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Katareen
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Katherine
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by MarisaK
I have to play devil's advocate - for those saying "how could you?" and "I would never even THINK to bring that up it's my neice/nephew" or "her brother may be offended or put off" ......really?
Did you consider how their selfishness and lack of planning for their own children will affect YOURS (THEIR neices and nephews?)
I'm a practical person - I'm not one of those "everything will work itself out" people PARTICULARLY when it comes to things I can plan for, and control and do something about
I would NEVER EVER ask my sister to take on 2 additional children without significant financial support for those children - It would be a difficlut enough adjustment for her family, and my neice (and any other kids she may have) WHY would I be so selfish to make that adjustment more difficult of them, and my own boys, when there's something I could (and SHOULD) do to make that transition easier for everyone instead of 100X MORE difficult - I wouldn't even ask/expect my parents to do that ! To ME, you're doing me this amazing, huge favor by raising my kids if I am god forbid, gone - how selfish could I possibly be to not do everything in my power now, while I am here to be sure I could HELP you in any way? To continue to do something for my kids if I'm gone -
How could you be ok with the idea of putting a burden like that on someone you love? or their children? On your own children?
And even on your own spouse? I just do not undersatnd how someome with significant financial responsibilities could NOT have a Life Insurance policy !! - you're going to leave your spouse and kids with NOTHING? Even if you don't have kids - you have a mortgage, bills etc etc - You're going to leave your spouse w/ all of that added stress and misery if something happens to you?
totally irresponsible -
and I realize many people live for the day ......but sorry, if you want me to care for your children if you're gone, it better damn well not be at the expense of EVERYONE in the family !
Very well said!
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Posted 4/29/13 2:13 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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AllyMally
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Member since 1/13 881 total posts
Name:
Alyson
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by LadyBug1209
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
 It never even crossed my mind to ask about life insurance or money. If, God forbid, my sister and brother in law ever passed we would NEVER hesitate to bring the kids into our home. They are my blood, my family. Would we go to Disney or be able to send them all to private university no, but so what. You MAKE it work. It's no longer about you and the life YOU wanted, but about your kids ALL of your kids and doing the best you can.
We have guardians for our kids as well and we both have rather large LI policies as well. We brought it up when we asked my brother and he was appalled we would talk about money with him in that senerio.
I think, based on the OP, it was more the way they asked that was the issue. For us, it wasn't an in passing comment, but a night we sat and talked about it all and made a group decision about it. There was a lot to talk about besides money.
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| Posted 4/29/13 2:22 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I appreciate the other opinions on this, but I'm not going to lie, I really don't understand them. It seems WILDLY irresponsible to me to not discuss how these children will be provided for.
Message edited 4/29/2013 2:25:38 PM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 2:25 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
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WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
I appreciate the other opinions on this, but I'm not going to lie, I really don't understand them. It seems WILDLY irresponsible to me to not discuss how these children will be provided for.
WORD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted 4/29/13 2:27 PM |
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mommyof3girls
LIF Adult
Member since 5/12 2773 total posts
Name:
Sue
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
I appreciate the other opinions on this, but I'm not going to lie, I really don't understand them. It seems WILDLY irresponsible to me to not discuss how these children will be provided for.
I totally agree. I honestly don't have anything in writing and it never crossed my mind until this post. However we both have high LI in place.
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| Posted 4/29/13 2:38 PM |
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OffWithHerHead23
Keep passing the open windows
Member since 10/06 3627 total posts
Name:
Meaghan
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Quite the dilemma
I haven't read all the posts here, but I'm going to answer anyway.
DH and I barely make ends meet. We are extremely frugal, but don't make much money, and there are bills that don't get paid each month. It is what it is. However, the life insurance ALWAYS gets paid. Even if the mortgage is late or we get the phones turned off or whatever, the life insurance ALWAYS gets paid. The only person in either family emotionally equipped to take on our children is my sister... If, God forbid, anything happens to DH and me, she will be ABLE to take care of my children and her child with no problems.
We told my sister about all the life insurance when we asked her to be the guardian, but in my opinion, that's a perfectly valid question for her to ask! I think the OP is being 100% responsible and realistic! It doesn't mean the OP loves her nieces/nephews any less... it means she wants to make sure she can financially take care of them!
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| Posted 4/29/13 3:49 PM |
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Pray4Baby2010
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Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
Name:
MB
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I'm really glad that you posted this- plan on sharing with DH. We are guardians for his sister's 2 kids and they do not have life insurance and I think its time that we talk to SIL about it. I love her kids and would welcome them open arms in any situation- emergency or if they ever needed us...
But we live in a 2 bedroom coop and will have 2 kids of our own soon and it would be irresponsible of us not to plan for the worst and be able to provide for the kids if god forbid something happened.
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| Posted 4/29/13 4:09 PM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Quite the dilemma
This really sums up my thoughts on this subject perfectly: It just isn't about loving your nephews or nieces less, or hesitating to take them in. It's about being prepared. If you are going to be prepared enough to designate someone to care for your children, then be prepared enough to have some financial security in place for that person and your children. I would take my nephew any day any time no questions asked, but NOW is the time to ask the questions and get everything straightened out!
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| Posted 4/29/13 4:22 PM |
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MCD0524
LIF Adult
Member since 4/10 1199 total posts
Name:
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Quite the dilemma
When we decided to leave my DS to my Sister I told her where all the paperwork was and also exactlly how much DH and I have in life insurance policies. The first words out of her mouth were "I would handle his finances don't worry". While I think that is GREAT, she is not a Mom yet and doesn't know the amount of $ it costs on just a regular trip to Babies R Us nevermind school supplies, sports activities, prom, cars, college, weddings etc. I didn't have a policy until I put my will in place. I was negligiant but because I really hadn't thought about it. My lawyer asked about life insurance with me and went over how much we should both have for DS's future in the case something happened. Is it possible she just didn't think about that yet? I assume most lawyers bring it up during the discussion of the paperwork. Once we set everything up my DH went over all different stuff with my sister down to his 68 mustang and where he plans to have it garaged until my DS is old enough to drive....My opinion is to bring it up because maybe they haven't thought about that side.
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| Posted 4/29/13 4:58 PM |
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itsbabytime
LIF Adult
Member since 11/05 9644 total posts
Name:
Me
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Honestly, while I do see where you are coming from - the tone of your post (which I may be misreading) and even you posting about it at all really seems like this is not the situation for you and I think you need to talk about that with your BIL and SIL in all fairness to their children. It seems like your primary concern in this situation is how it will impact your family and not what the implications would be of this rare and freak and tragic situation occuring would be (your niece and nephew will be left orphans). You mention more than the money - for instance, your Co-op not being big enough. So, then, for you to be happy your SIL would have to leave you enough money to buy a house big enough for you to feel your children are not being slighted  I don't think anyone is saying that there aren't financial implications here that need to be thought out - I think it's just that your overall tone is that you don't want this responsibility and are more concerned with how it will impact your life than the fact that IF this happens - your DH's sister AND her husband will be DEAD and your niece and nephew will be without a family 
Message edited 4/29/2013 5:03:57 PM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 5:02 PM |
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DiamondGirl
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Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
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DiamondMama
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by itsbabytime
Honestly, while I do see where you are coming from - the tone of your post (which I may be misreading) and even you posting about it at all really seems like this is not the situation for you and I think you need to talk about that with your BIL and SIL in all fairness to their children. It seems like your primary concern in this situation is how it will impact your family and not what the implications would be of this rare and freak and tragic situation occuring would be (your niece and nephew will be left orphans). You mention more than the money - for instance, your Co-op not being big enough. So, then, for you to be happy your SIL would have to leave you enough money to buy a house big enough for you to feel your children are not being slighted I don't think anyone is saying that there aren't financial implications here that need to be thought out - I think it's just that your overall tone is that you don't want this responsibility and are more concerned with how it will impact your life than the fact that IF this happens - your DH's sister AND her husband will be DEAD and your niece and nephew will be without a family
I disagree, she says that she loves her niece and nephew and would take them without question but feels that her SIL and BIL are being irresponsible in not having a life insurance policy if god forbid they died.
What is wrong with that? why shouldn't parents be expected to plan for their children being financially secure if god forbid the unthinkable happened?
I would without hesitation take my nephew in, that said if my brother approached with me this and did not have a life insurance policy I would tell him he should get one, no one wants to think about the worst but it is something we CAN prepare and plan for and as a parent I feel it is my responsibility to my son to make sure he is cared for if god forbid we both died.
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| Posted 4/29/13 5:35 PM |
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Peainapod
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Member since 1/09 13591 total posts
Name:
Diana
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Re: Quite the dilemma
this is something they should have discussed with you beforehand.
DH and I asked my brother to be guardian should anything happen to both of us. We have life insurance policies, and DS has a 529 so at least his education is being saved for.
We discussed it with him..we didnt INFORM him. Because if he had any reservations, we would understand and find someone else.
They should look into taking out life insurance for themselves; its pretty affordable.
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| Posted 4/29/13 7:23 PM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by itsbabytime
Honestly, while I do see where you are coming from - the tone of your post (which I may be misreading) and even you posting about it at all really seems like this is not the situation for you and I think you need to talk about that with your BIL and SIL in all fairness to their children. It seems like your primary concern in this situation is how it will impact your family and not what the implications would be of this rare and freak and tragic situation occuring would be (your niece and nephew will be left orphans). You mention more than the money - for instance, your Co-op not being big enough. So, then, for you to be happy your SIL would have to leave you enough money to buy a house big enough for you to feel your children are not being slighted I don't think anyone is saying that there aren't financial implications here that need to be thought out - I think it's just that your overall tone is that you don't want this responsibility and are more concerned with how it will impact your life than the fact that IF this happens - your DH's sister AND her husband will be DEAD and your niece and nephew will be without a family
I ask that you please reread EVERYTHING I wrote bc you are off base.
Deleted the rest I just wrote here bc it is redundant and I think I was pretty clear on my points throughout this thread so you can think what you want, you are wrong.
Message edited 4/29/2013 8:09:34 PM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 7:50 PM |
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by forevermylilgirls
Posted by LadyBug1209
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
Agree with you ladies.
I agree as well.
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| Posted 4/29/13 8:44 PM |
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Goobster
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Member since 5/07 27557 total posts
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:)
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Re: Quite the dilemma
The reality is horrible things do happen. This CAN happen and if someone wants someone else to commit to caring for their children, they NEED to plan ahead for THEIR children to be WELL taken care of by SOMEONE else who agrees to take care of them. I don't think that means you don't love them, it means you are REALISTIC about what could happen should something awful occur. Why should your own children be denied college, etc, b/c you have 4 mouths to feed, clothe, etc? If your own money were endless and you were Daddy Warbucks, I would question your stance but since you are not made of money, the reality is agreeing to this and it actually possibly happening can break you and your family (which is your ULTIMATE priority).
So I won't judge your thoughts or concerns at all. The reality is agreeing to something like this, struggling financially then, can put you or your DH in such extreme stress that it can actually harm your health. I am sure if your money was endless, maybe you would have 6 kids, but since it's not, you don't. And therefore if someone else wants their children's future protected by a guardian, they should be preparing for that.
Message edited 4/29/2013 9:36:12 PM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 9:33 PM |
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StarsStripes
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 1192 total posts
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Quite the dilemma
The interesting thing here is, I would not consider giving my children to my sister because they are so financialyl unstable. I think it is irrespobsible of your SIL/Brother to not see the bigger picture. OF COURSE you would love them and make it work, but while alive, we should always think about the well being of our children and their future.
Message edited 4/29/2013 9:35:03 PM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 9:34 PM |
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2BadSoSad
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Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I just feel like, RIGHT NOW, in the here and NOW, Everyone is alive and well, no one is an orphan so now IS the time to think of these things and get all your ducks in a row. As my BIL and SIL are alive RIGHT NOW, they are responsible for the future of their children RIGHT NOW. I can think of it RIGHT NOW bc we have the luxury and blessing too, bc everyone is here and safely in their homes right now.
Additionally, RIGHT NOW, my children are my ONLY priority so of course my concern is how this would effect their lives, why and how could I NOT think of or consider my own children?
Message edited 4/29/2013 10:46:42 PM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 9:45 PM |
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StarsStripes
LIF Adult
Member since 12/12 1192 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
I just feel like, RIGT NOW, in the here and NOW. Everyone is alive and well, no one is an orphan so now IS the time to think of these things and get all your ducks in a row. As my BIL and SIL are alive RIGHT NOW, they are responsible for the future of their children RIGHT NOW. I can think of it RIGHT NOW bc we have the luxury and blessing too, bc everyone is here and safely in their homes right now.
I totally agree with you
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:20 PM |
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MAC222
LIF Adult
Member since 12/08 3860 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I read your OP twice. There is something in how it is worded that comes off the wrong way. I think that may be why a few posters are surprised by some of the responses, etc.
Sadly, they may not know everything they need to do in terms of lining things up for their children. This is something that a lot of people don't even speak about, because they think it isn't going to happen to them. She may have said it in passing to you just to show you how much she trusts you, appreciates you, or even what a great mother you are. How old are the kids? I assume if you know there is no policy, then you guys have spoke about it? How do you know?
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| Posted 4/30/13 7:23 AM |
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DiamondGirl
You are my I love you
Member since 7/09 18802 total posts
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DiamondMama
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by StarsStripes
The interesting thing here is, I would not consider giving my children to my sister because they are so financialyl unstable. I think it is irrespobsible of your SIL/Brother to not see the bigger picture. OF COURSE you would love them and make it work, but while alive, we should always think about the well being of our children and their future.
EXACTLY! I would not want my son to be left to have to struggle when I am in a position where I can make sure he (finances wise) can have a very comfortable life. The tradegy of losing both his parents would be enough to endure without having to have himnot have a the security of inheriting a life insurance policy. Why would I want to burden him any further?
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| Posted 4/30/13 10:12 AM |
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Pomegranate5
LIF Adult
Member since 2/11 4798 total posts
Name:
Pomegranate5
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Re: Quite the dilemma
First, I would never just inform someone that they would be caring for the my kids of I die. That's something you ASK, due to the HUGE responsibility it involves, IMO.
Second, I would NEVER leave my child without a secure financial future. She is my life and my priority and even if DH and I die I still view it as MY job to care for her until she is an adult. Her guardians are there to love and support her. But it's still my job to consider the financial aspect of her life. There are too many "what ifs" to just have faith it will all work out.
Not planning ahead even just a little bit for your kids, and leaving them to someone who currently does not have the means to support them without a serious struggle is SELFISH. That's a terrible thing to do to your kids, IMO.
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| Posted 4/30/13 10:27 AM |
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JandJ1224
Member since 6/06 5911 total posts
Name:
Jannette
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Re: Quite the dilemma
You would get social security every month which would help cover the costs to raise them. If it were my sister I would suggest life insurance.
For me god forbid something tragic happened I would take my neices in a heartbeat with no questions asked. The money could figure it self out.
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| Posted 4/30/13 10:27 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Pomegranate5
First, I would never just inform someone that they would be caring for the my kids of I die. That's something you ASK, due to the HUGE responsibility it involves, IMO.
I think this is the crux of the reason that people felt my initial post come off the way it did. I think I was/am a little pissed that we were just "informed" we would be getting the kids. And yes, I think its incredibly irresponsible to put us into financial ruin one day, where my children who, RIGHT NOW, ARE my priority will have to suffer the consequences due to their lack of preparation today. I am not concerned about my "niece or nephew with the dead parents" at this exact moment bc the fact of the matter is RIGHT NOW, no one is gone. That is not the reality, thank god, RIGHT NOW. My niece or nephew have nothing to do with how I am feeling RIGHT NOW. Right now, I am annoyed at their irresponsibility, about the fact that they are knowingly putting us and their children in a future position that could financially ruin us, where we could barely provide for any of them. That is not fair. The issue is not with taking my niece and nephew, OF COURSE I would. My issue is with the LIVING in the here and now.
I always knew my sister would take my children, no questions asked, but I still sat down with her and ASKED her, discussed it, it is HUGE responsibility to leave someone with. Why make it harder, why should my sister's children pay the price for what was MY irresponsibility while I was alive. It has NOTHING to do with my niece or nephew and everything to do with how two grown adults are being, IMO, wildly irresponsible with our futures, my children's future AND the future of their own children. You know what, it does piss me off. It pisses me off they WHILE THEY CAN do something about it, they choose not too, before, god forbid, it is too late......for everyone's sake.
Message edited 4/30/2013 2:23:14 PM.
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| Posted 4/30/13 10:53 AM |
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2BadSoSad
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Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by JandJ1224
You would get social security every month which would help cover the costs to raise them. If it were my sister I would suggest life insurance.
For me god forbid something tragic happened I would take my neices in a heartbeat with no questions asked. The money could figure it self out.
I am going to say this one last time, OF COURSE I WOULD TAKE MY NIECE AND NEPHEW. I have said it a million times, life insurance is NOT a stipulation to me deciding to take them or not. I wouldnt turn them away, leave them out on the street, send them to live with some strangers. I would never. Is that clear?
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| Posted 4/30/13 10:55 AM |
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Xelindrya
Mommy's little YouTube Star!
Member since 8/05 14470 total posts
Name:
Veronica
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Sorry but I’m in the minority here. Money wouldn’t have come to mind. I’d just feel very humbled they choose to trust their children to me. So I wouldn’t bring anything up. Just hope for the best that for other reasons that this never comes to pass.
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| Posted 4/30/13 12:53 PM |
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