Interfaith couples expecting

My family is Jewish and DH is Italian...

While my mom gave me her blessing on a shower (baby stuff is so expensive we'd be broke if we bought it all ourselves), she insists she store the items at her house until after the baby is born. I agree with this and also feel, like my mom, that there is no need to find out the sex of the baby until the baby arrives. My mom also had some "challenges" in her own pregnancy and childbearing experience that makes her feel basically - don't prepare until you have an actual baby to bring home. I unfortunately too have known too many women in my own life to go through 9 months and come home - well, empty handed.

However, my MIL is all about knowing if it's a boy or girl so she can buy stuff in advance. I can tell my MIL thinks I'm a freak, but I also am not big into the whole "gender-role" stuff that she is all about. What is the best and most gentle way to help her understand our feelings about not wanting to know and going easy on the preparation? DH is with me that it will be a wonderful surprise when the baby is born to know if it's a boy or girl. Our focus is for a HEALTHY baby and we both agree that either sex is a blessing.

I hope this makes sense and maybe some can share their own differences in values vs. their in-laws and how they handled them. I want them to enjoy the baby, but I'm a little different than my in-laws in my ways of thinking.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

It's your baby and your MIL can spoil him or her after he/she is is born. She can buy all the blue and pink stuff she wants. She has no choice but to except your wishes. She might have to bite her tongue doing it but that is what she has to do. you really dont; have to explain yourself but it might be best that you did. that way she can understand where you're coming from and why.

By the way, your post (1st paragraph) depressed me.

Good luck to you for a happy and healthy 9!

Message edited 10/16/2007 8:07:56 PM.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

I think that your beliefs are very sweet and a nice way to look at things! I wish that I had the patience to wait to find out the sex. Just explain to your MIL that you are looking forward to the 'surprise' in the delivery room. If she would like to get you gender related items, you would not be hurt if she gave you nothing at the shower and waited until after the baby is born!

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

I don't think that knowing the gender really has anything to do with religion - I was raised Catholic and DH Jewish and I'm the one who doesn't want to know. I think it's just a difference in what you want, not what religious beliefs you subscribe to.

That said, your DH should be the one to tell her if the standard hints / replies don't get through to her. It's your decision, no one else's.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

my family wants to know to buy now and his family doesnt they want it to be a surprise.. so i'm finding out because thats what i want to do and just telling those family members that want to know .. good luck

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

I had my eldest daughter almost 14 years ago after coming home the previous year..."empty handed". NOTHING was bought until I had that baby in my arms..we didnt know if she was a boy or a girl...MIL went out when she was born and bought everything that was necessary to bring her home..which truly amounts to simply:

Diapers
Wipes
Onesies
PJs
Receiving Blankets
Bottles
Car Seat
Bassinet

You really dont need anything else and can make do.

My DS was born in August. My DH is Jewish and although we did have a shower and all pertinant items were here at the house..NOTHING was unpacked, washed, tags removed, etc until the little guy arrived...we only knew what he was b/c we asked at my Ultrascreen and we thought they wouldnt be able to tell BUT the doctor was pretty sure he was a boy.

Message edited 10/17/2007 7:14:07 AM.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

If she is not respecting your convictions on this and DH is not telling his mother to go scratch. Then I would tell her what my friend told her MIL. We are planning to have more children, there are so few good surprises in life anymore so we are not finding out. For that reason if you would like to shop then feel free, we would love lots of neutral stuff since we do want more children and we don't know what sex they will be either.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

Thanks for the advice. DH and I are on the same page. To clarify, although I'm not sure finding out the sex of the baby applies, it is a Jewish thing not to have a shower. Although my family is not very religious, b/c of my mom's life experience, this is something that she feels strongly about and her concerns passed on to me a bit. As I mentioned previously though, she was okay with it as long as none of the baby stuff is in my house. Two things to add to the list of bare necessities... a crib and changing table. But my dad can help DH set that up while I'm in the hospital if it's stored at my p's house.

I think it's that DH's brother and his wife found out they were having a girl ahead of time, so I think my MIL got into that. I'm not "mad" about it, she just has to respect our wishes... something she's not always good about. Respect of "different" wishes is not her strong point. We had some issues with this during the wedding planning too. DH is with me though so I'm sure everything will be okay. She kept saying to me the night we told her, if there's something dangling in the ultrasound or not (as if I wouldn't know that that would be a penis?)... but I kept telling her we aren't finding out. She kept talking about things dangling or not. I'm sure there will be more discussion on this topic, but if I have to I will sit her down myself and just tell her that she would have wanted people to respect her wishes when she was PG with DH and his brothers... can she please understand where I stand?

Message edited 10/19/2007 8:19:28 PM.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

I think as long as you and your DH are on the same page, you are in the right.
You can gently let her know that you two decided not to find out. She can complain.. but in the end, just don't find out

Re: Interfaith couples expecting

I'm Jewish, my DH is catholic. His mom was asking questions about my shower & wanting to buy us things for the baby; I said we're going to have a party after the baby comes because I'm really superstitious & I don't want anything in the apartment until we know the baby is coming home. To my surprise, her response was, "That's a really good idea. Very smart, you never know. " And it ended there. She's not generally the least judgemental person, but that my reasons were based in fear brought out a great deal of understanding.

Re: Interfaith couples expecting