what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

So, my daughter came to me about a month ago to tell me that she thinks her friend is developing an eating disorder. The friend began acting odd after they had to do a weigh-in/BMI thing in gym. I suggested that my daughter stop by the counseling center at school to get their advice. They suggested she talk to her friend. So, she did and her friend told her she was being crazy, everything is fine. Anyway, last night she came to me again. She is really worried about her friend. Friend has lost weight. She no longer eats lunch. She claims that drinking makes her bloated, so she doesn't drink anything all day either. The girls at lunch tried to do an "intervention" of sorts, and friend finally agreed to eat a granola bar. All she talks about is losing weight and which diet she is going to try, etc. My DD said friend is always snippy now... DD thinks she's probably "hangry".

I don't know what to tell my daughter. She is obviously concerned, as am I. What would you do in this case? I know the girl, but I don't know her parents at all... should I tell my daughter to go back to the counseling center? Go talk to the nurse? Ugh. I don't want anyone to be the cause of embarrassment for the girl if there is nothing wrong, but at the same time... eating disorders are quite common at this age.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Can your daughter and few of the other girls go back to the counseling center and talk to someone about their concerns. Maybe strength in numbers will get them to take a look at whats going on.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

I would have her go back to the school counselor.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

This is just my personal experience, have your daughter go to the counselor again, alone. The strength in numbers may sound like a good idea, but it may backfire and the girl could become embarrassed. Like I said, my personal experience. I wouldn't involve a ton of people. But, I also think the parents need to take over instead of your daughter in this role. The counselor should reach out to the parents.

Message edited 3/1/2017 10:01:49 AM.

what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

I personally wouldn't have your daughter do anything else. Just tell her and her friends to be supportive and to try to avoid body issue topics at all when they are together. With the friends pushing this girl it is not going to help her, only drive her further away.

Find out if your school has a SAFE helpline. At our school we have one and it is anonymous but they have to follow up on the call. Have an adult call and voice your concerns and have the school follow up with it.

what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Thank you for all the advice so far.

My daughter's ultimate goal is just to get an adult to help her friend. DD is only 12 and knows that she is not the one that is going to be handling everything... she just wants to make sure that someone keeps an eye out and can intervene if necessary.

I guess I will tell her to go back to the counseling center, and see what they say now that she's tried talking to her friend as they suggested.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

I think this is a counselor/school psychologist issue. I work in a HS and that's who I would contact about this. As a friend, I would not confront the other girl. The school staff should be trained to address issues like this and should be the ones contacting her parents.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

I feel for your daughter. She feels responsible because she noticed this. Her friend will eventually be grateful for her help and concern.

Things I would do:

Definitely go back to counselor for more advice with this updated Info.

If this was a friend I was close with and spent time with, I'd encourage healthy eating and daily fun exercise together to show how a healthy lifestyle is best. You feel good and your body thanks you.

Talk to her alone and seriously about the concern. Maybe send her links to websites for help with how she feels. Encourage her to speak to a counselor.

Eating disorders can get serious and real quick without intervention. It shouldnt rest on your daughters shoulders alone. If she tries all these different approaches and nothing works, she may have to tell the girls mom so she can get the help she needs

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

I'm a social worker and spent 6 years as a school social worker.

Your daughter's age tells me that at this point this shouldn't be on her shoulders. She's done some amazing things so far and reached out for help. As the adults, the school counselor and the parent who knows (you in this case) now need to take next steps. My advice would be for you to call the homeroom or other involved teacher and share your daughter's thoughts. The teacher should then follow up with the school counselor and/or girl's parent. Feel free to FM me if you'd like to talk it through more.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Posted by MsSissy

Posted by shaleywhale

Thank you for all the advice so far.

My daughter's ultimate goal is just to get an adult to help her friend. DD is only 12 and knows that she is not the one that is going to be handling everything... she just wants to make sure that someone keeps an eye out and can intervene if necessary.

I guess I will tell her to go back to the counseling center, and see what they say now that she's tried talking to her friend as they suggested.

12 yrs old I thought they were a bit older. Maybe 15-16.

is there a way you can contact the counseling center and let them know your has come to you a few times with her concerns?

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

12 is young but not really.

I was 13 when I stopped eating. It was right at puberty when I went from rail thin to a double D with hips and thighs to match. My sister and mom were stick figures and I felt so uncomfortable in my skin.

Almost 3 years later and a size 0 being too big on me, I realized this wasn't healthy and I had to stop. Partly from seeing shows like Beverly Hills 90210 and some talk shows with topics on anorexia believe it or not.

I continue to have an issue with food. My weight is always an issue. At almost 40, I now try to be healthy more than thin. Even though the scale haunts me. Once you have a full on eating disorder, you always do. Same with any "drug or extreme behavior" it doesn't go away. You just work at it.

So hopefully your daughters intervention w the help of a school official, can save her friend from a life long battle. I truly believe if I had the resources for help when it all began, it would have been a lot easier for me to be my best self.

Message edited 3/1/2017 11:09:46 AM.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Posted by shaleywhale

Posted by MsSissy

Posted by shaleywhale

Thank you for all the advice so far.

My daughter's ultimate goal is just to get an adult to help her friend. DD is only 12 and knows that she is not the one that is going to be handling everything... she just wants to make sure that someone keeps an eye out and can intervene if necessary.

I guess I will tell her to go back to the counseling center, and see what they say now that she's tried talking to her friend as they suggested.

12 yrs old I thought they were a bit older. Maybe 15-16.

is there a way you can contact the counseling center and let them know your has come to you a few times with her concerns?

Everything starts so much earlier, it seems.

I have considered doing this, but didn't know if it was the right course of action. I feel like this is such a sensitive issue... and I am just so worried about doing the wrong thing and causing some kind of irreparable damage. I suppose that sounds dramatic, but this is such a tough age range to get through for girls as it is.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Posted by shaleywhale

Posted by MandJZ

I'm a social worker and spent 6 years as a school social worker.

Your daughter's age tells me that at this point this shouldn't be on her shoulders. She's done some amazing things so far and reached out for help. As the adults, the school counselor and the parent who knows (you in this case) now need to take next steps. My advice would be for you to call the homeroom or other involved teacher and share your daughter's thoughts. The teacher should then follow up with the school counselor and/or girl's parent. Feel free to FM me if you'd like to talk it through more.

THANK YOU!!! Thank you for responding... I will FM you, if you truly don't mind. My daughter is really, really worried, and based on what she's said... I'm pretty concerned myself. I just don't want to do the wrong thing and wind up causing more problems.

They don't teach you how to handle these situations in the "raising kids" handbook I got when I had kids. Oh, wait, right... there WAS no handbook. And here I am, 12 years later, just... winging it.

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Posted by MsSissy

Posted by shaleywhale

Posted by MsSissy

Posted by shaleywhale

Thank you for all the advice so far.

My daughter's ultimate goal is just to get an adult to help her friend. DD is only 12 and knows that she is not the one that is going to be handling everything... she just wants to make sure that someone keeps an eye out and can intervene if necessary.

I guess I will tell her to go back to the counseling center, and see what they say now that she's tried talking to her friend as they suggested.

12 yrs old I thought they were a bit older. Maybe 15-16.

is there a way you can contact the counseling center and let them know your has come to you a few times with her concerns?

Everything starts so much earlier, it seems.

I have considered doing this, but didn't know if it was the right course of action. I feel like this is such a sensitive issue... and I am just so worried about doing the wrong thing and causing some kind of irreparable damage. I suppose that sounds dramatic, but this is such a tough age range to get through for girls as it is.

I agree. It is a very sensitive issue.

The thing for me. Is I wouldn't want to put anymore on my daughter. I would let her know adults are now involved and they will take over. First and foremost the parents of this girl need to be informed of whats going on. And hopefully by contacting the center at school they will take the step to do that.

So sorry your daughter is dealing with this. It's too much for a 12 yr old

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

I haven't read all of the other advice, but wanted to share an experience.

In high school one of the girls in my group of friends was anorexic (and we later learned bulimic, too). We were all very close so a couple of us decided to talk to her mom. Her mom had no idea and was very thankful we told her. She got help for her daughter.

We were a bit older - probably 15 at the time, though. If YOU are close to the mom, and you feel comfortable, you can certainly reach out and let the mom know that your daughter and other friends are worried. Not all moms will want to hear it, but if it were my child, I would definitely appreciate someone telling me.

The other option is for YOU to reach out to the counselor at school if your daughter doesn't want to do it again. She is young and shouldn't have this on her shoulders. At the same time, the children are the ones seeing it first hand at school, so someone needs to protect this young girl and speak up.

what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all

Thank you all for the advice. Special thanks to MandJZ for the help over FM. Message has been left at the school requesting a call back, and fingers are now crossed that help will be forthcoming.

Thank you all again!

Re: what would you do... not sure how to handle this at all