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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
So I get weekly updates from Baby Center..this week is raising a well-behave toddler. here is what it says.. Im torn,, while I understand the reasoning behind it.. I sort of feel like.. umm b/c I said so and not give options ya know???
"What does discipline mean to you? Your definition of this fundamental part of parenting will determine your approach to it. If you think of disciplining your child as training him to do what you want him to do, you will be frustrated. On the other hand, if you think of discipline as teaching your child the limits of acceptable behavior, you will help him develop into a responsible and independent person.
To cut down on power struggles as your toddler strives for independence, make sure you treat him the way you'd like to be treated. Try compromise instead of commands — he'll respond more amicably. "You can't go outside right now," you might say if it's time for a nap instead, "but we can read a book now and take a nap and go outside later." Instead of "You must pick up the blocks before dinner," make it "I'll pick up the puzzle pieces if you pick up the blocks."
ETA:SO...I just feel like my mom would be  at me if she were here today.. Watching me talk to DS about the why's and giving options..ya know!!
She dind't do things like that (strict but loving Italian mom) and we were sooo well behaved and respectful...so If she did it this way... and it worked...why change it ya know??? (my way or the highway and b/c I said so parenting
Message edited 7/15/2011 12:17:47 PM.
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Posted 7/15/11 11:15 AM  |
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Long Island Weddings
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headoverheels
s'il vous plaît
Member since 6/07 42079 total posts
Name:
LB
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by Linda1003
To cut down on power struggles as your toddler strives for independence, make sure you treat him the way you'd like to be treated. Try compromise instead of commands — he'll respond more amicably. "You can't go outside right now," you might say if it's time for a nap instead, "but we can read a book now and take a nap and go outside later." Instead of "You must pick up the blocks before dinner," make it "I'll pick up the puzzle pieces if you pick up the blocks."
Those two quotes are things I say all the time... I really try to explain and reason everything to death with DS. He really responds better that way than if I say "no" or "we're not doing that." I will talk to him until I am blue in the face if it means he really gets it and avoids a meltdown.
I also give him choices up the wazoo, always have. It's all about control with them.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:22 AM |
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TessMike214
Gabriella Aubrey born 3/26!
Member since 5/10 2440 total posts
Name:
Tess
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I learned about this when I took a class in Developmental Psychology
I definitely agree with this and would love to use it when the time comes...my baby is only 7 1/2 months right now so it's obviously easier said than done, but I like this method
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:23 AM |
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4PsInaPod
My Loves <3
Member since 7/07 10079 total posts
Name:
D
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I think I kind of do this with Joey.
Like this morning he dumped out his cheerios on the floor, so I said please help Mommy pick them up and then we can play with your trucks.
Last night, he had just gotten out of his bath and DH brought him outside while I was watering the flowers (big mistake DH!). He wanted to get down and help me (of course), he started crying b/c Daddy said no. So I turned around and said "Joey, you cannot get down it's all wet, why don't we go inside and find monkey and baba (blanket) and read a book before bed" He said ok and that was the end.
NOW don't get me wrong. . is everything that smooth. . H e ll no! but I find myself compromising with him a lot b/c it keeps me cool 
There are times when I say no and that's that though & if he throws a fit about it, he gets left on the floor to throw his tantrum.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:25 AM |
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mamabear
LIF Adult
Member since 3/08 4539 total posts
Name:
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by headoverheels
Posted by Linda1003
To cut down on power struggles as your toddler strives for independence, make sure you treat him the way you'd like to be treated. Try compromise instead of commands — he'll respond more amicably. "You can't go outside right now," you might say if it's time for a nap instead, "but we can read a book now and take a nap and go outside later." Instead of "You must pick up the blocks before dinner," make it "I'll pick up the puzzle pieces if you pick up the blocks."
Those two quotes are things I say all the time... I really try to explain and reason everything to death with DS. He really responds better that way than if I say "no" or "we're not doing that." I will talk to him until I am blue in the face if it means he really gets it and avoids a meltdown.
I also give him choices up the wazoo, always have. It's all about control with them.
Same for me. I also say "tomorrow", "after dinner", "in the morning". There are certainly some flat out "nos" mixed it, but, for me, I do try to compromise a lot.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:25 AM |
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GoldenRod
10 years on LIF!
Member since 11/06 26792 total posts
Name:
Shawn
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Every child is different, every parent is different, every situation is different.... to give a blanket "proper" way to do something will never work.
If I give DS options, he will try and negotiate, pick apart the wording I used, and make a 1 minute discussion into half an hour debate. However, if I say "No". It ends there. There are many times when it's not up for debate. That's also how they have to learn to function in society. Sometimes as adults, we don't have a choice, and we need to be able to deal with it.
DD is very similar. Even when they were toddlers they would do this sometimes.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:27 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I think the examples you posted work for toddlers but at one point, I'm not picking up my kids' stuff. Either pick it up & learn that it will be missing
Toddlerhood is like an entirely different ballgame than anything else. They do want to learn independence & a lot of the struggle is "I do it myself" followed with they are just learning to communicate. Then they have all these new emotions. It's like puberty with someone that has no filter.
Posted by GoldenRod
Every child is different, every parent is different, every situation is different.... to give a blanket "proper" way to do something will never work.
Well said.
Message edited 7/15/2011 11:31:01 AM.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:30 AM |
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babybird2010
Baby brother coming soon!
Member since 3/10 2288 total posts
Name:
Jeanette
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I agree that its better to talk to them and explain things but I dont agree that I cant say "because I said so" or "you cant go outside now". Im the Mother Im the adult and the one they Need to listen to and respect. I make the rules because its my job. They dont need a bunch of choices. They need to learn that when Mom says something she means it and theres no negotiating! I mean If I say your wearing these shoes and they say I want to wear these ones...ok fine. But im not gonna say "Its time for a nap" when I just dont want them outside right now! I think kids these days have to many choices and it just makes it harder on them to make a decision and harder on the Parent to just do what they needed to do in the first place! This is just my opinion...no need for drama!
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:31 AM |
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wingsofsong
My 3 little loves <3<3<3
Member since 1/09 7395 total posts
Name:
Maureen
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I definitely agree with this. I have always hated the phrase "because I said so." (Nothing personal against OP!) I feel it's a sign of total disrespect for the child. I work in a preschool, so I deal with handling behavior all day long. I have ALWAYS been of the mindset that a child has just as much a valuable input on life and daily situations as an adult. Their thoughts, feelings, and opinions are valid and matter just as much as my own. I try to never say a flat out "no" to a child (my own or not), because I think they deserve an explanation as to why they can not do something, as well as a choice of appropriate alternatives. As a PP mentioned, toddlers are in a constant struggle for control, as they grow into themselves and learn independence. So much of their daily life is decided for them, that I feel it is crucial to give them choices whenever possible.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:38 AM |
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TaraHutch
True beauty
Member since 10/07 9888 total posts
Name:
Tara
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Is there anyone else out me that feels like they don't have a freaking clue what they're doing with a toddler?
This whole "you will get this, if you do this" thing isn't quite making sense to her yet.
I said "oooh we get ice cream if you eat your dinner first" and she thought that meant ice cream for dinner! And then promptly flipped out when that wasn't the case. Then today, I said, "Do you want to go take a walk with Luca?" (her buddy down the street) and I of course had to go upstairs and get ready first. She went STRAIGHT for the door and freaked out when we weren't going at that very minute.
I'm learning.And I think she is too. Wording is everything and taking the time to really think things through and put yourself in their mindset.
When do they really get the cause-effect thing? Is this still too abstract for her at this age? (2) I don't think she gets the choice thing yet either.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:49 AM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I follow RIE and I think it based on this exactly. Treat your child as a human person with needs and wants, but also act like a leader setting boundaries for acceptable behavior. There is no need for punishment when this works. I really hope I will never have to punish DS and can find as great solutions as I have so far.
I use the phrase "I will not let you, but you can do this.. or that ..." And it works magic. I have the most well behaved child and I made him that way.
My nephew has been in time outs since he was 1 for hitting, he's only gotten worse and more violent.
I really try not to judge, and my BIL and SIL are highly intelligent and incredibly stubborn. They make fun of me and what I do, and then say "wow, your son is patient and well behaved" If I start judging them, I have to judge a lot of people, its not worth my energy.
DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships. He takes out frustration on pillows if he needs to smack something around. But just letting him know, "I can see your frustrated" switches off the response and he's open to listening to me and what I have to explain to him about the world. And also gives him a channel in which to express what he is feeling and so the behavior becomes unnecessary.
If he gets crazy, I grab him, and tell him, I understand he's mad, upset, whatever ... but I will not let him get out of control. I haven't had to do this, I just say "I will not let you get out of control" and he switches ... its amazing, but it has taken a lot of time and a lot of patience and its a whole system of freedoms, respect and boundaries, and a lot of
There is never one right way to deal with everything. Every child is different, every parent is different, etc.
But fundamentally, I think we all need to stop for a second before we act, and try to see our child as a human being with complex thoughts and emotions.
Message edited 7/15/2011 12:08:44 PM.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:51 AM |
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mamabear
LIF Adult
Member since 3/08 4539 total posts
Name:
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by TaraHutch
Is there anyone else out me that feels like they don't have a freaking clue what they're doing with a toddler?
This whole "you will get this, if you do this" thing isn't quite making sense to her yet.
I said "oooh we get ice cream if you eat your dinner first" and she thought that meant ice cream for dinner! And then promptly flipped out when that wasn't the case. Then today, I said, "Do you want to go take a walk with Luca?" (her buddy down the street) and I of course had to go upstairs and get ready first. She went STRAIGHT for the door and freaked out when we weren't going at that very minute.
I'm learning.And I think she is too. Wording is everything and taking the time to really think things through and put yourself in their mindset.
When do they really get the cause-effect thing? Is this still too abstract for her at this age? (2) I don't think she gets the choice thing yet either.
There was a world of difference between 2 and 2.5. At 2, I had very similar experiences--she would think she understood, but not quite, and then get upset. I just kept explaining and by 2.5, she knows exactly what I mean and can even negotiate on her own a little. keep doing it--there will be frustration on both parts, but eventually it will click.
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| Posted 7/15/11 11:56 AM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by TaraHutch
Is there anyone else out me that feels like they don't have a freaking clue what they're doing with a toddler?
This whole "you will get this, if you do this" thing isn't quite making sense to her yet.
I said "oooh we get ice cream if you eat your dinner first" and she thought that meant ice cream for dinner! And then promptly flipped out when that wasn't the case. Then today, I said, "Do you want to go take a walk with Luca?" (her buddy down the street) and I of course had to go upstairs and get ready first. She went STRAIGHT for the door and freaked out when we weren't going at that very minute.
I'm learning.And I think she is too. Wording is everything and taking the time to really think things through and put yourself in their mindset.
When do they really get the cause-effect thing? Is this still too abstract for her at this age? (2) I don't think she gets the choice thing yet either.
Wording is key, you want to keep it as simple as possible. And the whole "if you do .. you get ..." doesn't work for us ever, even though DS is an amazing listener and understand everything. They get too distracted by the end result they try to get to it the easier route. She's smarter than you think, with your wording actually, she's realized dinner is an option she can forgo, but since she really wants the ice cream, she's going to fight for that.
What I would do with the dinner situation, is this. There is no option as not eating dinner.. .well at least I put forth there is none.
I give two choices, and only those choices and sit it in front of him and that's it. He eats, or he doesn't. I will still offer him fruit if he doesn't eat, but not until he's sat there with that food in front of him for at least 10 minutes. We can talk about other things we can look at books while we do it, but there is no talk about the dessert. The dessert either just happens or it doesn't. Its not related to dinner. Its a treat.
Just remember with your wording, what options are you giving her that she actually wants to take. If the only option is going outside, then thats all she wants, what else is she supposed to do, just wait around for you? How about, "help mommy pick out a shirt to wear upstairs and we'll go see Luca"
Message edited 7/15/2011 12:06:04 PM.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:00 PM |
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leighdvm
My golden boys!
Member since 3/06 4419 total posts
Name:
Michele
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by mommyIam
DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships. He takes out frustration on pillows if he needs to smack something around. But just letting him know, "I can see your frustrated" switches off the response and he's open to listening to me and what I have to explain to him about the world. And also gives him a channel in which to express what he is feeling and so the behavior becomes unnecessary.
How exactly did you nip it? My one son likes to hit and it seems like we have tried everything.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:08 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
We give choices like crazy- it gives them an element of control. Just now they were both turning their noses up at having sandwiches for lunch- we were on the verge of a meltdown until I said, "Do you want a triangle or circle sandwich?" Mads had a circle, Eliza had a triangle. Done.
Does it always work? Nope.
BTW- the whole "first _____, then ______" is a higher level concept and difficult for most toddlers. Verbal cause and effect is pretty abstract thinking, so keep offering it but don't get discouraged that she doesn't "get it".
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:09 PM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
Name:
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
I am so petrified reading all of this LOL
DD JUST started having tantrums. My parents took her to the store yesterday and she saw a ball - when she realized she couldnt play with it she screamed the entire way out of the store   she is not even a YEAR old!!!!
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:11 PM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
SO...I just feel like my mom would be at me if she were here today.. Watching me talk to DS about the why's and giving options..ya know!!
She dind't do things like that (strict but loving Italian mom) and we were sooo well behaved and respectful...so If she did it this why... and it worked...why change it ya know??? (my way or the highway and b/c I said so parenting)
ETA: I should put this in the op...
Message edited 7/15/2011 12:16:54 PM.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:16 PM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by leighdvm
Posted by mommyIam
DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships. He takes out frustration on pillows if he needs to smack something around. But just letting him know, "I can see your frustrated" switches off the response and he's open to listening to me and what I have to explain to him about the world. And also gives him a channel in which to express what he is feeling and so the behavior becomes unnecessary.
How exactly did you nip it? My one son likes to hit and it seems like we have tried everything.
Does he understand the word hurt?
I can tell you in general, but if you have a specific scenario, ask me about it. I'm not an expert, but I really feel I got the gist of it down really well.
If he's hit me, I stop, get to his eye level, I grab his hand and look him straight into the eye and say "When you hit me, it hurts me" "I wont let you hurt me" "If you want to hit, you can hit this pillow, but please be gentle with mommy" and I show him how to stroke my arm gently.
Usually he was doing just to get a reaction or testing things out. But sometimes he'd do it out of frustration, like diaper change, in this case he was more of a kicker.
I grab his feet and say "You hurt me, I wont let you" Hold his feet and say, "I know you are frustrated, I know you don't like xyz, you can say no!, scream no! if you want, you can be angry with me, but I will not let you hurt me!"
give them another option, that is socially acceptable, but that is just as satisfying to their needs to express.
I talk to DS and I expect his attention. I look him straight in the eye and expect him to look back. I get on his level, I slow down. Everything is slow and gentle, never ever rush, or be hasty, or be angry. If you do get angry, just react naturally and honestly. "Mommy is very angry right now, I am going to go ... whatever to calm myself" It shows an example of what they can do too.
I started "talking" to him like this around 8m and it felt crazy, like what does he understand? I swear by 9m he was understanding EVERYTHING! I just had to expect him to. I had to take the time and slowly explain and talk.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:18 PM |
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Porrruss
Nya nya nya
Member since 5/05 11618 total posts
Name:
Amy
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
We're talking about TODDLERS here- not school-aged. Toddlers are a totally different animal. They're just learning about their ability to control their environment and want to be little dictators. So EVERYTHING becomes a battle of wills. If you can give them the feeling that they have just a little bit of control, compliance is usually more likely to be acheived (note: LIKELY, not always).
Giving choices isn't about giving in.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:21 PM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by Linda1003
SO...I just feel like my mom would be at me if she were here today.. Watching me talk to DS about the why's and giving options..ya know!!
She dind't do things like that (strict but loving Italian mom) and we were sooo well behaved and respectful...so If she did it this why... and it worked...why change it ya know??? (my way or the highway and b/c I said so parenting)
ETA: I should put this in the op...
My parents raised me like this. I grew up resentful and hating them for it. Everything was so "my way, or no way" I definitely swayed away from this parenting style because of it.
It also made me very impulsive when I was free of their discipline. I think it made me seek too much freedom too fast. I went from perfect angel to being very self destructive and fell fast and hard to set myself straight. It wasn't necessary. I was always mad at them for not seeing me as a human, and not just their offspring to control. I went through a lot psychologically, it wasn't good for me. I don't know it may be good for others, but it was terrible for me.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:24 PM |
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Linda1003
love my 2 boys
Member since 8/08 10923 total posts
Name:
Linda
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by mommyIam
Posted by Linda1003
SO...I just feel like my mom would be at me if she were here today.. Watching me talk to DS about the why's and giving options..ya know!!
She dind't do things like that (strict but loving Italian mom) and we were sooo well behaved and respectful...so If she did it this why... and it worked...why change it ya know??? (my way or the highway and b/c I said so parenting)
ETA: I should put this in the op...
My parents raised me like this. I grew up resentful and hating them for it. Everything was so "my way, or no way" I definitely swayed away from this parenting style because of it.
It also made me very impulsive when I was free of their discipline. I think it made me seek too much freedom too fast. I went from perfect angel to being very self destructive and fell fast and hard to set myself straight. It wasn't necessary. I was always mad at them for not seeing me as a human, and not just their offspring to control. I went through a lot psychologically, it wasn't good for me. I don't know it may be good for others, but it was terrible for me.
Yeah I didn't feel that way.. I grew up never wanting to disappoint my mother and it kept me pretty well behaved and respectful..
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:29 PM |
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ChrisDee
My Girls
Member since 11/06 9543 total posts
Name:
Christine
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by mommyIam
I follow RIE and I think it based on this exactly. Treat your child as a human person with needs and wants, but also act like a leader setting boundaries for acceptable behavior. There is no need for punishment when this works. I really hope I will never have to punish DS and can find as great solutions as I have so far.
I use the phrase "I will not let you, but you can do this.. or that ..." And it works magic. I have the most well behaved child and I made him that way.
My nephew has been in time outs since he was 1 for hitting, he's only gotten worse and more violent.
I really try not to judge, and my BIL and SIL are highly intelligent and incredibly stubborn. They make fun of me and what I do, and then say "wow, your son is patient and well behaved" If I start judging them, I have to judge a lot of people, its not worth my energy.
DS started hitting around 9m. We nipped it, then and he will not do it again ever. Not around me not around anyone, he understand the behavior is corrosive to his relationships. He takes out frustration on pillows if he needs to smack something around. But just letting him know, "I can see your frustrated" switches off the response and he's open to listening to me and what I have to explain to him about the world. And also gives him a channel in which to express what he is feeling and so the behavior becomes unnecessary.
If he gets crazy, I grab him, and tell him, I understand he's mad, upset, whatever ... but I will not let him get out of control. I haven't had to do this, I just say "I will not let you get out of control" and he switches ... its amazing, but it has taken a lot of time and a lot of patience and its a whole system of freedoms, respect and boundaries, and a lot of
There is never one right way to deal with everything. Every child is different, every parent is different, etc.
But fundamentally, I think we all need to stop for a second before we act, and try to see our child as a human being with complex thoughts and emotions.
How old is your child/children ? Do you think this is practical for an older child?
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:35 PM |
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Daisy32
Mommy
Member since 2/08 8081 total posts
Name:
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by Linda1003
SO...I just feel like my mom would be at me if she were here today.. Watching me talk to DS about the why's and giving options..ya know!!
She dind't do things like that (strict but loving Italian mom) and we were sooo well behaved and respectful...so If she did it this why... and it worked...why change it ya know??? (my way or the highway and b/c I said so parenting)
ETA: I should put this in the op...
My Italian mom was the same way with me and my 3 siblings.....and she now has 4 well educated, respectful, good hearted adults  So ITA....nothing wrong with this type of parenting either. 
Message edited 7/15/2011 12:37:24 PM.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:36 PM |
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mommyIam
Member since 7/09 9209 total posts
Name:
Shana
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Posted by ChrisDee
How old is your child/children ? Do you think this is practical for an older child?
DS is 16m but everything I've read leads me to think, its absolutely practical.
I love The peaceful parent institute for older kids. http://www.peaceful-parent.com/
I subscribe to their facebook and there is always lively discussion on how to deal with various challenges like discipline...
"When our child is 'misbehaving', often we want them to attune to our discomfort and then take care of us by shifting their behavior. When we are able to attune to their discomfort and soothe them, attending to their need and staying regulated, they can easily attach to us as a safe loving care giver."
If you are unsure of this, take a second and think of how you respond to another normal adult that is "misbehaving" in general and not against you. Take your self out of the equation and take the subordination out for a second.
"what the hell is wrong with you? something happen? Do you feel unwell? Have a bad day? You angry at me?"
You are basically doing exactly this with a child.
"I can see your really upset, want to talk about it, and grab a cup of coffee, or do you want to be left alone?"
Imagine you are this angry irrational adult, how nice to be treated this way 
Message edited 7/15/2011 12:53:31 PM.
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:46 PM |
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LulaBell
:)
Member since 1/06 3508 total posts
Name:
J
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Re: speaking of discipline..do you agree with this?
Back to the original question, I think both ways are fine, depending on what works for you. My grandma is very old, and therefore old school, lol, and she thinks it's crazy that I give DD as many options as I do, but it works for me. "Because I said so" doesn't work for my child, so I try to give her the choice between two options that I am okay with and let her verbalize her decision. It makes her content and has helped her language to develop as well. She was really difficult around 18-19 months bc she couldn't express verbally what she wanted, but now that she speaks in sentence she is much more peaceful and pleasant.
Do what works for you
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| Posted 7/15/11 12:50 PM |
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