Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

I'm so disappointed in DH
I've been planning a drug free birth and after taking Bradley classes together DH seemed to be on board.

Last night, he was texting his cousin who is studying for the MCATS and had earlier posted on my FB page, "I hope you're not doing this without drugs" in response to my update of the baby's current weight (7lbs 11oz). She and her family know that I have been planning on going natural and like the majority of other people I've told, have been pretty unsupportive of my decision.....but I digress.

Me, being the nosy person that I am, checked DH's phone and this was the gist of the conversation with his cousin:

Cousin: Dina's going all natural??
DH: Yeah, in the beginning I thought she was crazy. Now I'm just whatever.
Cousin: I just read in my MCAT book that you only have a certain time window to get the epi.....blah blah...so make sure you let her know this when she's in labor.
DH: Oh I will, I will be a good coach

OK first of all, because this little snot reads 1 paragraph in her MCAT book, that suddenly makes her an expert???? Like I haven't thought, researched, read about all of my options the last 9 months and I'm just some kind of retard that is making an uneducated decision?? Why do I have to keep justifying my decision to people?

I know I may be overreacting, but I'm so sick of hearing people say stupid things like "what are you trying to prove?" and "you're crazy". I thought at the very least that DH backed my decision, and here I find out that he's ambivalent about it and possibly just pretending to be on board just to placate me. Or the other possibility is that he didn't want to cause waves (DH is the perpetual "nice guy" to a fault) with his cousin as she's super opinionated and judgmental so he just pretended not to be on my side? Which also pisses me off because I am his wife and he should stick up for me and support me, not call me crazy. I'm so mad about this but don't know if I'm overreacting or not....it's just a sore subject because of all the flak I've already gotten about it from people and I thought that at the very LEAST I had DH's support.

Wow, this ended up being a lot longer than I expected. Thanks for reading if you made it this far!

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

I wouldn't listen to what ANYONE has to say. It is your decision to do what you want, and you have made an informed decision. I am sure DH backs you and will be behind you 110% during your delivery.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

I find this to be so funny, who does she think she is to say that when she hasn't even taken the MCAT...your always going to hear stupid things. Just be strong and stick to your plan.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

I would just let DH know that I would appreciate him not talking about what my plans are to people that seem to think they know it all.

And then tell the relative that you are completely aware of what you are doing, and that you will do what you need to, to get the baby out safely.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Stick to your plan. Men don't get it, they don't have to do it. Keep doing what your doing!!! I say stop telling people your plans for your labor and delivery. Because if that cousin is super judgemental and you end up with an epidural she will be the first to open that big trap. Just say "I haven't decided or I have an open mind". Kudos to you for wanting a natural birth

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Obviously, none of us have the background knowledge of how this girl acts and what she's like. And if she freely gives her opinion all the time, then I'd expect this kind of thing from her. If she said anything further to you directly, I'd tell her to back off until she's gone through her residency and has an actual job as an OB/GYN or anesthesiologist.

But as for your dh, have you two had an open an honest conversation about your birth plans? not saying that you should consider anyone else's opinion, especially when you've researched it all, but i don't think you should necessarily think your dh isn't being supportive, just because he may have disagreed with your decision in the beginning. him not saying anything when he may have disagreed, I would argue, is a huge sign of support for you. Clearly, talking about it behind your back isn't great, but maybe you should take this as an opportunity to talk to him about how he's feeling about everything in an open and nonconfrontational way/setting?

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

I don't want you to be disappointed, but this is just the beginning of people not respecting your decisions.

Once the baby comes, you will hear it about breast feeding vs. bottle feeding... disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers... daycare vs. SAHM...

You name it! So just start to prepare yourself for the endless list of opinions that you are going to start getting. Good for you about having your birth plan and knowing what you want. Everyone else can have their opinion... doesn't mean you have to follow it!

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Bottom line is that since you are the only one going to push that baby out of your whoo-ha, you are the ONLY one who's opinion counts. Screw them and what they think they know.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

I am sorry this is happening to you. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop talking about your birth plans with anyone other than DH and your OB.

I have had to put up with the same garbage so now, I just say that we don't know what we are doing.

If I decide not to go drug free, then I will definitely hear the "I told you so's" but if I DO, then what a surprise for them, you know?

People love to be right, regardless of what the outcome is. I had my cousin's wife tell me "I told you so" when I confided in her that we couldn't afford daycare. Wow, so you told me that we wouldn't be able to afford something, good for you. What kind of a person does that make HER if that is her first thought. . .

LOL sorry, I turned this into my own vent!

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

you have to do what you want to do. your DH probably doesn't think it's a big deal one way or another what you choose to do, He is not the one going through it so I can see why he would be ambivilent.

oh and you/ DH should not be discussing your birth plan. if you tell ppl you are going drug fee and wind up with an EPI you are going to hear all the I told you so's.

Message edited 3/17/2010 11:44:32 AM.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Don't you know that EVERYONE else in the world knows more about pregnancy than us?? Either they've been pregnant already, know someone who was pregnant once, read an article or just heard it on the news..they are all experts, we are morons and need advise from everyone and their third uncle from Alabama.

It's your body, your baby and your decision! You do what you want and don't let others get you down. I'd tell DH you are dissapointed he isn't 100% on your side and that you need him to be to support you through the birthing process DRUG-FREE!!

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

From someone who's hormones are back to normal - You're overreacting re: your DH.
He doesn't have to be on board w/ YOUR decision - He will be there for you, he will be a great coach, but ultimately, IMHO, the decision to do it w/ or w/o drugs should be YOURS and yours alone - YOU are in labor, YOU are in pain, YOU have to feel it and go through it -
And him 'going through it with you' is total and complete BS - He's there, and he's seeing you in pain, which is a different KIND of pain - but it's NOT comparable to what you will endure giving birth -

MAYBE he's just being respectful of 'whatever YOU want' ........KWIM? Don't attack the poor guy b/c he's not 'on board' with you - Maybe he does think you're crazy do want to go through that, but him keeping quiet about it is HIS way of being supportive. -
I was a big baby begging for the epi and my DH was practically in tears watching me in pain -
So, while he supports your decision, he may not be agreeing it's the best thing for you .........it doesn't make him wrong.

As for his family and anyone else, unfortunately, most people (myself included) can not fathom why anyone would choose to be in that kind of pain when there is an alternative - Now, being PG myself not long ago, *I* know better than to voice my opinions........but as you know re: anything and everything PG and baby related, most people say whatever they want to .........ignore them. It's YOUR body, it's YOUR pregnancy, it's YOUR baby, it's YOUR decision !!

Oh, and GOOD LUCK !!!

Message edited 3/17/2010 12:25:09 PM.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Unfortunately everyone feels the need to insert their 2 cents, I've come to find that out rather early on in my pregnancy, down to the cleaning lady at my job! Bottomline- it's no one else's decision but yours so just try to ignore the unwanted advice. My DH is always the "nice guy" too so I'm sure he was just agreeing with her because it was just easier that way.

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Thanks ladies....unfortunately, with only 6 days left until my EDD, it's too late for me to stop discussing my plans, everyone already knows (and has voiced their opinion whether asked or not) about my birth plan, what names we've chosen, etc. Trust me, I DO know better now and will keep my mouth shut after the baby when it comes to what my plans are in raising him/her. Being someone who would NEVER fathom giving unsolicited advice and/or push my opinions on others, it was a real to see how many people (even strangers!) felt it was perfectly ok to do so to me.

In regards to DH...it doesn't bother me so much that he doesn't necessarily agree with my birth plan, everyone is entitled to their own opinion and at the end of the day, the decision is MINE not his. What upsets me is that he pretends to agree with me 100% and seems enthusiastic about it, but doesn't actually feel that way. Like he's almost lying to me about it. I don't expect him to fall in line and believe what I believe, but I DO expect him to be honest with me and would have liked for him to have expressed his concerns during one of the dozens of discussions we've had about this already.

And as for his cousin....she and her family are very opinionated and I usually do not agree with the majority of them. They aren't malicious people, just set in their ways so I really try never to take things to heart. The only reason this particular incident set me off is because she's practically a kid, never had a long term relationship (let alone being pregnant) and she thinks because she read a passage in a study guide that she knows better than me?

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Posted by jerseypanda

I don't want you to be disappointed, but this is just the beginning of people not respecting your decisions.

Once the baby comes, you will hear it about breast feeding vs. bottle feeding... disposable diapers vs. cloth diapers... daycare vs. SAHM...

You name it! So just start to prepare yourself for the endless list of opinions that you are going to start getting. Good for you about having your birth plan and knowing what you want. Everyone else can have their opinion... doesn't mean you have to follow it!

Re: Let me vent about my DH and his relatives a bit...

Tell them to mind their own business and when they have a kid of their own they can do whatever they want!!!