Just a vent

My mother can really make me feel terrible sometimes. Yesterday my brother turned 30, we had a big party on the beach, tons of people, it was a lot of fun. Except that my mother was on top of me the ENTIRE DAY about my boys. From the day I became a mom 3 years ago, she has always had little comments here & there, but never like yesterday. I left that party last night feeling so depleted. My oldest DS turned 3 last month, my younger DS is 14 months. Some of the things were not huge in the grand scheme of things, I guess. When dessert was served they had ice cream sundaes for the kids. My older DS hates anything chocolate, so when I saw her scooping chocolate ice cream for him, I told her to only give vanilla or else he wouldn't eat it. She turns to DS and says, "your mommy is so neurotic, she is going to turn you into such a pansy". WTF does that mean?? She told him I was a health freak. Umm, I don't think vanilla ice cream is any more nutritious than chocolate, he just doesn't like chocolate! SO ANNOYING.
Then, my younger DS fell asleep in his stroller around 1:00, which is his naptime. The party had just started, and my mother WOKE HIM UP so that she could show him off to extended family who we don't see all that often. Needless to say, he was a NIGHTMARE the rest of the party. But she was off socializing, DH & I were the ones dealing with the mess she created. She got annoyed at me when I asked her to not take off my son's Keens so that he wouldn't get splinters in his feet while playing on a playground that had wood chips- again called me neurotic.
I could go on and on, but what made me cry on the way home was the comment "I know you two are trying for a 3rd. Well, I don't think you should- you can't really handle the 2 you have now, each kid makes you more psycho than the last". Why thank you mother.
She typically is not all that bad, and my boys love her and I know she adores them. I am so laid back it's almost not normal, very little upsets me when it comes to my kids, I have on problems leaving them to go out on the weekends, I am not paranoid or on top of them at all. People's comments don't really ever get to me but I was just so ANGRY last night.
Thanks for letting me get that out...should I say something to my mother?

Re: Just a vent

I would have to say something. But try to keep it as light as possible. Just let her know that you were really hurt by her comments. I would guess that she didn't know that you were taking it to heart the way you did. And for the record, I would definitely have been as upset as you were.

Re: Just a vent

Re: Just a vent

Wow that's out of line! I would have said something like "well I handle just fine. YOU are the one who has seemed to have issues all day". I would definitely talk to her and tell her she needs to back off.

Re: Just a vent

Tell her you're aiming for higher than psycho and you'll have at least 6 kids. Sorry you're going through this!

Just a vent

You are upset that she is not respecting your parenting choices.... my mother did that to an extreme. ..

I personally would not let someone insult me in front of my children.

Re: Just a vent

I am so sorry. That is so hurtful. She sounds a lot like my mother. We all love our mothers and want their approval but sometimes we just have to let go and trust that we are the best mothers for our LOs. I am trying for a fourth and got the "you can't even handle the three you have" line. It was devastating. Meanwhile we have triplets and a child with special needs and complete strangers come up to me and tell me what a wonderful job I am doing. But I only get criticism from my own family. It sounds like you know your kids well and advocate for them. My guess is that like my mother, she has some deep seeded insecurities about her own mothering skills and it makes her feel better to point out your shortcomings. I am there and it sucks. But do not let her discourage you from having another. What I had to do is shut my mom out. The more I invited her into my life, the more criticism and hurt feelings I invited in. She needs to learn that her comments and actions have consequences. If she helps you - then get new help. Best decision ever.

Just a vent

Thank you so much ladies. I think I will bring it up when I see her tomorrow.

Re: Just a vent

good for you for keeping your cool. I would have told my mom to take a flying leap... but that is me

I think you should sit her down and tell her what she did and that if it continues you won't be able to spend as much time around her.

Goodluck!! You sound like a great mommy!!

Re: Just a vent

I would absolutely say something. But I don't know your relationship. I'm so angry for you. Definitely tell her to stop undermining you in front of your kids.

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Re: Just a vent

My parents are similar. Last week my father called me a kill joy when I told my mother she couldn't give my 3 yo dd the smallest doll in the Russian nesting doll thing. I told him that I am this child's mother and I decide what is safe and in the best interest of my child. He backed off after that.

They insult my parenting skills and choices all the time.

Just a vent

While they're not always doing it to hurt us or to question us, that's how we take it.

"Mom, when you say stuff like that, it makes me feel like you're questioning my parenting skills or my choices"

Mom can't argue with that statement. It's your feelings, your opinion, and you're spelling it out for her without calling her a name or directly insulting her. I say a lot of:
"this is what works for me, and I am making the best decisions I can, based on what I know. It may not be your style, but this is how I want to do things. I can't help but feel inferior when I'm around you- are you saying I'm not good enough?"

Man, that shuts up the comments (from both sides). Especially when they ask why my kids can't have xyz to eat I feel like throwing the line I got back in their faces: "I'm the mother, that's why"

Re: Just a vent

Thank you for all of the kind words ladies!!