I feel awful.... sort of long...

I know everyone at my job - I work in a small place.

There are 5-6 other women that work here. Several are married with teenage or adult children.One is younger and not married. One is married and pregnant. One is married, very much about her career, and talks about having kids sometime, but not really actively trying because of other things. And then there are a few men.

There are also a bunch of graduate student interns here, all very young. Some look like kids.

There were recently emails going around about all of us going out to dinner late after a conference. I knew I couldn't go, and said something like, "Sorry - I would only be able to go if I could strap this kid to my back..." and made some comment about having no life anymore...

I felt comfortable saying this because I know everyone very well, have worked here for years, and we always made some type of comment to each other about our lives, etc...

Well, it turns out one of the interns was on the email list. I don't even know her because she works with someone else completely, and she looks like she is 12. But she is married, and going thru fertility issues, and she was really offended at my email.

If I knew anyone was going thru any type of fertility issue, I would never have said anything - I thought I knew everyone on the email list and didnt even look at the CC list. I didn't even know any of the interns were married, because they are such kids, and I would never even think that she was trying because she's a young student, so it wasn't even on my radar.

I feel bad because I am very sensitive to fertility issues, and have really been educated by a lot of moms on these boards.

I never even talk to her - I didnt even know who she was when a collague mentioned it to me, so its not like I'm going to even start talking to her now and apologize. whats done is done.

But I just feel badly about it....

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

You had no way of knowing that she was having fertility issues. I really don't think she should have been offended. I guess I really can't say that having never been there, but I don't think it's right to be upset with you when you had no idea. How do you know she was offended? Try not to beat yourself up about it. Do you think you should apologize to her? It sounds like it would be weird if you've never really spoken to her before, but maybe it will make you feel better.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

I understand that you feel bad...I would probably too. But, you were just being yourself and you meant no harm. I don't know what it's like to go through fertility issues, but I do know that she needs to be a little less sensitive or everything is going to bother her!

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Message edited 11/12/2007 4:46:16 PM.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Message edited 11/12/2007 4:44:20 PM.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

How could you of known? It was so innocent

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Message edited 11/12/2007 4:52:28 PM.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

I read what I wrote - and said something like,

"Unless you want to come to my house for dinner and have sweet potatoes and Similac, then I wont be able to join you guys unless I strap my kid to my back. Signed, Mommy with no life..."

But we always emailed each other silly things about whatever going on in our lives.....

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

I wonder is it about this email or "emails"? You had said that the boss said that you have to watch your tone in emails which makes me think that there is prior concern? Dont know. Honestly, IMO...you did nothing wrong and i really wouldnt sweat it. Your statement was hilarious and something many of us would think was very funny. Any statement can be wisted and turned into something its not. I dont think there is a need for an apology especially since it was meant for humor not maliciousness.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

sounds to me like you were making a comment about your life to a bunch of people whom you know well - people who recognize that your comments are in no way meant to offend, and who know how much you actually appreciate your life...

i understand how you would feel badly, i would too, but it sounds like you can't approach this person to apologize or talk it through. given that fact, i would chalk it up to an innocent mistake and not beat yourself up about it.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

I see no reason for you to apologize. You did not say anything to purposely offend anyone. And if you boss did not want to tell you who was offended then you really cannot say something to her. I think she would be even more upset if something was said to her...especially bc then she would have to acknowledge her fertility to coworkers. and that could really upset her... for you....

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Well, listen, I think that if I were you, I'd be dying from feeling bad, as well. However, given the situation, you obviously cannot apologize, so just make sure that if this girl is on the email list, then you will watch what you say.
As sorry as I would be that this poor girl is having fertility issues, I would not change my entire personality to accomodate one person because guess what, you'll probably just end up offending someone else. No matter what you do or say, there will always be someone who has a problem with it. You could come across as being the most caring, kind person in the world, and there's still going to be that one person out there that doesn't get it.
Granted your tone in your email was more sarcastic, people who know you get it, people who don't probably wouldn't get it and would see it as complaining. There's nothing you can do about it other than be more careful in the future with where your emails are getting sent. Other than that, use it as a learning experience and move on.

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Thanks ladies!!!!



I just feel like everytime I see her now, she's going to be thinking, "Theres that awful girl who hates being a mother and rubs it into my face that she has a baby..."

but, it could just be me!

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Just remember that the way someone perceives you isn't necessarily who you really are Maybe start wearing a t-shirt that says "I hate meat" or something, and then you'll become the girl that she thinks, "Oh, there's that crazy girl who hates meat" when she sees you? No? It sounded like a good idea in my head

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Posted by prncss

Just remember that the way someone perceives you isn't necessarily who you really are Maybe start wearing a t-shirt that says "I hate meat" or something, and then you'll become the girl that she thinks, "Oh, there's that crazy girl who hates meat" when she sees you? No? It sounded like a good idea in my head

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Posted by lipglossjunky73

Thanks ladies!!!!



I just feel like everytime I see her now, she's going to be thinking, "Theres that awful girl who hates being a mother and rubs it into my face that she has a baby..."

but, it could just be me!

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

Re: I feel awful.... sort of long...

You did nothing wrong. When I was trying to get pregnant, the only time anyone offended me was if their remarks were specifically about me having a baby or if the remarks were obviously a rub directed at me. Someone's remarks or jokes about their own kids or their own situation only helped me to continue to feel included.