Need some advice

So I have been working at this firm for 6 months, and I am miserable. I am the only female associate there (for a reason). Now I LOVE the work, and working with 2 of the 3 partners isn't too bad.

The main reason I am miserable is this one partner. Everytime we talk about a case, he shames me. Why didn't you do this? Why didn't you do that? etc... I feel like I am being quizzed rather than taught.

Now I can take constructive criticism, but I have never had a word of praise to go with it. So the only feedback I have gotten in the past 6 months is criticism, and not in the nicest way, from this one partner.

Now I have been working for 7 years before this, and I have never been criticized like this on a recurring basis before. This attorney has extremely high standards and is very thorough (and very brilliant). I would love to learn to be like him, but I can't take the way he makes me feel after one of these sessions. I just feel like a total failure. On Monday he even started shouting that something I wrote was nonsese in the hallway and walked away before I could explain where I got that information.

So my sister, who is not an attorney and worked in the health care field for 4 years before becoming a SAHM thinks I should talk to him about the way he talks to me. I am SO uncomfortable with it.

But I was thinking I could say something like, I have been working for 7 years and I have never had the criticism that you have given me before. I am working on it and I would like to perform the way you do. I plan on going over my cases with him to see what I have missed that he sees. But the only feedback I have had is negative and it makes the criticism feel less constructive.

What do you think? Is it worth it? I have contacted my headhunter and will start looking for a new job.


ETA: I really dont think this guys is a mean person, I just think he doesn't know any other way to communicate. But rather than teaching me this is how we like it, he makes me feel awful for doing it wrong. He is just so passive agressive.

The lack of communication skills is not unique to this partner. The other partner (of 3) is awful also. He pretty much only communicates by e-mail. However, when HE totally fuked up and I had to go into work at 8 pm during my week off, he called me the next day to thank me and to let me know he did get the memo I had sent 3 months prior. No apology, but still it was an acknowledgment that it was his error, not mine.

Message edited 11/8/2007 8:20:14 AM.

Re: Need some advice

When I started working, my father gave me some great advice - if you feel the job you are in is changing you and your personality, it's not worth it. You have to be happy at work or it changes your outlook on the rest of your life.

With that said, do you feel that talking to your supervisor will change his behavior in a positive way or make it worse? Is it just that he's being negative and criticizing, or is it the tone that is abusive? From your description of his behavior in the hallway, that seems to border more on abusive/harrassing behavior than constructive criticism.

Is there an HR department that can help you confront the partner?

I am not an attorney, but I understand how hard it is to be the only female in an office full of males. Good luck

Re: Need some advice

Every person deserves to be spoken to in a respectful manner.

I think that you definitely should speak with him and let him know that while his intentions may not be to insult you, it comes across as such. You can always spin it like "I understand that you may think your tactics are a way for me to learn, but the truth is, I do not learn anything when you speak to me in that manner. Maybe we can sit down and come up with a better strategy." Or something like that.

Re: Need some advice

I don't think it would hurt to talk to him. I would do it at a seperate time when you aren't discusing a file and maybe towards the end of the day. Law can be stressful and he might just take it out on you which isn't fair.

Before I became a SAHM I worked for a small accounting firm. Their were 3 partners also. One partner was like the dad, one partner (the main one) was like the friend and then one was never really in only a week a month so I didn't know him to well but everyone who worked their had at least one altercation with him and I hadn't so I didn't know what they were talking about. Then one late afternoon he called me to tell me pull files out leave them on his car so all he had to grab them and leave the office on his way to his client. Well I forgot. The next morning I get in and he slammed my calculator (a small cheap one) on to my desk broke all the crystals in it and then took a ball point pen and wrote a piece of paper as hard as could in caps where are my files. He wrote so hard that the tip broke and the ink was coming out and the letters were connecting. Well when I saw that I started bawling and I went to one of the partners (the dad one) and he thought someone died because I couldn't get a grip and I told him what happend. He said it wasn't right what he did and that was it and that didn't satify me at all. So after dodging every call that in for 45 minutes. I finally called him back because he did call. Before he could say anything I told him straight out how wrong that was and I didn't do it intentially. Then I started to cry again. He apoligized after that time he never ever gave me a hard time about anything even if I forgot. It likes I received new found respect from him for sticking up for myself. The other partners use to get annoyed with him because he would call me into his office like he needed something but all he wanted to do was talk about houses or vent about his MIL. Trust me I was ready to walk about that door and never come back but I didn't.
Now the other partner who was like a friend use to take out his frustrations on me and it got to the point were he would just keep giving me work on top of the other partners and then get mad and then one of the clients would tick him off and he would bit my head off so it would get to a point that I would just start to cry (yes I did do to much crying their) and I would tell him he can't talk to me like that, it's not fair. One week he was gone but calling me like a million times a day and all I did was cry the entire time and he couldn't believe it when I told him. But he also stopped and then once I became PG my whole presception changed and I spoke my mind and never cried again.

I hope things work out for you

Re: Need some advice

I AM an attorney and I think working with some attorneys requires a rather thick skin. Sounds like he is one of those partners. I work with some of the most brilliant and best attorneys in the world - they always have something critical to say about my work. Some have compliments... um, sometimes... Some are easy to deal with and some less so. Some are more pleasant than others, and some I hardly stand. The majority, though, are pleasant to work with. Of course, it sounds like we have far more partners in my firm than you do, so I'm not exposed to the same people on a daily basis for extended periods of time - for the most part.

Without actually being there, though, it's tough to gage if he truly is being a monster or if you're are taking it a bit too hard. That doesn't matter so much as the fact that you're really unhappy (and he sounds like a jerk). If you're MISERABLE and the situation won't change, you need to leave no matter the reason. Like the above poster said, if your job is changing your personality and who you are for the worse, it's time to move on. Even lawyers deserve to be happy!!!

Unfortunately, I don't know too many partners in my firm who would take too kindly to an associate telling them said associate's feelings were hurt by the way the partner was talking to her. While it may be TOTALLY valid criticism, I just don't think that conversation would go over too well. I also think it could make your situation worse. Sounds like he's hard-nosed and stuck in his ways anyway and you need to be tough right back to him. I have a feeling he'd take anything you say as a sign of weakness and prey on that. That might make your life even worse while you try to find a new job.

Is your firm large enough to have an HR department? If so, I'd start there. If not, I'd read the book The No A$$hole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't by Robert Sutton. There is tons of good advice in there for dealing with just about ANY harsh personality type - boss or subordinate.

If you truly are unhappy, you should go. I have partners who have SOMETHING critical to say about everything I do and are slow with (or simply don't offer) praise. They are, however, extremely nice people who are pleasant to work with -- and they make me want to be a better attorney. I've NEVER gotten more than a "good job" or "way to go" from a partner here - and every single one of my year end reviews has been gushing with praise from all I've worked for... so I think on a day to day basis, a lot of lawyers (particularly men) just aren't good at giving praise. Unfortunately, it sounds like you have an egomaniac who also has no tact at your firm.

Before you decide if you truly want to discuss this with him, answer two questions: (1) Is it going to help you, hurt you, or have no effect? and (2) Are you going to leave anyway? With respect to number 1, unless you really think talking to him will help your working realtionship with him in any way, don't do it. It may make YOU feel better to get it off your chest, but it will likely strain your relationship with him further. If the answer to #2 is yes, don't do it. It will only make his impression of you that you're thin-skinned and weak and couldn't hack it at his firm. Chances are that couldn't be farther from the truth, so don't let him think that and carry that with him if you do in fact leave this firm. Leave on a professional, civil basis, and don't lead on that there are hard feelings. Reputations travel fast in our industry, so I'd leave the situation alone if you're planning to leave anyway.

Good luck. It's not fair to anyone to have to get up and go somewhere to be berated all day long. I wish you luck in figuring out how to deal with him. (Read the book. It's helpful!) If you choose to move on (and maybe it is healthiest for you if you do), then best of luck finding a job you LOVE with people you enjoy working with.

Re: Need some advice

Re: Need some advice

it amazes me how many bosses out there don't know thing one about how to communicate with their staff! I have run into this many time at previous jobs and DH is going through it now as well. it really stinks and IMO, everyone who has someone reporting to them should go through a management training course. I took a Dale Carnegie training course for managers several yrs ago and it was very good! I learned a lot from it.

as for talking to your boss, I don't think it is a bad idea. but I agree that maybe it's time to update the resume and start looking again.

good luck!

Re: Need some advice

Shelly, sorry he's so nasty! I definately think you should bring it to his attention. Maybe no one has done it before and he doesn't realize he's making you feel that way. I would tell him that you do admire him as a lawyer and feel that you could learn a lot from him...but...and bring up your issues. I think you are entitled to it.

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