Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

My older stepdaughter has a boyfriend for a year now. We gave him our old car because he needed one. He said he wouldn't feel comfortable taking it unless he gave us $1000 for it at some point. Well, he has managed to become very comfortable, but thats besides the point...

My beef is, ever since he got this car, when he comes to pick her up, he texts her that he is outside, and she comes out.

He doesn't come inside to get her, say hello to us, etc... Now, I know its not the 50's, but he knows us. We have gone away with him, spent time with him, and think we have a relationship of some sort with him. I also think its disrespectful to my stepdaughter to not make that effort for her sake, and she doesn't know the difference...

I can't say anything (not to her) because after last year I have backed off significantly. I did tell DH, but he doesn't see it as a big deal and what could we do about it - the kid will be resentful if we make any type of deal about it (he has this issue with authority been there, done that dude. Welcome to adolescence)

Are the times they are a'changing, and did I become old fashioned all of a sudden, or is that something you will expect when your DD gets older?

I will tell you one thing - if I found out Cailen was doing that to his GF, I would be APPALLED and have a nice sit down talk with him. So, moms of sons - you can share your input as well.....

Message edited 5/18/2009 6:36:48 AM.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

Well, I can only speak for myself but I know when I was dating my boyfriend (now DH) back in high school he didn't always come in when he picked me up. I never thought anything about it at the time and my parents never seemed to have an issue so I'm guessing it wasn't a big deal.

It probably bothers you more than your stepdaughter, I would guess she doesn't even notice necessarily. I am sure it's not done out of rudeness or disrespect. Just remember back when you were a teenager...........I know with me I was always running here or there with my friends and I wouldn't have expected them to always come in and greet my parents because honestly, I didn't always do the same with their parents. I would let it go.......I don't really think it's a big deal and with teenagers you need to pick your battles. If that's the worst thing going on with your stepdaughter then you have it pretty good!

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

When dating DH, we were in high school, so we were young. He didn't come to the door (he did NOT just honk though), but I came out to the car. My Dad did say things about it, but I defended (then BF) and told my Dad that I was okay with him not coming to the door. There were a lot of things he did not do for me, but I thought of myself as an "I can do it" kind of girl so I didn't think about it.
Fast forward to yesterday. DH and I were walking and I was carrying three awkward things and DH was holding nothing. Not only did he not offer to take something, but I asked him to hold something and he said no . That's where I get flashbacks to my dating days and realize that it alllll started back then.
Moral to my story, is if she let's him "get away with it" now, it will never change in the future and may get worse.

ETA: meaning manners in general

Message edited 5/18/2009 7:52:51 AM.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

At one point I was seeing this guy when I was about 17. He only had come to the door one or two times and that was to meet my parents. After that never and that use to drive my dad nuts. Looking back I didn't think anything of it. I felt like we were multitasking . We weren't wasting time of him getting out making small talk then going back in because I had a curfew of 10pm then.

My brothers are almost 23 and 21 and I know that they don't do. It still bothers my dad even if it my brothers friend . My dad will say something in a joking fashion so now most of them come in unless they are running late. What's interesting though, is that my sister is 18 as are her friends. They never come in the house when they come to pick her up they either text or call her cell. It doesn't bother my dad at all.

I will teach DS and DD those manners and also explain to them that there friends should really come to the door.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I know that my father would have been VERY upset if my boyfriend didnt come to the door to pick me up, even if it was just to get me, not for small talk or anything. My parents see it as just good manners. I know DH is very conservative and would feel the same way, and I agree with the PP, if you let them get away with something, they will continue those behaviors... DH has his faults that I have let him get away with, and now it is very hard to break them.. She should be taught that she deserves more!!! AND that he should have respect for her family and what they expect. JMO...

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

Oh, we let it go because as many remember this has not been the worst thing. I know I have certain expectations when it comes to respect because I had self esteem issues growing up so maybe this is common practice. I never dated guys who would come to the door because I had to sneak around when dating. I never said anything to her, just dh.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I think 95% of the time my HS boyfriend would come into the house. 1...b/c I usually wasnt ready and 2...b/c it was the polite thing to do and he would just B/S with my parents while I was finishing up.

There were times though that I would just go out to the car if we were running late or other friends were in the car.

Ehh...I dont know if it is something worth a battle with your step-daughter over. I doubt she is going to marry the guy

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

After last year I don't battle anything with her anymore. Plus I would never put her in a position that she has no control over. I think he is a little rude, not her!

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I don't think it matters that it's "not the 50s" or that you're being old-fashioned. It's a matter of respect, IMO. And I will 100% expect future boyfriends to come in or at the very least ring the bell. If I had a son, I would expect he do the same.

If I were this kid, I'd be bending over backwards for your family lest you call in the $1000!

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

If I had a daughter and she had a boyfriend, especially one that she's been seeing for a year, hells yeah he's coming into the house. It's rude and dispectful in my opinion and to me it shows lacking proper manners...

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I had a guy beep for me ONE time. After my mom went out instead he NEVER did it again. That was big in my house. Its all about respect my mom would say. She didnt care how late we would be going somewhere, he better come to the door.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

My parents never asked anyone to come in the house but I don't recall any boyfriend beeping their horn for me to run out. They always came in & said hello. If we were going to the movies, etc., my friends were a different story. They would beep their horn.

Maddie won't be running out for any guy that doesn't come to the door. It's a respect thing. Joseph better not do the beep thing either or he won't have a car to pick people up.

We also have a very short driveway. Our friend had a choice to run through an arbor or go down three flights of stairs to her driveway. I'm sure her some of her boyfriends beeped.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I don't think its a big deal at all. When I dated DH when we were 17 he wouldn't always come upstairs to say hi to my parents (we lived in an apartment building). If he did we would have never left, LOL.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I think we have to learn to let go. We are never to be buddy buddy with them. We are the age of their parents. And as much as we like the BFs that may come in our DD's life, they don't really want to hang out with us... EVEN if they went on vacation with us! All they care about is the girl!

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

Dh and I have been together since I was 20. Whenever we would go out he would ALWAYS come in to get me.

To me it is polite plain and simple.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I don't think that would have gone over well in my house growing up... and I lived in Brooklyn where parking spots were hard to find! But my boyfriend(s) had to park (or double park) and come inside to feel the weight of my mother's glare before I went anywhere with them.

I remember when I asked my dad if he wanted to meet my boyfriend (who was sitting in his car outside) and my dad said "tell him to get his disrespectful a$$ out of the car."

So yeah, my daughter will have to suffer the torture of parading her boyfriend in front of me and DH before she goes out with him. At the very least, he'll have to ring the doorbell.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I do happen to think it is rude (of course I didnt when I was a teenager, though )
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Next time you see him, maybe you can make a lighthearted joke that will get your point across?

ETA - He doesnt have to come in every single time, but once in a while would show some respect to you and her, IMO

Message edited 5/18/2009 10:58:01 AM.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I was never allowed out of the house unless my boyfriend came to the door. At the time I hated it and thought my parents were the worst, but now I completely understand.

I plan on doing the same with my daughter and DH agrees. You want to date my daughter then you will come to the door to pick her up and say hello to us.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

If my parents already knew the boy and we were going somewhere IMO it was silly for him to have to come to the door to get me. They knew who he was and we were going out not staying at the house. I don't see the big deal

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

To be honest, I think it's rude that your SD is using the time she is supposed to be spending at her dad's house, out with her boyfriend.

The not coming in thing, if it was every single time, yes it's rude. But really, what can you do? I think if you say something, it's just going to cause friction. You have met the guy and "know" him, so it's not like a random stranger is picking her up.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

i can see the respect issue and my mom always had something to say when someone didnt come to the door for me - but i never thought it was a big deal and neither does my 17 year old sister....in fact, i didnt want my dates/boyfriends coming inside b/c my parents are embarrasing (and still are!) and i am married now

also, i remember when guys did come inside it was awkward and uncomfortable for him and me - so i tried to avoid it at all costs

i think times have changed, i dont think its a big deal and i dont think he respects your stepdaughter or you any less b/c he isnt ringing the doorbell

Message edited 5/18/2009 11:16:57 AM.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

If he was picking her up to go to school together or to bring her to work, I wouldn't have a problem with it as long as he wasn't beeping the horn.

If he was picking her up on a weekend just to hang out, he should come to the door.

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

Re: Moms of daughters - something I find very RUDE (moms of sons, you can come in too....)

I absolutely don't think you are being old fashioned - coming inside the house and greeting everyone is the polite and right thing to do.
All of our boyfriends (me and my sister's growing up) always rang the doorbell and came inside the house to say hello to everyone. My dad wouldn't let us leave with them let alone date them anymore f he didn't come inside and say hello - its just rude.
Maybe your step-daughter could mention it to him and let him know that her family appreciates you coming insde the house to say hello before we go on our date - if he refuses and doesn't make some sort of change or attempt to fulfill that - then personally i don't think she should continue to date him. Its just not nice.
Maybe he wasn't taught that it was the polite thing to do - but he can always learn.