If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

....do you ever have feelings of envy/resentment towards their relationship with your children? And if so, how do you work through it?

My in laws are wonderful people and are so good to us. But, I lost my mom a year ago, and now can't help feeling envious of their interactions with DD. I feel horrible for even typing this, but I can't help feeling jealous, especially when my MIL is constantly saying to my daugher, "Grandma loves you SO much" and buying her presents weekly. I feel like my mom's presence is being completely erased and it pains me so much to know that my daughter will grow up thinking she only has one grandmother. I'm fearful DD will never know how much my mother loved her. How do you get past this?

(Edited for spelling)

Message edited 3/26/2015 11:25:48 AM.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I lost both my parents, my FIL is also passed away. But when I see my MIL with DS I sometimes feel incredible sadness. I just wish my baby had 4 grandparents like lots of his friends.
I show him pictures of my parents and say this is grandma __ and grandpa __ but he is still too young to get it (he's 2). I plan on talking about them often as he gets older and tell him stories ever. Though it will probably break my heart to talk about it.
It's ok to feel the way you do. It s**ks big time.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

DH lost his father when we were 16 to pancreatic cancer. His mother is not the warmest of people and has been living in Hong Kong since July of last year (DS's entire life). DH was embraced by my family so deeply and lovingly, and while I know it's not the same, he's very happy for this. DH has pictures of his father up all over the house, and he brings DS around (even at the age of 4 months) to "say hi to yeh yeh" (paternal grandpa). I know it sounds crazy, but DS recognizes him, and I KNOW he has visited him. I don't believe DH resents the relationship my family has with DS, I think he is grateful for it, honestly.

Everyone is different though, and I TRULY believe that it's different for men and their fathers versus women and their parents with their children, especially if they lost their mother.

Message edited 3/26/2015 11:32:36 AM.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I have not, so I don't have personal advice.

But, that's grief.

And it's normal. Don't feel bad and don't try and "contain" it. You feel the way you feel and it's completely understandable. When you suffer that kind of a loss it is life-changing. And it is so painful and difficult. Of course you are going to feel that way. I couldn't even imagine.

And I give you credit for having the strength to be so candid about the feelings that you are having. I think it's good that you are self-aware in that way. I think, for me, when I have been through other tragic circumstances, counseling has helped a ton. Maybe look into a good grief counselor and they can give you tips on how to cope with these feelings -- and how to properly vent and ALLOW yourself to feel the pain that you are going through. Because it's natural.

I'm so sorry

Message edited 3/26/2015 11:38:54 AM.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I thankfully still have both of my parents. But my parents are over 10 years older then most of my friends parents, and my in laws. So even though it's morbid, I do think about this. It scares me that my DS will grow up not knowing and having a relationship with both sets of grandparents. I can definitely see myself feeling exactly like you do when the time comes. huggy:

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

YES!!!!! And imo, totally normal. I lost my mom and dh has an estranged relationship with his mom, but his stepmom is in our lives. We haven't seen or spoken to his mom in well over a year, so she has no relationship to dd. his stepmom though does, refers to her as grandma. Sometimes I can't even bring myself to say grandma when referring to her. I def hold resentment.

As for dd and my dd on the way, I will absolutely make sure they have pictures of my mom and refer to her as grandma Tell stories, etc etc.

My mom lost her mom when she was only 13. I obviously never knew her, but I always knew of her.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

My DH had lost both his parents before DD was born, he lost his Mom at 17. Both of my parents are still alive.
I know he experiences envy but not resentment. Being that your grief is still new I would say it is perfectly normal though to feel both.
As for how to not feel like your Mom is being erased, keep pictures around, tell stories, give her something of your Mom's to have. I never even knew DH's parents but I make sure they are present in our home.

Message edited 3/26/2015 12:37:46 PM.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I make sure to tell my DD who is 4 about her "other grandma", my mother. I show her pics, she's asks where is she and I tell her she passed. She asks why, and how, and I tell her. I just always make sure to remind her of my mom here and there.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I feel resentment towards my parents who are deceased. They didn't take care of themselves so dd lost out on them because of their own actions. I do talk about them all the time though so she will know who they are.

I'm envious when I see my nephews or cousins kids interact with their grandparents because they are still here and spoil them. My dd will never know that.

Mil and FIL live oos and barely see her but I know they love her. When they do get to see each other I think it's awesome.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

Yes, I lost my father 9 years ago so neither of my sons ever met him. My FIL is very good to them but isn't as present as my mother is or as I know my father would be. I don't know how to describe it but I feel resentment not for the relationship they have with him but that I feel like he isn't as present as he could be. Ill sometimes think to myself that my father would have given anything to have met and been apart of my sons lives. My FIL lets months go by without seeing or speaking to them. We live ten minutes away.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I lost my mom before I had dd and I'm definitely sad some times when I think about how dd will never know her grand mother. Luckily for dds sake she has both of DHs parents, and they divorced when dh was a child so DHs stepmom is also like a grandma to dd. So she still has two "grandma" figures, as well as dh's grandma (DD's great grandma). I still wish she could have known my mom though. She saw a picture of her the other day and was asking who she was and didn't understand why she couldn't see her in person (she's only 2). :(

Eta: I realized I didn't really answer your question. I do feel like my mom would have been more involved in my dds life than my ILs are. I know they love her but they don't see her as often as I think my mom would have and they've never helped us with babysitting or anything like that. Neither DHs mom nor his stepmom were great moms to him so even though they love dd and love being grandmas, they're really not as involved in her life the way many grandparents are. My mom, on the other hand, was a great mom, very involved in my and my brother's lives and always tried to do the best she could for us, so I know she would have been a wonderful grandmother.

Message edited 3/26/2015 2:47:39 PM.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

GOD YES!

Hurts more when she called him grandpa. *sigh*

I see her with her grandmother (hubby's mom) and it makes me want to scream "DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE?!!"

She never visited AJ those first 3 months. So I moved with no guilt. My father who didn't live in NY made the effort to always see, talk to or ask about her. He'd call to see if she liked the summer, he'd ask for photos, he'd watch videos online. He was "THERE" more than she has ever been.

But when AJ called her husband (not my hubby's dad) grandpa, I died inside. But My father raised me to believe other people have pains we cannot see. To do a kind thing even if it causes you a little heartache can go miles and miles and not doing the kind thing does nothing for them or yourself. So I let her call him that.

But I watched her interact with AJ last month when I took her up (because I do try and its not like she is coming down - tho she came once) and she really did seem to enjoy AJ. Enough that I left her with her grandma alone while we went to see a movie and they both loved it.

I grew up military and didn't have my grandparents around when I was younger. My mother's dad was murdered before I was born. And all my grand parents were dead before I turned 30. I want my daughter to enjoy her older generation in a way I never did. She remembers my father, we talk about him and I always show her videos.

But yes.. It hurts. I think it always will.

I wish it was my father holding her hand.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I lost my dad when I was 15 and I have an almost 5 yo DS.

I don't have any resentment towards my in laws but that might be because they really are wonderful people - no issues, they respect boundaries, etc.

I talk about him all the time to DS (about to turn 5) and so he understands that he has two grandpas even though only one can be here with him.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

Yes. I lost my mom in 2009 before I was pregnant with the twins. I'm not sure if it's resentment or jealousy when I see my MIL with the kids. She is a wonderful woman and she is awesome it's them. But I found myself not wanting to go to her for anything when I have an issue with the kids. I didn't even want her at the hospital when my kids were born. Of course I didn't say that to her or DH and she was there when the kids were born but I wanted my mom there. DH talks about my mom with the kids, I still can't talk about her like that. The other day my DD was asking if grandma was daddy's mommy and I said yes. She asked who my mommy was and I had to walk out of the room and then change the subject. I've gotten much better with wanting to go to MIL for things regarding the kids but it's still always in the back of my head that my kids will never know my mother. Not sure if I will ever fully get past it.

Message edited 3/26/2015 6:01:44 PM.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

My mom passed away when my twins were 8 months old. She babysat 3 days a week and my MIL babysat the other 2 days. Now my MIL has all 5 days (and we have a third child). While I am so lucky, I constantly feel like this is not how it was supposed to be.

Completely sucks. My kids have a baby book (the waterproof kind you stick pictures in) and there's pictures of my mom in there and they know that grandma and they kiss the picture and say grandma (of course they don't remember her) but I think I might have told them once to give grandma (the picture) a kiss and now they associate it when they see a picture.

I'm sorry but I feel your pain

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I have no advice but I feel your pain and are there with you. I am so grateful that my children have a wonderful grandfather in their life but I do have internal jealousy. It doesn't ever effect my relationship with their grandfather but I wish my dad was able to be part of their life as well and do the things their grandpa gets to do with them. Sometimes watching them with their grandpa brings tears to my eyes....knowing that my dad never got to do those things as his life was ended way too early.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I don't resent my mother in law but yes it does hurt sometimes when I see my children with her. I know my mom would have loved them so much and they would have loved her too. I do talk about my mom to my daughter who is 4. I've even showed her my wedding video so she can see how alive and beautiful she was. She loves watching that video. My son is only 18 months but I plan to tell him all about her as well.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

my parents are estranged, we don't see them... so in a way I did grieve them.

my kids only know of one set of grandparents. I think in your case though at least when they are a little older you'll be able to show them pictures or video of them and they'll understand it more. I just at this point try and be thankful they have one set of grandparents. growing up I only visited one set out of state once a year, and only had one grandma locally.

Message edited 3/27/2015 12:55:30 AM.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I think what you are feeling is totally normal and I am so sorry for you. Keep her memory alive by telling stories, showing pictures, and reminding your child how much she loved her.

Not the same at all - but an example. My grandma died when my dd was 3.5. That was two years ago and my daughter still talks about things we did together, gifts she bought her, places we went because I keep reminding her. I'm amazed at how much the stories work to keep the memory alive. Hugs to you.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

Thank you for all of the responses. It's really helpful reading how others feel, whether the same as me or not. I also realizedresentment isn't the best word for my feelings - it's more envy/jealousy. But, I know it's up to me to really ensure DD always remembers my mom.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I can understand your feelings. My mom is not with us as well but both of DH parents are. And my dad too. IL’s recently moved to PA so now we don’t get to see them but we used to see them almost every Friday for dinner and it was nice that the boys got to see them so much. My dad lives a little further than they did, but he’s kind of random with visiting so sometimes I’d feel jealousy b/c I KNOW if my mom had been alive, they’d have visited a lot (or, at least a lot more than my dad on his own.)
I feel like I don’t make enough effort to make sure my boys know who my mom was. But DS#2 does point to her picture and say Nana (I always refer to her as Nanny like her mom was to my brother and cousin – she passed away before I was born) and I’m always amazed b/c it seems like he really “knows” her - gets a mile on his face – more so than DS#1 and I don’t think I was that much more into pointing her out or anything. Sometimes I wonder if maybe he “sees” her – well, I’d like to believe he does.
I think it’s totally natural to have these “jealous” feelings. I hate that my mom never got to meet these amazing little boys. I hate that she wasn’t there to help me or to tell my how my boys are/were like I was. I hate knowing how much she wanted grand-kids and never got to meet any.
My IL are great and I love them very much but it’s just hard sometimes. And I am so grateful that I have my dad and the boys have him - but I just wish she were here too.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

My mil just recently passed away. My parents are alive and wonderful grandparents.my kids love them.

I was very close to MIL and so were my boys. It makes me so sad that they lost that relationship with her. When i see them with my mom my heart breaks for them. Life is so unfair.

I have been looking through all my pictures of her on my computer and putting them in a separate folder. Im going to print them all out and make an album for my boys. This way we can look at them and talk about them so they dont forget her. She was an amazing grandma.

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

I lost my mom. I live OOS now and my inlaws moved with us (not in the same house, thank god). And i know how you feel. I think im more angry that my mom missed out on her grand children. It doesnt help that my mom absolutely loved children. She was also a nurse and i miss asking her for advice or her diagnoses lol. I dont know, all aspects of being with out a mom is just an incredible hurdle to overcome in life. I feel great pain and sadness alot of the time.

Re: If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

If you've lost a parent, but have in laws...

Message edited 3/30/2015 7:25:56 AM.