Need Opinions- Long

I don't know what board to put this on so I figured this one would be best. I need opinions...

About 2 years ago my cousin had a surprise party for her husband on a Friday night starting at 7pm about an hour away from where I live. My DH couldn't go so I went with my family and had to get a sitter for my DD b/c she was not invited. My cousin got mad b/c my DH couldn't attend the party nor could some of our other family members b/c of a death in there family so she was annoyed. Because it was on a Friday night everyone was exhausted from working all day and to drive an hour in traffic to this party to be there by a certain time was a pain but we all did it. I didn't feel well b/c this is when my anxiety started and I didn't have any meds to help me so I was alittle out of it and she said everyone was a drag at the party because we didnt get up to dance. It was a small restaurant nothing big. Anyways, she got mad at everyone and said she wasn't going to anyone else's parties ever again. Now of course the next event was my wedding and I didn't think she would respond NO b/c I went to her husbands party when I didn't want to go but I had to do the right thing. Well she responded NO to my wedding and what a surprise it was for me. I was so upset and my family was upset. I just couldn't believe she would be so immature about it. Well the day of my wedding I found out she was 4 blocks away from my church(she lives all the way out east) picking up her niece who was in the church but she wouldn't come in. What a b****. So after that I said I didn't want to speak with her again and I would never go to anything of hers as well. I just felt at least have the decency to come in the church even though you didn't want to come to the reception. I didn't even get a card. I didn't want a gift but a card would of been nice. So a year went by and we didn't see her or talk to her and in November when my grandma passed away she showed up at the wake (she said to everyone that was her way of breaking the ice of what happen) she came up to me I said hello and left it like that. Then in March my mom had a surprise 60th birthday party for my dad and invited her and her family because they came to my grandmothers wake and they came and same thing just hello and that's it.

So now I was told her daughters sweet 16 is in July, just a dinner nothing big and were invited. Do I go and just forget what happen or do I say I have something on that day and not go. I am not a person to hold grudges and I feel bad b/c the party is for her daughter not her and her daughter really didn't do anything to me she is the one that hurt my feelings.

What would you do?

Edited:
I was looking at everyones responses and I would like to thank you for getting back to me. We both are on good terms b/c we said hello to eachother at both events. I do want to go to the party just to see my family. I will be missing out on my other cousins that I dont get to see very often. On the other hand I dont want to go and see this specific cousin and it is her daughter. If I didnt go I would definitly send a gift to her. Ahh... This decision is so hard.

Message edited 5/8/2008 3:19:09 PM.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

It sounds like you want to go and if that is so, I think you should go. When people do things out of spite (like her not going to your wedding) its easy to get caught up in the vicious cycle and perpetuate the issue. Don't not go because of something immature that your cousin did.

I think you should go if you want to (for her daughter and to see the rest of your family), not out of obligation or pressure. And if it feels uncomfortable, at least you'll always know that you made the effort and you can be proud of that.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

I would go. Maybe inviting you is her way of saying she's sorry ? Spiteful actions can get out of hand and you need to be the bigger person by showing up.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

depends.. do you want to continue to try and build a relationship back with your cousin? if so, then maybe you should go.
If not, then i'd send a gift to the daughter and not go to the party. That way you're sending a message to your cousin, but not punishing her daughter for it.

on the other hand, you're also perpetuating the whole thing if you don't go because you're still mad at her. Sometimes we get so caught up in the pettiness of things and we forget to take the higher road in family bickering. It was crappy of her to not go to your wedding, but if it was 2 years ago, i'd drop it and not continue the whole 'i'm not going to your thing because you didnt come to mine' way of thinking.
Seems like she did reach out to the family again by going to the wake and by inviting you to the sweet 16.
Do you want to go?

Re: Need Opinions- Long

I'm not sure what I would do. It would depend if I wanted a relationship with her or if I was ok with not having one.

If you aren't the type to hold grudges, then you'd go.

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I'd send a gift and not go to the party.

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Depending on the relationship you have with her DD, I would go. I hate when kids get caught up in this stuff. My Uncle and mom stopped speaking due to his psycho wife and it really hurt us kids. I was the Godmother to my younger cousin( I was 16 when she was born) and I wasn't even allowed to see her. It was awful for us and it wasn't our war.

I would go and be the bigger person.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

I think you should go. You've already come to cordial terms with your cousin, or at the very least a truce. Don't miss out on the time with the rest of your family over an old grudge.

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I would go and be the bigger person for it.

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I would go... but honestly, I wouldn't just forget about everything. If it's worth it to you to let it go, I would say something to her about how hurt you were just so she's aware that she didn't just "get away with it".

Her behavior was uncalled for and shouldn't be forgotten because in my experience people like that don't change... chances are, she will throw a fit again about something else.

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Choice c: don't go to the party and send a gift to the child.

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Sorry Jame, I wouldn't go, but I'd send a gift to the daughter...

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What would I do? I would go to the party, and let the past go.

I don't hold onto grudges for things like not coming to my wedding. It was her loss to miss that special day of yours. She was immature for not wanting to go to any family events, and frankly- you responded to her immaturity with immaturity for not wanting to go to any of her events because she didn't send you a card.

I would try to move on from there. She has clearly made attempts to get back in with your family by going to your grandmother's wake. She came up to you and made the effort to talk to you. It sounds like you rebuffed her. Thats OK. You had a lot more going on. It wasn't about her. But then she came again to your family function and again said hi and again, you rebuffed her. So in the end, she has made 2 attempts to talk to you, and you haven't responded.

So if you want a relationship with her, its you now who has to make the move.

If you don't, say you have something else to do that night and send a gift to her DD.

Message edited 5/8/2008 2:32:04 PM.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

I didnt vote because I needed an "other" catagory. I would be pizzed off too. However, it appears that she does want to put an end to all the BS. I would call her and let her know how much it hurt that she didnt come to or even acknowledge your wedding. Air it out on the phone and then make your decision as to whether you will attend or not. Either way, I'd send the daughter a gift.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

I wouldn't go

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bump for editting

Re: Need Opinions- Long

If you want to go, then go. You said she's showed up to the last 2 events, so I'd guess she's realized how petty she was being. I'd still be very upset about her behavior surrounding my wedding, but I wouldn't let it stop me from attending an event I was invited to that I actually wanted to attend.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

I would go just to prove you are a better person and don't resort to petty antics.

your cousin sounds like a real gem

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IF you have no intention of building a relationship with her, I wouldn't go , just send a gift. If you really want to put the past behind you and make ammends then you should go.

I'm the type of person that holds grudges, so I would probably pass.

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I would go. Yes, what she did was immature and spiteful. Go and see your family and have a good time. I have come to a point in my life that I don't hold grudges, just to much trouble. I refuse to let people like that make me stoop to that level. Lifes way too short.

Message edited 5/8/2008 6:12:03 PM.

Re: Need Opinions- Long

Well it seems like a good timing for her to start "renewing" the relationship. Just in time for the daughter's party.

I am sorry if I don't have any sympathy. I find it very odd and so much of a coincidence that you can go to her parties and buy presents and she could not make it to yours.

You went to the party. Why was she mad at you for?

It feels like the World revolves around her.

Again, I find it so convenient to talk to you again before her daughter's 16th birthday party.

Re: Need Opinions- Long