How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

DD is almost 14 weeks old. I have had it. I am just so exhausted and sick of raising her alone. She is literally asleep by the time DH gets home. DH also entertains clients a lot and gets home very late so it will literally be days in between when he sees her. When the weekend rolls around I have to beg him to help out with nighttime feedings and her early morning awakenings. When he does wake up with her he doesn't know what to do with her...doesn't know where certain items are, etc.

DH works very hard and I understand that he wants to sleep in sometimes too, but I'm just so stressed. My IL's were coming over once a week for awhile to give me a "break", but they are too busy traveling to their different houses (they have 3) and are gone for weeks at a time. We are going to get a mother's helper once a week, but that still isn't going to change the fact that I hate that DD is just not going to know her Father. She stares at him with no recognition (I know she's only 3.5 months, but she reacts totally different to me).

How do you SAHM's stay sane? DH makes good money and he uses that over and over again...like DD is my "job" and his is making the money. We argued all night tonight about whose job is harder. I just wish he would take more initiative with her. He knows I'm stressed...I just want him to ONE time wake up in the middle of the night with her. It would mean the world. Like...instead of asking "what's for dinner"...just bring home some friggin takeout. Tell me I look pretty....I lost all the baby weight and all he can focus on is how my E boobs have deflated to C's.

Maybe I'm being hard on him. He is a good guy, but I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. We are very lucky and financially stable and I know things could be A LOT worse...but sometimes I just feel down.

Any words of wisdom or would help. I know we'll get through this...it's just tough right now.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

No advise but

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

I have no words of wisdom unfortunately - just lots of hugs.

DH works full time - not ask much as yours though. He does get to come home for a whopping 15 mins during lunch too so that he can see Jack.

It is completley overwhelming I think. I know they look at is as they are bringing in the $$ and working full time....but we are also working our azzes off. I am beyond exhausted at times - and I just beg Jack to take a little nap so that I can regain some sanity.

The only thing that has been helping me - is getting out of the house more. It breaks up the day and I don't feel so much like a prisoner all the time.

I know I should also be grateful that I can stay at home (well, technically I work from home...but since the market has slowed down there hasn't been much working) and I know that so many moms would love this opportunity....but it is nice to have help once in a while.

My DH really does try to help alot with Jack so I can't complain too much...but....he still gets to go on with his life...the gym, work and socialize with adults, golfing every weekend. The only thing I've done is go out to dinner with my girls in three months.

Sorry to rant - just wanted you to know that you are not alone! I hope it gets easier soon!

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Welcome to my world. My DH travels for work most weeks Monday-Thursday. And we live far away from everyone we know. We moved for the job. It's great money and I appreciate being home with DD, but it is so hard. I will tell you that I think it's gotten easier for me. You need to take time out for yourself on the weekends. I hardly ever do it because it's the only time we have together as a family, but after having a serious meltdown a few weeks ago, we both realized it just needs to happen so I'm trying. Don't talk about who has it harder. That's not fair to either of you and no one will win that discussion. My DH finally listened when I had a meltdown on the phone one morning while he was away. I didn't even see it coming. I think you should sit down with him & calmly explain how overwhelmed you are. And leave him alone with her for awhile. Then he might start to understand and support you better.

ETA: joining playgroups/classes/programs has helped too. It will get easier when DD is older.

Message edited 9/26/2007 9:13:22 PM.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Its tough no doubt. Communication is the ley. You have to get to a point where your calm enough to talk and explain things to him rationally. Which is very hard when your upset.

I fly off the handle and get upset so much and DH reacts and we get nothing resolved.

When I finally calm down enough to explain it ALL to him, he "Gets" it.

I made a list of EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis, down to feeding the dog and he couldnt believe it and didnt think he could do it.

On one Sat. Morning, I said Im gonna feed the baby, but can you make my coffee, feed the dog, give her water, feed the cats, give them fresh water, pour me a cup of coffee , open all the windows and blinds and put the mail out, oh and turn on the TV and get the baby a bib and change his diaper first.

It took him like 30 minutes to do it all, all the silly things, and I said...THATS THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES of my Day...do you understand now?....And He got the point.

Hang in there....It will get better as DS gets older.

Message edited 9/26/2007 9:15:06 PM.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Posted by johnsae

DD is almost 14 weeks old. I have had it. I am just so exhausted and sick of raising her alone. She is literally asleep by the time DH gets home. DH also entertains clients a lot and gets home very late so it will literally be days in between when he sees her. When the weekend rolls around I have to beg him to help out with nighttime feedings and her early morning awakenings. When he does wake up with her he doesn't know what to do with her...doesn't know where certain items are, etc.

DH works very hard and I understand that he wants to sleep in sometimes too, but I'm just so stressed. My IL's were coming over once a week for awhile to give me a "break", but they are too busy traveling to their different houses (they have 3) and are gone for weeks at a time. We are going to get a mother's helper once a week, but that still isn't going to change the fact that I hate that DD is just not going to know her Father. She stares at him with no recognition (I know she's only 3.5 months, but she reacts totally different to me).

How do you SAHM's stay sane? DH makes good money and he uses that over and over again...like DD is my "job" and his is making the money. We argued all night tonight about whose job is harder. I just wish he would take more initiative with her. He knows I'm stressed...I just want him to ONE time wake up in the middle of the night with her. It would mean the world. Like...instead of asking "what's for dinner"...just bring home some friggin takeout. Tell me I look pretty....I lost all the baby weight and all he can focus on is how my E boobs have deflated to C's.

Maybe I'm being hard on him. He is a good guy, but I'm just feeling very overwhelmed. We are very lucky and financially stable and I know things could be A LOT worse...but sometimes I just feel down.

Any words of wisdom or would help. I know we'll get through this...it's just tough right now.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Posted by SuzyQ

Welcome to my world. My DH travels for work most weeks Monday-Thursday. And we live far away from everyone we know. We moved for the job. It's great money and I appreciate being home with DD, but it is so hard. I will tell you that I think it's gotten easier for me. You need to take time out for yourself on the weekends. I hardly ever do it because it's the only time we have together as a family, but after having a serious meltdown a few weeks ago, we both realized it just needs to happen so I'm trying. Don't talk about who has it harder. That's not fair to either of you and no one will win that discussion. My DH finally listened when I had a meltdown on the phone one morning while he was away. I didn't even see it coming. I think you should sit down with him & calmly explain how overwhelmed you are. And leave him alone with her for awhile. Then he might start to understand and support you better.

ETA: joining playgroups/classes/programs has helped too. It will get easier when DD is older.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Posted by dm24angel

Its tough no doubt. Communication is the ley. You have to get to a point where your calm enough to talk and explain things to him rationally. Which is very hard when your upset.

I fly off the handle and get upset so much and DH reacts and we get nothing resolved.

When I finally calm down enough to explain it ALL to him, he "Gets" it.

I made a list of EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis, down to feeding the dog and he couldnt believe it and didnt think he could do it.

On one Sat. Morning, I said Im gonna feed the baby, but can you make my coffee, feed the dog, give her water, feed the cats, give them fresh water, pour me a cup of coffee , open all the windows and blinds and put the mail out, oh and turn on the TV and get the baby a bib and change his diaper first.

It took him like 30 minutes to do it all, all the silly things, and I said...THATS THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES of my Day...do you understand now?....And He got the point.

Hang in there....It will get better as DS gets older.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Posted by johnsae

Posted by dm24angel

Its tough no doubt. Communication is the ley. You have to get to a point where your calm enough to talk and explain things to him rationally. Which is very hard when your upset.

I fly off the handle and get upset so much and DH reacts and we get nothing resolved.

When I finally calm down enough to explain it ALL to him, he "Gets" it.

I made a list of EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis, down to feeding the dog and he couldnt believe it and didnt think he could do it.

On one Sat. Morning, I said Im gonna feed the baby, but can you make my coffee, feed the dog, give her water, feed the cats, give them fresh water, pour me a cup of coffee , open all the windows and blinds and put the mail out, oh and turn on the TV and get the baby a bib and change his diaper first.

It took him like 30 minutes to do it all, all the silly things, and I said...THATS THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES of my Day...do you understand now?....And He got the point.

Hang in there....It will get better as DS gets older.

GREAT advice. I'm going to write down everything I do...although he'll probably respond by saying..."commute an hour and a half into the city every day and do my job..."....but I really don't think he has a clue as to what I do all day. It's SO frustrating b/c I work so hard to keep the house in order and then he comes home and makes a sandwich and gets crumbs everywhere and leaves his silverware in the sink (just put it in the dishwasher)...and I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. How do I learn to relax a little with things like this?

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

I think a lot of mom's feel this way, SAH or not. I know reading your post, I feel the same way as my Dh leaves at 7 and comes home at 7=8 on a good night, and travels overnight sometimes. He is leaving next month for a few days, I'll have a 21 month old and a two month old by myself for three or four days!! Even though my husband is *pretty good*, he wasn't always and isn't always...you have to give them things to do to help out. Even the second time around, he was sitting with the baby crying watching the met game I was like "Hello? Why aren't you soothing him???" He said "what am I supposed to do?" DUH My friend who is a SAHM has the same fight with her dh, raising the child is her Job because he makes the $$. Its really hard, but if there is anyway to get time to yourself, take advantage (IL's, mother's helper)

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

I can relate X2 . My DH works long hours frequently--in fact he's working right now! He really is a great dad, but I still think it's hard for most men to understand what a day at home alllll day with a baby is like. It's a job that you can never punch out of!!!

However, that said, I truly don't believe his job is harder or my "job" is harder--they both have their ups and downs. Sometimes when I feel like complaining, (oh, and I can and do ) I remind myself of that. He has stresses that *I* don't understand.

I also understand when you said he doesn't take the initiative--I had to remind my DH that the baby was not radioactive. On the upside, he is great with our 2 year old. So, I think (and hope) that in a little time your DH will be digging the whole parenting thing much more when your DD really starts getting to be a lot of fun--also, before you know it, those late night feedings won't exist.

Trust me, I could ramble on A LOT more, but I won't! Oh and for what it's worth--my DH WISHES my boobs were Cs

Hang in there!!

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

My dh works in retail and has long hours. He comes home at 9pm mostly every night but Sunday. It's just me, myself and I watching the baby.

Things I do to keep sane?
Go on LIF while Jared is napping
Hang out with my other girlfriends (who are also SAHMs)
Bring Jared to the park
Go shopping with Jared.
Go to the boardwalk.

Anything you can do to get out of the house is wonderful!!

Message edited 9/26/2007 9:40:07 PM.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Like the PPs said - definitely get out of the house. Keeping to a strict routine makes things go smoothly (most of the time) and when he does get home get out and do something for yourself!

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Posted by johnsae

Posted by dm24angel

Its tough no doubt. Communication is the ley. You have to get to a point where your calm enough to talk and explain things to him rationally. Which is very hard when your upset.

I fly off the handle and get upset so much and DH reacts and we get nothing resolved.

When I finally calm down enough to explain it ALL to him, he "Gets" it.

I made a list of EVERYTHING I do on a daily basis, down to feeding the dog and he couldnt believe it and didnt think he could do it.

On one Sat. Morning, I said Im gonna feed the baby, but can you make my coffee, feed the dog, give her water, feed the cats, give them fresh water, pour me a cup of coffee , open all the windows and blinds and put the mail out, oh and turn on the TV and get the baby a bib and change his diaper first.

It took him like 30 minutes to do it all, all the silly things, and I said...THATS THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES of my Day...do you understand now?....And He got the point.

Hang in there....It will get better as DS gets older.

GREAT advice. I'm going to write down everything I do...although he'll probably respond by saying..."commute an hour and a half into the city every day and do my job..."....but I really don't think he has a clue as to what I do all day. It's SO frustrating b/c I work so hard to keep the house in order and then he comes home and makes a sandwich and gets crumbs everywhere and leaves his silverware in the sink (just put it in the dishwasher)...and I think I'm going to have a nervous breakdown. How do I learn to relax a little with things like this?

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

OMG, My DH says the SAME THING about my drinking, which is now a nightly glass or five of wine b/c Its my "me" time.....

OMG, we need to give them all a "class" ...we really do.

Message edited 9/26/2007 9:34:02 PM.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

My DH and I had a huge blowout last weekend because I felt like I was losing it......my DH works crazy hours and get home long after I am in bed every night.

Basically, we both feel like we are doing more "work" My issue was not that i want him to do stuff around the house....I want him to do stuff with DS over the weekend so that I can have a little break. He attempts to do stuff, but after a few minutes it turns into "mommy we need a bib, or a diaper, or a bottle etc." Then i get resentful and it has been a vicous cycle. My DS will be 6 mths on sunday and DH has not once gotten up in the morning with him on the weekend (when he was getting up during the night still DH would feed him at midnight sometimes)

Anway....I lost it this weekend but it led to a good conversation for us. I left him with DS for a few hours (without leaving everything "prepared" and laid out for him) and by the time I got home he had a newfound respect for what a SAHM does. It took a dose of reality for him to see that it is not easy. My problem was that whenever DH did something with DS I alwaus made sure he had everything he needed ready and right at his fingertips, not making him realize the "prep" work that goes into it.

Sorry, this got a little long-winded!!! But, my advice is to leave him with the baby for a little while and let him see that it is not easy. Try to sit down and talk rationally before you blow up b/c otherwise it is inevitable.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Posted by Eireann

I can relate X2 . My DH works long hours frequently--in fact he's working right now! He really is a great dad, but I still think it's hard for most men to understand what a day at home alllll day with a baby is like. It's a job that you can never punch out of!!!

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

I agree about getting a mother's helper/babysitter. I've been thinking about doing that a few hours a week. Also, I always did it to myself. I would try to do too much. My "To Do" list was crazy. It took me awhile to realize that I just can't do it all. And DD is the priority. Now I enjoy playing & dancing with her everyday.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

No advice, just .

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

I knowhow you feel Alicia. Dh works long hours and always has. He leaves at 10am and doesnt get home until 11pm and sometimes 12 or 1 am. I am starting to feel like i am doing everything by myself. I will be going back to work soon but DH will still have to work those long hours. I too feel that DS has a different bond with me. He smiles with me more then he does with DH. DH makes really good money so leaving his job is not an option. I guess i have to grin and bear it until we finally are entreprenuers.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

No advice - but I was wondering the same thing when I was on maternity leave... thats why at 8 wks I was more than happy to go back to work - I needed the break!!!!

ETA - I should add that things got harder... not only do I work all day at my job, I come home and work all night as a mom, since DH doesnt come home also til very late, works Saturdays... and then I have his daughters on saturdays while he works... Sunday is never relaxing, because one of his daughters always has something to go to....

I guess its tough all around.... They left that out of the mommy handbook!

Message edited 9/26/2007 10:04:10 PM.

Re: How do you SAHM's with DH's that work a lot do it?

I was (and still sort of am) in the same boat especially when DD was an infant. I don't think DH ever made her a bottle, he never changed her diaper until 2 weeks ago when he absolutely had to (I wasn't home). Another problem was that I never ASKED him to do anything. If I did, maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad. He works long hours and is hardly home on weekends as well. Now that DD is 2, she fully recognizes him as her "daddy" but no matter what, she always wants me. We STILL have blow-outs over who "works" more and I guess until we switch places, we'll never know. We just came to the conclusion that we both have to respect each other and the jobs we do and help each other as much as we can. I know how hard it can be sometimes...but, try not to sweat the small stuff and try ASKING him to help you out when possible.