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MarathonKnitter
HAPPY
Member since 2/07 17374 total posts
Name:
EMBRACING CHANGE
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please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
SO's father passed away about 5 years ago. when he was sick, SO's mother also got sick. it was discovered that she had a brain tumor.
she's had had three operations and is not the person she used to be, but she is still cognitive.
soon after all her hospital stays, SO got all her paperwork and estate planning in order. there's a lovely binder in her room. she made sure to show it to me and explained her wishes to me.
last night, she very suddenly started to speak in ways that didn't make sense.
SO told me that this has happened before and it takes her about a day or two and she snaps out of it.
i told him that i believe it would be wise to have an attorney give her estate documents a once over just to make sure that nothing needs to be updated in any way. he pushed back! he was a bit rough with me. later he calmed down and started to come around, but still was not loving the idea.
being that i wasn't around when this was done, and i don't know all of CA estate laws, i thought it would be wise to double-check and make sure we're always going to honor her wishes.
WWYD?
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Posted 2/19/16 6:45 PM  |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
It is his mom. You are not married. I would trust that it was done correctly when she was previously lucid and MYOB. I am sorry, I do think you overstepped on this one. Your SO has a right to be upset, even if you meant it from a good place.
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| Posted 2/19/16 7:33 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by LSP2005
It is his mom. You are not married. I would trust that it was done correctly when she was previously lucid and MYOB. I am sorry, I do think you overstepped on this one. Your SO has a right to be upset, even if you meant it from a good place.
Yeah, I kind of have to agree. I think your heart was in the right place, but I completely agree with above poster.
Message edited 2/19/2016 7:44:37 PM.
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| Posted 2/19/16 7:44 PM |
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RainyDay
LIF Adult
Member since 6/15 3999 total posts
Name:
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please settle a small
You're heart was definitely in the right place but I would stay out of it.
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| Posted 2/19/16 8:12 PM |
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nferrandi
too excited for words
Member since 10/05 18538 total posts
Name:
Nicole
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by LSP2005
It is his mom. You are not married. I would trust that it was done correctly when she was previously lucid and MYOB. I am sorry, I do think you overstepped on this one. Your SO has a right to be upset, even if you meant it from a good place.
I think you overstepped as well. Especially after he told you that this has happened before and in a day or two she's better. I get where you're coming from, but it was insensitive timing.
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| Posted 2/19/16 8:16 PM |
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SecretlyTTC14
LIF Adult
Member since 12/13 1770 total posts
Name:
B
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by nferrandi
Posted by LSP2005
It is his mom. You are not married. I would trust that it was done correctly when she was previously lucid and MYOB. I am sorry, I do think you overstepped on this one. Your SO has a right to be upset, even if you meant it from a good place.
I think you overstepped as well. Especially after he told you that this has happened before and in a day or two she's better. I get where you're coming from, but it was insensitive timing.
I agree with all this. I know it's hard but I would try my best to stay out of it.
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| Posted 2/19/16 9:07 PM |
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pumpkinmom
LIF Adult
Member since 5/12 2912 total posts
Name:
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please settle a small
I'm not sure I understand - did they go to a lawyer before and are the documents they prepared in the binder? As long as they went to a lawyer, I wouldn't push them to go again unless she has changed her mind about something.
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| Posted 2/19/16 9:39 PM |
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jessnbrian
Only God knows His plan for us
Member since 4/13 7238 total posts
Name:
Jessica
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please settle a small
I happen to agree with the others. Personally? Yes I would pay to have it looked over because speaking from experience with my grandmothers passing last year, especially if there is any sort of estate in question, if the documents aren't 100% perfect you can end up having a long road figuring it all out.
That said, while you were coming from a place of concern, I don't think it is really your place to say anything.... Sorry!
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| Posted 2/19/16 9:41 PM |
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WonderLady
LIF Infant
Member since 1/15 355 total posts
Name:
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please settle a small
Estate docs get messed up all the time and the part about her having a spell of dementia or whatever really has no bearing on it. Either the atty did it right or didn't.
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| Posted 2/20/16 8:39 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
Name:
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
I disagree with others in the fact that ALL you did was make a suggestion. You are his SO and have his best interest in mind.
The reason he was an azzhat was not because you were budding in. It's because it's makes the death of his mother real. It has zero to do with the estate or thinking you are trying to butt in.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. And frankly he is
Lucky that someone said "hey maybe you should just check".
That's all you did. Suggest.
Going forward you should now myob. no one has any clue how flicking hard it is to settle an estate EVEN when it's all laid out. They will
Learn the hard way. He is lucky you love him and someone has the foresight to make these VERY hard suggestions.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. Going forward myob.
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| Posted 2/20/16 2:03 PM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by Paramount
I disagree with others in the fact that ALL you did was make a suggestion. You are his SO and have his best interest in mind.
The reason he was an azzhat was not because you were budding in. It's because it's makes the death of his mother real. It has zero to do with the estate or thinking you are trying to butt in.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. And frankly he is
Lucky that someone said "hey maybe you should just check".
That's all you did. Suggest.
Going forward you should now myob. no one has any clue how flicking hard it is to settle an estate EVEN when it's all laid out. They will
Learn the hard way. He is lucky you love him and someone has the foresight to make these VERY hard suggestions.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. Going forward myob.
the thing is it was already done. She is not lucid right now,, which would make anything done now an even worse decision. Could the original attorney have screwed up, yes. But doing anything rash in the heat of the moment is a surefire recipe for disaster. Could a review be necessary? Sure, but she is not married to him, and if your were an attorney you would already know that making changes post mental disorder is an absolute recipe for disaster when it comes to estate planning.
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| Posted 2/20/16 4:37 PM |
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Dolphinsbaby
My 3 little guys!
Member since 12/10 2943 total posts
Name:
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
I think your heart was in the right place. I'm going through something similar with my DH. His father is really not doing well (been in the hospital a month) and is getting worse. DH came home and told me pretty matter of factly that it doesn't look like his father will probably ever come home. Unfortunately I haven't been able to get to see him as I stay with our kids while DH goes. DH told me he wants to bring the kids to see him this weekend bc who knows how long he has.
I said OMG and asked has anyone even discussed with his dad his wishes. He basically almost ripped my head off and told me that would just send his dad over the edge and they will not talk about it. DH and I have been together 16 years (married 13), have 3 kids together and have been through a lot. I never expected that reaction from him. I'm not taking it personally, but I don't regret bringing it up. I would've always said to myself I should've mentioned it to him. Now that I did I will not bring it up again as he has made his feelings perfectly clear on the subject.
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| Posted 2/21/16 5:45 PM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
Name:
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by LSP2005
Posted by Paramount
I disagree with others in the fact that ALL you did was make a suggestion. You are his SO and have his best interest in mind.
The reason he was an azzhat was not because you were budding in. It's because it's makes the death of his mother real. It has zero to do with the estate or thinking you are trying to butt in.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. And frankly he is
Lucky that someone said "hey maybe you should just check".
That's all you did. Suggest.
Going forward you should now myob. no one has any clue how flicking hard it is to settle an estate EVEN when it's all laid out. They will
Learn the hard way. He is lucky you love him and someone has the foresight to make these VERY hard suggestions.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. Going forward myob.
the thing is it was already done. She is not lucid right now,, which would make anything done now an even worse decision. Could the original attorney have screwed up, yes. But doing anything rash in the heat of the moment is a surefire recipe for disaster. Could a review be necessary? Sure, but she is not married to him, and if your were an attorney you would already know that making changes post mental disorder is an absolute recipe for disaster when it comes to estate planning.
That is fair. However no one said anything about changes. Just making sure all the paperwork is in order so there are no surprises. All she did was suggest the papers get a once over, nothing more.
When my mother died her papers were sortof in order. Nothing crazy. But there was one account that is called a "transfer on death". The azzhats at Wells flucking Fargo had the original paperwork on file, but they never entered my moms beneficiaries into the computer.
It took me weeks, WEEKS, to get them to recognize the bennies because it just wasn't in the computer.
So no, she was not wrong to ask if the paperwork was in order. IMHO.
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| Posted 2/22/16 10:52 AM |
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LSP2005
Bunny kisses are so cute!
Member since 5/05 19461 total posts
Name:
L
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
She wanted to make sure nothing needs to be updated, which is not the same as a once over to make sure things were done properly the first time, I completely get your point, to make sure things are done properly, but the words op used were not the same. So in the heat of the moment,while her SO mom is having issues is the least helpful time to bring something like this up. I could see saying something a few days after the episode passed, but right then, no it smacks me as wrong and he would be completely justified in being angry.
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| Posted 2/22/16 11:43 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
Name:
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by LSP2005
She wanted to make sure nothing needs to be updated, which is not the same as a once over to make sure things were done properly the first time, I completely get your point, to make sure things are done properly, but the words op used were not the same. So in the heat of the moment,while her SO mom is having issues is the least helpful time to bring something like this up. I could see saying something a few days after the episode passed, but right then, no it smacks me as wrong and he would be completely justified in being angry.
Fair. We will agree to disagree. And I mean that very respectfully to you.
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| Posted 2/22/16 11:52 AM |
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MrsDrMatt
Live and RUN like a Ninja!
Member since 5/06 3104 total posts
Name:
MrsDrMatt
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
stay out of their business.. it will cause resentment and problems with the family.
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| Posted 2/22/16 11:57 AM |
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MarathonKnitter
HAPPY
Member since 2/07 17374 total posts
Name:
EMBRACING CHANGE
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
thank you for the honest replies.
i understand i might have overstepped. i just would hate for a single piece of paper to make things difficult at an already difficult time.
i've said my piece. SO knows my heart is in the right place, but as you've all said: she's not my mother and he is not my husband. i'm taking a step back.
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| Posted 2/22/16 12:58 PM |
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dctead
It's 5 o'clock somewhere!
Member since 11/10 2139 total posts
Name:
Emily
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Re: please settle a small "discussion"... elder family member related
Posted by Paramount
Posted by LSP2005
Posted by Paramount
I disagree with others in the fact that ALL you did was make a suggestion. You are his SO and have his best interest in mind.
The reason he was an azzhat was not because you were budding in. It's because it's makes the death of his mother real. It has zero to do with the estate or thinking you are trying to butt in.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. And frankly he is
Lucky that someone said "hey maybe you should just check".
That's all you did. Suggest.
Going forward you should now myob. no one has any clue how flicking hard it is to settle an estate EVEN when it's all laid out. They will
Learn the hard way. He is lucky you love him and someone has the foresight to make these VERY hard suggestions.
You did the right thing by bringing it up. Going forward myob.
the thing is it was already done. She is not lucid right now,, which would make anything done now an even worse decision. Could the original attorney have screwed up, yes. But doing anything rash in the heat of the moment is a surefire recipe for disaster. Could a review be necessary? Sure, but she is not married to him, and if your were an attorney you would already know that making changes post mental disorder is an absolute recipe for disaster when it comes to estate planning.
That is fair. However no one said anything about changes. Just making sure all the paperwork is in order so there are no surprises. All she did was suggest the papers get a once over, nothing more.
When my mother died her papers were sortof in order. Nothing crazy. But there was one account that is called a "transfer on death". The azzhats at Wells flucking Fargo had the original paperwork on file, but they never entered my moms beneficiaries into the computer.
It took me weeks, WEEKS, to get them to recognize the bennies because it just wasn't in the computer.
So no, she was not wrong to ask if the paperwork was in order. IMHO.
I completely agree.. I don't think you did anything wrong by making a suggestion.
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| Posted 2/22/16 1:00 PM |
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