HoneyBadger Blog

1. Someecards are funny in moderation not ALL THE TIME.

2. If you need to wear spanx, you're still FAT.

3. Your husband or significant other will ALWAYS want to bang you. Whether you've shaved, waxed, primped or NOT. That is, if they are actually attracted to you and LOVE you in the first place.

4. Staying together so your kids won't hate you for breaking up your marriage is a MISERABLE way to go through life.

5. Sugar snap peas do NOT make for a kick-ass salad.

6. Carrying a potato head doll with you to a bar isn't funny, it's stupid and actually rather embarrassing.

7. Dear big-ass fan-shaped bangs, 1987 called, they want you back where you belong.

8. You're blocked on facebook, get over it.

9. People will always talk shit about you

10. No adult should ever drink Lime-ritas. EVER.

11. Karma is a b!tch, and so am I

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My commute home on July 16th started off like any other Monday night commute in the summer; hazy, hot, and humid.

I know this drive well. What exits to avoid by getting on the service road, what lanes to avoid because they back up. What I didn't know was that my drive home that night would be like none other.

"Can I take you out for a drink some time?"

Right there, in the middle of rush hour traffic, stopped at a traffic light, he pulled up along side me, rolled down his window, and asked me out for a drink.

Sure, I might have noticed the cute guy who always seemed to be near me but never in a million years did I expect him to ask me out.

Breaking every rule of dating, I said, "sure", took his number and called him the following day.

I haven't stopped smiling since.

Such a stark contrast from this guy

No tears.
No secrets.
No heartache.
No excuses.

Just fun, lots of laughs, so many smiles and most importantly endless love.

I have no idea where this will all go but I like what I see and I know how I'd like the story to end; we'll see what happens, I've got high hopes for this one.

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It's funny, some friends you can go without seeing for years and when you finally do catch up it's like you never left; you pick up right where you left off.

I have a couple of friends like this and I got to see one of them Sunday.

I haven't seen him in fifteen years and yet when I walked into the bar we hugged tightly and it was as if nothing had changed. We were 19 again. We were hanging out, partying, laughing, drinking and enjoying life and being in each others company.

Thanks for the memories guys...

I love you more than you'll ever know.

Road D Beach

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I don't have a choice, but I'd still choose you

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so i'm meeting with a new attorney today.

we spoke on the telephone a little over a week ago and she sounds like she's going to be a real shark. i hope she is but at the same time i'm scared shitless of the thought that if i hire her (provided i can afford her) this will really be IT for my marriage.

i'm terrified of going to this appointment.

like if i can hire her, it's gonna be real again.

i haven't run in a little less than a year, it's because i haven't needed to.
i haven't felt the stress and pressure.
it's been nice to be calm and doing this again, well, it makes it all real.

it's been easy to say "i'm in the process of getting divorced" but actually doing it is a lot harder.

my marriage will be over.

if i hire her, she will get it done.

the thought of it makes me nauseous.

the devil you know is a lot safer and easier to live with than the devil you don't know.

i never realized just how safe i felt in purgatory.

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"How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free." ~ M&S


I was going to say more but, eh, what's the use.

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"I need a drink, what are you up to tonight?"

"Wanna go to XXXXXX?"

"I can't say I'd mind, you know I like looking at "the cute bar owner""

My friend and I both laugh and agree it won't be a late night.

Back story...

My friend and I go to this cool bar. We meet the owner - he's a cool guy and well, frankly he falls on my list of eye candy..so yeah, going out for a "quick drink" on a Monday night (because said friend only has off Monday and Tuesday) seemed like a good way to pass the time, check out some eye candy and catch up.

That was the intent...

Waking up on the floor in said bar the next morning in the arms of the cute bar owner was NOT in the plan.

I think free drinks are in order for quite some time.

Oh and do yourself a favor...avoid the bar stools.

I relayed this story to a friend, and I said to her, when I was 20 this would have been par for the course, but at 33? No.

Her reply, "This is your life now, your life after divorce."

My god, if I had known it could be this interesting I'd have left that loser years ago.

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Note to Self:

If you've sent someone a racy picture of yourself via text, say maybe only wearing a bra and bottoms, it's best to delete that text so you don't retext it ACCIDENTALLY to one of your male friends via butt dialing.

Thank god, he's a really cool guy and more so his girlfriend is a good friend of mine and an even cooler person.

FML.

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i casually ask him, "turn ons? do tell..."

his reply without hesitation...

"well.. you
shy confidence.. beauty behind a smile that melts me..a strong sense of who you are.. and what you want.. eyes that smile when the mouth is busy :)
glancing touches with a smile that says.. i cant wait to grab a hold of you. looking into my eyes.. flirty.. cute.."

it's when he says things like this that i have no defense whatsoever.

the wall that i have built up, sturdy as an fort knox falls like a house of cards in an instant.

i think to myself, its one thing to fu*k someone - that's the easy part. it's another to love them.

but this time it's different. this time, he can say what he wants, i will not let him get to the core of me. he had it once before and for over eighteen months i gave him everything i could possibly give another human being and then some. he can't take anymore; i have nothing to give.

this time its my turn to take.

this should be fun.

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i cant sleep.
actually, i haven't been able to sleep all week

i wish i knew exactly what it is about you that makes it impossible for me to walk away from you for good.
maybe if i understood it, i could conquer it. then finally be free.

free of the pain.
free from the heartbreak.

heartbreak.
that seems to creep into my life with you often.

i'm tired.
i'm sad.
more consistent themes when it comes to you and I.

it would hurt to walk away from you for good,
but i know eventually i'd recover

unfortunately, i just dont have the strength to walk away even though i know i should.

i dont go because it's not what i want.
but in a cruel twist of fate i can't have what i want...

i knew we'd never pan out as friends
i said it
i meant it
and i knew why then and i know why now

because we were never meant to be friends.

maybe we were destined for more, maybe not

but as far as i can tell, friends, we were never meant to be.

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I can't get these words out of my head every time I think of you.

Come break me down. Bury me, bury me, I am finished with you. Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you.

your world is picture perfect, just the way you want it.

i'm not picture perfect, nor do i want to be.

my latest ink...



this is me
perfectly flawed
out there for everyone to see
i wear my scars like a badge of honor

if only you had the strength and courage to do the same.

i'm certain we could have been something great.

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you were picture perfect,
correction, you still are.
i know that's the way you like it
picture perfect just doesn't seem to work for me.

i can't stop listening to this song.

Come break me down. Bury me, bury me I am finished with you. Look in my eyes You're killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you

i keep hearing those words over and over again.

"Come break me down. Bury me, bury me I am finished with you. Look in my eyes You're killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you."

there was a time i would have never thought i'd think these things about you.

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i love wearing his sweatshirt
smelling it
smelling him on it
on me

i really do wish it was different for you and me

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today would have been our four year anniversary...

i suppose technically it was. legally we're still married.

this time four years ago i was dancing on a dancefloor thinking forever.

now i know i was kidding myself, it was never meant to last...yet i can't help but feel sad. disappointed.

i made a point of being busy today...i didn't want to slow down and think about him, about us and about how we no longer are.

i didn't want to feel sad...unfortunately i eventually had to slow down.

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yours is a world of country clubs, homemade cakes, cards and cookies; I'm just a dirty little secret...

i'm in a bad place these days with him.

i'm sure he doesn't realize, we haven't spoken much at all this past week b/c he's been on vacay

i'm really tired
and i've got to face a LOT of ****
and i need someone to lean on;
someone to hug me
and kiss me
and tell me i'm going to be ok;
that i'm strong enough to face what lies ahead and be able to get through this.

he may want to do that,
but he can't.

it breaks my heart, it really does.

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i have a spinny dress.
(that's what my seven year old niece calls it)
it makes me feel pretty...
feeling pretty makes me feel stronger
more confident.

i wore it today
(with my 4.5" fuckk me pumps)
those pumps make me feel
even prettier, stronger and more confident
than the spinny dress.

i wore them today on purpose.
i look great
and i needed to look great
to remind him of what he lost
what he'll never get to touch
taste
feel

love.

i had to see him.
i hate seeing him
i dont want to see him anymore
i want this to be over

i'm one step closer after today.

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sometimes the miracle we pray for and the miracle we get aren't always one and the same.

i learned this today.

i lost my cousin this morning. he was only 28 years old.

he traveled a bumpy road entering this world and unfortunately for him it continued to be that way for the next 28 years. he was truly a tortured soul.

everyday my grandmother prayed to st. jude for a miracle, this morning he got it.

i know that sounds awful but ironically for as much sadness as i feel, there are equal feelings of relief.

he lived everyday in pain, emotionally and physically.

he is no longer in pain. knowing this brings me comfort.

my family and i are hurting now but the pain we feel pales in comparison to the daily pain he lived with all his life.

JP i hope wherever you are you're at peace and smiling upon us.

i hope you know how much you were loved...

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I'm hurting...A good friend sent me this.

Thought of you with this one:
“ Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either. For solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.
— ~ Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum)

Also
My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, or else my heart concealing it will break.

—The Taming of the Shrew, William Shakespeare


While it doesn't take away the pain I'm feeling it brought me comfort and for that I am grateful.

I am even more grateful to have such an amazing woman in my life that I get to call my friend.

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No one knows but me and its stuck in my head, heart and soul...I get why I am who I am...some say its cold, but I say its self preservation.


"do i know?"

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i have this rule, dont expect anything from anyone and you wont be let down.

yeah, i'm sure you've all heard it before, i didn't say i came up with the rule, i just have it and i follow it.

anyway...

i broke my rule.

this one time (ok, well, i've broken the rule before) these TWO times, i put stock into something someone said and it came back to bite me in the arse.

i'm not surprised about the first one. he's a loser, that would be why i'm divorcing him. but to go after someone's hard earned cash that you, in now way, shape, or form, had ANYTHING to do with earning? how dare you. you're pathetic. but then again, i married the loser so what does that make me?

i wish i could say i am surprised he's doing this but alas i'm not.

all i can say is he'll lose. i will see to it, no matter what i have to do, he will lose.

time numbah two...ahhhh promises, promises...i'm not sure if he really hasnt come through for me but i'm doubtful. it's not a big deal and it certainly wont be the end of the world if he didnt but i was kinda hoping he would do what he said.

this is why i dont want to get attached to anyone.

its not worth the disappointment that comes with the territory.

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