Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

My sister and I have a half sister. We found out about her in 2001 and met her in 2009. This is our 3rd Christmas knowing her. They are really, really poor. They live in a really bad neighborhood in Philadelphia and her mom can barely get her what she needs. The first Christmas that we knew her, 2009, my sister and I decided to go in on a Wii for her because she was up for my wedding that August and LOVED our Wii. She has a brother so decided to go in on a refurbished Wii so that we could afford to get her an extra controller and some games. We had it shipped to Philly and her mom was so excited and grateful and had it wrapped for them to open Christmas morning. I get a phone call that morning and the first words out of her mouth were..." Hi, Wii Sports is missing" I was heartbroken. I thought that she was going to be so happy, so excited to get this, instead she complained. Not once said thank you. I sent her my own Wii Sports because I felt bad and again, no thank you. My sister was soooo mad. I wasn't mad, just upset, I chalked it up to her being 10 and not knowing any better. We aren't poor but on a budget. It took me awhile to save up for a Wii and some games and accessories, that junk is expensive and we just paid for a wedding a few months prior. I just wanted a thank you.

Christmas 2010. I called her mom and asked if there was anything that my half sister needed. She said she really needed a winter coat. DH works for a sports store so I had her go on the website, told her to pick out a really good coat regardless of price. DH gets a great discount and is allowed to use it toward holiday gifts so I would rather her pick out something she would like, and something quality that would last seeing as this would be her only coat. She picked out a nice Columbia one, we also sent her some North Face gloves and some other nice stuff. She calls Christmas morning and again first words out of her mouth are..."the coat is too small" Ugh. My heart sank. I just wanted a thank you. DH calls the store closest to them and arranges for them to go in and get a coat that fits and just do an exchange. My sister is even more angry now. She splits everything with us since we get our half sister expensive stuff to last and she needs a lot, and we also feel bad that they are unbelievably poor but my sister has had enough now. She said not only is she ungrateful but we try calling, texting and facebook messaging her and we get one word answers, basically forcing her to talk to us. Once again I chalk it up to being 11, my mom said that her mom should be teaching her manners.

Okay, so this year I ask my sister if she is going in on a gift for our half sister and she reluctantly agrees but says that she will probably be ungrateful again. I ask our half sister what she wants and she said Uggs. We buy them and ship them. I get a text Friday morning. "the Uggs don't fit I need a size 8" That's all it said.



Ugh. Is it that she's 12 or should she have manners? I mean, my mom really, really pushed manners. She expected it at all times no exceptions. Dh feels the same way. We have a 16 month old, he already says thank you. Ugh, idk my heart just breaks. It's not that I buy her this stuff for a thank you, it's because she doesn't get anything and she needs stuff and it's not her fault her life is like this. I want to help. I save a lot to do this for her. She comes to visit, I drive there and get her and drive her back we take her out to do all these things, buy her more stuff etc and I don't know if it's that she expects it or doesn't like us so that's why she doesn't show appreciation, or she's 12. I don't get it. Would you be upset?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I would be mad because to me, poor or not you say "thank you sis, I love them but is it ok if we exchange them because they are a little small". I would expect that from a 12 year old and to be honest I would expect that from a 10 year old too.

I think in the future if you want to buy her something I would get a gift card to a store that she likes for clothes or shoes and get her that.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I would definitely be upset. Her mother should teach her some manners. The first thing you say after getting a gift is thank you.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

call me heartless, but that would be the last time I got her anything.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I personally do not think this is normal behavior. She should understand manners at that age. What kind of relationship do you have now? If you do not see eachother regularly or have much of a relationship i would just give a gift card half the amount of what you were spending.

As a child i was very very poor and would gleam at any gift i got of any value. I was very thankful and polite even when i didnt prefer a gift. I cant relate to her behaviour. Jmho.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

That is rude!! She should absolutely be more thankful.

The one word answers through text and fb are normal though. Texting has ruined peoples abilitily to communicate normally. So sad!

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Not normal at all. My 8 and 5 year old are super appreciative of all the gifts they get! I would absolutely call her on it! Maybe a year of no gifts will teach her a thing or two. Maybe you and your sis can let the mother know how much her behavior upsets you. Does she have a relationship with your Dad?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

It is rude. I would probably have a conversation with my half sister and explain that the way she reacted re: her Christmas gift it is hurtful and just plain not nice. She is 12 and maybe needs the guidance. If her mom has a problem with you having that chat with her then maybe you should just send a card for the holidays from now on

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Posted by DiamondGirl

It is rude. I would probably have a conversation with my half sister and explain that the way she reacted re: her Christmas gift it is hurtful and just plain not nice. She is 12 and maybe needs the guidance. If her mom has a problem with you having that chat with her then maybe you should just send a card for the holidays from now on

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

How is she when she visits?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

She's clearly taking advantage of you.

From my experience giving gifts to well-to-do 10-12 yo vs. poorer kids of the same age... The poorer kids are always more appreciative 'cus they aren't constantly showered with the latest and greatest toys and gadgets every holiday/bday. Therefore, they are more excited and appreciative when seeing gifts, regardless of how much it cost.

Your sister does not seem to act like this and I'm wondering it's because she sees you first as an ATM machine...

If so, I would forget asking what she wants and not send her anything at all or just send her the basics - Old Navy jeans and tshirts on sale, if she really needs clothes.

It's time you break this habit of hers...

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I personally think this is normal for a 12 yr. old. Is it right? No. Does her mother teach her manners? She might. Sometimes my 13 yr. old says things that get me annoyed. She just says what is on her mind and I have noticed a lot of tweens and teens are like this.
I don't know this girl personally so I can't say if she is taking advantage of you or not but I would definately ask her, her size if you want to buy her something again and if she still complains, I would maybe just get her a gift card and let her pick it out herself.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

my stepson is about a year older. he def is in the same greed mode as your half sister.
i try to write it off to being that age. it did get to a point where it made me very upset (other things he did and how he acted )
we did stop giving in.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

It is typical 12 year old behavior if your parents never taught you manners. It is NOT that she is incapable of having manners. I think you should say something to her, even a quick quip...like, "Hey, how about a thank you!"

Also, do you get to see her often? Maybe she doesn't know how to act and is uncomfortable with the situation...
IDK.
Bottom line, my 20 month old can say please and thank you.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I feel terrible for you b/c i know how it feels to go out of your way to make something special for someone who needs it and get S***ted on.

Im sorry, but at 12, she should know how to say thank you. That gets learned and should be taught. Obviously her mother or parent hasn't instilled that in her.

DS is 2 and we make sure he says thank you when he is given something.

This is how ingrateful human beings are raised. then they walk around thinking that the world owes them something.

This would be the last year I would do this. Its not your problem they are poor. Giving them basic necessities is ne thing..designer items like a Wii, Northface, Columbia, Uggs..forget it..i wouldnt bother. B/c obviously thats all they care about is having designer labels.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I can understand where you are coming from as I have been in a similar situation with my cousin's son. I love him dearly but sometimes feel like he just sees me as a bank. I have cut back on what I do for him and made a point to not always do over the top things when we're together. (I live several states away from him and only see him 1-2 times a year)

I have point blank asked him before if the only reason he wanted to spend time with me was because I bought him things/did things with him. He always says no, but the older he gets (he just turned 13) the more I see that kind of attitude/behavior.

I think our emotions and sadness for the lives they have get in the way sometimes. I know I tend to try to overcompensate for what he doesn't have when I can, but there has to be a balance or else it will only get worse.

Maybe the next time you're together you can have a heart to heart with her and explain that you love her and you want to be able to give her nice things as you're able but those things shouldn't be expected. It's definitely a hard conversation, especially when you feel bad for the situation that she's in, but if you don't make changes now, it will only get worse as she gets older.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

She is absolutely taking advantage of you. I'm not sure why visiting you = buying her a ton of stuff??? Why is she even expecting that? From the way you describe it, you are seen as a bank and nothing more to her. I'm so sorry but if you are uncomfortable with it, just say something funny next time she complains, like, "hey, you're welcome!" See how she responds. If she says, "oops, sorry, thanks!" then she is just not thinking in the moment. But if she reacts in a snotty way, then I would put a stop to the gift-giving immediately.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?

I would be annoyed. I don't have teenagers so I'm not sure if it's normal bu I do have a 10 year old & an 8 year old. It's not normal for them. If I found out they were responding to presents that way, I'd be furious & they'd probably be punished.

I agree with your mom that someone may not be teaching her. I'm not sure it's your job to do it but I think if it were me I'd speak to her. I'd want to be as generous as I could with someone who is clearly in a worse place than I am & I don't think I'd be able to do it & feel resentful each time.

I'd tell her that I'd love to be able to give her everything she wants but she seems to not appreciate anything you've done. I'd say there are times that you just bite your tongue & say "Thank you." Of course if something doesn't fit, you'd want to know but the first words should be a thank you.

Re: Would this upset you or is this just normal 12 yr old behavior?