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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Most people know but for those who don't, I went through years and infertility and multiple losses at all different stages of pregnancy ... went through surrogacy for a
year, had a surrogate that didn't medically work out .. did a last ditch IVF effort, and here I am halfway through my pregnancy with a  . We could not be more thrilled.
Well, in the time I felt like the most unlucky infertile person on the planet, I turned down shower invites from some cousins. I know some people will disagree and say that I should have been able to put my feelings aside and been happy for them - but it's not about that. When you go through so much torture to get what you watched others get so easily, it's really about how sad you are for yourself. It has nothing to do with the pregnant person and all to do with your misfortune.
Anyway, we're putting together our shower list and just found out that all the cousins whose shower I didn't go to, will now probably not come to mine - including other family members who won't go in support of them because they were also insulted by my lack of presence.
Honestly.. it hurt my feelings when I first found out ... but I made my guest list based on people who I care about, who I know care about me, and who have played an important roll in my journey to becoming a mom. I even hope to have my surrogate there (we've become such good friends!!) Well .. my dh thinks we should call those cousins and explain ourselves and apologize for not going to their parties and say how things will be different now.
Honest opinions please. They KNOW everything we went through.. they KNOW how hard it was for me to go to every family event over the years but managed to attend anyway, between failed cycles, losses, etc.. I never kept my journey a secret. If they can't put their childish feelings aside and come honor our baby, then forget them! I'll have plenty of other people in the room who understand how hard the last few years have been for me, and genuinely want to be there and won't hold a grudge.
Who is with me on this one? .. I told him he can call and explain whatever he wants but to leave me out of it. I just feel so dead set against justifying anything I did or didn't do while going through infertility.
Thoughts?
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Posted 4/8/13 12:41 PM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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GlowSuarez
Baby Marz is here!
Member since 12/10 1494 total posts
Name:
G
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
I can totally understand you. Sometimes those people who don't go thru what you went thru can't relate to you and failed to know how you really feel. I know people who do the same who refused to go to birthdays and showers because it just makes them feel bad and there is nothing wrong with that. I however, will still send them an invite out of respect. Hopefully they will realize it sooner or later. Good luck
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:45 PM |
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WannaBeAMom11
LIF Adult
Member since 1/11 7391 total posts
Name:
Name
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Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
I completely understand why you didnt go and I only battled infertility for 18 months and didnt go through anything like you did That being said did you send a gift when you didnt go? If you didnt I kind of undertand why they woulld be a little we arent going blah blah blah but if you did send a gift then they are just being childish and there is no reason you should have to explain yourself.
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:48 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
imo fcuk em!!!!
i think playin tit for tat with you is horrible!!!!
if they know what you've been through why would they do this?!?!?
how have they been with you during this pregnancy?
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:48 PM |
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jennielee15
Let's try this again....
Member since 7/11 2269 total posts
Name:
Jennie
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
A couple questions...
1.) when you didn't go, did you let them know why at the time?
2.) Did you send them gifts but not attend the party?
3.) Are you going to invite them anyway, even if you feel they may not attend?
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:50 PM |
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StaceyWill
It's a girl!!!
Member since 6/10 21539 total posts
Name:
Stacey
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Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Wow! I think those who won't go are being EXTREMELY petty and mean. I also don't think your DH should call anyone to explain anything. If they don't GET it, that's their problem and I know they're your family and all, but you don't need them to be there.
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:51 PM |
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Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
My first instinct in reading this was to just invite all those whom you want to invite and those that want to be there to celebrate this huge moment in your life will be there.
Whatever their reasons are for not attending is on them. They may be petty but those are their feelings.
But out of curiosity... when you didn't go, did you send a gift? Just wondering if that might be playing into their decision to not go too.
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:52 PM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
I would 100% be like....and eff you. They KNOW what you went through. It should be assumed by them that there was a valid reason you didn't go, even if they didn't know. This is so supremely petty and spiteful that I would probably want to do the opposite of your DH and call them to ask them if they are honestly this selfish and spiteful.
I don't think you owe them anything!
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:55 PM |
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MrsMessina
Thankful for our miracles!
Member since 2/07 7254 total posts
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Um.... Wow. I may have a different opinion than most given my long road of IF as well. That being said- you and I can talk about those feelings in person or on the phone as they're way too long to type out.
I will be the first person to tell you that going through infertility is HELL. The medical field equates it with dealing with cancer- the emotional toll as well as mentally...
While I see where your DH is coming from, I think it's ridiculous that you should have to justify yourselves to them. If you see them and its something you choose to bring up, that's one thing, but for him to go out of his way to justify your lack of participation when it was pretty clear given your 2nd trimester loss as well as infertility why you might have a hard time being there, I think it's insensitive on their part.
That being said, I skipped on my share of baby showers over the years, including both my and DH's cousins. If they choose not to be a part of your shower- why is it necessary for anyone to point out why they won't be there? Can't they give you the same respect you gave them and just decline? Petty if you ask me... 
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:55 PM |
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Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
I hear you loud and clear and I understand everything you are saying. However I tend to agree with your DH. Before I even read that he wants to call these cousins I was thinking in my head "she should call and explain her side". Obviously you want them there, if you didn't this wouldn't upset you that much.
In a perfect world these cousins would know that you were thinking and how you felt but unfortunately things don't work that way. There could have been someone standing behind them saying "if she really cared about you and your baby she would be here" (not saying be ANY means I believe that) and now that is stuck in their head, instead of "my cousin went through a lot and I'm so happy that they can finally embrace the joys of motherhood like I have been able to".
While I haven't been through all you have, 2 days before my SIL told us she was pregnant my doctor told me that we cannot have children as long as my cluster headaches existed. I was in downward depression between the headaches (I was on oxygen therapy at 28 years old) and now this. When my SIL told us I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest. As much as I wanted to be happy for her (and I was), I was sad for us. It ruined my relationship with my SIL and not until after her daughter was born have we been back to where we were. I also had a MC about 3 weeks before she gave birth but that time I tried even harder to focus on my niece's birth and tried to block out the MC. SIL apparently understood what was going on until other people were chiming their butts into our business. We were on our way to fixing things once we finally spoke to each other and cleared the air.
I would say talk to your cousins. They don't have to understand but first you don't go to a shower, then they don't go to yours, then you don't go to a birthday party, and soon you no longer have those cousins in your life. Sorry this is so long but I wanted to let you know how I felt about the whole situation and I completely understand where you are coming from.
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:56 PM |
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
I don't believe going tit for tat with anything.
If it were me, I'd invite them out of respect and if they don't want to come then that's their problem. If they want to take something that wasn't personal personally, that's on them and their issue. Not mine.
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:56 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Thanks ladies for all the quick responses! To answer some questions ... We always gave gifts when the babies were first born ... as far as showers we didn't go to, I honestly don't remember ... but if's for that reason that at the holiday a few weeks ago we brought the kids some presents to sort of "make up" for not giving them gifts when we should have. We thought it would be a nice way to clear the air and show our cousins that we feel bad for being no-shows.
I can't really say how they've been this pregnancy because we've only just come out to them two weeks ago and only saw them once so far. Everyone was happy for us though!
I know I can be strong willed and feel strongly about how I handled myself over the years and DONT think I need to justify myself... My dh on the other hand is the peace keeper 
What I told him is, it's not what you say it's what you do - and I think we showed them a few weeks ago that we feel bad for not going to things... and I texted one of them recently to say I was hoping to get together for dinner in a few weeks. I'm trying here - but outright apologizing for not being at things over the years because otherwise they won't come to my shower??? Are we 5?
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| Posted 4/8/13 12:58 PM |
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brownie
Baby #1 is here!
Member since 11/08 13903 total posts
Name:
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by newyearnewthings
I don't believe going tit for tat with anything.
If it were me, I'd invite them out of respect and if they don't want to come then that's their problem. If they want to take something that wasn't personal personally, that's on them and their issue. Not mine.
Same...although I don't know how you handled turning down going to their shower (like if you talked to them or told them it would be too much for you etc)...if you didn't talk to them or share with them why you weren't going, I can see why they feel resentful (I still wouldn't do what they did though). If you sent gifts and just didn't go, then they should understand.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:03 PM |
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jennielee15
Let's try this again....
Member since 7/11 2269 total posts
Name:
Jennie
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Okay so after reading your answers, I will say to invite them without any explanation. I'm assuming you heard form family members that they won't come to your shower, and if your family is anything like my DH's family it could all be BS. They may be thinking totally differently. People like to cause drama over things and push their ideas on others. Invite everyone you want there and if they don't come, oh well, their loss. But I really doubt there is any truth to these statements.....
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:03 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Thanks, we did hear through the grapevine that they are still insulted and would likely not come.
When I didn't go to their showers, I said I wasn't coming and honestly thing I didn't send a gift - but it's spilt milk. It's done already. I brought gifts a few weeks ago hoping to show that I feel bad and hoping to move past that.
ETA: Now that I have my baby on the way too  (and by the way, two of those cousins are pregnant AGAIN and due 3 weeks after me) I'm hoping that we can just move past this and start over with a clean slate. It's so ridiculous.
At least for what it's worth I know that the people who DO attend are people who I truly care about, and vice versa. I agree with those who said they don't believe in tit for tat- that's not my style either. I have friends who invited me to their showers and I'm not inviting them to mine, and friends who didn't invite me to theirs (for obvious reasons) and are now invited to mine.. I just don't play games. I am planning on inviting them and whatever will be will be ... however.. I'm still opposed to making some formal apology.
Message edited 4/8/2013 1:18:15 PM.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:09 PM |
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jennielee15
Let's try this again....
Member since 7/11 2269 total posts
Name:
Jennie
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by PennyCat
Thanks, we did hear through the grapevine that they are still insulted and would likely not come.
Honestly don't pay attention to anything you hear through the "grapevine".... People can be such drama starters!!! Enjoy your pregnancy and ignore stupidity!!!
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:11 PM |
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WannaBeAMom11
LIF Adult
Member since 1/11 7391 total posts
Name:
Name
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Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Just invite them, if they come, they come, if they dont oh well. I still dont think an apology is needed.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:12 PM |
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orchid24
PARTY OF FIVE PLEASE!
Member since 3/06 2018 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by PromiseNotToTell
My first instinct in reading this was to just invite all those whom you want to invite and those that want to be there to celebrate this huge moment in your life will be there.
Whatever their reasons are for not attending is on them. They may be petty but those are their feelings.
But out of curiosity... when you didn't go, did you send a gift? Just wondering if that might be playing into their decision to not go too.
I have to agree...I can't relate to the pain you must have been going through as I have never miscarried, but just as you are hurt they don't want to come...you have to understand how hurt they must've been by you not wanting to celebrate their lo no matter what the circumstances. Is it justified? Who knows. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings. I personally would invite whomever you felt an invite was deserved, but be prepared if they don't come. I've learned It's easier when you don't have any expectations.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:18 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
insulted?!?!?!?!? really?!?!? that's lame. what normal person with a real heart would feel insulted that you couldn't attend given your IF problems and looses for yearssssssss.
shame on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dh would be pissseed about this and wouldn't want us sending any of them invites.
i guess you should send them invites but a part of me wishes you wouldn't
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:20 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by MRsFaTThead
i guess you should send them invites but a part of me wishes you wouldn't
I just feel like that wouldn't prove anything. I'm trying to just move past this and for us all to just hold our fertile hands now that ALL of us have moved on (well, moving in the right direction anyway! )
That would just fuel the fire... I wanna show them we should all just put the past in our behinds (love that term, as quoted by Pumba or Simone in The Lion King). I don't hold grudges- or try not to!! I wouldn't want to sink to their level.
Message edited 4/8/2013 1:26:49 PM.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:25 PM |
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TyReseGreen
Lil Prince is here
Member since 8/11 6338 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by jennielee15
A couple questions...
1.) when you didn't go, did you let them know why at the time?
2.) Did you send them gifts but not attend the party?
3.) Are you going to invite them anyway, even if you feel they may not attend?
I was gonna ask the same thing.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:26 PM |
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TyReseGreen
Lil Prince is here
Member since 8/11 6338 total posts
Name:
Theresa
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by MRsFaTThead
insulted?!?!?!?!? really?!?!? that's lame. what normal person with a real heart would feel insulted that you couldn't attend given your IF problems and looses for yearssssssss.
shame on them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
my dh would be pissseed about this and wouldn't want us sending any of them invites.
i guess you should send them invites but a part of me wishes you wouldn't
Totally agree here!
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:31 PM |
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Pray4Baby2010
<3 Cutest Giants Fan
Member since 10/09 5796 total posts
Name:
MB
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
I have been on the other side of this- one of my closest friends from college basically wrote me off when I got pregnant...
I didn't know it at the time, but when I announced my pregnancy with my first, she had just had just miscarried  ...
I tried to do what I could to keep in touch, I sent a thinking of you card when she told me about her loss, I invited her to the shower and nothing, not even so much as a congratulations text when my son was born
About a year later, she got pregnant through IVF with twins and at that point she wanted to pick up where we left off..
She's since had her shower, delivered but I have to be honest, it just will never be the same for me.
No I didnt walk in her shoes, but she did miss one of the biggest most important events in my life.
None of this is to say that your emotions are wrong or you did anything wrong- nor did my friend...
So I kind of agree with your DH, in no way do you need to apologize, I think its more they may need to hear that it wasnt them, it was the situation
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:38 PM |
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PennyCat
Just call me mommy :)
Member since 7/08 19084 total posts
Name:
Jib
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
I have been on the other side of this- one of my closest friends from college basically wrote me off when I got pregnant...
I didn't know it at the time, but when I announced my pregnancy with my first, she had just had just miscarried ...
I tried to do what I could to keep in touch, I sent a thinking of you card when she told me about her loss, I invited her to the shower and nothing, not even so much as a congratulations text when my son was born
About a year later, she got pregnant through IVF with twins and at that point she wanted to pick up where we left off..
She's since had her shower, delivered but I have to be honest, it just will never be the same for me.
No I didnt walk in her shoes, but she did miss one of the biggest most important events in my life.
None of this is to say that your emotions are wrong or you did anything wrong- nor did my friend...
So I kind of agree with your DH, in no way do you need to apologize, I think its more they may need to hear that it wasnt them, it was the situation
Thank you for sharing, I really appreciate hearing it from your (or really, their) perspective and that does make a lot of sense.
I think it will just come down to if it's more important to be right or be happy... and if happiness wins, we just may be making that phone call and the next move is on them.  I still feel the way I do, but I guess when I think about it I just wanna know at the end of the day that I did ALL I could to make this all water under the bridge. At least I can say I tried .. and I mainly want to resolve things for the sake of our son because it would be nice for all our kids to be friends and play together at family things without any rifts between the parents.
Message edited 4/8/2013 1:45:20 PM.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:42 PM |
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MRsFaTThead
NY GIRL IN TEXAS
Member since 6/10 5483 total posts
Name:
WHO GIVES A POO WHO GIVES A FUDGE !!
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Re: Oh you gotta be kidding me ..... (shower related)
Posted by Pray4Baby2010
they may need to hear that it wasnt them, it was the situation
not yelling at you but why in the world would family need to know it wasn't them?!?!? she's been through so many looses and has had such a rough road. did they forget about it?!?!? they should be fcukin honored to celebrate the birth of her first!!!!
sorry. i guess i will never understand how a mother can be so selfish to another mother to be.
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| Posted 4/8/13 1:49 PM |
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