Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

Message edited 1/8/2008 11:54:42 PM.

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

Sometimes, when dealing with IF, you have to do what you have to do. I've put off going to family functions and friends houses after they've had babies, sometimes it's just too hard. Why would I walk into a situation where I know I will walk away feeling awful and it will magnify everything negative I have been feeling 1000x. I cry enough, why add to it? I can't speak for your SIL, but I'm sure it was VERY difficult to talk to you about your pregnancy and to see your baby. It is easier to not go through that again.

I'd send a message back through your parents, or a note to your brother/ SIL that you are there for them if you need them and then leave them be. It's nothing personal against you or your baby. They're coping the best way they know how, and if not going somewhere that there are newborns is how they're doing it, so be it.

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

This is a hard situation I am one who likes to talk about my feelings where those others who do not but I think that everyone has to deal with it differently at first no one knew what we were doing and once word came out people were very understanding I have certainly missed a family function or two myself baby showers and christenings and such if they were really important to me I would go and leave before they opened gifts that was the hardest part for me I think that they might need some space for right now and when they are ready they will "come out" I am sure things will get better I know that my family was afraid to approach me especially after I lost my twins my brothers whom I am very close with didn't know what to say and were hestitant in calling me and what not but it does get better

Message edited 12/23/2007 10:00:04 PM.

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

"Here's my question -- and I know there's no hard and fast rule about this, but I'm interested in what people think: is this isolation "normal" "good" "productive" "healing" or is it perhaps making things worse for a couple going through infertility?"



Quite honestly, I am not quite sure why this is your question. Please don't get offended but it sounds a bit judgemental. The bottom line is they have to do what they have to do to get through this hard time. Period.

Hopefully they will get good news soon!

Message edited 12/23/2007 10:16:46 PM.

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

This is never an easy situation for both the person who is able to have children and the person having difficulties. I will say that after my m/c earlier this year, I avoided everything from showers to birthday parties to bbqs. I was not up for questions or reminders. I did get heat from my SIL for missing my nieces's 7th birthday party (which was a kiddie party w/ 30 7-year olds). She barely spoke to me for two months and I can tell you that I was shocked that her of all people would treat me like that and not understand (after I told her the truth behind why i did not go). She had 3 m/c herself prior to conceiving so I expected a little more out of her.

Anyway, I tend to agree that people who are dealing w/ IF should be able to do what they need to do. They are going through enough right now and should not feel pressured to be in a situation that would upset them further or be subject to questioning. I can understand how this upsets you, but the best thing you can do is be understanding and let them know that you are.....It's not that they are not happy for your and don't care about you, it's just that they are balancing trying to be happy and feeling sad at the same time. Trust me, when you're having IF issues, all you see are pregnant women and babies...it never ends. And the reminders really hit home and send out the panic signals "will it every happen for me"? It's just an emotional time for them.

I hope they get pregnant really soon. Best of luck to you.

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

Thanks everyone for your opinions. I really appreciate it.

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

WOW hard question and hard times for you all.

I feel a little of both sides.

When I was dealign with IF, i could not make MANY family functions and I cried when I saw kids at the ones I went to..

BUT...If it were my sister or brother, I would feel differently. There was a lot of people who got OPG in my life while I still dealt with it...It was cousins, distant friends etc, that I felt I could avoid and therefore not deal with the pain of facing...but my sisters, brothers and close friends.....As painful as it was inside, I was still happy for them and no, I would want 100% to see their chilcdren and be part of their lives.

Its not your sons fault and he shouldnt be blamed or treated the way I feel he is being treated....

That said, self preservation for some is all that they can handle....

Its just such a sticky situstion.

I think theres no right or wrong, and I DO SEE how you would not be able to understand and how it would truley bothe ryou.

All I can say is be there for them regardless and try your best to ignore how hurt you must feel, and maybe its just a phase and they lord willing get PG or they can come to accpet being around your son.....

Re: Question about sensitivity -- sorry its long

You mentioned that not many family members really ask your brother about kids or make comments to him. I don't think ypu really have a way of knowing whether that is true. You may not know how often it comes up. Even a small comment here or there can be very painful. If one person says something, then another, it may not become the topic of discussion for the night but it can be very hurtful.

To put it into perspective, I just went through my first set of holidays with my DS. After it was over, I realized that if I were still trying to get pregnant, I would have declined some of the invitations that I accepted this year.