Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

I will try to explain to you what happened to me.

we spoke a bit throughout my pregnancy so I know you have some background.

Luce's birth was an explosion. a sonic boom.

everything in my life...ever particle of matter went Hiroshima with his first gasp of air.

it was the LAST gasp of air I ever took that was for me. every one since has been for him.

and yes, it just happened. it was immediate. it was instantaneous. it was the most perfect thing ever.

I co sleep b/c I need to watch him breath. b/c i breast feed him b/c it is the BEST thing I can do for him. every decision is based on what is best for HIM...any hardship on my end is....a nothing. an insignificant nothing in the grand scheme of all that is my son.

he is everything. I am nothing. and it is perfect. and I would not want it to be different. b/c I know one day it just will be. he gets less and less dependent on me every day. every moment is cherished and savored.

he will not always want to sleep with me. he will not always need my arms to fall asleep in. he will not always need me to mash his sweet potatoes in to an oblivion.

so as long as he needs me, I humbly submit myself to him.

I dare you to find the old Jessica.

ETA:

I found an interesting post of mine about 2 weeks before Luce was born. here is my text:

as the day draws nearer and nearer (could be today, even...) I find myself having trouble wrapping my head around what is happening here.

I find myself likening pregnancy to a state of being...and I keep thinking about my life going back to "normal" once I am not pregnant any more.

but this "temporary" condition of pregnancy leaves me with one very permanent (and lovely and beautiful and sweet as pie smelling ) "side effect" and I cannot even begin to envision what that means for the "normal" I still anticipate getting back to once I stop sharing the inside of my body with Newton.

I keep thinking about the first time I'll be able to have sex...to go out with dh and have a rockin good time...to hang out with friends, plan parties...DO stuff that I haven't done the way I am used to in the last 9 months.

and then, I think about my baby. and being with it and singing to it and standing in our yard while daddy chops wood for the fire (we did this yesterday and even though Newton couldn't see, the sound of the axe hitting the wood was making him/her flutter about like mad ) everything about this baby...from anticipating 3 am diaper blowouts to chapped nipples to uncontrollable/inconsolable crying fests to it's first Thanksgiving and Halloween has me TEEMING with excitment, anxiety, and love. and possibility.

but then I pair that up with my other thoughts and reality hits.

I won't have a normal to go back to. we will have to recreate a new normal. and I am scared of that too. I am scared that some of the things I treasure about my old life will not translate to this new one. and I am equally afraid that I may not want them too....and I don't know if I am ready for ME to change. I don't know if I am ready for the changes already made in my life to become permanent.

but I am so excited that my baby is.

I am sure this is beyond weird and possibly will get me burned...but it's just my honest if not convoluted thoughts. the inner workings of a first-time mom on the brink.....

thanks for reading. Posted 10/5/09 2:05 PM

Message edited 4/5/2010 5:55:52 PM.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Posted by Ophelia



I will try to explain to you what happened to me.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

You will mourn the loss of your old normal and will suddenly one day realize you have a new normal and it ain't half bad.

I did NOT have instantaneous love for my first DD. I had no incredible rush of joyful emotion upon laying my eyes on her. I felt detached and overwhelmed at how scared I was- and I wanted her off of me so I could just lay back and enjoy the feeling of not being in labor. And later I resented the loss of my previously comfortable, predictable life.

I confessed this to my mother, crying and wondering if I had PPD. I didn't feel sad, and I felt this "need" to care for DD, but it didn't feel this ridiculously heady feeling of "love" that people described. I just felt a sense of duty. My mother is so wise. She looked at me like a crazy woman and said, "You just MET this little stranger..... how can you expect to love her immediately?" I don't know when it happend, but suddenly one day I just "felt" it- and I never looked back.

When Eliza was born, it was totally different. I had that rush of love. So much that I could barely breathe. I even looked at my husband with tears and said, "Oh my God.... this is so different." I likened it to "understanding" what it is to love as a mother. Before having Madelyn, I had no idea how to love as someone's mother. I knew how to love as a wife, as a sister, as an aunt, as a friend. But not as a mother.

Some people may understand that love better, are more open to it before actually becoming a mother, perhaps I wasn't. Maybe I was missing the "mom gene". Regardless, I have it now. My girls are my whole existence. For now I am proud to be "mommy" because I know in just a few years I'll find "myself" again. I try to revist my old self every so often- by going to dinner with friends sans kids, by having a spa day, etc. Those visits are nice, but I'm happy to my "new" self as well.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

I was that person who put my needs above everyone else, for the most part.

Once DD arrived, my meals are now cold, I rarely get time to myself, when I was working--I obsessed over getting home to her, I don't sleep in EVER (which I always LOVED), and I took the time to make myself look really good (exercise, mani's and pedi's and so on regulary).

Now it's all about her. Don't know how it happened, but it did. I love to make her happy!

But don't get me wrong, there are times when I really lose my patience. IE I was eating dinner the other night and she was hanging on me saying "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy....I love you, mommy....." I need space sometimes.

You will get the mommy gene once DC arrives. It's an adjustment. But WELL worth it.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Posted by Tilde

Posted by Ophelia



I will try to explain to you what happened to me.

Thanks for taking the time to write all this out for me and find the old post.

Confession time, your posts are the ones that made me feel like whoa, maybe I am not ready for this. I am selfish and lazy and my poor baby deserves someone who is willing to do so much more for him/her.

I guess I just have to find my new normal, when the time comes - whatever that ends up being.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

There is such a great great mix of moms on this one thread, and totally different attitudes on being am mom - I love it, it was so helpful to read!!!

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Posted by CrankyPants

Posted by NervousNell

Posted by MarisaK

Posted by CrankyPants

Posted by NervousNell

Oh my God I could have written this myself.
Everyone is like oh you won't WANT to go back to work after the baby comes.
Now let's just put the money aside for a second.
Even if my husband made enough to support us all, I can NEVER picture myself staying home all day with a baby.
I love my job, love my career, love getting up, getting dressed up all pretty and going to work.
Love the social aspect of it too.
I feel like a horrible person for it- but other times I think it will make me a BETTER mother in the long run.

Not to mention- like you- i enjoy time alone with the DH, vacations for adults only, sleep, etc.

I definitely am missing some mommy gene...

You are not missing the mommy gene at all-there is a secret group of us that is growing. We enjoy working, feel it makes us a better parent because we work, some of us could be SAHMs but choose not to be.

We are great moms-we are just working moms

It's a secret society - We'll initiate you after the baby is born !!!

However, there are rules:
Leaving the house w/ spit up all over your clothes is not endearing, and you will change before going to work, or buy stock in clorox wipes ........
Mommy Jeans are STRICTLY forbidden....
We will not call CPS on you if you leave your child with Grandma on Saturday night and drink too much wine ..........
No one will chastize you for groaning at 2AM when you have to get your tush out of bed to feed the baby.........
Changing diapers is NOT on the top of the 'fun things to dol list ......you do it w/ a smile b/c you have to, but you don't have to enjoy it.........
You are permitted to admit frustration, exhaustion, anxiety, etc etc w/o being made to feel as if you're a horrible mother who can't get her sh*t together ........
You are permitted to CHOOSE to go to work, even if you 'can afford to stay at home' .........
You are required to realize that you are a fabulous Mother - with no need to compare yourself to any 'other' Mother -

Thanks to both of you for this!
I needed it!
I am so tired of people- even ones who dont' have children- telling me how everything will change once I have the baby and my plans to work will be out the window.
Why? And how do YOU know?
God it aggrevates me to NO END!!!

These posts were great!

We will share the secret hand shake with you when you come over to the parenting board

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Posted by Tilde

Posted by Ophelia



I will try to explain to you what happened to me.

Thanks for taking the time to write all this out for me and find the old post.

Confession time, your posts are the ones that made me feel like whoa, maybe I am not ready for this. I am selfish and lazy and my poor baby deserves someone who is willing to do so much more for him/her.

I guess I just have to find my new normal, when the time comes - whatever that ends up being.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Posted by Ophelia

Posted by Tilde

Posted by Ophelia



I will try to explain to you what happened to me.

Thanks for taking the time to write all this out for me and find the old post.

Confession time, your posts are the ones that made me feel like whoa, maybe I am not ready for this. I am selfish and lazy and my poor baby deserves someone who is willing to do so much more for him/her.

I guess I just have to find my new normal, when the time comes - whatever that ends up being.

I don't really like the idea of that...b/c that is not my intention when I express myself but I will say this...

I never ever would have pictured myself feeling the way I do before I got pregnant, or while I was pregnant. Like Amy said, it's different for everyone. I guess the point of this thread is that it's something you cannot feel now b/c it hasn't happened yet. but it WILL happen.

you WILL (even begrudgingly, which is OK) put your child before yourself. you WILL meet his/her needs first b/c it is what we as animals are PROGRAMED to do. it is in our nature.

I am not saying that you won't send him/her off for the weekend to grandma's...or want to feel things for yourself again (we all do.)

what I am saying is that when your baby calls, you will answer it. the love reserves you are building and carrying with you will suddenly be available to tap. you will find the strength to do what needs to be done.

and it's b/c of so many more reasons...scientific...biological reasons that just some crazy love.

it is what our species MUST do to survive and so we do it. the crazy love is just a bonus.

we all express our emotions/feelings/love in different ways. please don't look at what I say as any reflection on you. we are all different. I am a crazy insane blurter. I go to eleven. I always have. it doesn't mean that I don't WANT to sleep. or shave my legs ( ) or eat without a boy in my lap. I DO. I am not perfect. I just tap into my feelings maybe more openly than others do. and for whatever reason, express them the way I do. I feel badly I will shut up now.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

Posted by Tilde

This is about ME not about you, don't make it about you You know what I mean though, this is just MY strange issue.

Re: Is anyone missing the mommy gene?

I honestly don't think you can predict how you'll feel once your baby is here... there are so many things that change!

I ALWAYS rolled my eyes at co-sleeping... thought it was insane and would ruin a relationship, blah blah blah...

but as you mentioned... i NEED my sleep! I found out IN the hospital that the best way I slept was with the baby on me! He slept.. I slept... DH slept! It was never my intention AT ALL... but after trying to get the baby to sleep in the pack n' play and in the crib and him literally NOT sleeping all night... we bought the arms reach co-sleeper which he HATED, we got the cosleeper that goes IN the bed and he hated it... he'd only sleep in my arms (at night). Listen, before and while I was pregnant I would have LAUGHED and thought it was ridiculous.. but now it's what works for us! Who knew?

And I went back to work after 6 weeks... and while it was hard, it's totally doable!

I love my baby more than anything... I couldn't have ever imagined the love that I would have for him! I just want to be near him... hold him, kiss him, love him!

Even my DH has changed in so many ways. He's SO affectionate with Loey - which is very unlike him!

Another this is BFing. I was always of the mindset that I'd TRY it and if it worked great, and if not... oh well. But once he was born and I got that first chance to BF him... it seemed SO natural! I knew I wanted to make it work. And while there were times that I wanted to CRY (and I did) and quit... I worked through it because I wanted to. KWIM?

There are honestly just so many things that you can't predict! You can't know how you'll feel. Things change. Your emotions change, your hormones change... your whole life changes!

Everyone told us we'd never go out to dinner again... meanwhile, we still go out (with the baby) every Friday night and we've been doing that since he was (gasp) like three weeks old!