they can't find anything wrong with me at all but when my husband did the SA he had abnormal morph and sometimes low volume too. You would still have to get an HSG anyway even if he does have issues but I would make an appt to get a SA done. Also, we have a healthy child so even if you and your husband already have a child or if your husband has a child from another relationship, it does NOT rule out the fact that the problem might be him! Good luck!

Re: vent

First off It takes an incredible amount of strength that comes from within to get you through all of this....

As far as when is "enough is enough" ?
I think that varies from person to person...For me it was this

<----------------------------------------------------

I wasn't giving in until it happened
( whether it be biologicaly or otherwise)
As others have said, you just put one foot in front of the other and for me always having a plan B for the following cycle gave me a sense of empowerment and control over over a situation that I had no control over otherwise....

Its a long and hard road, but you have to try to keep your eye on the prize to get you through...

I that each of you get your miracles !!!!!!!

Re: vent

YUP it STINKS.

The only way I make it is because there is NO OTHER ROAD. You are on the road you are on. It may be longer & a lot more rough... but you are on it... and it STINKS... but you can't change roads if you want to get from point A to point B. At least that's the way I see unexplained female fertility.

Good luck with your journey. It does get EASIER even if you have continued disappointment. I think we all get numbed to it. I remember the 1st time I saw 2 follies after a stim with Clomid and thought about twins. To me...that 1st IUI failure was the DEATH of twins. You learn not to set yourself up like that again.

Re: vent

It's very hard! Our issue is male factor and therefore DH is VERY sensitive and doesn't want a single person to know. So I'm basically going through this with just him, no support from my mom and friends since I can't tell anyone. It's hard, but it's the way he wants it and I have to respect that. Maybe I would feel the same way if the issue were with me. Who knows.

I am 33 and DH is 38. This is our first attempt at IVF and I have my first beta tomorrow. I have NO idea how I will react if it's a number too low. I can't even say the words. Women and men who go through this are stronger than they think they are, and so are you.

Try to think of the good things in your life. For me, it's my health and my lovely DH. There is more than one way to be a mother.

Message edited 12/9/2009 9:41:02 AM.

Re: vent

Re: vent

Posted by BaseballWidow

Posted by ttcc


How do you all deal with this? How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? How do you deal with month after month of dissapointment. When is enough, enough?

Good luck with the HSG.
How do I deal with this? I have no idea to be honest. I just do, I keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and eventually take a few steps. Some days that first step out of bed is harder then others.

How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? That has changed as time has gone on. The more I thought I was figuring out and was getting closer to the goal, the more time, money and emotions I was willing to spend on it.

How do you deal with month after month of disappointment? Lots of crying, sometimes yelling, days spent in bed unable to function...then trying to focus on all the positives I DO have in my life and convincing myself I WON'T die if this doesn't happen even when it feels like I might.

When is enough, enough? Yesterday, last week, last month. But right now, today, enough will never be enough. It changes all the time and only you and DH can figure this one out.

It's hard, the hardest thing I have endured in my life so far. I can only hope that someday, regardless of how this journey ends, it will make sense and have had a purpose.

Re: vent

I totally agree with PPs.

I was in a similar situation - I never thought we'd need any help conceiving! We both are young (20s) and healthy... I always ovulated on my own and had regular periods. It was such a shock to be faced with "unexplained" infertility!

I have a ton of posts in my blog if you want to read about my process... but really you just take it one step at a time. You don't need to have it all figured out right now

Re: vent

My best advice - take it ONE day at a time. You don't have to decide right now how far you'll take this - just decide what you want to do for THIS cycle.

I never fathomed for a moment that I would have IVF - I was strongly against it. But after months and months of trying and progressing to more advanced methods each time, eventually that's where I landed. But if I tried to make that decision at the very beginning, I would have given myself a coronary!

Re: vent

Unfortunately you do what you have to do to get the outcome you desire. DH and I want children, we want more than one child and just to get this one has been such a difficult road. Not that I am trying to put the cart before the horse, but I have thought about if I can only have one child do I really want to do this? Or should I just look into adopting siblings? In the end DH and I decided to take this as far as insurance and our financial situation could take us.

Then for me there was the religious aspect (obviously this is about me and I don’t mean to offend anyone). I was raised Catholic, and my dad’s family is VERY religious. I didn’t want my dad to think differently about his grandchildren because they were conceived by IUI or IVF. I spoke to my dad about this and his words were, “Parents do whatever they have to do for their children.” And those words stuck with me. I have asked God for direction, to help me choose the right path for us. Let’s just say that I have a closer relationship with God because of all this. I understand that isn’t for everyone, but it’s what helps me right now.

Like Beth said, you need to take it one day at a time. You don’t have to make these decisions all at once. Talk things over with your doctor, and then take all that and talk it over with your DH. You do what you feel like you need to do for you and your DH to get where you want to be.

Good luck with everything!!

Message edited 12/9/2009 12:59:41 PM.

Re: vent...UPDATE

bump

Re: vent...UPDATE

I am sorry for all you are dealing with-- It is a VERY difficult process- the emotional toll is crazy-
I tried to take it one day at a time, but even that got to be impossible at times.
but, YOU DO GET THROUGH IT, as hard as it is.


best of luck to you!!

Re: vent...UPDATE

hang in there, its a good thing the hsg was clear. most likely you have unexplained fertility which a lot of girls on here do, your RE will work with you and see what your body needs

Re: vent...UPDATE

Re: vent...UPDATE

it is a tough road, so get all the support you can. The girls here are a wonderful source of info, support, encouragement, etc.

We were originally diagnosed w/male factor. We did 2 frozen transfers which ended up w/BFPs, but unfortunately I m/c both. I went for immune testing and turns out I have MTHFR. Hopefully my new protocol will result in a successful pregnancy.

I suggest if your diagnosis is "unexplained", see a perinatologist and have immune testing done. It answered so many questions for me and made me realize that the 2 losses weren't my fault.

Good luck!

Re: vent...UPDATE

Welcome to the wonderful world of unexplained infertility.

You're in lots of company.

Re: vent...UPDATE

We have unexplained infertilty (all of my tests and DH's tests came back perfect) and it was the hardest thing for me to deal with because I feel like you - if you can't find anything wrong then there's nothing to fix.

But my RE was great and said that the bottom line was getting us pregnant, and no matter what the diagnosis the procedure for helping us get pregnant was exactly what we were doing - IUI with clomid, then possibly IVF if that didn't work. Well, we did 2 IUI's with clomid and the second one worked and I am now 12 weeks pregnant.

Message edited 12/10/2009 8:25:37 AM.

Re: vent...UPDATE

Posted by karenk71

Posted by BaseballWidow

Posted by ttcc


How do you all deal with this? How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? How do you deal with month after month of dissapointment. When is enough, enough?

Good luck with the HSG.
How do I deal with this? I have no idea to be honest. I just do, I keep putting 1 foot in front of the other and eventually take a few steps. Some days that first step out of bed is harder then others.

How do you figure out how far you want to go with the whole process? That has changed as time has gone on. The more I thought I was figuring out and was getting closer to the goal, the more time, money and emotions I was willing to spend on it.

How do you deal with month after month of disappointment? Lots of crying, sometimes yelling, days spent in bed unable to function...then trying to focus on all the positives I DO have in my life and convincing myself I WON'T die if this doesn't happen even when it feels like I might.

When is enough, enough? Yesterday, last week, last month. But right now, today, enough will never be enough. It changes all the time and only you and DH can figure this one out.

It's hard, the hardest thing I have endured in my life so far. I can only hope that someday, regardless of how this journey ends, it will make sense and have had a purpose.

Very well put.