Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Nothing is every wrong with what a responsible parent chooses to do. Every one is so different and every child is too. If you ever feel judged by me, please flame me, bang me on the head, shoot me, I really hate to judge, its not my place and its not fair ever.

But I feel "this new way" is often misunderstood and misrepresented, that's why I get so fired up about it.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

I’m with you. Military raised and it worked. Heck I was even mistreated but my father’s discipline was what got me through. I’ve seen the extreme and I can say it’s a fine line. It was my father’s way or no way. It was just that simple. But he did always make it clear why. He let me have a lot of leeway in this that were safe, fun or kid like but when it came to rules and safety, I learned quickly it wasn’t even worth trying to object.

Coddling my child isn’t an option. Its either/or. So yes I give her a choice but most of the time the two choices are not ones she would have wanted. You want marshmallows for dinner? No, you can have chicken or pasta. "Mm'allows". Chicken, pasta or nothing? Whine and complain - Time out, no options other than get over it".

I hope to never tell her no, just to be mean (like my stepmother). I have my reasons and as she grows up I will talk to her about each of them as much as I can. I don’t believe in utterly blind obedience (that was my mother). I think kids are more likely to listen (even if just begrudged) if they know WHY the answer is no.

I will spank her. I know its gonna happen. I am not ashamed of it. Not everyone can just be spoken to in order to get results. I won’t beat her. But she will learn there are consequences for actions.

I was abused for nearly 8yrs. I was terrified of life in general, public and my mother was a saint and a devil all in one. But my father never waivered in his discipline and with that structure, it helped me learn that love and discipline are not always painful but a spanking by Dad was better than other consequences and that he always did it to protect me, teach me and because he loved me.

I think we try so hard to be better parents (god knows I don’t want to be my mom or my stepmother) but I choose to instead emulate my father who I feel was a fantastic father even if this is in the face of popular notions of today’s society.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

at this stage of the game, everything is different. crazy.

what luce did at 15 months is now completely different at almost 21.

when he first starting hitting, we would redirect and say "no, gentle" and show him what gentle was and that worked great.

now, at THIS AGE, he does it when he's mad or angry.

gentle means NOTHING to him.

so, he is told that is unacceptable. and if he continues, whatever he was doing ends (bath time, books, sitting at the table with the family) and he cries.

I think at the crazy stage and is infant to toddler and beyond, it's hard to say something has "worked" b/c they are changing every.day.

what worked for me yesterday isn't what I employ today and probably won't work for me tomorrow.

I talk, I explain, but his choices come from how he wants to react to what I say...not what he gets to do. I feel like I have to be vigilant and consistent NOW to keep behaviors at bay later.

my son is pretty well behaved and extremely extremely happy. everyone always comments on how happy he is. I know he feels loved and respected AND that he is learning his boundaries and appropriate behavior.

so a long winded way of saying, I have no idea if I agree with it or not. I just have to trust my self and my instincts and see how he reacts and adapt. forever adapting.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

For those who say that their parents didn't use these methods for them and they turned out okay - how do you know? I mean most of us can't really remember stuff before age 3 so it's entirely possible that our parents disciplined exactly this way when we were little since it seems to work so well for a lot of toddlers, but as we got older and could understand more, as well as more defiant, they got stricter with us.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by headoverheels

For those who say that their parents didn't use these methods for them and they turned out okay - how do you know? I mean most of us can't really remember stuff before age 3 so it's entirely possible that our parents disciplined exactly this way when we were little since it seems to work so well for a lot of toddlers, but as we got older and could understand more, as well as more defiant, they got stricter with us.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by headoverheels

For those who say that their parents didn't use these methods for them and they turned out okay - how do you know? I mean most of us can't really remember stuff before age 3 so it's entirely possible that our parents disciplined exactly this way when we were little since it seems to work so well for a lot of toddlers, but as we got older and could understand more, as well as more defiant, they got stricter with us.

I promise you, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that my parents DID NOT employ this method. I have therapy bills and scars to prove it

I don't like their "method" either. they disciplined by fear and I wholeheartedly disagree with that.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by mommyIam

I follow RIE and I think it based on this exactly. Treat your child as a human person with needs and wants, but also act like a leader setting boundaries for acceptable behavior. There is no need for punishment when this works. I really hope I will never have to punish DS and can find as great solutions as I have so far.

I use the phrase "I will not let you, but you can do this.. or that ..." And it works magic. I have the most well behaved child and I made him that way.

My nephew has been in time outs since he was 1 for hitting, he's only gotten worse and more violent.
I really try not to judge, and my BIL and SIL are highly intelligent and incredibly stubborn. They make fun of me and what I do, and then say "wow, your son is patient and well behaved" If I start judging them, I have to judge a lot of people, its not worth my energy.

DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships. He takes out frustration on pillows if he needs to smack something around. But just letting him know, "I can see your frustrated" switches off the response and he's open to listening to me and what I have to explain to him about the world. And also gives him a channel in which to express what he is feeling and so the behavior becomes unnecessary.

If he gets crazy, I grab him, and tell him, I understand he's mad, upset, whatever ... but I will not let him get out of control. I haven't had to do this, I just say "I will not let you get out of control" and he switches ... its amazing, but it has taken a lot of time and a lot of patience and its a whole system of freedoms, respect and boundaries, and a lot of

There is never one right way to deal with everything. Every child is different, every parent is different, etc.

But fundamentally, I think we all need to stop for a second before we act, and try to see our child as a human being with complex thoughts and emotions.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by mommyIam

Posted by bicosi


This makes me chuckle.

I would call you "lucky" more than anything.. Your kid is under 2 years old and for you to say he will never do something ever again is jumping the gun...

your absolutely right, chuckle away

I have no place to say anything really, I have near no experience. But I didn't say "he will never ... " I said "he has never since ... " I'm naive and passionate but I'm not insane

If he does we'll try to deal with it the same way. If that doesn't work, we'll try something else... I'm open to always adapting if necessary. But I can't get over how well this works, and how much drama we've dodged with it.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by bicosi

Posted by mommyIam

Posted by bicosi


This makes me chuckle.

I would call you "lucky" more than anything.. Your kid is under 2 years old and for you to say he will never do something ever again is jumping the gun...

your absolutely right, chuckle away

I have no place to say anything really, I have near no experience. But I didn't say "he will never ... " I said "he has never since ... " I'm naive and passionate but I'm not insane

If he does we'll try to deal with it the same way. If that doesn't work, we'll try something else... I'm open to always adapting if necessary. But I can't get over how well this works, and how much drama we've dodged with it.

actually you did

you wrote

"DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships."

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

I agree 100% with this. most issues are power struggles. Toddlers are power hungry demons from hell. And they are full of ammo. If you engage in the battle with them, they almost always win. With a whole bunch of new skills that will serve as ammo for the next battle.

Shared control and compromise is the best way to go. Not negotiate - that won't work. but a set boundary of what you will do if they do so and so, yes.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by bicosi

Posted by mommyIam

I follow RIE and I think it based on this exactly. Treat your child as a human person with needs and wants, but also act like a leader setting boundaries for acceptable behavior. There is no need for punishment when this works. I really hope I will never have to punish DS and can find as great solutions as I have so far.

I use the phrase "I will not let you, but you can do this.. or that ..." And it works magic. I have the most well behaved child and I made him that way.

My nephew has been in time outs since he was 1 for hitting, he's only gotten worse and more violent.
I really try not to judge, and my BIL and SIL are highly intelligent and incredibly stubborn. They make fun of me and what I do, and then say "wow, your son is patient and well behaved" If I start judging them, I have to judge a lot of people, its not worth my energy.

DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships. He takes out frustration on pillows if he needs to smack something around. But just letting him know, "I can see your frustrated" switches off the response and he's open to listening to me and what I have to explain to him about the world. And also gives him a channel in which to express what he is feeling and so the behavior becomes unnecessary.

If he gets crazy, I grab him, and tell him, I understand he's mad, upset, whatever ... but I will not let him get out of control. I haven't had to do this, I just say "I will not let you get out of control" and he switches ... its amazing, but it has taken a lot of time and a lot of patience and its a whole system of freedoms, respect and boundaries, and a lot of

There is never one right way to deal with everything. Every child is different, every parent is different, etc.

But fundamentally, I think we all need to stop for a second before we act, and try to see our child as a human being with complex thoughts and emotions.

This makes me chuckle.

I would call you "lucky" more than anything.. Your kid is under 2 years old and for you to say he will never do something ever again is jumping the gun...

Message edited 7/15/2011 2:00:07 PM.

....

Message edited 3/7/2013 3:35:45 PM.

Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?

Posted by TaraHutch

Is there anyone else out me that feels like they don't have a freaking clue what they're doing with a toddler?

This whole "you will get this, if you do this" thing isn't quite making sense to her yet.

I said "oooh we get ice cream if you eat your dinner first" and she thought that meant ice cream for dinner! And then promptly flipped out when that wasn't the case. Then today, I said, "Do you want to go take a walk with Luca?" (her buddy down the street) and I of course had to go upstairs and get ready first. She went STRAIGHT for the door and freaked out when we weren't going at that very minute.

I'm learning.And I think she is too. Wording is everything and taking the time to really think things through and put yourself in their mindset.

When do they really get the cause-effect thing? Is this still too abstract for her at this age? (2) I don't think she gets the choice thing yet either.