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Too Close For Comfort: How To Avoid Getting “Too Comfortable” For Love and Intimacy

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By Mia Bolaris-Forget

While dating may mean that you are frequently wined and dined, its often taking the “relationship” to the next level that allows you to let your hair down, and loosen the belt buckle.

Couples in courtship seem to still be in the “best behaviour” phase, from how they look and speak to what they order and how much they actually eat. But, as the “tension” eases, so do our inhibitions. In fact, it’s not uncommon to trade in your nights out for some cozy “alone” time and nights in. But, now instead of dressing up to step out on the town, one or both of you may find yourselves “dressing down” to cuddle up on the couch with some trendy takeout and a good movie. And, while you’re excited about being homebodies, you’re also likely settling into a “sedentary” routine with not much exercise. Plus, before you know it you trade in those cute sweats for some more roomy, comfy ones or some flannel pjs and fuzzy socks, a look not likely to get you any “action” either. And, before you know it, you may notice a few extra and unwelcome pounds. In fact, studies suggest that while women are more prone to packing on the pounds, both men and women in coupledom gain between six and eight pounds, in the first two years of cohabitating or tying the knot alone. And, that’s not good for your image or your health.

However, according to experts, “getting comfortable” is both psychologically and physiologically normal, especially since trying to “solicit” the other person’s attention is no longer essentially necessary. In fact, our mentality shifts from one of trying to seduce the other person to trying to get along with the other person. Plus, other priorities often take precedence. Let’s face it, who’s got time to worry about how you look serving dinner, when you’re worrying about what to make for dinner and having it ready on time.

Still the “problem” or rather “rut” doesn’t have to be permanent. After all, this is NOT the first time in your life you’ve got “stress” and “responsibility”. In fact, it’s likely that in the past, BC, before couplehood, you handled work, school, apartment, etc., but still found time to take care of you….and it was likely all based on “competition”. But, now that the competition is gone, perhaps so is your motivation. Still, experts assert that there IS a relatively simple solution.

1. Look to your mate for your motivation: In the past, your friends, foes and all other females or males were all the encouragement you needed to strive to be your very best. But, now that you have “unconditional” love, the “pressure” is off. Turn it up a notch by taking a vested interest in each other appearance, health, self-esteem, and overall well-being. Support each other and encourage each other to be the best you can (reasonably) be and make the time to meet your, and each others goals and needs.

2. Walk don’t run: Both figuratively and literally. Start out slowly with a fitness routine and beauty routine for “beginners”, gradually challenging yourself and slowly and steadily making “improvements”. Start out by working out at home or going for a daily walk. Then, instead of an entire new wardrobe buy one new item at a time until you reach your goal. Ladies can also improve their look by trying out one new beauty trick a week, until they get a solid few up their seductive sleeves.

3. Tackle it together: Be an inspiration for each other by doing your workout or getting ready together. If you see your man looking good or vice versa, chances are you or he will be inspired to step up to the plate and make the other person “proud”. It’s also much more fun to strive toward a goal as a team, or to step out and get noticed as a couple rather than just one of you “working it” and the other fading into the background. Also, physical activity builds sexual tension and arousal for both men and women, and the added confidence level is yet another relationship boost.

4. Make it manageable: Trying to squeeze in a “star-studded” workout either before or after a full day’s work may seem to work for the stars, but my not be realistic in the “real world”. But, giving up shouldn’t be an option either. But your heads together and come up with a plan that allows for slow changes to your routine in small intervals and that can be altered over time. Also, don’t try to cut out ALL your favorite foods all at once. Start by not keeping “snack food” in the house and only making them a special treat. You can further challenge yourself (to just say no) once you’ve fully conquered your cravings.

5. Say something nice: The experts ironically seem to agree with my husband who staunchly feels that love and intimacy, dare I say “seduction” begins outside the boudoir. That includes holding hands, talking, laughing and speaking nicely too and about each other. Remember, if you don’t speak positively about your mate you will begin to believe what you preach and the love “will” diminish, if not die. On the flip side, if you pay each other compliments often, your love for your partner will grow and so will your desire for him or her.

6. Practice passion: Like most other things, even intimacy requires “practice” to make it perfect. Unfortunately, according to experts, what most of us do is wait for the ideal conditions for intimacy, and, those conditions rarely, if ever, exist. Start, say experts, by incorporating love and intimacy into other aspects of your life, such as holding hands while walking, etc. and chance taking it a step or two further, even if it doesn’t lead directly to the bedroom, when the kids or parents (if you still live with them or they live with you) aren’t around.

7. Schedule some private time: Let’s face it, after years in a steady relationship with a steady routine, time to turn each other on isn’t always your first priority. And, looking forward to alone time often means sitting in sweats with a bucket of ice cream and catching the latest Blockbuster flick. Plus, the exhaustion from a full week of work, school, family, or a combination, doesn’t do much for your energy level or sexual desire. So, whether it means putting laundry off for another day, putting the kids to bed early or finding a sitter, experts suggest some time “away” and alone, where intimacy “can” happen, and preferably without any interruptions. In fact, experts add, that scheduled sex can often put you on the right track for more spontaneous, unscheduled sex.

8. Put your creative caps on: Think back to the days, as far back as they may be, of courting and sexual tension. Almost anyplace was a good place to sneak a kiss or more. Now, it’s likely that restaurants are for eating, kitchens for cooking, the shower for washing, and the bedroom for sleeping. Find “exciting” places to get “cozy” with each other, and try getting frisky outside your boudoir once in a while…it’s likely to also improve things at home.

9. Give yourselves and each other a break: Experts suggest that the reason the passion and the excitement was hot (in the beginning) is because you didn’t see each other every day and when you “did” get together, regardless of where you went and what you did, or with whom, the anticipation kept you guessing and “aroused”. So, whether you step out alone for a few hours or do something special just with the kids, it’s imperative that you each get away from each other once in a while. In fact, according to the pros, a little distance will make your hearts grow fonder (for each other) and your time together will be “quality time”.

10. Learn to love who you’ve become: While change “is” important, so is acceptance. Evaluate your relationship and yourself and how you’ve changed, and change the things you don’t like, but hold on to the ones you do. After all sitting at home in you pjs with a movie may be part of what works for you and if your partner is okay with it too, use it to your advantage, growing your love rather than allowing it to become an “excuse” for tearing it apart.







Long Island Relationship Articles > Too Close For Comfort: How To Avoid Getting “Too Comfortable” For Love and Intimacy

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