Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I was reading that tshirt post, and it seems that adoption is one of those pet peeve questions....

My question is - why?

DH and I decided before we got married if we had trouble having a kid, we would go straight to adoption instead of putting time, a lot of money, and energy into the whole fertility thing. Adoption is expensive as well, but I feel there is a better chance of having a child this way... right?

DH was adopted, and we have a lot of friends who were adopted, and friends who adopted. A family is a family, and they love their children as if they were from their own flesh and blood...

I'm thinking - for the most part, if you decide to adopt, at least you are guaranteed a child...

So, I'm just curious why that isnt considered in the whole TTC process? Why is this such a no-no and a source of anger?

I STILL think of adopting sometimes...

Just your thoughts, please.. like I said - I am not judging or saying anyone is doing anything wrong... I also know a lot of women who went thru the fertility thing and are so happy they did when they wound up with their child, so its all a mater of what works for you... I'm just curious to hear your thoughts on this...

TIA!

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I guess for me and DH our best case scenario for TTC'ing is that we can have a baby on our own. We didnt rule out adoption but right now its just not an option.

I am not against adoption. I have even discussed with Dh - adopting even if we do have our own children. Just for the simple fact of being able to provide a wonderful home for a child in need.

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Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I have every intention of adopting if I get pregnant or not. I come from a long line of adopted family members, and can't imagine going through life without giving a child a home. But I think it is a sore spot on how people bring it up. People just phrase it very poorly. It is hard to explain. No one can imagine the pain unless they have been through not being able to have a baby.

Message edited 11/28/2007 10:48:07 PM.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I am not TTC but have though of adopting for a long long time, i love the chance that you are able to give a child.

I know for myself if for some reason there is no way to get PG on our own, I know i will not go through invitro, or any other process that could jeapordize my health in the long run. So we would start the adoption process right away.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I will only speak for my DH and myself and I am sure our answers will not be terribly popular. I only hope my feelings are respected and I am not chastised for them.

We want to give ourselves every opportunity to have our own children. We deserve that right. We are not considering adoption at this point and we probably never will. There are multiple reasons.

The first reason is that we will have exhausted every opportunity medically, financially and timewise within our means. If in the future we are unsuccessful, it would not be for a few years from now. To start the adoption process then could (and probably would) be even more draining on us physically, emotionally and financially. We are 37 now. We would probably stop TTC at around 42 THE LATEST if we do not have kids by then.

Another reason, FOR ME, especially considering I have IF issues, I would feel defeated if I immediately said "I can always adopt." I know I can adopt. I have to believe that I can have children of my own. My positivity thus far has kept me from going into a downward spiral and serious depression. I am not obligated to adopt if I cannot have children and I seriously resent when people say that I should. Not saying anyone here is, but people in my life do impose adoption upon me all the time. I do not have to adopt if I cannot have my own kids. I wish people would understand that.

For those who wish to adopt, I applaud and respect you. You are giving love and a home to a child who needs it. It is simply not up for consideration right now in my world.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

We're not TTC yet, but DH and I are big time planners and have discussed this whole thing extensively. For us, adoption is just not an option we would consider- whether we conceive our own child or not. Most of it has to do with playing the genetics lottery, and then there's also the process itself. I don't know about the anger (since everyone pretty much knows were not TTC so they don't ask ), but i think its similar to anything else- no one wants to hear what their 'fall back' (for lack of a better term) option is when they're clearly working towards a different goal- it underminds their feelings and just isn't a therapeutic response. I applaud those who do adopt, but for us, its not a consideration.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

didn't see the original post, but DH and I have talked about adoption as an option.

While we think adoption is an amazing thing, we would most likely only adopt if we were faced with having to go through extended fertility treatment. DH feels that he would rather not have biological and adopted children together - which I think is really interesting. My grandparents fostered children for a very long time and they adopted my aunt when the rest of their children were pretty much grown (youngest at the time was 16, I think).

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adoption is always in the back of my mind. However, I will not consider it until I am told there is no possible way for me to carry my own child. 6 months ago, I convinced myself that I was only willing to go as far as having IUI's done and if that didn't get me pregnant we would look into adoption. Now, I'm on my 4th and final IUI cycle and if this does not work, I am full steam ahead in doing IVF. Adoption is not taboo for us, but I want the opportunity to carry my own child. So, saying that you (and I mean you in the general sense, not singling anyone out) would consider adoption over fertility treatments is easy if you have not been in a position where it is difficult to conceive. When the desire/need is so strong, you find you will do what it takes to make it happen.

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We are suffering from Infertility and I HATE HATE when people tell me to just go and adopt and than I will get PG. Just because Adoption is for some people doesn't mean it is for all people.. and just because other people would adopt if they were in my position or even if they just feel adoption is great.. doesn't mean they should go tell me what to do to make this whole situation better.. Adopting for me will not make this go away, it will not make it better.. I want a child of my own (call me selfish).. but that is what I WANT. I also don't feel that starting the adoption process only for the sole purpose of getting pg is at all a good idea for me. Yes I have many many other reason that I don't want to adopt, but the rage I feel when people tell me what is best for me through my difficult time is sometimes unbearable.

Edited to say one more thing.. I had a dream last night that I was PG and going through labor.. I WANT that experience in my life.. I want to carry my own child and look down at my big fat belly.. I have always wanted that. So to skip over that part and go right to adoption would also be a very difficult thing for me to face. Again call me selfish.

Message edited 11/29/2007 8:31:55 AM.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

It is something that has come up between us because of our IF issues but at this point it is not something we are considering. We have been told that there is no reason we shouldn't be able to have our own child and I would like to do everything possible to achieve that before thinking about "other options".

I think it is wonderful to adopt but I would like the opportunity to be pregnant and give birth to my own child. Until that becomes and impossibility it's not something I can really consider.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I have years before I can even consider this. I would love to because it is something I have always wanted to do for a child.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

Adoption is a serious consideration for me - even if I weren't having fertility issues, I've always deeply considered it as something I really want - but, my husband, unfortunately, isn't quite as on board as I am, so that's a major reason why we aren't moving straight to adoption.

On the other hand, too, I can see why many people would strive first to have their own child - there's something very satisfying in looking in your own eyes when you look at your child - or, for those of us blessed with spirited little children, it eases those frustrating moments when I can sit back and chuckle because I know she inherited this personality from my husband. And feeling your child inside your body, kicking, yawning and stretching, and knowing their personality just when they are inside of you, is magical and indescribable. I yearn to have that feeling again.

And, there are issues with adoption that are undeniable - you don't always know your child's medical history, social background, etc. In my field of work, I see a lot of children who are struggling with behavioral issues and in their file, it says that they were adopted and had difficulties bonding with their new family. While that's certainly not true for all adoptions, it's certainly a risk and one that I would consider when thinking about whether or not I'll go for IVF, or adoption. But, also, by the same token, there are just as many risks in having your own child...

For these reasons, I would try , at least for a couple of years, everything I can to get myself in shape to be able to have my own child again. If we ever got to the point where we were told we just couldn't have a child again, or only through IVF, at that point I would have a very serious discussion with my husband about adoption.

But, with that said, I do have to add, I'm really, truly, deeply happy that I pursued my fertility issues with an RE - in this process a few medical issues, totally unrelated to fertility, have been discovered. If I hadn't seen her, god knows when these things would have been discovered, and the longer I waited, the more serious these issues could have become.

Message edited 11/29/2007 9:08:54 AM.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

Dh and myself come from a families that have adopted before.

We are experiencing IF issues TTC our 2nd child. We have a long way before we have exhausted all of our options of conceiving our own child. DH and I have discussed adopting a few times. If the time comes (god forbid) that the Dr tells us there is no way we can conceive our own child, we will discusses it more seriously. We are not against it now but down the line things may change, like our age and financial situation, that would have to be considered.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

We just started TTC (this is the first month that I used an OPK). If it doesn't happen for us within 4 years (by the time I am in my late 30's) I would seriously consider adoption. Honestly I would consider it now but it is really important to DH that we try to have one of our own. I LOVE the idea of adopting a child that is already here and needs a loving home. I also love the idea of experiencing pregnancy, birth and having something I know DH and I created together.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

I would totally adopt if we could not have our own ~ I sometimes think if we have one and maybe #2 could be adopted ~ I would love that child as if it were from inside of me...

I was talking to a friend yesterday actually and she was saying it is getting harder and harder to adopt these days ~ not sure how accurate this statement is ~ but I was just curious if is it a long process etc?

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Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

This has been something that has been discussed between my husband and i and we are open to it. But for us it is a "last resort." My issue is I can get pregnant-I just can not hold a pregnancy(yet!)It is very frustrating when I have done all my research and know I have not reached the end of my road and people are rushing me to the end.

Just like many of the other posters I want to feel my own baby, made from my husband and I, rolling around inside my belly. I want to give birth and have that baby laid on me and stare into his or her eyes and know how hard and long we worked for that and it is finally a reality. I want to see my husbands eyes and smile when I look at our babies. I want to know that my baby makes the faces I have inherited from my Dad.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

IMO, I would like to have my own biological baby, but also would adopt too. My niece is adopted and she is a beautiful , healthy little girl.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

We are TTC and we have always considered adoption whether we are able to have our own child or not. I have adopted family members and it is a wonderful thing. It's not easy though. My aunt and uncle went through years and a ton of money in the adoption process for my cousin and also had the heartache of the birth mother changing her mind once the baby was born and having to go through the whole process again.

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I am 100% open to adoption. DH is open to it as well, but has some reservations. I always thought that I would adopt a child in addition to my own biological children. And if after all my fertility treatments we cannot have our own, I will definitely adopt a child. However, I want a child that is part me, part DH. I also want to know what it's like to feel that child grow and develop inside of me. If I was told that I could never have this, then I would have no problem adopting a child who needs loving parents and a good home.

Re: Just a question re:opinions on adoption...

DH and i plan to adopt a child internationally at some point in our lives. as a matter of fact, we were seriously looking into it (picked a country and an agency) for our first child, but when we got pregnant the plans got put aside for a little while. right now we are deciding whether we want to adopt next or try for another biological child first and then adopt.

having my own biological child has made me want to adopt even more because i realize more than ever how much every baby needs a mom. when my baby cries there is someone there to pick him up and console him. when he is awake there is someone there to play with him and stimulate his mind. the thought that there are babies out there who don't have these things makes my heart ache.

i feel that i have been blessed in so many ways in my life, most recently with my beautiful baby boy. adopting for me is a way of giving back, of giving a child opportunities that he/she wouldn't have had otherwise. i can't wait to do it!