Would you be offended or hurt?

Message edited 6/3/2007 4:44:24 PM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Boys his age wouldn't know to offer condolences on their own, unless they have a lot of experience with loss. Since you are not close with his mom and she is jealous of you, I would say the fault lies with her.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

He's 11- you can't expect an 11 year old to know what to say to comfort you. You say your mother treated him like her own grandson- realize then that he's likely grieving too.

I am so sorry to hear about your mother

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I'm sorry to hear about your mom.
I wouldn't be offended. I don't think an 11 year old knows how to deal with the whole grieving process. He probably doesn't know what to say. Don't take it to heart...

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother.

I agree with the other ladies. I wouldn't expect an 11 yr. old to know what to say. I would however think that his mother would be able to set aside any differences and offer her sympathy.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Message edited 6/3/2007 4:44:41 PM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I am so sorry about your mom- sorry I didn't include that in my answer. Hang in there

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I think it's natural to be hurt. I agree that it's probably his mother though, not him.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

so sorry about your mom!

honestly you are being too sensitive.. he probably feels terrible about your mom especially if he thought of her as a grandma.. he's dealing with this too and probably not well. Kids don't know how to put thier feelings into words. IMO you should ask him if he is OK and try to get him to talk to YOU. He probably wants to say something to you but doesn't know what to say. sorry if it sounds harsh.. i have 3 boys and they NEVER know what to say!

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

i think the boy is too young to know what to say. plus im sure his mother didnt tell him to say anything to you. im really sorry for your loss, i lost my mom as well. fm me if you ever need to talk.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Message edited 6/1/2007 8:26:09 PM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Posted by -Lisa-


I agree, I think you're expecting a lot from him. Also, its not just his mom's responsibility to buy a card or explain how he should express his condolences - where's your DH in this? If he knows its important to you, he should have bought the card for his son.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, but don't hold it against your stepson.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I'm going to put a different spin on this- I too lost my mother- so I know how you feel and I am sorry

but I think you should talk to him about how he is feeling, if they were very close- he might be confused and hurt himself- he is only 11- I had a hard time dealing with death at 27- I can only imagine what it's like at 11

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I honestly think he probably doesn't know what to say or even how to act. He also might feel that he is betraying his mother if he shows some feelings. Just let him know that he was special to your mom and that she loved him. I have kids this age. This will open the doors to conversation. Don't take it personally, he is probably upset.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Message edited 6/3/2007 4:45:12 PM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Message edited 6/3/2007 4:45:33 PM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Posted by Alicia

Posted by -Lisa-

Posted by Stefanie

I'm sorry to hear about your mom.
I wouldn't be offended. I don't think an 11 year old knows how to deal with the whole grieving process. He probably doesn't know what to say. Don't take it to heart...

I agree, I think you're expecting a lot from him. Also, its not just his mom's responsibility to buy a card or explain how he should express his condolences - where's your DH in this? If he knows its important to you, he should have bought the card for his son.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom, but don't hold it against your stepson.

I agree my DH could have bought a card, but to be honest I don't hold him responsible. My mom battled cancer for about a year. If anyone has experienced that you know towards the end can be brutal. My DH and I were her caregivers. So by the time my mom passed away we were very sleep deprived, emotionally spent etc. And I also lost a baby two days before my mom's funeral. So, I can understand that although he may have thought about getting a card, he did not have the opportunity to follow through.

But I do appreciate your honest opinion.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Absolutely hurt. Offended, no. Hes a child and honestly, children dont know what to say. Sometimes adults dont either. Sometimes people think saying nothing is better even though it hurts the person who is grieving. I am sorry for your loss.

Message edited 6/2/2007 11:12:22 AM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I def, dont think an 11 year old even understands what the loss of a parent is....def. not his responsibility, i would not be offended im sure he edoest meen to hurt your feelings.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Everyone pretty much echoed my sentiments that at 11, they may not realize what is appropriate, may even be afraid to bring up your mom because they don't want to upset you.

I think you should open the door for him. If you're able to, talk about your mom, talk about her death & that you're sad and more importantly talk about his loss as well. Talk about what is appropriate to say & do when someone dies.

As a stepmom, you're raising him too. I think teaching him sympathy & manners is your DH's, yours & his mom's responsiblity. I'm sorry his mom couldn't see past her own stuff to extend her sympathies &take the opportunity to teach her son something.


More importantly, I am truly sorry on the loss of your mom

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I am so sorry about your mother! I think I would be offended and hurt as well (just b/c I can be very sensitive at times), but I dont know that an 11 yr. old truely knows how to deal with death. I would try not to focus on it. I really dont think he understands or knows what to say.

ETA: I do think out of respect for your mother and all she has done for your step-son, his mother (DH's ex) SHOULD have absolutely acknowledged your mother's death by at least sending a sympathy card. But not all people have the manners or the brains these days

Message edited 6/2/2007 2:43:45 PM.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

I am so sorry for your loss,
regarding your stepson, boys dont know any better and forget about getting any sympathy from the ex or her telling her son- to behave that way too.
If I were you, I would talk to him. See if he knows, how is he handling it. Maybe he is scared to show he cares b/c of his mom like hes betraying her or something.
I think it would be great and a great bonding time for the two of you.
good luck

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

Sorry for your loss!

I don't think an 11 year old knows how to address the situation of death.

I don't think the notion of telling you something is something he understands. Remember, most 11 year old have passed the stage of expressing their own feelings. So, acknowledging someone else feeling would not be something they would do or even conceive of doing.

I am sure he understands that your mom passed.The concept of expressing it is different.

Re: Would you be offended or hurt?

The loss of a mother is i'm sure a touchy subject to begin with.

But an 11 y. old boy, not yours biologically, he probably doesn't know what to say, how to say it, or if you even want him to talk about it. You know?

His mother probably hasn't even made it comfortable for him to grieve over it himself. He is i'm sure feeling a loss as well!

If i were his mom, i would have sent a sympathy card, from the both of us, and went to the wake. But since you say she is just jealous.... well then she is not encouraging what is acceptable & not acceptable for him to do or not do.
get it?

Maybe you should ask how he is handling the loss, and open the doors for him to be comfy just to even talk aloud to you about it to begin with, and take it from there!