Feeling Blue...

I am in the middle of my 4th cycle TTC. It has only been 4months, DH and I both healthy and (relatively) young, we have absolutely no time pressure, and everything else in our lives (finances, family) is going just fine. So I really have no business being all down and cynical, but I can't help it, I really am just so miserable throughout this whole process. The first BFN was an unpleasant surprise, the second made me angry, and the third just plain hurt. I was so upset about it, it took me until about 3 days before O the next cycle to really feel emotionally ready to gear myself up to try cycle #4.

I am so grateful for this forum, and I truly enjoy having you ladies to talk to about stuff, but I'm going to be perfectly honest - when people post about their BFPs, my stomach turns and I can't bring myself to read the thread - I am so insanely jealous. For some reason I have this awful feeling like it is simply just never going to happen to me. A friend a work today told me she was pregnant, and I am so embarrassed at how I reacted - I could barely muster up enthusiasm, and I felt horrible about that (she said she totally understood, she is actually one of the very few people who knows we are TTC). And of course, she got pregnant on the first try - she and her husband just "weren't being careful." GRR!!

I am kind of surprised about how upset all this is making me. I don't want to hear that relaxing helps with TTC - I can't help how I feel, and then I feel anxious about feeling anxious, and its a vicious cycle.
I kind of think I would feel better if I could talk to somebody about all this, but we are being extremely secretive about TTC, only 2 friends know - one is pregnant and the other gets pregnant when her DH looks at her a certain way, so they haven't been through this. DH listens to me and is wonderful, but he has trouble understanding why I am so negative about stuff, and just worries about me. I really really really think talking to my mom would make me feel better, but for years I have dreamed of the special moment I get to tell my mom I am pregnant, and I don't want to taint that, I don't want to take away the surprise element.

I dont know why I'm writing all this, and if you've gotten this far I thank you immensely - guess I'm just wondering if I'm totally out of line or if anyone else has felt this way. It definitely helps to have you guys, you are such a great outlet - its so different from wedding planning, everybody in your life wants to hear about it, with TTC its such a big secret. Anyway... I know that moment I get a BFP this will all be gone, but for now it totally sucks, way more than I would have expected.

Re: Feeling Blue...

I think it's normal. I'm on 7 months post miscarriage and I feel that way every month.

I did a blog post about the relax part of it
psa: never say relax

You are right, you can't help how you feel. But remember...and it's hard, that the average person takes 6 months, so try not to be too hard on yourself. I know that is sooo difficult.

But being jealous is normal, just don't let that ruin relationships, because when you get your BFP you are going to want to shout it from teh rooftops and want people to be happy for you...

so hang in there!!!

Re: Feeling Blue...

First of all, everything that you are feeling is 100% normal in the given situation. TTC sux and theres no getting around it. Yes, there are the lucky few who get their BFP right away and then there are the few who go months and months for no apparent reason. That is enough to drive anyone insane

Secondly, I understand completely about picturing the day you get to tell your mom you are pregnant, I day dream about that constantly. But if you feel like talking with her would help you get through the ttc process then you really should. I mean I bet she would hate to know that you were feeling this way and keeping it from her. And you can still give her that amazing moment when you tell her you finally got your BFP, just because she knows you are trying does not ruin the suprise of the words "I AM PREGNANT"

Take a deep breath and regroup and call your mom

Re: Feeling Blue...

Im sorry your feeling so down. I know its such a hard process and I wish there were something to say to make you feel better. I know we''ve all heard it a million times but our time will come, there is a perfect time when we are meant to get out BFP even if its not when we want it and I know it really sucks waiting!! believe me you have no idea. its ok to feel upset and jealous but try not to let it over take you. I have felt the way you have many times and I wanted to be happy but it was so hard for me and it was overtaking me but i came to realize that it wasnt my time and there was nothing I could do about it. And when our times comes I hope eveyone is happy for us and if they are not then atleast maybe we will be able to understand how they feel since you never know they might be in the position we were in. Our time will come and it will be so special!!!

Message edited 4/5/2010 5:13:28 PM.

Re: Feeling Blue...

just wanted to give you lots of

EVERYTHING you are feeling is totally normal!

Re: Feeling Blue...

Posted by olliesmama

Secondly, I understand completely about picturing the day you get to tell your mom you are pregnant, I day dream about that constantly. But if you feel like talking with her would help you get through the ttc process then you really should. I mean I bet she would hate to know that you were feeling this way and keeping it from her. And you can still give her that amazing moment when you tell her you finally got your BFP, just because she knows you are trying does not ruin the suprise of the words "I AM PREGNANT"

Take a deep breath and regroup and call your mom

Re: Feeling Blue...

Believe me, I know how you feel. I'm at this for 9 months and for several of those months I didn't even stand a chance because I wasn't ovulating for the first few off BCP, then my LP was too short. It still is, only I didn't O last month due to UTI. And I have no clue what the dilly is this month. So needless to say, like you, I am completely and utterly frustrated.

I don't have any words of wisdom for you, otherwise, I wouldn't feel this way, too. But I despite all my frustration, I still do believe that it's going to happen for me, so I believe it'll happen for you, too.

I originally didn't tell my mom, but then I had to go for some testing and I had one of those "I need my mommy" moments and I broke down and told her. I don't doubt that when I deliver the good news, it'll still be like I pictured it--the great surprise! I don't talk to her every day about it--only when I seriously need to vent. Sometimes there's no one better to talk to than your mother. If you feel it might help you, I would.

Message edited 4/5/2010 5:40:52 PM.

Re: Feeling Blue...

Please try not to beat yourself up. What you are feeling is completely normal. It is a tough road. Know that we are all here at any time.

Re: Feeling Blue...

Everything you're feeling is normal. All of us felt like this before. I was a mess last month, after our 6th BFN. It doesn't help when people are insensitive idiots.

But... I've spent the past few weeks looking for the "upside" to all this. There ARE silver linings here. I realized a few things:

If I got a BRP right away, I never would've learned as much about how my body works. Temping and reading and LIF have taught me innumerable things.

This process has made me more sensitive to other people. I'll never say "just relax" or ask someone when they're having a baby ever again.

It made me lean on DH more in lieu of my friends. I love my husband, but I always thought my girlfriends understood me best. That all changed with TTC. They didn't really "get" TTC though, while DH did. Helping each other get through our surprise and disappointment each month made our marriage stronger.

It will happen for you. It will!

Re: Feeling Blue...

I wish I could personally hug each and every one of you!!

Thank you all so much for your kind words... its amazing, I felt so helpless and alone, and within 30 minutes of posting this I had so many kind and supportive responses...

I think if this cycle is a BFN again, I may just talk to my mom about it. Thanks for suggesting it.

thank you ladies, so much.
and to all!!

Re: Feeling Blue...

Hugs I also blamed myself for feeling down after out first month of TTC ( currently it is our second), but you can not do much with the way you feel. It is better to accept it and allow yourself be angry, jealous and mad. I promised myself not to obssess until month 6, but... i am already crazy about month 2 feel better

Re: Feeling Blue...

I feel like I could have written your exact same post except we've been at it for 10 months. Every month is tough and really, there is nothing I can write that is going to make this easier - it just stinks sometimes.

I know that it is hard to read about BFP's. I feel bad saying it but sometimes I do not open those posts because it is too much for me as well.

I have to say, whenever I see your username it makes me You seem like an optimistic person - keep it up!! Our time will come, it's just unfortunately not when we want anymore.

Re: Feeling Blue...

I know how you feel.... it's so frustrating to hear how easy it can be for some people and for others its so hard.
Just try to stay positive and think the best!

Re: Feeling Blue...

Posted by WishingforBaby

I have to say, whenever I see your username it makes me You seem like an optimistic person - keep it up!! Our time will come, it's just unfortunately not when we want anymore.

Re: Feeling Blue...

I just want you to know that I feel EXACTLY the same as you very often. It's so hard because you're having an internal battle with yourself and either way you lose. I too am young, healthy and have never had any fert issues thus far. We have been actively TTC for 3 months now, although we stopped being careful back in September (at which point I had started monitoring CM and tracking my cycles very closely). I had just assumed that after over a decade of trying NOT to get pregnant, it would be easy when I finally did want to. I also always wanted it to be more of a surprise for me and for DH but unfortunately I couldn't hold out so now here we are using a CBEFM and preseed among other ridiculous rituals I've adopted that are supposed to "help".

Just know you are not alone in this and that we are all here for whenever you need to vent

Re: Feeling Blue...

We all have had or will have the same feelings at one point on our ttc journey. Just know you're not alone!