well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

to make a very long story short, my father and i have nothing to do with each other. he was an abusive a ss from the day i was born (because i reminded him of his father physically--as if that was my fault). he was, and still is, a horrible person who no one in the family wants anything to do with.

i have no problem not having a father as i have a very adoring and loving uncle and had a grandfather who meant the world to me. i came to grips with it many, many years ago and don't feel as if i missed out on anything. so it's not me i'm concerned about.

but now i have a son coming. and my son has a living grandfather. (DH's parents are also still alive, as is my mom).

it took a lot of thinking on my part, but i'm going to allow my "father" to be a grandfather to DS if he chooses to be. it's not about me, it's about my son who deserves a grandfather, even though i hate the man with every bone in my body.

so i went to him today. i told him that if he wants to be a grandfather, i'm okay with it. i told him that i wouldn't let our lack of a relationship affect my son and i wouldn't let him see ANY strain or hate between us. it took a lot for me to do this, but my son is all that matters. the one thing i told him was that if he decides to be a grandfather, he has to be there consistently from day 1 at the hospital. no coming in and out of his life. no deciding he hates me too much to see his grandson. it's all or nothing. that's the only way for DS to have a normal relationship with his grandfather and it's what is fair for HIM. i also told him that if he doesn't want to be a grandfather, it's his decision.

but i'm the one who would have to explain that to DS one day why grandpa lives with grandma but doesn't talk or play with him. how devastating for an innocent child.

i told him to not give me an answer now but to think about it. but the relationship starts on day 1.

i know i did the right thing even though it was the hardest thing i've done. this man honestly doesn't deserve to be a grandfather, but my innocent son deserves to have him in his life. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me even though this isn't my decision. i hope he realizes that i tried for him.

i doubt he'll be there. i'm not holding my breath. but it breaks my heart for my baby who isn't even here yet. i guess i'll see at the hospital.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

I'm so sorry. I'm sure that was such a tough thing to do, but how unselfish of you.

The only thing I hope is that if your father is not at the hospital, don't let it ruin the wonderful experience for yourself.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

I admire you for doing that. I know it must be an awful situation and it is so kind of you to put your relationship with him aside and think of your son.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

Long story short I dont have much to do with my father. He married a much younger woman, my mother, and she wanted to have a child, me. He didnt really want to have another one at his age so when I came along he had nothing to do with me..

I too felt that I should allow my father to be in my childs life. So after I had my first daughter I brought her to him and allowed him to be her grandfather. Basically our relationship lasted through me having a couple of more children before his cr@p got too much to bare.

I know I did the best that I could having a relationship with him for the sake of my children. I know that they know it too...basically what I'm trying to say is that your child will know that you did the right thing..KWIM?

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

Wow, what an amazing display of grace and selflessness you showed. Clearly he does not deserve you or DS, and I think it took a great strength of character to extend yourself that way. I hope he makes the right choice, and if not, it is 110% his loss. Your DS will be loved by the other amazing people in your life - and will certainly not hate or resent you.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

I admire you for doing that...I don't think I could do that and you know we have a similar situation. Just glad that my father is out of sight/out of mind!

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

WOW, I applaud you for being so unselfish! You must have a heart of gold! Good luck!
XOXOXO
BOTB

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

This is a tough one. I have been estranged completely from my mother for almost 5 years. I sent her letters about my wedding and my child.

People don't change for someone else. Plan and simple. You can extend your hand to him and see if this happens, but you have to expect to be hurt again. Do you want to expose your child to it? Is it really necessary for him?

Just a thought - you know better than I do what you need!!!

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

I am sure that was very hard for you to do...I recently patched things up with my mom since I became pregnant..let's just say she really has not been there for me, even through my wedding we have had a bumpy relationship.
Since the birth I see she is trying and only time will tell but I do want her in my life as I know you want your father there for your son...Best of luck and I hope you dad makes the right choices and can step up for you and your son...good luck

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

wow, i think that was a very a very big thing for you to do / offer and you are definitely already the bigger person!

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

I think that you were very selfless for doing that for your son. Even if at a young age your son does not understand, he will understand when he gets older. I just hope for your son, and for you, that your father is a part of his grandson's life.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

oh sweetie i can't imagine how hard it was for you to do that. i think knowing in your heart that you made the right decision for you and your son is the most ANYONE can ask if you. you are an amazingly strong person for even willing to consider letting this man back into your life for the sake of your DS.

no matter what, your son will be surrounded by TONS of people who love and adore him.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

I have a sort of similar situation with my father. He wasn't physically abusive but was verbally abusive and cheated on my mom several times before they finally got divorced when I was 16. He went on to get remarried and treats his stepkids way better than he treats my sisters and I.

Well I decided to let him have a relationship with DD. I didn't want my dislike for him interfere with that. Well DD is almost 5 months and he has seen her 4 times. I'm not too upset about it because she has 3 other grandparents that absolutely adore her.

When she gets older she may have questions but I'll take that as it comes. I think you did a wonderful thing and now the ball is in his court. If he wants to have a relationship it's his choice. If he doesn't than I'm sure in time your DS will understand. He will have other grandparents that love him and wonderful parents and that's all that he needs. You turned out pretty good I'm sure he will too.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

You did something that took a LOT of courage. I give you a lot of credit for taking that step and even giving your father the option of being in your DS's life.

Just remember...DS would never resent you for that!! There are reasons why you and your dad don't get along and you are surrounded by people that love you, will love him and that is all that matters.

Your son will see one day for himself why there is a lack of relationship between you and your father, but until then he won't know any differently. If your dad chooses involvement, GREAT. And if he doesn't, he is no worse off for it!! I know it stinks and he is an innocent baby...but some people just don't "get it". My own dad has seen Johnny twice!!! And the last time was when he was six months old. He is now 21 months

BUT i don't get too upset because Johnny has a nana, a set of grandparents and aunts and uncles that adore him. That is all that matters. If my dad makes an effort someday, fine. Right now though the lack of effort does not surprise me...and should that happen with you, don't be surprised, you can't change someone..hopefully he will do that on his own. And this sounds awful....but if he really deep down is a hateful person, it may come to a point where it's better that there is no involvement you know? You'll soon realize what is meant to be, and until then enjoy your son and don't get upset

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

Posted by maybebaby

You did something that took a LOT of courage. I give you a lot of credit for taking that step and even giving your father the option of being in your DS's life.

Just remember...DS would never resent you for that!! There are reasons why you and your dad don't get along and you are surrounded by people that love you, will love him and that is all that matters.

Your son will see one day for himself why there is a lack of relationship between you and your father, but until then he won't know any differently. If your dad chooses involvement, GREAT. And if he doesn't, he is no worse off for it!! I know it stinks and he is an innocent baby...but some people just don't "get it". My own dad has seen Johnny twice!!! And the last time was when he was six months old. He is now 21 months

BUT i don't get too upset because Johnny has a nana, a set of grandparents and aunts and uncles that adore him. That is all that matters. If my dad makes an effort someday, fine. Right now though the lack of effort does not surprise me...and should that happen with you, don't be surprised, you can't change someone..hopefully he will do that on his own. And this sounds awful....but if he really deep down is a hateful person, it may come to a point where it's better that there is no involvement you know? You'll soon realize what is meant to be, and until then enjoy your son and don't get upset

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

Best of Luck to you.
As a PP poster said you know what’s best for your child.

I think as long as you keep your child’s mental health in mind, you’ll be fine.

I have tried for years to get things back on page with my real mother for the very reason that I knew I wanted children. After her non-caring reaction to me nearly dying at 9/11 I realized I was fooling myself into hoping there’d be a chance.

Now I’m preggers. I didn’t tell that side of the family until I was 5months along (I don’t keep in contact much and didn’t at all for 16yrs after the divorce).

I made it clear in a detailed email to that side of the family that my mother is as dead to me as I know she wishes I was to her. Since she is no mother to me, she gets no grandmother privileges.

My mother’s lies, games and cruelty will never touch my child. My mother took pleasure in causing pain with sweet lies and lullabies. For my child’s mental health, she will never know her grandmother. She will know ‘a’ grandmother (my stepmother and my child will KNOW she’s my stepmother) and my child will have my husband’s mother as “GrandMa” and my Dad is “GrandPa” all others are just substitutes.

I don’t believe it’s the number or value of blood lines that make people family, it’s the values, honor, love and devotion that make family. Blood or not. Even if it’s only a handful of people, that love can/will last a life time if it’s with the right people.

Again, best of luck to you. I know your child will not resent you.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

You are amazing for offering your father a chance to be a grandfather. In the end, your son will not hate you for it. I believe just the opposite- he will love you and thank you for being so selfless.

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

Posted by lipglossjunky73

This is a tough one. I have been estranged completely from my mother for almost 5 years. I sent her letters about my wedding and my child.

People don't change for someone else. Plan and simple. You can extend your hand to him and see if this happens, but you have to expect to be hurt again. Do you want to expose your child to it? Is it really necessary for him?

Just a thought - you know better than I do what you need!!!

Re: well...i gave it my best shot. i just hope DS doesn't hate or resent me. very long

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by lipglossjunky73

This is a tough one. I have been estranged completely from my mother for almost 5 years. I sent her letters about my wedding and my child.

People don't change for someone else. Plan and simple. You can extend your hand to him and see if this happens, but you have to expect to be hurt again. Do you want to expose your child to it? Is it really necessary for him?

Just a thought - you know better than I do what you need!!!

I happen to agree with this. I wish you the best of luck.