Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????

Welp- I guess Pre Cana is a good thing after all!!!! If BEFORE marriage he said YES and after said NO- to me that is a HUGE LIE and almost seems like he agreed to anything just to get you to marry him! I hate to be harsh but I agree with Redhead completely- I would DIVORCE him and right away- hey life is too short- counseling- ha! for what to convince someone- especially a MAN- at least a woman may have a maternal instinct- of something they dont want? CHILDREN that is huge and a lifetime commitment to just be convinced on. I am really sorry that you are going through this but you should also be very angry with him- this is deceitful ( spelling ? ) I have a friend that is going through this his wife said she wants kids before and now she is saying no after the fact- well needless to say- they sleep in different rooms, he cheats on her, they basically live separate lives but remain married because there is too much at stake now financially to lose for him. So what are the options- stay married unhappily or get out! I would get the HELL out!
Im sure every couple talks about this topic and money- you have to , its in our face all the time- you go into marriage together with the same values/ commitments/ love and then suddenly say oops- you know what- I dont share the same values and beliefs as you NOW, and expect you to live with that- if you can great but if you cant its easier to leave now than later.
I forgot to add- Im 34- I am NOT going to wait for someone to come around after they told me yes- I dont have the time to wait around. but if you do, try it, best of luck to you.

Message edited 7/21/2005 7:24:39 PM.

Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????

Posted by Leeners

Wow. You guys have made this thread completely about yourselves!!!!!!!! The poster has written again only to be ignored for a number of posts while everyone else argues out their own issues.



BabyBlues - I am truly sorry for the situation that you are in right now. I admire your strength and wish you the best of luck with this.

Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????

depending on our ages and how long we were married, I'd give it some time.

After that, I'd pursue a church and state annulment.

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First of all, I have to say that I am so sorry you are even in this situation! And I send you my prayers that this works out for you both in a good way.
To answer your questions...If DH "changed" his mind after marriage, without any valid reasons such as money, mortgage, space I would definitely seek counseling. But, in the end, if he wouldn't work with me on the issue, it would be time for a divorce. If he is being selfish, or has not been exposed to babies, maybe trying to expand his horizons would help. But the long and short of it seems to be that he just switched gears for his own reasons. That to me, is unacceptable.
To even mention abortion or a clinic to his wife is unspeakable. This is not a teenage romance or a fling in which there is no commitment or ability to care for a child. This is a full grown man acting out of selfishness. That would be serious grounds for leaving.

Lastly, if there is a problem in regards to conceiving...this is not grounds for leaving, IMO...now you are talking about two people who are trying but cannot conceive and there is no way you can blame one or the other. The only thing would be to discuss adoption and wether or not it would be right for both of you.

No matter what, I wish you lots of love and hope that this ends up well. I can't imagine the pain you are going through right now.

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I am so sorry. I agree with most of the other posters...I'd give it some time (personally, probably about a year, but I guess it depends somewhat on your age) and if he didn't come around, I'd have to leave.

Having, or not having, children is a huge thing. It's not like he said he'd buy you a new car after the wedding and then changed his mind. This is a child, a family, a huge part of marriage. I couldn't give that up.

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I strongly voiced my opinion about wanting children and DH was in agreement. I think its only fair to try counseling, you marriage deserves a chance to survive otherwise yes it is a total deal breaker to me. The resentment of not having children because DH did not want any would destroy my marriage anyway.

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I would have a long discussion with my husband and find out what was the cause to have him change his mind to not have children. If he then insisted this was something he didn't want and that he wasn't going to change his mind, then i would consider ending the marriage unfortuantely - because children is something that i want and look forward to!

edited to say: I think he would do the same too!

Message edited 7/22/2005 11:38:59 AM.

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Do you think maybe if some of your other married friends started having kids he would want to too? Not that you can force them or anything but it's a thought.

I may be reading too much into your post, but it sounds like there is an even bigger issue - that he has changed a lot since marriage and doesn't seem to be the same person in any respects.

That indicates that there is something more going on here, IMO. Maybe he is having a crisis about being a real live grown-up now that the's a husband??


Best of luck with the situation and whatever you decide.

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This just happened to a friend of ours... he got married and his wife told him before that she wanted children, but now, at age 34 she decided she's totally against having children. He waited it out for about a year, talked with her about it, but in the end, he gave her an ultimatum. He told her he couldn't stay with her if they had such different life paths and told her he would move out by the end of the year if she still felt the same. Good for him, because he DID move out. He's miserable, lonely and sad now, but hopefully he'll meet someone with the same goals, settle down and have a family soon.

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This is a very sad situation and I would be devastated if DH ever suggested getting an abortion when I thought I might be pregnant. That comment in and of itself is more heartbreaking to me than the fact that he may have changed his mind regarding having children.

I do have to admit though, that having children is definitely one of the things that EVERYONE discusses before marriage just to make sure that both people are on the same page, but unfortunatly, people change their mind with this ALL of the time. I've heard of people saying they definitely did NOT want children, made an agreement before marriage that they would not have children, and then one person changed their minds, and it wrecked havoc on the marriage. Having children is a HUGE life-altering decision, and for all of you to jump into calling this man a liar without hearing him out first is unfair IMO.

First of all, thinking about doing something when it is in the future is not stressful because it is not happening RIGHT NOW. Thinking about doing something and doing something are TOTALLY different things. For example, I go to Florida all of the time and each time I always say how much I want to move there. A few years ago, I got a position paying a ridiculous amount of money IN FLORIDA and I turned it down bc as much as I thought I wanted to live there, the thought of moving away from my family and friends did not sit well with me. Something I was POSITIVE about I changed my mind on when actually FACED with the decision. When hit with reality, people change their minds. It's human nature.

With all of that being said, I do have to admit that this may be a marriage breaker. Perhaps your DH watches his friends or family members that have children and tries to picture himself in that situation and just can't. Perhaps he is stressed about money like someone else said. Whatever the case may be, you definitely have to make sure that he does not EVER want kids as opposed to not wanting kids RIGHT NOW. If it's a right now thing, I would definitely give him time if you are not pg right now. In other words, use protection!

If you do happen to be pg right now and he is not supportive of your decision to keep the baby, is unwilling to go to counseling, and rejects teh idea entirely, my heart goes out to you and I pray that you find someone that loves children as much as you do to spend the rest of your life with you.

My thoughts are with you. GL in your decision, and be sure to keep us updated.

Susan

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I dont think it has anything to do with having children. I think it has to do with honesty. BUt I would definately seek counseling to work things out, or at least come to a mutual understanding.

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I think that there had to be more reason behind the change of tune? I mean why would he lie before hand? I really cant see someone lying to get someone to marry them, because Divorce is an option...so I think that the rash thoughts are just that and theres a deeper issue at hand.

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I am so sorry you are dealing with this right now.

I can tell you that a family member of mine and her DH had both agreed before marriage not to have children. Ten years later she changed her mind and was upset that he never changed his. She would watch how wonderful he interacted with children and just assumed he wanted his own. Sadly to say, they are into divorce proceedings. They did try counseling to no avail.

I can only hope that you and DH are able to work this out and find out exactly what changed his mind

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I would talk to him, and try to get to the root of why he changed his story - while also trying not to corner or emotionally pressure him (this would be the hardest for me as I would be in tears, but that is not fair). if it was something he couldn't put a finger on and it bohtered me that much i might try couple counseling (or if he would agree, maybe just counseling for him first and you can come later on)

i know this must be heartbreaking and tough - lots of s and support!

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Well, DH and I had a LOOONG talk this weekend. We came to a compromise. He swears to me that he does want children, just not now, he does not feel we are ready right now and doesn't want us to give up things we want to do yet and start a family. He said I need to stop pressing, which I know I do, constantly bringing it up. He apologized for the abortion comment after I told him, thanks to all your advice, that if god forbid I was pregnant, this is not a high school fling here, we are married, we would make it work, to which he agreed. I told him that that comment was very disturbing. He agreed that it was wrong and said that he should have thought before saying it, he was just scared. I told him, I am your wife and asking me to do anything like that, which could put my life in jeopardy, was apalling. I promised him that I would not bring up having a baby again til the time was right, which I can live with, because I know that I really push way to much. But my only reason of pushing it, besides really wanting a baby, was to get reassurance from him that we would have one eventually. So all is well and I finally got the reassurance that I wanted. Thank you all for your opinions and advice!!

Re: WHAT WOULD YOU DO????????update

Glad things are working out for you

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I'm glad to hear.

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Glad to hear it!!

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I'm SOOO glad to hear that the long talk went so well!!!
to you!!!!