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nycgirl
Angels!
Member since 3/09 7721 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I always make decisions of my life for myself.
Imagine you are alone (your husband dies or divorced you).
Would you want to have a child, or be without? Both have positives and negatives. Having a kid is life changing.
What you choose is very important... If you'd be unhappy without a kid or be unhappy tied down with one, lets you know what you really want.
If YOU really want a kid: for the experience, even... You need to do couples therapy with your husband.
You get one life. You make one set of decisions. There are plenty of people who decide they want or don't want kids... You just have to make the decision for yourself.
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Posted 7/1/13 2:24 PM  |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by Otherme
Posted by sadandconfused
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone
I don't mean to be harsh, but if these are the ONLY reasons you want kids, then i'd wonder why you don't just get a dog instead. Honestly. "Having kids" isn't an experience you have once, its a life changer. And as others have said, there's no guarantee you will not be old/alone anyway.
If you want kids for other reasons (to create your own family with DH, because you want to bring another life into this world and care for it, to have your life enriched by a child etc) then that's awesome, but you haven't mentioned any other reason than the above every time you've talked about it.
You should definitely continue talking it out with your therapist before doing anything.
And if your DH has changed his mind and doesn't want kids, you have more to work on with him beforehand anyway..
I said those are the things I'm thinking about now. I'm not calling it quits with DH right now just for those reasons alone. I just doubt myself on if they are valid in the first place, so I thought I'd ask some parents here for their opinion. And if DH said to me tomorrow, let's try for a baby, I would say no because after what's happened over the last 1 1/2 months I wouldn't feel comfortable.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts honestly. It's what I need.
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| Posted 7/1/13 2:32 PM |
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Otherme
Square head cutie pants
Member since 3/06 6899 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by sadandconfused
Posted by Otherme
Posted by sadandconfused
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone
I don't mean to be harsh, but if these are the ONLY reasons you want kids, then i'd wonder why you don't just get a dog instead. Honestly. "Having kids" isn't an experience you have once, its a life changer. And as others have said, there's no guarantee you will not be old/alone anyway.
If you want kids for other reasons (to create your own family with DH, because you want to bring another life into this world and care for it, to have your life enriched by a child etc) then that's awesome, but you haven't mentioned any other reason than the above every time you've talked about it.
You should definitely continue talking it out with your therapist before doing anything.
And if your DH has changed his mind and doesn't want kids, you have more to work on with him beforehand anyway..
I said those are the things I'm thinking about now. I'm not calling it quits with DH right now just for those reasons alone. I just doubt myself on if they are valid in the first place, so I thought I'd ask some parents here for their opinion. And if DH said to me tomorrow, let's try for a baby, I would say no because after what's happened over the last 1 1/2 months I wouldn't feel comfortable.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts honestly. It's what I need.
if they're thoughts that you're worried about, then they're valid 
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| Posted 7/1/13 2:41 PM |
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StarsStripes
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 1192 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by sadandconfused
Posted by nycgirl
Good that you are in therapy.
This is one of the most major life issues.
For me, it would be a deal breaker (I wanted children, husband or not).
Yes, it will only get harder to get pregnant as you get older.
Yes, it's not easy to be solo on raising kids. I do know people who have hubbies that didn't want kids and are now not involved as dads.
It's too personal!
I don't think I would want kids on my own (no offense to the ladies who would do that!) I also wouldn't have kids with DH (or anyone) who was doing it 'for me.' IMO, that could be a recipe for disaster. That's just me. Again, no offense to anyone.
But are these reasons for possibly wanting kids selfish ones?
- Fear of regret later in life that I didn't do it when its too late. I missed out on the experience.
- Not wanting to be old and alone
I do not think that your reasons for having kids are selfish. You say you don't want to be old and alone...expand that...what do you want? Do you want to be surrounded with kids and grandkids that you love and love you, as a whole family? That is not selfish, I think most people want that.
Also, fear of regret is very real and may very well happen to you if you chose not to have kids, then again it may not. I think it is good you are in therapy to sort your feelings out...good luck in whatever you decide
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| Posted 7/1/13 3:02 PM |
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hunnybunnyxoxo
this is what it's all about
Member since 11/07 3321 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
i would feel so blindsided by dh if he wanted kids prior to marriage and then changed his mind. i think i would resent him and that would eventually tear up our relationship.
not for nothing, a marriage is hard work and it may or may not last forever.
dh and i said from the beginning that divorce is NOT AN OPTION but as we reach our 6 year anniversary, we are hitting our rough patch and it is hard.
what if in 5, 10 years from now, you fall on hard times or your feelings change for eachother?
then you are out of a marriage and without kids.
we always knew we wanted kids but now that we have them, they are even better than we imagined.
prekids, i could see how the thought of having kids would be horrific. you hear these stories from other parents, you think of sleepless nights, endless diapers but it's not about that at all.
when you have your own kid, it just becomes a part of your life. it's not even a chore. you just do it. your love for your children overshadow everything.
at least that is how i feel.
my kids are my everything and i couldnt imagine life without them.
and i hear that all the time from parents and new moms how children change their lives forever.
it's amazing and i hate to think of anyone missing out on such a joy in life.
of course this joy comes with a price tag, kids are expensive and of course it alters your relationship from time to time with dh, but i wouldn't have any other way.
i am so sorry you are going through this. i hope you find your answers.
good luck!!  
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| Posted 7/1/13 3:37 PM |
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hunnybunnyxoxo
this is what it's all about
Member since 11/07 3321 total posts
Name:
Lisa
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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
sorry, to answer your question, i dont think they are selfish reasons at all!
i love the idea of a big family and everyone getting together. i also agree with Marisak that i want my kids to want to include me b.c they want me around not bc they feel guilted into inviting me.
my mom is 56, single, overweight, has a bum knee, no car and completely isolates herself. no real friends and no family with the exception of one cousin and one aunt that she speaks to. guess what, it all falls on her kids to bring her places and do things b,c she doesnt have anything or anyone but her 2 kids.
it does feel burdensome. i wish she did things. I wish she would go out and meet people and make a life for herself. instead, she spends her days and nights home.
so, i do think it is important to have your own interests and have the chutzpah to do things on your own.
but it is not selfish to want those things you mentioned.
family makes your life full.
why do i race home from work every night? to be with my family. to sit at the dinner table with my family.
to tuck my kids in bed and lay with them till they fall asleep.
to have pizza night on a blanket in the livingroom and watch a movie. to build a fort on a snowy night and make smores in the microwave.
these memories are everything to me.my life will be full when my children are grown and leave the nest.
Message edited 7/1/2013 3:59:32 PM.
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| Posted 7/1/13 3:54 PM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by hunnybunnyxoxo
i would feel so blindsided by dh if he wanted kids prior to marriage and then changed his mind. i think i would resent him and that would eventually tear up our relationship.
not for nothing, a marriage is hard work and it may or may not last forever.
dh and i said from the beginning that divorce is NOT AN OPTION but as we reach our 6 year anniversary, we are hitting our rough patch and it is hard.
what if in 5, 10 years from now, you fall on hard times or your feelings change for eachother?
then you are out of a marriage and without kids.
we always knew we wanted kids but now that we have them, they are even better than we imagined.
prekids, i could see how the thought of having kids would be horrific. you hear these stories from other parents, you think of sleepless nights, endless diapers but it's not about that at all.
when you have your own kid, it just becomes a part of your life. it's not even a chore. you just do it. your love for your children overshadow everything.
at least that is how i feel.
my kids are my everything and i couldnt imagine life without them.
and i hear that all the time from parents and new moms how children change their lives forever.
it's amazing and i hate to think of anyone missing out on such a joy in life.
of course this joy comes with a price tag, kids are expensive and of course it alters your relationship from time to time with dh, but i wouldn't have any other way.
i am so sorry you are going through this. i hope you find your answers.
good luck!!
You raise a great point (a lot of you lovely ladies have) about falling on hard times. Like you, DH and I went into this with the mentality of divorce is not an option. We met at 16 and have been in love the whole way through. We don't know anything else. We grew up together somewhat and were on the same page. One friend once told me, and I quote "the only reason why I believe in marriage is because of you and DH."
I think blind-sighted is a good word too. He had SO many opportunities to tell me (apparently he made this decision in the last 6 months or so) and didn't. I found out our first night in our new apartment - a two bedroom. And I had specifically said I wanted a two bedroom so 'we could have more space and so if we decided to have kids we wouldn't have to move again.' Now I know the word IF is there, but still...GREAT opportunity to speak up!!!
Hitting a rough patch is hard, this situation aside, we've had ours too. And came out of it better than ever.
The irony of it all, for me, is that even though I have told DH how I feel, I don't think it has fully registered. No matter how many times I tell him, it doesn't seem to click. My therapist says a lot of men are 'compartamentalized.' Meaning, here's a problem, talked about, let's put it away.
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| Posted 7/1/13 5:04 PM |
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lululu
LIF Adult
Member since 7/05 9511 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by sadandconfused
Oh and here's the other thing that bugs me...DH loves me and wants to be with me and doesn't want to lose me, but by saying he'd step aside if I wanted kids makes me think this:
'I love you, but I like the idea of NOT having kids more.'
Maybe I'm crazy.
I don't think you should look at it like that at all. I tink that he is trying to say that your happiness is more important than his and he doesn't want you to make a decision that you will regret later. I think it's very selfless of him. He could easily keep pushing this off until it IS too late for you to find someone else.
I am not going to lie and say that if you get a divorce it will be easy to move on and find someone, fall in love and get pregnant. I think you need to figure out if you definitely want to have a child. If you do, then you have to decide if that desire is stronger than your desire to stay with your husband.
It doesn't sound like you have this overwhelming maternal instinct about having a child. More that you are scared about how your life will turn out if you don't have a child. Until I had children I never really understood being able to come to terms with life without children, but now I think I can see it. I believe you can have a totally complete, full, wonderful life never having children.
I think that you should use therapy to determine if you really want children as well and if you do then I think you owe it to yourself to pursue that. You never know, maybe if you give your husband the option to wait 3 or 4 more years he will be more willing to consider it.
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| Posted 7/1/13 5:59 PM |
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w8andsee
LIF Adult
Member since 10/09 1193 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I was in a similar situation, but I was not married. I never had the “I need to have kids feeling”, but I definitely didn’t want him making that choice for me. I knew I would resent him for taking away my choice on having kids.
I would have rather been single with no children for the rest of my life than stayed in a relationship with him knowing we could never have kids because he said so.
We ended up parting ways after 8 years.
I did meet someone else. He knew the reasons as to why my relationship ended and before we got married he asked me, what if we are unable to have children? Will you leave? I explained that if we can’t have kids because of infertility it’s different than telling someone you can’t even try to.
We did end up having fertility issues, but that’s a whole other story.
Sorry you are going through this. I was lucky enough not to be married so the break was easier.
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| Posted 7/1/13 7:13 PM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
OP, I sent you FM on this topic..but here is a post on UB which asks the same thing. I think the answers there are telling:
http://www.urbanbaby.com/topics/55139301
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| Posted 8/12/13 3:27 PM |
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Ayne11
Yep
Member since 1/09 18021 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
This forum is so over the top snobby. I don't even believe what I'm reading sometimes. I think I posted about this forum months ago about these women. I'm like this  most of the time. LOL
Message edited 8/12/2013 4:45:22 PM.
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| Posted 8/12/13 4:44 PM |
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Millie3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/13 1280 total posts
Name:
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
No not selfish at all. It doesn't matter what your reasons for wanting children are. If your DH is not on board you have to make a decision now. The bad thing is that a guy can wait until he is 40, 45, 50 to start having kids. We ladies have a time limit. It's interesting that he says he will step aside, I hate to ask this question but you also said he is a workaholic. Is he out a lot? Could he be seeing someone else? The workaholic comment , the sudden changing of his mind, and the stepping aside comment are red flags IMO
I've seen women that wasted YEARS with men, to become middle aged , no children. And the men that wasted this time are married with kids. That would be even worse then staying with DH and resenting him.
Don't let him have your best years if he is not willing to start a family.
Message edited 8/12/2013 6:54:05 PM.
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| Posted 8/12/13 6:49 PM |
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Millie3
LIF Adult
Member since 7/13 1280 total posts
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Posted by Ayne11
This forum is so over the top snobby. I don't even believe what I'm reading sometimes. I think I posted about this forum months ago about these women. I'm like this most of the time. LOL
I'm always reading urbanbaby, but they are some nasty ladies!
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| Posted 8/12/13 6:56 PM |
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Aries14
Can't plan life...
Member since 8/08 2860 total posts
Name:
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Is this selfish of me - please be honest
Not selfish at all. And if I could give any bit of advice I would say that of the people that I know that dont or didnt have children - only the ones that were 100% sure that it wasnt for them are the happy ones and dont regret it
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| Posted 8/13/13 10:52 AM |
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Re: Is this selfish of me - please be honest
I responded a bit in your other thread too, but even if you guys do end up working things out, and having a child, what stands out to me is that you are already unhappy with him for a variety of reasons.
Also from what you wrote about, he does not sound like the type of person who is going to drop everything to be with his kid.
I only have DS and thank goodness DH and he are best friends and do everything together.
I can't imagine having the bulk of the work fall on me all of the time.
This is JMO, but from the SAHMs I see around me, many of them seem really unhappy in the arrangement, and almost resentful of it since they never get a break (Note: they also have husbands who seem similar in mentality to yours). I think you said upthread that this may be your arrangement if you do have kids.
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| Posted 8/13/13 7:04 PM |
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