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clwp
Love my girls!
Member since 10/06 2114 total posts
Name:
mommy
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UPDATE: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
This is a bit of a ranting post...
So for the 5 years DH and I have been together we've always been the one's to travel to everyone else. Now that I'm heavily PG, tired and still trying to work until at least the week before I'm induced... I'm asking for the families to come to our house. So far my folks have abided by our wishes. Once the baby is born my "expectation" is that the families will continue to come to us as I'm hoping to BF and it's just hard to travel with an infant... I'm probably also going back to work f/t after my 12 week maternity leave so my weekends are my gold.
On the other side - there is DH's family. We have always gone to them - with Easter being next week we asked if they could come here. My FIL said "he wants to go out near their house as our house is too inconvenient to get to as we aren't right off a highway". I feel this is unreasonable. Am I being too harsh? DH is on my side and I told DH - I don't want to hear them complain that they never see their grandchild through us b/c they never come here. They don't work, and they complain they have nothing going on. I couldn't believe the highway thing was an "issue". We aren't THAT far, maybe 3 miles from the SSP and 5 from the NSP and 5 from the Cross Island. Meanwhile DH has a brother who lives out of state with his family, I can see that being "inconvenient", we live about 30 miles away. Maybe my expectations of our families are too harsh. I'm not going to BF in my IL's bathroom so they'd better get over this highway thing.
UPDATE: So after much back and forth DH tells me his mother called asking if we were coming over for Easter. DH said it's too hard for me to get around these days so he can't commit us to anything. Her response "isn't she at work? How is she getting around now?". When he told me that I was ready to call her and say some not so nice things. I said to DH, that's the whole purpose of weekends these days is so that I can take time to recover from the previous week and regain the stamina to get through the next 5 grouling days on my feet until the end of April. I know my MIL thinks I work "to get out of the house" or for something to do, she doesn't get it and maybe I should stop waiting for her to. Different generation and they are very old fashioned and set in their ways. There's just no respect there.
At the end of the day - we won't be seeing his family for Easter... they won't come to us. And I'm sure this is just the beginning of things to come. Wait till the baby comes and they demand we come to them so they can see the baby and we say "no, come here". It's really sad actually. I feel bad for DH b/c he's put in such a bad position, I had hoped that they would be more understanding of the situation, but maybe that's too much to ask.
Message edited 3/19/2008 9:05:19 PM.
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Posted 3/16/08 8:57 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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sunflowerjesss
Mommy to 3!
Member since 10/05 20369 total posts
Name:
Jesss, duh.
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Their attitudes may change once the baby is here. Once the baby is here they will hopefully come to the realization that you aren't going there and if they want to see the baby they need to get off their toosh and get in the car. And it would be nice if they could show a little more respect since you are pg and traveling isn't necessarily convenient or comfortable.
I have a sister who moved to NJ and because of that we obviously don't see her and her family as much. She has 2 sons and another on the way. So I understand it may be difficult for her to travel but at the same time she chose to move out of state and the rest of our entire family lives within 15 minutes of me. So clearly it's easier for a family of 4 people to travel to LI versus 15 (my parents, grandparents, etc) traveling to NJ.
Just thought I'd share it from the flip side
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:09 PM |
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Nicole728
My Happy Girl
Member since 7/06 8198 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
I don't think its wrong...We live in NC and all of our family is back in LI...in the past we have always made the trip to LI to see everyone, and the only ones who have come to us are my parents and a friend. Dh's family has yet to come and visit.
I do not plan on traveling with the baby until he/she is a few months old, so if people want to see the baby, they will have to come to us.
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:13 PM |
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Goldi0218
My miracles!
Member since 12/05 23902 total posts
Name:
Leslie
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
It is not wrong to ask anyone to coem to you if you are uncomfortable. As people get older, they get set in their ways and to them, change is BAD.
Both my mom and DH's parents live right off the LIE and the NSP in different locations. We dont live that far from either roadway nor do we live that far from our families and I still wouldn't go anywhere if I did not want to. Everyone else will just have to deal.
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:21 PM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
your dh's family are being a*ses! 
Message edited 3/16/2008 9:25:41 PM.
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:25 PM |
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clwp
Love my girls!
Member since 10/06 2114 total posts
Name:
mommy
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Posted by aliwnec10
your dh's family are being a*ses!
Ain't that the truth. I just feel bad for DH b/c they always give him the "guilt trip" about coming to see them. They have another grandchild here on LI and they NEVER make the effort to go see him... it's up to their son to bring him to them.
It's just getting harder and harder for me lately and I really have to try to work at least until mid-April so that I can get my FMLA benefits... but they don't care about that - it's always about THEM! I just don't want to hear it later when we "never come to see them" or they "never see their grandchild". Once I go back to work after the baby - Sunday's are MY day, I'm not going ANYWHERE!!!
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:32 PM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Posted by clwp
Posted by aliwnec10
your dh's family are being a*ses!
Ain't that the truth. I just feel bad for DH b/c they always give him the "guilt trip" about coming to see them. They have another grandchild here on LI and they NEVER make the effort to go see him... it's up to their son to bring him to them.
It's just getting harder and harder for me lately and I really have to try to work at least until mid-April so that I can get my FMLA benefits... but they don't care about that - it's always about THEM! I just don't want to hear it later when we "never come to see them" or they "never see their grandchild". Once I go back to work after the baby - Sunday's are MY day, I'm not going ANYWHERE!!!
Ugh i feel your pain! And it's complete b.s! My mothers excuse is that her boyfriend doesn't like to drive in the dark (she can't drive).  But yet i'm supposed to drive up there to see them almost every week!
I'm awfully tired of the one way street! So i can understand your frustration as well! 
Message edited 3/16/2008 9:39:42 PM.
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:38 PM |
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clwp
Love my girls!
Member since 10/06 2114 total posts
Name:
mommy
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Re: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Posted by aliwnec10
Posted by clwp
Posted by aliwnec10
your dh's family are being a*ses!
Ain't that the truth. I just feel bad for DH b/c they always give him the "guilt trip" about coming to see them. They have another grandchild here on LI and they NEVER make the effort to go see him... it's up to their son to bring him to them.
It's just getting harder and harder for me lately and I really have to try to work at least until mid-April so that I can get my FMLA benefits... but they don't care about that - it's always about THEM! I just don't want to hear it later when we "never come to see them" or they "never see their grandchild". Once I go back to work after the baby - Sunday's are MY day, I'm not going ANYWHERE!!!
Ugh i feel your pain! And it's complete b.s! My mothers excuse is that her boyfriend doesn't like to drive in the dark (she can't drive). But yet i'm supposed to drive up there to see them almost every week!
I'm awfully tired of the one way street! So i can understand your frustration as well!
I love the excuses... what is wrong with that generation... and they say our's is the "me" generation and we have no "respect". I told DH, his parent's need hobbies! I love the sense of entitlement of the "babyboomers". I told DH that I am happy to have a 50% effort in ensuring they are part of their granchildren's lives, but I refuse to do 100%. My one way street is about to hit a "dead end".
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| Posted 3/16/08 9:50 PM |
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clwp
Love my girls!
Member since 10/06 2114 total posts
Name:
mommy
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Re: UPDATE: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Updated in OP.
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| Posted 3/19/08 9:08 PM |
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wannabemom
look who's freshly baked!
Member since 12/07 7364 total posts
Name:
aka marriedinportjeff
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Re: UPDATE: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
you just described my family.
they complain when they have to come to LI for a wedding. (I swear they think that westchester / north NJ is the center of the universe )
After years of dealing with this BS, I realized I will completely lose contact with them if I do not drive to them. (they certainly won't come to us unless it's a wedding, baptism, or funeral.)
I've also been wondering how this would work out with an infant  .... not realistic at all to follow our normal christmas schedule (driving to brooklyn for a late dinner on 12/24 and going to westchester for 12/25) with a 3 month old 
Alas, the one thing I can tell you is that they will not change..... ever. If you stop going to them, they'll blame you for losing touch
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| Posted 3/19/08 10:27 PM |
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clwp
Love my girls!
Member since 10/06 2114 total posts
Name:
mommy
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Re: UPDATE: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Posted by wannabemom
I've also been wondering how this would work out with an infant .... not realistic at all to follow our normal christmas schedule (driving to brooklyn for a late dinner on 12/24 and going to westchester for 12/25) with a 3 month old
Alas, the one thing I can tell you is that they will not change..... ever. If you stop going to them, they'll blame you for losing touch
That's fine by me, they blame us for everything else. I hate guilt trips! Especially when we are opening our door. It's not like we are saying "we aren't coming to you and don't come here either". I think they are very selfish, maybe not "intentionally" it may just be who they are, but my threshold is not very high these days and I'm sure when I'm a stressed out working mother it won't be very high then either. DH and I already discussed that his parent's house may not be the way we will go for x-mas. I'm sure when we invite here they'll decline though. I really don't care and DH seems to have changed his way of giving in to them. I'm not going to their tiny house with an infant for holidays when last year they had more people than they had chairs in the dining room for. People had to wait to eat until other people were done. To me that's insane. But whatever! I hardly have a relationship with my IL's b/c they are so self serving and have zero respect for people who don't think exactly like they do.
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| Posted 3/20/08 9:51 PM |
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1stimemom
Love my boys
Member since 2/08 8766 total posts
Name:
Mrs Dee
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Re: UPDATE: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
you are 100% right. Don't back down. They have issues
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| Posted 3/21/08 7:38 AM |
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aliwnec10
mom of 3 boys
Member since 4/06 11426 total posts
Name:
Ali
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Re: UPDATE: Family - is it wrong to ask them to come to you now?
Well i'm sorry that there wasn't a positive result for Easter. I had a feeling it would go that way. 
But you're still 100% right. They certainly can make exceptions and come to you every once in a while.
Maybe, just maybe they'll come around when the baby is born! 
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| Posted 3/21/08 8:19 AM |
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