Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Ok so I got married 2 years ago. My good friend who was a bridesmaid in my wedding is getting married in 2017. She's out of control with picking things that are so far over the top price wise that I'm having a hard time with this. For my wedding I called dresses as $175 and let the girls pick which style as some were cheaper and hair and make up capped at $125 for them. Everyone of my bridesmaids had different budgets so I was super concerned with that and kept that in mind. Now my good friend... I feel like I am in the queen of England's wedding. DH is also a groomsmen. So she texts us 3 weeks ago that she went and picked a bridesmaid dress, sent a picture and where to order. Beautiful dress- $475. She never told any of us (5 bridesmaids) that she was looking at dresses nor did she ask if that was something we could afford. She just texted us that hair and make up will be $295 and wants everyone to have an updo. I already ordered my dress and paid in full, and now hair and make up and I'm sure we will have to have the same shoes. I just find it crazy that she wouldn't individually text us and ask if we can even fit this in our budget?! I mean 3 of us are married, own homes, and one of us has 2 kids.
Yesterday she came to my house for a bbq and never mentioned any of this. Her sister got married last year and she has compared everything to her sisters wedding (her sister married a VERY wealthy guy) she and her future dh have good jobs he's a cop, works at a hospital as an assistant so they definitely do ok, but I think if the tables were turned that everything she is expecting of us $$ wise, she would have an issue with. Not to mention, she commented to me before when we were talking that I put on my order "extra size" she knows we are TTC and asked if I planned to be pregnant through her wedding, I told her idk (no one knows we are using fertility treatments) and then had the balls to say she hopes I'm not pregnant for her bachelorette party or wedding that she needs us all there and fully attentive and hopes I would plan around her wedding. Like who flipping says this?!? That really struck me but maybe because we have been ttc 18 months and have had a few issues. I am starting my first medicated cycle in 2 weeks and this just annoyed me.

Sorry this is so long, I am just venting. What do I even say to this?! Idk what I'm going to do if she keeps throwing cost after cost after cost to us. Dh wanted to match what they gave us for our wedding ($500) but said if this keeps up we will have to reevaluate. These are our very very very good friends, friends we have had since middle school, I love the, dearly but never thought she would pick things so costly, especially without saying "hey- this is what I'm thinking, can you afford this?" I just find it odd? Maybe it's the norm, I just know I ran anything by my bridesmaids that involved them spending money prior. And then the TTC comment. Well that just hurt

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

I could NEVER imagine expecting someone to buy a dress that cost that much. I know they are good friends, but I would have to re-evaluate at this point, especially if she "hopes" you aren't pregnant when she knows you are doing fertility treatments....Honestly I know you said she is a good friend, but I would re evaluate who your good friends are at this point :( A good friend wouldn't say something like that to you.

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

I'm sorry after all of the above I would have excused myself from the wedding the minute I was asked to spend $475 for a dress and $295 for hair and makeup is asinine. If none of the above hadn't made me walk the pregnancy comment would have been the final nail in the coffin. This isn't a true friend.

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

I get that they're really good friends, but if this were my best friend I would have no trouble saying, "Listen, this is way too costly for us." But that's the kind of relationship I have with her. I get that it's her day, but that's a lot of money, especially since both of you are in the wedding.

DH and I were 26 and 24 when we got married. Our bridesmaids/groomsmen ranged in age from 16-25. Most of us had just graduated college and were broke. Or were still in high school where our parents and my aunt and uncle would have to cover the cost. I couldn't imagine asking for that amount of money from any of them. But every bride is different. I think you need to be upfront with her and ask her what other financial obligations there may be. What if the bridal shower and bachelorette are another $2K?

Message edited 4/17/2016 7:28:30 PM.

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Well you already bought the dress and I'm assuming you still want to be in the wedding? I'd tell her that the hair and make up is too much and tell her you'll have it done by someone else or suggest someone cheaper. That ttc comment is just outright nasty- I'd try to put it out of my mind but if she says it again I'd tell her plainly it's her wedding not yours and you are going to live your life regardless of it. I hate that type of mindset, especially if she knows how long you've been trying. I'm sorry she's putting you in such a difficult position- some people just go crazy when wedding planning.

ETA: good luck on your first medicated cycle!!

Message edited 4/17/2016 7:37:45 PM.

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

I would have definitely bailed after I found out the cost of the dress but since you already paid for it, I would tell her you can't afford the price for the hair and makeup and will be going someplace else. At this point since you are spending so much already on everything I would definitely not match what they gave you for the wedding gift. As a close friend its also ****** up that she expects you to plan your conceiving schedule around her wedding. That right there would have made me back out.

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Wow! Never mind the expensive dress, hair and makeup. The pregnancy comment is rude and someone who is your true friend would not say something like that.

If you still want to be her bridesmaid I would not spend that type of money on hair and makeup. I would tell her the truth that you cannot afford it. Get your hair done by someone you know who is cheaper and do your own makeup if you can.

I hate brides who have this "my dad" attitude. I feel like as the bride its your job to make sure your bridesmaids are comfortable and are enjoying themselves.

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Wow! I would've bailed a long time ago. $500 on a dress that I didn't pick - no thanks! Who does that? I can't even comment on her pregnancy remark. Just a disgusting thing to say someone.. You're way nicer than me! Just be real with her and good luck.

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Oh hellz no! $770 to be in someone's wedding? And that's not even counting the shower gift, wedding gift, bachelorette party (which I assume she's chartering a yacht for and sailing around the south pacific).

She sounds like a jerk and I would seriously question being in this wedding.

Good luck on your first cycle. I hope you get pregnant, are due around this wedding and steal the b!tch's thunder!

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Yes, I think the costs are outrageous; however, I would probably, knowing myself, stay quiet about that.

The pregnancy comments, on the other hand, are unacceptable and would make me reconsider standing as a bridesmaid.

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

That was a mean comment about your potential pregnancy, but I think when a bride is planning her wedding she is not in her typical frame of mind. It seems she is trying to compete with her sister's wedding and not being practical. I have heard brides making comments before about pregnant bridesmaids, so I think it is unfortunately not that uncommon a concern. She just isn't in the "starting a family" frame of mind. I am sure once she is married and is TTC, she will realize how insensitive the remark she made was. It sounds like she isn't aware of your struggles. I suppose she is worrying about the pictures. However, what the bride forgets that no one really cares about the bridal party shots. Have you committed to/ bought the dress? If so, let it go. If you haven't committed to the updo &/or make-up, just tell her to save $, you will have it done in a salon prior or do it on your own. I think you can give a little less on the wedding/shower gift. Weddings are so expensive no matter how you look at it. I wouldn't jeopardize the friendship by making a big deal of the money.

BTW, I was like you and was very aware of the financial commitment of my wedding party. However, I am a pretty frugal person. If she isn't, she my not even realize how obnoxious she is being.

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Well you already have a dress, I would tell her you can't afford hair and make up and you'll get it done on your own.

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

She should be proud to have her friend waddle down the aisle with her big belly looking radiant! This is real-life, not a painting.
Forget the cost of everything, this comment is over the top! One day she'll realize how stupid she sounded. I wish a rash on her

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Weddings bring out the worst in people! Does your friend know that you are TTC and having problems? If she doesn't I would try not to let what she said bother you. She probably just means that she wants you to be able to drink and have a good time with her. If she does know I would call her out on that comment.

As for the costs, I would absolutely not pay that much for hair and make-up. I would just tell her flat out that after spending so much on the dress you will get your hair and make-up done elsewhere and then join them while they are getting theirs done. Also, to tell you that you have to get an up do is ridiculous. I look horrible with an up do and I would never get one for anyone! I didn't even have one for my own wedding!

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

The pregnancy comment shows that she is not a true friend. My due date with my 1st son was 2 days before my best friends wedding that I was the Moh for. I told her very early and said I expect that you want to choose a new one. Her response "no you are my MOH whether you are at the wedding or in the hospital giving birth . Of course I hope you are there but I wouldn't want anyone else as my MOH". That is a true friend. (I ended up going into labor 2 weeks early and was able to be at the wedding!)

Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

People get like this around the time of their weddings, and don't realize how crazy they are until after it's over unfortunately.. You've paid for the dress already, but do you HAVE to get your hair and makeup done by the same lady she's using? Why can't you go to a hair salon by your house and meet them there?

The pregnancy comment was just rude and insensitive, and it is clear that she really doesn't understand the situation. Maybe sit down and discuss with her what you're going through, and that the finances will be tight as a result of the fertility treatments. If you don't think she will understand, then just keep your distance as much as possible so you can focus on yourself (you need to try to stay stress-free), and when her bachelorette/shower/wedding happen, then let the attention be on her. While it sucks, she is going to be like this until her wedding is over lol

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

I am with others the price of the dress is insane and if I didn't already buy it I would have dropped out in a heart beat but the fact that its bought it would be really hard for me to just drop out.

however I would 100% say that I will not be spending that type of money on hair and make up and I would probably approach her about the rude comment about TTC (though this would probably result in me not being in the wedding because I can not be calm in these situations )

Also I would def. not be giving her a $500 wedding gift.

Re: Wwyd- re being a bridesmaid

I probably would have dropped out as soon as I heard how much she wanted us to spend for the dress and hair... crazy. Some brides are just so self centered.

ETA since at this point you feel like you can't back out then just let her know you can't spend that much on hair/makeup. You are probably going to incur a ton of other costs too such as bachelorette party and shower (if she is having bridesmaids pay for it) so I don't blame you if you give less at the wedding.

Message edited 4/18/2016 9:12:34 AM.