| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: 1 [2] |
hmm
Sweet
Member since 1/14 7991 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by mommy2be716
Posted by PrincessP
Posted by hmm
Posted by PrincessP
I'd leave it alone. It's far from immature to spare someone's feelings. If you don't want to answer, don't answer. But don't hurt the person.
just wondering, how is ignoring someone not hurting their feelings?
Telling someone why might hurt or it might not but ignoring can be hurtful and conufusing
And why would you think your opinion of someone matters? I'm curious? It's ok to move on without hurting someone's feelings.
this is kind of what I am struggling with. I know it's the more mature thing to have a convo and tell her the reasons why we don't really want to have a relationship with her (drinking habits, drugs, telling other friends and family my personal business because she feels it is her place, and we are just simply at two different places in our lives and don't have anything in common anymore), but I also don't want to hurt her more by addressing habits that she doesn't seem concerned about on her end. I feel like it is not my place to tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and whatever, because she has the right to do whatever she wants with her life. I just no longer want to be around that.
That is why I was just ignoring and then saying I didn't see the text, using the baby as my excuse for alot of reasons why i couldn't hang out, saying I was busy with work, etc. But she continues to berate me and not leave me alone. Unfortunately, I have felt this way for over 5 years and never said anything because she gave me my space and we saw each other a couple of times a year so it was tolerable. Now that I have dd, she has been trying to reconnect more than ever and won't back down.
I agree 100% OP it is very hard. Some people would stop trying to connect. Clearly, she is not going to stop unless you address it. I assume it produces anxiety on your part when you get a text or a call, bc in the back of your mind you want it just to stop. It might be causing anxiety on her part bc she doesn't know there is a problem and wants to connect. It might be freeing for both just to say it.
FM U
|
Posted 12/26/16 1:15 PM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Do you want to cut all ties with this person permanently or just keep her as a "phone friend" that you don't hang out with? Your answer would change how I would handle...
|
| Posted 12/26/16 2:36 PM |
| |
|
mommy2be716
LIF Adult
Member since 1/16 2921 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by itsbabytime
Do you want to cut all ties with this person permanently or just keep her as a "phone friend" that you don't hang out with? Your answer would change how I would handle...
a phone friend is not so bad, considering we have many mutual friends and it could get awkward otherwise. I would prefer to gently push her away and keep her at a comfortable distance so that if we did see each other here and there it would not be uncomfortable
|
| Posted 12/26/16 4:25 PM |
| |
|
JennP
LIF Adult
Member since 10/06 3986 total posts
Name:
Jenn
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by mommy2be716
Posted by PrincessP
Posted by hmm
Posted by PrincessP
I'd leave it alone. It's far from immature to spare someone's feelings. If you don't want to answer, don't answer. But don't hurt the person.
just wondering, how is ignoring someone not hurting their feelings?
Telling someone why might hurt or it might not but ignoring can be hurtful and conufusing
And why would you think your opinion of someone matters? I'm curious? It's ok to move on without hurting someone's feelings.
this is kind of what I am struggling with. I know it's the more mature thing to have a convo and tell her the reasons why we don't really want to have a relationship with her (drinking habits, drugs, telling other friends and family my personal business because she feels it is her place, and we are just simply at two different places in our lives and don't have anything in common anymore), but I also don't want to hurt her more by addressing habits that she doesn't seem concerned about on her end. I feel like it is not my place to tell her that her behavior is inappropriate and whatever, because she has the right to do whatever she wants with her life. I just no longer want to be around that.
That is why I was just ignoring and then saying I didn't see the text, using the baby as my excuse for alot of reasons why i couldn't hang out, saying I was busy with work, etc. But she continues to berate me and not leave me alone. Unfortunately, I have felt this way for over 5 years and never said anything because she gave me my space and we saw each other a couple of times a year so it was tolerable. Now that I have dd, she has been trying to reconnect more than ever and won't back down.
I see it differently - I feel like everything you said in the first paragraph gives you the perfect out.
I know I personally have no space in my life for someone who regularly drinks (I am assuming to excess) and does drugs.
Just tell her what you said at the end of the first paragraph - she has the right to do what she wants with her life but you don't want to be around it. Done.
Maybe that will even urge her to get help.
To soften the blow you can always add that you like her as a person and maybe you can rekindle things if she changes her ways. Assuming that's true of course.
|
| Posted 12/26/16 4:40 PM |
| |
|
Adri
Joy!
Member since 5/05 3116 total posts
Name:
A
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
I usually go by ignoring the person or making up excuses. IMO, I feel it is less hurtful than telling the person I don't want to hang out any more... Also I'm not good at those kind of conversations. I have been in the other end (texting a "friend" many times and she never answered back, to the point I thought she had changed her phone number -she hadn't-), and I was kind of upset, but I understood the message and moved forward.
|
| Posted 12/26/16 6:06 PM |
| |
|
NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
It sounds to me like you're the bad friend. She's drinking and doing drugs and you're not willing to talk to her about it? Sounds like she's struggling with something and could use a good friend. No, it's not something your child should be around. But perhaps you have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you're worried about these excessive, dangerous habits. See what her response is. If she doesn't want to change or get help, then you says that's fine, but not something you wish to be around (or your child). That's your "out." But just ignoring a friend who keeps reaching out to you? That's pretty rude IMO.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 9:04 AM |
| |
|
skew
LIF Adult
Member since 5/05 6794 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Do you think perhaps her behaviors have changed, she has matured and wants to reconnect? You said that since you had the baby, she has been reaching out more.
Could you make one last attempt at seeing her and if you still feel the same (not wanting a relationship) then be open and honest with her?
|
| Posted 12/27/16 9:11 AM |
| |
|
|
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
If she has a serious problem with drinking and drugs, I wonder if you should perhaps discuss these issues with her. Explain the concerns that you have. Maybe she is willing to change, or maybe she has changed. Or maybe she needs someone to reach out.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 9:38 AM |
| |
|
luvmykids8
LIF Adult
Member since 9/15 2050 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by oldtimerocknroll
If she has a serious problem with drinking and drugs, I wonder if you should perhaps discuss these issues with her. Explain the concerns that you have. Maybe she is willing to change, or maybe she has changed. Or maybe she needs someone to reach out.
I agree w this. Maybe she is reaching out to you bc she needs a friend right now. I would arrange to meet her and discuss your concerns and be honest with her. If she still doesn't change her habits, then I would cut all ties and ignore her from now on.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 9:42 AM |
| |
|
2plus2
LIF Infant
Member since 9/16 110 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
I am in a similar situation as well. I works at a company maybe 9 years ago and was friendly with the lady who was the manager of my dept. We would go to lunch once a month or I would babysit her kids when she stuck. I am about 12 years younger than her.
Anyway I got a new job and our lives have both changed. I have young kids and am married. She was going through a divorce when we worked together. But her kids are in there 20s and shes dating and going to bars, while I am still raising kids.
I started to distance myself years ago and every time she texts me, reminds me of long its been since I have last seen her. I've tried nicely before explaining that things are so different and she doesn't get it. I tried ignoring her calls, but then she will call me at work.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 11:10 AM |
| |
|
mommy2be716
LIF Adult
Member since 1/16 2921 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by NYCGirl80
It sounds to me like you're the bad friend. She's drinking and doing drugs and you're not willing to talk to her about it? Sounds like she's struggling with something and could use a good friend. No, it's not something your child should be around. But perhaps you have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you're worried about these excessive, dangerous habits. See what her response is. If she doesn't want to change or get help, then you says that's fine, but not something you wish to be around (or your child). That's your "out." But just ignoring a friend who keeps reaching out to you? That's pretty rude IMO.
The drinking has been addressed numerous times to the point where it is no longer is brought up. She does not think it is a problem, nor does she plan on changing. It is not something I will waste time bringing up to her anymore. She is an angry drunk, and becomes completely unbearable to be around and says and does very uncomfortable things when she is drunk. She hears it constantly from her family so it is not something I feel is my place anymore. She made it clear many times that it is her life and insists that she doesn't drink in excess.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 12:03 PM |
| |
|
mommy2be716
LIF Adult
Member since 1/16 2921 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by skew
Do you think perhaps her behaviors have changed, she has matured and wants to reconnect? You said that since you had the baby, she has been reaching out more.
Could you make one last attempt at seeing her and if you still feel the same (not wanting a relationship) then be open and honest with her?
we did- we saw her two weeks ago with a group of adults, two of whom have babies. She was completely wasted and was holding all the babies and all the adults kept taking them out of her hands because she wasn't not in a position to be near the children. She wouldn't take the hint and kept forcing herself in. She spoke in a baby voice for the entire 3 hours we were there, even to the adults. She is losing her mind!
She is reconnecting because she has insane baby fever. Don't really think it has anything to do with her wanting to see us at this point.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 12:06 PM |
| |
|
NYCGirl80
I love my kiddies!
Member since 5/11 10413 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by mommy2be716
Posted by NYCGirl80
It sounds to me like you're the bad friend. She's drinking and doing drugs and you're not willing to talk to her about it? Sounds like she's struggling with something and could use a good friend. No, it's not something your child should be around. But perhaps you have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you're worried about these excessive, dangerous habits. See what her response is. If she doesn't want to change or get help, then you says that's fine, but not something you wish to be around (or your child). That's your "out." But just ignoring a friend who keeps reaching out to you? That's pretty rude IMO.
The drinking has been addressed numerous times to the point where it is no longer is brought up. She does not think it is a problem, nor does she plan on changing. It is not something I will waste time bringing up to her anymore. She is an angry drunk, and becomes completely unbearable to be around and says and does very uncomfortable things when she is drunk. She hears it constantly from her family so it is not something I feel is my place anymore. She made it clear many times that it is her life and insists that she doesn't drink in excess.
This, and your previous reply to another poster is new information. You made it sounds like you were just ghosting a friend - not someone you saw 2 weeks ago. If this is the case, I'd reply to her outreaches and let her know you feel uncomfortable around her given her recent behavior. Let her know you're there for her if she wants help, but in the meantime, you need your space. Period. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 2:37 PM |
| |
|
mommy2be716
LIF Adult
Member since 1/16 2921 total posts
Name:
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by NYCGirl80
Posted by mommy2be716
Posted by NYCGirl80
It sounds to me like you're the bad friend. She's drinking and doing drugs and you're not willing to talk to her about it? Sounds like she's struggling with something and could use a good friend. No, it's not something your child should be around. But perhaps you have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you're worried about these excessive, dangerous habits. See what her response is. If she doesn't want to change or get help, then you says that's fine, but not something you wish to be around (or your child). That's your "out." But just ignoring a friend who keeps reaching out to you? That's pretty rude IMO.
The drinking has been addressed numerous times to the point where it is no longer is brought up. She does not think it is a problem, nor does she plan on changing. It is not something I will waste time bringing up to her anymore. She is an angry drunk, and becomes completely unbearable to be around and says and does very uncomfortable things when she is drunk. She hears it constantly from her family so it is not something I feel is my place anymore. She made it clear many times that it is her life and insists that she doesn't drink in excess.
This, and your previous reply to another poster is new information. You made it sounds like you were just ghosting a friend - not someone you saw 2 weeks ago. If this is the case, I'd reply to her outreaches and let her know you feel uncomfortable around her given her recent behavior. Let her know you're there for her if she wants help, but in the meantime, you need your space. Period. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.
yeah sorry i left out alot of info in an effort to avoid a long post lol.. We avoided for awhile but then gave in and saw her 2 weeks ago because she wouldn't stop. After that night, we were like "omg we can't be around this person anymore".. which led me to this post!
|
| Posted 12/27/16 3:40 PM |
| |
|
jellybelly79
LIF Adult
Member since 5/06 3389 total posts
Name:
|
best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
I say next time she texts just say nicely that we are in different places in our lives, you wish her well but it would be better if we stop hanging out or texting"
I know It's easier said than done and it seems like you do care about hurting her feelings.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 3:45 PM |
| |
|
Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
|
Re: best excuses to avoid hanging out wih someone??
Posted by NYCGirl80
Posted by mommy2be716
Posted by NYCGirl80
It sounds to me like you're the bad friend. She's drinking and doing drugs and you're not willing to talk to her about it? Sounds like she's struggling with something and could use a good friend. No, it's not something your child should be around. But perhaps you have a heart-to-heart with her. Tell her you're worried about these excessive, dangerous habits. See what her response is. If she doesn't want to change or get help, then you says that's fine, but not something you wish to be around (or your child). That's your "out." But just ignoring a friend who keeps reaching out to you? That's pretty rude IMO.
The drinking has been addressed numerous times to the point where it is no longer is brought up. She does not think it is a problem, nor does she plan on changing. It is not something I will waste time bringing up to her anymore. She is an angry drunk, and becomes completely unbearable to be around and says and does very uncomfortable things when she is drunk. She hears it constantly from her family so it is not something I feel is my place anymore. She made it clear many times that it is her life and insists that she doesn't drink in excess.
This, and your previous reply to another poster is new information. You made it sounds like you were just ghosting a friend - not someone you saw 2 weeks ago. If this is the case, I'd reply to her outreaches and let her know you feel uncomfortable around her given her recent behavior. Let her know you're there for her if she wants help, but in the meantime, you need your space. Period. You can't help someone who doesn't want help.
I agree. Don't feel bad for a second telling her exactly why you won't be making plans with her anymore. NO WAY would I let someone like that around my kid.
|
| Posted 12/27/16 4:31 PM |
| |
|
| Pages: 1 [2] |
