My heart is breaking...

I assumed everything was going good with the adjustments to a new living environment. Amber really seemed to enjoy her new room and the beautiful aquarium John set up for her. She seemed happy and adjusted (even though she seemed happy while we were living at Grandma's too). She seemed upset that Scutches (our cat) could not come to the apartment, but she sees him enough so that the separation wasn't too bad. That is, until this past weekend.

STBX had his family in town (Brother's family that includes nephews/niece, etc.). Since they don't come up frequently, she spent ALOT of time with them; the 1st time in months her father showed an actual interest in her and wanting to spend time with her (surprise-surprise that he would want to play Show and Tell in front of his family ). But I was accomodating with whatever schedule change he needed and "we" as a whole seemed to be communicating better/getting along, etc. It was actually quite nice for a few days/week.

Amber came home from her visit on Monday night (after daycare) and never stopped talking about how she didn't want to live with me, how she hated John and how she wanted to live with Daddy. She told me she didn't love me and that she only loved Daddy. As much as I tried to rationalize her behavior, it broke my heart and I spent most of the day on New Year's crying. This behavior has been going on now for days. Last night (I had to work late - Thanks sucky job! ) STBX picked up the baby at daycare and dropped her at my Mom's. She started carrying on over there; saying she didn't want to live there, she didn't "like" them and how she only wanted to be at Grandma B's, NOT Grandma Gails. Grandma Gail?!? She has NEVER called my Mom that EVER. My other niece does but she does not live near or speak to Amber. The only person who ever heard that reference to my Mom (from my other niece) was STBX. The only thing I can think of at this point is that she's being coached by her father to say these things because we'll be approaching court proceedings at the end of the month. Again, I spent most of the night crying.

John keeps trying to tell me that the reason she's acting out this way is because at her father's, there's no structure. No set bedtime, no set routine about eating, bathing, etc. She can pretty much do whatever carte blanche where at our home, she has rules and she has structure. Also, Dad's is "fun" as in, the dogs are there and he's not the one that "cares" for her (gives her medicine, brushes her teeth, etc.). It's been especially fun the last few weeks because of the visitors and her Dad has showed an actual interest in her. I don't know which was worse; him not being interested and her being indifferent, or her telling me these horrible things and wanting to be with him. It's ripping me to shreds that I'm the one that would take a bullet for her and yet he's the one she wants to be with. There was one point during the last few days where I actually considered giving him custody because I didn't know what to do. Meanwhile, when she see's John after a few days/after school, she's all over him (hugging him, jumping on him, looking for him to play with her). Is this just a phase where she prefers men over Mommy?

Message edited 1/3/2008 11:12:32 AM.

Re: My heart is breaking...

aww.. i dont have experience in this but just my heart says its a phase and your ex is coaching her to say these things. I say DONT give up, just be patient as hard as it is to hear these things being said by your dd. I can feel deep in my heart your DD deeply loves you and wants to live with you. I really hope things go smoothly soon..

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I really don't have any advice, but what John said sounds pretty accurate. Why would she want to live with you when she can do whatever she pleases at dad's house? Also, from previous posts, you had mentioned that she was sad about her dad not paying much attention to her. Maybe she thinks that if she stays there, he won't change the current (temporary) behavior. I don't know if that's too much for a child to think of, but they are much smarter than we think.

I'm sure STBX is planting seeds in her head.

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I don't have any advice, but wanted to give you lots of

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I think it's a phase because you love her unconditionally it's safe to be mad at you. Unfortunately, it could be a long phase.

That doesn't mean you should ever consider giving up custody (I didn't think you were serious anyway because you know it's not where she should be) or that you should think that little girl doesn't love you with all of her heart.

Just think back to when you were a kid & you "hated" your mom. You never really hated her, never really wanted to leave home - what you wanted was that reassurance that she loved you, wasn't going anywhere & that she wasn't going allow you to leave either.

I know this hurts you - but realize it's because she loves you, and more importantly trusts you, that she can say such hurtful things. She would never say them to STBX because she would be petrified that he would disregard her in a heartbeat as he's already done.

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i dont have any advice but just wanted to give you lots , hang in there, shes still so little and probably very confused, esp if he never showed an interest and now suddenly he is. Give her time and just keep letting her know you love her, your there for her, etc. maybe do some one on one mommy/daughter time and take her to her favorite place, or get your nails done together (like "girl time")

Message edited 1/3/2008 11:22:34 AM.

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Posted by Karebaby

I don't have any advice, but wanted to give you lots of

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Awww...hugs for you.

I think this is a phase.

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She's not quite three and very impressionable. I know it's easier said than done, but, don't take what she says to heart. Your daughter loves you. Right now, she is confused. I agree with your husband. She loves being with "daddy" because she can do whatever she wants and he, probably, gives her what she wants, as well. I, also, think she is being manipulated. She is saying things that she has never said before and they can only be coming from one place. All of a sudden, "daddy" is paying attention to her and making her feel special. Give it time. This will all pass. He'll get tired of it. It seems to be what he does best. He's putting on a show for his family and the courts.

As for your husband, she wants from him what she can't get from her own father. It's not that she prefers him over you. It's just that he can give her something different. A stable male influence in her life. An actual father. A true daddy. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and she is lucky to have him in her life. Stay strong and don't give an inch on custody. You're a good mom. This will all work out and your daughter will love you even more.

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Sharon, I dont have any words of advice, I pray this is only a phase.

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Re: My heart is breaking...

Posted by bicosi

Posted by Maathy317

She's not quite three and very impressionable. I know it's easier said than done, but, don't take what she says to heart. Your daughter loves you. Right now, she is confused. I agree with your husband. She loves being with "daddy" because she can do whatever she wants and he, probably, gives her what she wants, as well. I, also, think she is being manipulated. She is saying things that she has never said before and they can only be coming from one place. All of a sudden, "daddy" is paying attention to her and making her feel special. Give it time. This will all pass. He'll get tired of it. It seems to be what he does best. He's putting on a show for his family and the courts.

As for your husband, she wants from him what she can't get from her own father. It's not that she prefers him over you. It's just that he can give her something different. A stable male influence in her life. An actual father. A true daddy. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and she is lucky to have him in her life. Stay strong and don't give an inch on custody. You're a good mom. This will all work out and your daughter will love you even more.

I agree!

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Oh Sharon! I'm so sorry. I'm crying for you over here.

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I am from a divorced family and this situation is all too familiar to me. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to hear those things from your daughter. I know first hand how upsetting it is to feel abandoned by your father after a divorce and I'm sure you can understand your daughters desire to feel loved by her dad. Unfortunately like previous posters have said, she knows that you love her unconditionally and will always. She is grasping onto the hope that her Dad will be there for her. My sisters who are grown still have this false belief that our dad is like dad of the year even though this is the farthest thing from the truth.
I know in my parents divorce my Dad was fighting with my Mom over visitation times, he wanted more. Well as it turned out after he won like dinner every other night etc. he didn't really want it. My mom regrets the lawyer fees over these issues since the visits were never really taken.
Also I hope that you do not play the games that your ex is playing and try to put your daughter in the middle. It is really an awful thing to do to a small child. Again I talk from experience. You should try not to say anything negative about her Dad in front of her. I hope that you can find peace in your heart and navigate your way though this terrible mess that divorce can cause!

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I really think it's common that this type of behavior happens after a visit. My niece did the same thing when she went to visit her mom ( we had full custody of her). Try not to take it personally and make sure you maintain whatever boundaries you have set up.

Try to remember that this is tremendously hard for Amber and she's going to lash out at the people that she trusts the most...ie you and your family.

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I just wanted to offer I cant imagine how hard that is to hear. However I agree with everyone else, she is trying to hold onto whatever attention your ex is giving her in hopes it will continue. Hopefully this phase will pass quickly, 3 years old is so young to make sense of everything

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No advice really, just some

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I was a product of this. When my mom actually did take us for visits in the beginning, that's all I wanted to do was stay there...I pitched a fit, cried hysterically, and them some when I had to come home.
And in hindsight it WAS because there was no real structure, everything was a novelty, and well Mom didn't really have to discipline me so much...

I cringe at the pain I must have inflicted on my Dad when he knew how terrible my mom actually was...but in the end I saw through it all.


I am so sorry that you are going through this. Just some advice from a daughter in Amber's situation...stay stern, stay the strong parent who disciplines...she may not be loving that now, but in the end it really is best for her.

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