How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

So, I decided to bring up the topic of planning my baby shower with my sister yesterday….I should have realized this wouldn’t go over so well! Knowing that my sis and my mom aren’t really financially able to 100% pay for my shower, I’ve always thought I’d contribute to help pay for it (and side note, my mom is not a girly girl and couldn't care less about party planning lol, so that's a non-issue)……so to me I assumed my sister would be relieved b/c otherwise she’d have to worry about how much she was spending on everything. Well she of course immediately got offended yesterday when I mentioned that WE should go look at shower locations together sometime this month because she said it insinuates that I don’t have faith in her to throw the party herself. And I explained to her, it’s not about that, it’s just that I know she can’t pay for the whole thing and if I’m going to contribute $$ to it then I’d like to have a say in the location. So she goes on to say she was already thinking of asking my sister in law (DH’s brothers wife) about contributing so she wouldn’t have to take on the whole thing herself. Ok, um, I have FIVE sister in laws on DH’s side, 2 of which are his actual sisters and she was going to ask one of his brother’s wives?? And not one of my closest friends? I said to her that would have been rude to ask just one of them and not even ask my mother in law. She couldn’t understand how that would be offensive, I tried to tell her to imagine the shower invite going out and everyone seeing “given by (my sister) and SIL” and how everyone would be baffled why just one out of 5 SIL’s would be part of it and no mention of my mother in law at all, like she was overlooked or something (at least that's how she'd see it). OMG all I can think is how much drama she would have started on DH’s side of the family if she would’ve asked the SIL without even talking to me about it!! Which, btw, she did NOT plan on discussing my shower with me at all (whereas, I clearly remember asking her who she wanted involved in her shower planning for both her bridal & baby showers). So, we’re not arguing about it necessarily, but now this whole situation is making me tense, b/c my sister just thinks I’m being weird about wanting to contribute to my own shower (even though I told her lots of people do it!). I feel like now I have to coddle my sister to make her feel more involved but yet I know she’s really not the best party planner and I would hope she’d be relieved that I’m helping (especially since everyone knows how opinionated I can be! Lol). Sorry this is so long, I just feel really bummed that already this drama is starting and shower planning should be a happy and fun time, and now she’s making me feel like I’m some kind of jerk. DH thinks I should tell her we can pay for the whole thing if she’s going to be so weird about it, but I told him that would completely come off the wrong way and she’d feel totally snubbed. UGH! Thanks for listening to this big long rant, I couldn’t sleep last night b/c this is all I was thinking about. I hate family drama

How would you diffuse the situation if it was your sister? I know my sis is sensitive but it stinks that now I feel anxiety about even talking to her about the shower!

Message edited 5/7/2012 11:21:51 AM.

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Ok, first... deep breath. You're like 14 weeks so you have about 20 weeks to plan this. You haven't even been pregnant that long!!! There is NO NEED to stress... it will all be worked out, slowly and surely.

If you want to have a huge hand in your shower, then by all means do. But it's true that a lot of planners will be upset/insulted that you "don't trust them." It's up to you where you want to be as far as that goes. If you DO trust your sister, then offer her X amount of money towards it and then let go. If you want to be more involved than that, just explain to her what parts you'd like to be involved in.

As far as the family drama goes, I can't really relate (I don't have a sister at all, but my SIL and two friends helped plan my shower). I just said I wanted it at my home and we chose the date together. They took care of everything else, and it really was wonderful. If you want your husband's sisters involved, email them and ask them if they're cool with that. You can even email the whole group of possibly-interested people and that way they can all email each other about it. Or tell your sister to start a group on fb and add all your SILs, including the BIL's wife that she seems closest with. Then if they think there are other people that should be involved, they can let her know. If any are not interested or can't be involved with the planning, they can choose not to.

My mom wanted nothing to do with a baby shower for me. She said it was like asking for hand-outs and made me feel like crap for being excited my SIL and friends wanted to throw me one. But my mom is like that. She's not nice and she doesn't think before she speaks. So sometimes you just have to do what you think is best and what you want.

I'm sure your sister will choose a great place! But if you really want to help, by all means get involved. Either way, it'll be a wonderful shower to celebrate your little baby!!! Don't let all these "issues" stand in your way of looking forward to your special day!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Thanks Sandra! I'm so sorry your mom wasn't involved and wasn't excited about planning a shower! My mom isn't either, but I don't let it bother me b/c I know that's how she is w/ parties. I really don't want my sister in laws involved in the shower, b/c honestly I wasn't involved w/ any of their showers and I honestly think they'd be offended to be asked to contribute $$ to mine if I didn't contribute to theirs....that's just how it goes. And even though I'm just about 16 weeks and there's still PLENTY of time to plan it, in my neighborhood, there's only like 2 places I'd consider and I don't want to get stuck with a date if I wait too long to pick a place. My sis doesn't know the area at all, so it honestly is better for me to pick since I know who has good food, a good party room etc.

Thanks so much for your opinion on this, I was just wondering if anyone dealt with something similar. I am very grateful my sis wants to plan my shower, but I honestly feel that if I'm going to contribute at least 50% that I should have a little bit of a say. I'm glad I discussed it with my sister this early before she talked to my SIL about it!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

I dont think there is anything wrong with wanting to be apart of planning YOUR baby shower. I admit I do not have a sister and did not have any of these issues with planning. I planned it with my mother and mother in law. And to be honest, I chose the restaurant; I bought all my decorations; favors; and everything in between. They paid for the restaurant. I dont think either one of them were offended or thought I didnt 'trust' them, I think they were relieved. Neither one of them knows how to throw a party OR where to get decorations; or what I wanted... Why would I leave those things up to someone who doesnt know? Why would I end up with a shower that Im not happy with when its once in a lifetime for me?

I mean the baby shower is for you, shouldnt you get what you want? Shouldnt it reflect YOU?
From what you wrote, it sounds to me like your sister is being overly sensitive and is also making this about her and not YOU... This is your time...

I think maybe sit down and talk to your sister to let her know, its not about trust and your not sure why shes taking it there, but its more about wanting to be apart of a very special day for you. Its about having the shower of your dreams and just wanting to enjoy planning it WITH her... Its about wanting to have a say in it. Its YOUR shower and your not telling her what to do every step of the way, this is the first step, choosing a location and you would like to be involved with that. She should relax and not take it like its a reflection on her that you want to be involved in the location pick.
Party planning is a very big deal.
And I think party planning is a very personal thing. And its VERY easy to be disapointed especially when the person throwing is isnt financially stable and maybe cant afford the things you want. So why cant you go buy the things you want? or chip in? I dont see anything wrong with putting in $ and having a say in it...

Message edited 5/7/2012 12:10:18 PM.

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Thanks BlessedMomma!! I do kind of feel like she is making this more about her, and how she feels more so than how I feel. I tried to tell her that I've basically been planning this in my head since I miscarried in 2009 and this is something I've been really excited about ever since we got pregnant again, I kind of feel like this is the first party that DH and I get to throw for OUR child, and maybe that's why I feel differently than I did when it was my bridal shower. I tried to emphasize how much fun it would be to plan it together, but it sounds like she will fight me every step of the way, when I told her I had already found an invite I liked (I actually picked one before we were pregnant again ), she said "well how do you know that I didn't already find invitations???". I hope she realizes this is not a me against her type of thing, she's my only sister and I love her dearly but sometimes she's just overly sensitive. And more importantly, I know she'd put herself in a financial hole to pay for it, how could I turn a blind eye to that and not help out paying for it when we can afford to? I am not looking to have some extravagant party, but I don't want to worry about feeling bad if I invite 60 people knowing my sister can't afford to pay for 40-45 people (if that many show up).

Case in point, when she was getting married she bought a do it yourself invitation kit from Michaels. She printed them at home by herself, when she showed them to me, I saw they were LEFT justified instead of centered and I said "please let me buy another DIY kit for you and reprint them, you can't send them out if they're not centered", and she FREAKED out on me, telling me that I'm crazy and no one would notice. 8 years later and it still bothers me she sent those invites out like that So yes, I do worry about my sister planning something by herself, but again, if I'm going to contribute $$ I don't see why she'd get offended if I help plan it.

Message edited 5/7/2012 12:40:38 PM.

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

OK so here is how it has to be

Either your mom and sister ask MIL if she wants to be involved OR it has to stay just mom and sister (with assistance from you). You can't ask any SILs for help before MIL, as you know. . . it would just be WEIRD.

I get that your sister is sensitive, but you are pregnant and the guest of honor. . .so, work around it in the way only a sister knows how and get what you want. . . be strong!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

I don't think you're wrong in wanting to help - lots of people help plan their own showers (i'm going to).

You'll need to find a way of telling your sister that she should ask everybody ... or just tell her that you're not comfortable asking just one SIL and, as your DH said, that you can help pay for more of it.

As for the location, you should just say that you really had your heart set on one of two shower locations. If she doesn't listen, tell other people who will help plan so that they can "persuade" her as well.

Good luck!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Posted by GioiaMia

OK so here is how it has to be

Either your mom and sister ask MIL if she wants to be involved OR it has to stay just mom and sister (with assistance from you). You can't ask any SILs for help before MIL, as you know. . . it would just be WEIRD.

I get that your sister is sensitive, but you are pregnant and the guest of honor. . .so, work around it in the way only a sister knows how and get what you want. . . be strong!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Posted by MrsRapz

I don't think you're wrong in wanting to help - lots of people help plan their own showers (i'm going to).

You'll need to find a way of telling your sister that she should ask everybody ... or just tell her that you're not comfortable asking just one SIL and, as your DH said, that you can help pay for more of it.

As for the location, you should just say that you really had your heart set on one of two shower locations. If she doesn't listen, tell other people who will help plan so that they can "persuade" her as well.

Good luck!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Sooooryyyy to hear you are having stress already ~ I think your MIL should be asked before the SIL's and then if your sister wants to get your SIL's involved she needs to ask all not just one SIL (you don't want anyone to feel excluded and not included)

Good Luck!!!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Posted by mooshyboo

Sooooryyyy to hear you are having stress already ~ I think your MIL should be asked before the SIL's and then if your sister wants to get your SIL's involved she needs to ask all not just one SIL (you don't want anyone to feel excluded and not included)

Good Luck!!!

Re: How would you handle this? baby shower planning vent

Im sorry but I have to respectfully disagree with you MrsKelly. Im sorry that you are going through that with your shower, you shouldnt have to AT ALL.
I cant even imagine just sitting quiet and 'letting your sister have her way so you dont cause conflict' seriously? Thats really sad to be feeling that way and not even be looking forward to your own party...

I also believe that people should be able to talk about their feelings without it causing conflict. Why does talking about your feelings with your sister mean conflict? I am not advising you to be confrontational with your sister, but rather to talk to her. Explain all of it to her, explain why its so special. Why everything means so much to you. How much fun you guys can have planning it and most of all that its about YOU...

Ive learned you cannot sit quietly while people step on you and your feelings. People who dont even try to understand where your coming from. People who just make it about them. The planning process should be fun for you and your sister, if she cant see that then maybe you are better off telling her that you will plan it and pay for it yourself. =/ I would definately try talking to her first though in a nice way. Tell her how much you appreciate her and the thought she is putting into this but it is a REALLY special day for you and you want to be involved in the planning. After all its YOUR shower.
YOUR shower, YOUR day, YOUR once in a lifetime... Its about YOU and sometimes people need to be reminded of that...