How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Wrong? Ok? Indifferent? This is for a colleague, not someone you know to well. Just want opinions.

Thanks

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Depends on the age of the child, who died, open casket/closed casket & the personality of the child.

I'm leaning toward the perfectly acceptable category.

For example, if it was a child that died (that's not the child's friend), I wouldn't bring them.

If it's a rambunctious child (outside of your normal toddler behavior), I'd leave them at home.

If the child was a super sensitive child, I'd skip it.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Unless it was family or a close friend I'd probably skip it.

We've recently experienced a lot of death in our family and I've tended to just bring DS and his cousins downstairs in the funeral parlor where there's a tv and space to play, or outside of the church if it's getting to be a lot.

They are all toddlers though.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I'm in the same boat this weekend & I'm dreading it. MIL is more on the page they need to be there. My DD is very sensitive & I think seeing an open casket w/ someone inside will be very unsettling for her & it would be something she won't forget. Then there's my 2 year old who screamed non-stop at his sister's Christmas show & had to be taken outside.

This is for an uncle on DH's side. DH is sort of on the same page as me. We're going in 2 separate cars today & will probably hang out in the "family room. When DS has had enough (as it's during his nap time) I'll take them home. Tonight DH will go & I'll stay home w/ them.

Tomorrow we'll have sitters for them.

MIL thinks they need to be at the funeral mass/cemetary but I strongly disagree.

Like Barb said it depends on the age of the child; how close you were to the person & the nature of your child.

I brought DD to an extended family member's wake when she was 7 months old & she brought a smile to everyone's face & was oblivious to what was going on.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

It depends. I wouldn't bring my child to a coworkers funeral if that's what you are asking.

But, to a family member. 1000% yes. We bring kids to wakes also. Not all the wakes but, at least one and they pay respects and then usually all the kids hang out in the outside room or float back and forth. Death is a part of life. My family has always felt this way and I agree.

I brought Liam when he was less than a year to a coworkers DH's wake.. I wouldn't now that he is 2.5 and a wild man. A baby you can control. And older child you can control. I only brough him because my DH was working and the only way I could go was with my baby.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I think children need to learn about death as sad as it is. I have a friend who's mom NEVER talked to her about death, never took her to any wakes as a kid and when it came to her going to one as an adult, she was freaked out.

When my BILs father died, my niece was 3 years old. My sister and BIL brought her to the wake and explained what had happened.She was sad but when she
talked" to her grandfather, it was touching.

Both my grandparents dies within 4 months of each other earlier this year and my 4 y/o nephews were there. Again they then spoke to Nanny and Papa and understood what happened.

Kids are much more flexible. Don't make them afraid of going to a wake....

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

We had to bring my godson since all the family was going ... We took turns sitting outside in the lobby with him no one seemed to mind him being there ... At church he was well behaved as well ... He was about 3 at the time

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I think children under 10 shouldn't go inside for the wake. My parents always,explained death but never brought us inside for a wake. The funeral is diffrent.and think thats ok for children to attend. Thats just my opinion

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I don't have kids, but the only experience i had as a kid (about 10) my mom brought me to a neighbor's wake, she was 16 and died of cancer. I was very freaked out seeing her in the casket because I knew her.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Depends on how old. THe first funeral i remember going to was my moms aunt... i was in 7th grade.

If its an immediate family member then i think its perfectly fine...

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

my son was 5 months when he went to his first wake for his great grandma. He's an infant so there's not much for him to understand at his age. He was well behaved. /my niece 11 & nephew 6 were also there and were very well behaved and understood. It was open casket & they weren't freaked out at all. I think the older niece did however ask "why does her face look like that?" as far as looking so much different. When it was explained to her that the face was relaxed just like when she sleeps at night she accepted that and went right about her business. There was also a 21 month old...he was running all over the place...He also did not understand what exactly was going on...but he wasn't negatively affected by it. in fact...he wasn't affected at all.

My worry would be that some more sensitive children might have nightmares about the body.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

It depends on the age of the child, the relationship to the deceased, etc.. But, i do think, , to a large extent, the way we view death is cultural.

Years ago, when my oldest was 7, my husband's grandmother died. We were all very close to her, but she was 92. My instinct was to not bring my daughter, but she insisted she wanted to go. I asked a friend, who is a psychologist, what to do. She told me to ask her why she wanted to go. My daughter's response was because she was part of the family and loved noni too. Needless to say, I brought her and it was fine.

In more recent years, our family has experienced the loss of both my mil and my father. Frankly, for me the harder decision, was how much of the illness and decline of their grandparents health, to expose them to.

I don't think there are any hard and fast rules here, and I know we all want to protect our kids, but it's not always possible.

Message edited 1/7/2012 11:17:45 AM.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I have a 7.5wk old and a 2yr old. My grandmother died in Dec and DH brought them for an hour to the wake. That's it. I didn't want them there any longer. DD is a crazy woman and DS has not had his shots yet. I would not take my dk to a non-family wake or funneral unless I had to and then you just do what you have to do.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Assuming its family or friends that the family knows well, I don't think there is anything wrong with it, assuming its not a crying infact.

I don't believe children should be shielded from this. It's life. My sister's kids have been to wakes and funerals for family and close friends since they were born practically, I would do the same with my own.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Not a place for children. They have plenty of years to learn about death and life's unpleasantries JMO Their young minds are still forming and I just don't think they need to be exposed to such images.

I went to many funerals when I was younger (including parents), and sadly, those images are the ones that are most burned into my memory. Childhood is short.

Message edited 1/7/2012 11:47:22 AM.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Message edited 1/7/2012 11:49:31 AM.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

for family & close friends yes, for co-workers or not so close friends no need.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

It depends on the child's age, emotional and maturity level and relationship with the deceased. For a colleague? No, not appropriate unless the child and colleague had a very close relationship.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I was never shielded from death and funerals....I don't remember the first wake I went to because I was so young. It didn't traumatize me and in my opinion I was able to deal with wakes & funerals 100% better then others who were shielded. I'm in my 30's now, and I have friends my age who still can't deal with funerals, because they never went until they were young adults! Death is a part of life and unfortunately we have to deal with it. I was never scared of seeing a dead body, I was taught that it was not a scary thing.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I would not for a colleague

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I'm not a parent so I will be the first to say that maybe I would feel differently if I had a child of my own, however, imo, I feel that in most instances it's okay, however I wouldn't have the child in the room for a very long time, and I wouldn't bring them up to the casket. Like some other people said, I feel that since death is a part of life, it's okay for them to be around but in a gentle, easing them into it kind of way.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

I think there ate two different issues here.

One is about kids and funerals in general-

I think it's okay to bring a child to some wakes/funerals bc as pps mentioned death is a part of life.

Personally, I would not bring my kids to an open casket wake bc at too young an age I think it could be too scary.

I also did not bring my very young children to my own grandmother's service bc they were too young to understand/"mourn" and anyway it was very cold out and a graveside service. I know she would not have wanted them there.

I think I would bring them for sure to a religious service in a church/synagogue when they are old enough to explain a bit about life and death/respect etc. or at least old enough to have somewhat predictable behavior. Although my 2 year old does sit nice in church right now.

The second issue here though is whether it's appropriate for a coworkers funeral-

Imo no it is not. I don't think I would appreciate it of someone outside of the family brought a small child to my loved one's wake/funeral. What if the child cries/tantrums/or just gets curious during the service? Out would be disruptive and not as easily dismissed as a child in the family.

Re: How Do You Feel About Bringing a Child To a Funeral Service?

Only yes if it's close family. This is just MY feeling towards wakes but to me they're very somber experiences and I just don't feel that small kids (under 10 or so) should be there. I don't think this is to protect the kid (the parents should be the judge of if it's going to upset their child or not) I think of it more along the lines of a small kid being disruptive.