Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

Im not sure where to post this but I am looking for some advice on how to handle this situation. My very best friend's mom was diagnosed with lymphoma last year, (shortly after she got married) and things are not looking good for her. I have never been in this situation before and I dont know what to do for my friend. I try to ask her how her mom is doing bc I am always thinking about her but sometimes I feel like maybe I shouldnt ask because it just upsets her or she doesnt want to talk about it or i am not saying the right things. I want to do something for her, to help her deal with all of this, but I dont know what I can do or say, other than that I am here for her if she needs anything.

I feel like a bit of a fumbling idiot.

Any advice is appreciated.

Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

I've lost my mom to cancer. Just be there for her. I wouldn't bring it up unless she brings it up to you. Let it be on her terms.

Distract her. Give her a release. Go for mani pedis. Just more than anything let her know that you're there whenever she needs you. It sucks.

Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

thank you and congrats on baby no 2!!
Im just afraid that if i dont ask her she will think i am oblivious or self centered

Message edited 6/4/2015 3:37:07 PM.

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

I just lost my mom to Stage IV lung cancer in April. It was devistating - heart breaking.

My advice is to just be available. Text her. Let her know you are thinking about her and that you are there to listen - even at 2am. She may not want to talk about it or she may. She may not respond to your texts. She may call you up crying at 730 in the morning. Her emotions will be ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I understand your friends heartbreak and I pray for her.

Hugs!!!!!

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

Ask her if there is something you can do for her - run an errand, cook a meal. Or take her out for a meal or coffee, or a mani-pedi.

I lost my mom 11 years ago, it was a tough 2 years dealing with her illness.

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

I didn't lose my mom to cancer but I did lose my brother. He had brain cancer and it was a very long road. What cancer does to the body & mind is, at times, atrocious. My brother was diagnosed at 27 and died at 31. It was at times, a horrific 4 yrs for all of us. There were happy moments, where we could smile, laugh and got just a while to forget what was happening.
I really don't remember what my friends and boyfriend at the time did to help. Sorry, that time was a blur for me. Where I can offer some advice is the "after" part. If God forbid, her mom passes there is a possibility that for a time being she is going to change. To be completely honest, I lost myself when my brother died. I was a mess in every aspect you could possibly imagine.
When you battle cancer hand in hand with someone that you love and they leave, you are left to deal with all of that trama, emotions and horror. You need to learn to live life in a whole new way. Its hard and you can stuggle along the way. So my point is no matter what she goes through, and at times it could be difficult, just stay her friend. I lost sll my friends they got tired of dealing with my struggle and to some extent I now understand . It was hard to have so much loss. So, if at times it becomes difficult to be her
friend and you question how much you can deal with, talk to her remind her of good times and just be there.

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

Ugh! Awful situation. I lost my mom to cancer. Honestly I really never discussed it with anyone but my sister and dad. It just really hard. Even now if someone mentions her, i get a lump in my throat. And its been almost 20 years!. Just be there. Let her guide you in what she feels like discussing or not. Damn

Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

I agree with the others, just be there, no need to call 5 x a day but stay in touch. Its ok to talk about your life and what is going just make sure you allow her to talk about whatever she wants and when she wants.

I would recommend not saying, call me if you need something but rather offer to help with an errand etc.

Ask her out for dinner, lunch breakfast, those little things helped me take my mind off things if only for an hour

I also want to say, its OK not to say anything

Message edited 6/4/2015 10:01:19 PM.

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

It is so difficult. You are a good friend for wanting to help support her and be there.

I think with a friend, sometimes it helps to be honest and just say -- "I am sorry you are going through this, and I want to be there for you. But I am afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. How can I help?"

Sometimes I think for fear of saying the wrong thing, or upsetting the person, people say nothing and don't bring it up. And that can be upsetting to someone, too, like you are ignoring their situation. But you also don't want to give overly optimistic platitudes or ask how her mom is constantly if your friend really doesn't want to talk about it.

So I would take the honest approach and just ask what she needs/how you can make her feel better at any given moment. Maybe say, "I'm here to talk about it or just listen to you anytime you need to, but if you don't feel like talking, we can go to the spa, out to dinner, the wine bar, the movies, etc. and have a little fun. Or I can watch your kids/make you dinners/clean your house/etc. Whatever you need!"

Message edited 6/5/2015 9:24:40 AM.

Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

Christine's well written answer is what I feel also.

Additionally, as someone who has gone through cancer treatments and who talks with others who have, I would like to add that asking someone how they feel "today" is important. If you simply ask people how they are doing, most will knee-jerk say fine, when in fact they are not. Difficult situations are day by day things with feelings changing all the time. Asking, how are you doing, today? will often get a more honest answer.

This applies to caregivers and family members like your friend who are under stress, as well as to people going through serious diseases, those nearing the end of their lives and those who have lost loved ones. Every day is different.

(((Hugs))) to you for caring. Stick with your friend and be there for her afterwards. A dear friend of mine lost her mother to cancer six weeks ago and is going through a rough time now, so I understand. Listen to your friend's tears, advise her though her low spots, offer distractions to lift her spirit if you can until the worst has passed, and most importantly, encourage her to get counseling or therapy if she needs it.

The hospital treating her mother probably provides some free family support during the illness and grief counseling afterwards. I brought another friend into Sloan Kettering, where her boyfriend died, for grief counseling a few years ago and it was enormously helpful. I had to look into it for her and make the appointment. She was in no shape to do it for herself, but was very grateful that I made the arrangements and brought her there for her first appointment. She went to subsequent ones on her own. They made a huge difference for her.

Message edited 6/5/2015 9:53:36 AM.

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

I think PP gave you a lot of great advice already. Little things like taking her out for a mani pedi or having a girls night will help to take her mind off of all the emotion and stress...even for just a little while. When my dad was sick with throat cancer I remember sometimes my mom and I would need those little breaks just to re-charge our emotions. I think your friend would really appreciate just getting out and taking her mind off it all. Same with just offering to help here and there - if she has kids maybe offer to take them out to the park for a few hours to give her a break or make a meal. I'm sure she's spending a lot of time at the hospital and at appointments, so a meal that she doesn't have to cook would probably be a huge help.

You're a wonderful friend for caring so much and wanting to make sure you support her in the right way during this time She might seem withdrawn during this time, but please know that it's no reflection on your friendship. I withdrew from just about everyone while my dad was sick...even though I needed them I just couldn't figure out how to socialize or even function. I truly appreciated those who gave me my space but were still there to support me when I finally came around!

Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

Like most of the previous posters, I too lost my mom to cancer 3 years ago.
I agree with what they have said. Just be there for her. Just listen. Don't bring it up unless she does.

When I was caring for mom, my brother was of no help to me and I had a newborn in the NICU. There were times that I would call my friend and just run my mouth. I did not need her to say anything, I did not need her to acknowledge me. Honestly, she could have put the phone down and walked away. But the thought that she was listening was all i needed.
I always felt so bad unloading on people. But I had so much bottled up inside that I needed people around me who would sometimes listen and not judge and not comment. Just listen.

Re: Helping a Friend whose Mom Has Cancer

My grandma is receiving hospice care now. It is so hard on my mom who is caring for her round the clock. I think the best thing you can do is just continue to offer your support.

If you want to do something I know for us a cooked meal is greatly appreicated because sometimes the days are so hard and the last thing you want to do is cook.