Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Thanks so much!

Message edited 6/21/2016 10:45:21 AM.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

This is two fold for me. One, I have paid for the shower before with the bridesmaids bc of hardships of the family, or bc, like my one BF, both of her parents has passed away and the rest of her family, including siblings lived in Greece. Now as a best friend of these girls, I wanted them to have the shower they deserved. But these were my BEST FRIENDS. With that said, we didn't go plan the shower and tell everyone what they owed. For one, for instance, we decide on a budget for it we could afford and split the difference. For another, a lot of the bridesmaids were on a tighter budget so we had it at my home, all made a dish or two and then instead of splitting it equally, we split the tasks, someone did favors, someone did decor, etc.....no budget, whatever you could afford.

To plan a shower without including input without everyone involved in contributing and then just asking for $500 is BALLSY! Had it been handled the way the showers I mentioned above had been, different story.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

balls, definitely. rude, too.

unless you're part of the 1%, $500 is a lot to ask of people without giving them a heads up of what is coming down the pike.

like the pp said, this is something they should have discussed with everyone FIRST.

i hope they aren't going to pull this same stunt for a bachelorette party.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I threw an amazing bridal shower last month for my friend and was super conscious of everyone's budget. I hit a ton of bumps along the way, but I think i asked for $150 for each of the girls (there's 5 of us) There were 30 people in attendance. The person that is "in charge" should have included everyone every step of the way instead of just booking a venue and picking out invitations. It's completely rude.

I also don't think its right that you're factoring the couples age or that they purchased a home, etc. would it be better if the couple was young and didn't have a dime and was getting what seems to be a lavish affair to furnish a home they don't even have?

You can either speak up or pay and maybe get her a smaller gift. Or no gift at all. I think I was the only one in my friends BP that got her a gift. If the bride expects a gift in addition to people footing the bill for her shower, then shame on her.

Weddings suck. Being in a bridal party sucks. Showers suck and bachelorette parties are the worst when you're not the bride.

My condolences lol

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Well what do many people do and what is the correct etiquette are different things. The MOH and bridesmaids are supposed to host the shower. (Google Emily post etiquette and bridal shower....they was a list of traditional bride family expenses, groom, etc). But it says that these vary. I think often families do not want to burden the bridesmaids so they end up paying. I do know plenty of bridesmaids who paid for the showers. In those cases those they were included in the planning and were able to discuss the amount contributed.

While I get some might be expecting some contribution from the bridesmaids, I think it is very presumptions and rude to demand $500 with no prior discussion or even inquiry as to if the person can pay that much. To me $500 is more than a lot to ask a bridesmaid for especially one not close. you have to choices since it is family, suck it up and hope this is the last of it, or gracefully decline being in the wedding party.

Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I do not think it's ridiculous to contribute to a bridal shower, but I do think it's ridiculous to not be included in the planning. $500 is a lot of money. When I've had to pay, it's been $100-150 pp, which I found reasonable.

Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

As stated above, proper etiquette is that the bridal party pays. Most people don't seem to know or follow etiquette anymore. I'm thinking maybe the bps aren't paying is because it's all so expensive in NY. Other parts of the country have much more low key showers so it would be much easier to foot the bill.

They should have discussed budget with all involved though.

Message edited 6/21/2016 6:34:21 AM.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I think it's terribly rude

If the BP was to pay for the shower, you should have been told this from day one and kept in the loop the whole way through. Because it's your FSIL, and if you can afford it, I think you may have to just suck it up.

But I agree - it's definitely wrong.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Did you have to get a dress that matched everyone else's dress? I am still unsure that you have been included beyond asking for money. I do know that it is traditional for a bridal party to pay, but I've been in multiple bridal parties and the most I was ever asked to contribute was for the favors. That seems to be a common bp expense. I would have your brother talk to his brother. To have this sprung upon you without asking seems unfair.

Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

That's messed up. I have been in a bridal party and contributed towards the shower, however it was discussed and agreed prior. To flat out say I need $500 per girl for the shower plus a gift, um no, I know I certainly just don't have $500 laying around and would have sent a text back that I couldn't afford that!!! People and weddings lately are out of control!

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

What I find most strange is the lack of communication starting with the uncertainty of whether you are/not in the bridal party. Why no discussion about it? And why weren't you notified that you would be expected to pitch in for the shower? To find out after invites went out is bizarre.

I don't think it's strange to be asked to contribute to a shower as a member of a BP but $500 is a lot. I also don't think it should matter that the bride and groom have purchased a nice house, etc. I would call the sister and speak to her directly and discuss realistic expectations. As for a gift, if I paid $500 for a shower, I would probably just get a cheap gift...like lingerie or the "bride" underwear and tank.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I would call and say I can contribute but I wasn't included in the planning and since I had no idea I cannot do the 500 since it's not in the family budget. Period

Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

It isn't uncommon for the bridal party to pay for the shower but, you should have been included in the planning.

This happened to me once with a shower. It was a pretty simple shower and we each bought separate gifts. Then (this was years ago) the bride's sis/MOH suddenly needed $150 each. We had it at a hall that her MIL got for free, her mom bought the cake and there were just some sandwiches and people made salads. We were floored and annoyed.

ETA: It was years ago when money was tight.

Message edited 6/21/2016 8:06:27 AM.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I would be annoyed as well, $500 is a lot of money to give, especially when you are blindsided by it. I would do what the PP stated, send the organizer a text and state you're happy to contribute, but you weren't included in the planning, so you didn't budget for that amount.

Message edited 6/21/2016 8:09:19 AM.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I think it is wrong that you weren't included in the planning of the shower and were basically given a bill for your part of the cost.

I was a bridesmaid for my best friend growing up. Her sister was her MOH and the same thing happened -- I was told how much to contribute toward the cost without being asked for any input. And I was fresh out of college, so I didn't have a lot of disposable income.

The other time I was a bridesmaid, I can't remember what we did. That wedding cost me a lot from what I remember (gifts, travel, custom dresses, etc.), but I don't specifically remember paying for the shower. I think the bride's family covered that.

When I got married, my mom paid for my shower. However, we had a BBQ at a relative's house, so it wasn't too expensive. And other members of my family chipped in (it was more like a pot luck kind of thing). I only had one attendant, and she was out of work at the time and couldn't afford to do a lot. My mom WANTED to pay for the shower, so it wasn't a big deal.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

It's not unusual for the bridal party to pay for the shower. I've been in about 6 weddings and have contributed to all but 1 shower. HOWEVER, the fact that you weren't told beforehand that you guys would all be splitting the cost AND you weren't included at all in the planning of it and just told afterwards that you owe $500 is completely unacceptable and rude. And $500 per person?! So this shower is costing over $3,000 in total? That wouldn't fly with me. That's excessive to ask of the bridal party. The most I've ever been asked to contribute to a shower was around $250.

Considering the circumstances, I would probably suck it up and pay. But not before making it very clear to whomever sent the text that the way it was handled was in poor taste.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

I am MOH in a friends wedding were the bridal party was expected to pay but they knew this ahead of time. I discussed with everyone and we all agreed on a price which was $500. one BM thought that should just be for the party and we should still spend money on a gift. the rest of the party felt throwing her the party was the gift esp. if we all have to give $500.

so I said we will use the money just for the party (which may not even be enough) and that will be our gift to her and if any one wanted to buy and additional gift for her they can.

when the invites went out I put on it thrown with love by her bridal party. everyone has input to what we are doing since everyone is paying for it.

honestly everyone wasn't thrilled we had to pay for the party and no one in her family volunteered and $500 is a lot of money.

if this was me in your situation I would no way being pay that much if it was not discussed with me before hand and I had no input. I would probably give a $100 maybe $150 max and that's it and probably purchase a gift.

this happened to a friend of mine who was in the wedding. they gave a number without talking to her first she just gave what she wanted which was not what they asked.

Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Not strange to be asked to chip in, rude that she didn't include you and the amount is exorbitant.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Thanks ladies - you pretty much all responded with what I expected.

Message edited 6/21/2016 10:45:45 AM.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Wow!! People have some balls!!

While bridal parties are sometimes expected to contribute to the shower in this case, I'd tell her to eff off. You don't plan an entire shower, decide everything, send out invites and then hit up people for money. That is a bunch of cr@p! IF they expected the bridal party to pay it should've been discussed BEFORE a single plan was made and the decisions as to venue, budget, etc. should've been made as a GROUP. They did is completely backwards and it seems to me that they went overboard on this shower (because $500/ea is A LOT of money) and now don't want to pay for it so they are hitting up the bridal party for money to save themselves some cash.

In this case, I don't think you have ANY obligation to contribute towards the shower since you were not asked beforehand OR included in any of the planning. I wouldn't give a dime towards this shower, I think the whole way they went about it is rude, tactless, and inappropriate. People can be so selfish!

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Posted by Hofstra26

Wow!! People have some balls!!

While bridal parties are sometimes expected to contribute to the shower in this case, I'd tell her to eff off. You don't plan an entire shower, decide everything, send out invites and then hit up people for money. That is a bunch of cr@p! IF they expected the bridal party to pay it should've been discussed BEFORE a single plan was made and the decisions as to venue, budget, etc. should've been made as a GROUP. They did is completely backwards and it seems to me that they went overboard on this shower (because $500/ea is A LOT of money) and now don't want to pay for it so they are hitting up the bridal party for money to save themselves some cash.

In this case, I don't think you have ANY obligation to contribute towards the shower since you were not asked beforehand OR included in any of the planning. I wouldn't give a dime towards this shower, I think the whole way they went about it is rude, tactless, and inappropriate. People can be so selfish!

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

Posted by luvbuffet

Posted by Hofstra26

Wow!! People have some balls!!

While bridal parties are sometimes expected to contribute to the shower in this case, I'd tell her to eff off. You don't plan an entire shower, decide everything, send out invites and then hit up people for money. That is a bunch of cr@p! IF they expected the bridal party to pay it should've been discussed BEFORE a single plan was made and the decisions as to venue, budget, etc. should've been made as a GROUP. They did is completely backwards and it seems to me that they went overboard on this shower (because $500/ea is A LOT of money) and now don't want to pay for it so they are hitting up the bridal party for money to save themselves some cash.

In this case, I don't think you have ANY obligation to contribute towards the shower since you were not asked beforehand OR included in any of the planning. I wouldn't give a dime towards this shower, I think the whole way they went about it is rude, tactless, and inappropriate. People can be so selfish!

yup!

or you can think of the $500 contribution as paying a premium to not have to waste all the time and energy looking at venues, menus, invites, favors, and bouncing ideas back and forth with a bunch of opinionated women. to me that is worth every damn dollar.

Re: Is this incredibly strange or am I wrong?

BP footing the bill isn't the issue I think. You should have been involved in the planning and the budget so it doesn't get out of hand