In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

First off, sorry for the long post. My in-laws are very nice people, however, they are spur of the moment, spontaneous, won't plan or commit to anything in advance kind of people. I am the exact opposite and will fully admit that I have OCD planning to an extreme level that most would consider abnormal. This is not intended to bash last minute, non-planners, but every year around the holidays I find myself getting very frustrated at my in-laws lack of ability to commit to anything in advance. I know that we are only a few days into November, but my family has already started to talk about plans for Christmas. Clearly my family are planners and this is how I was raised. My brother and I are both married and each have kids, our spouses have parents and siblings, and we try to organize the holidays so that we all can be together for at least Christmas or Christmas Eve, knowing that people have other commitments and are also trying to plan things with their in-laws, extended family, friends, etc. I asked DH to casually bring up Christmas to his mother when they spoke this past weekend so that we could get a gauge on it and his mom basically laughed at the question and said to check back in the week before Christmas?!?!?! For those who might reply saying that she was probably joking, I can assure you she wasn't. Last year we started to ask about Thanksgiving plans in late October/early November so we could schedule and she kept pushing it off, no response, check back later. Well fast forward to the day before Thanksgiving, MIL calls me saying that she was in the grocery store and decided to cook/host for the following day and were we available to come?!?! Ummmm, no, we made plans weeks ago and had made multiple attempts to include you in those plans. When DH and I do not attend these last minute gatherings, other family members tell us that his mom makes comments that "we are always so busy and have no time for them". This really annoys me and I feel makes us look bad to others. In closing, this is DD's first Christmas and I felt that maybe things would be different this year -- that they would be willing to commit to something in advance so that they definitely would be able to see her, but it looks as though I was wrong. I've offered to host the holiday and am happy to have his family come to us, but again, their inability to commit drives me crazy. Mostly because if they say they aren't going to come, then I'm not hosting the event. I'd be hosting for them. Also, I can't fathom the idea of shopping for food for a big holiday not knowing if people are coming or not until the very last minute. Is anyone else in a similar situation? How do you deal with family members who won't commit? I'm really just trying to get everyone together so that DH can see his family and I can see mine. Vent over. Meh.

Message edited 11/10/2015 12:57:34 PM.

In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I've dealt with this. If I'm hosting I say we are having the holiday everyone can be there at 2pm or whatever time. If we are not hosting and get a last minute invite we see if we can stop by for dessert or something but have learned not to let it get to us.

In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

My in laws to a T. I feel your pain. I just make plans and if they are they they show up. But things like my FIL birthday I had tons of stuff and a bridal shower I asked 2 months in advance and then again a month in advance they ignored me. So I went to the bridal shower and they did dinner- I missed it but oh well I asked in advance they had no plans so they got annoyed with me- but oh f-Ing well. I just don't care anymore and do what I want. Not my problem DH can deal with them

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

and that is why this is my least favorite part of the holidays...too stressful

I would just stay home in my pjs and eat from Boston Market

In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I would just say that I am having whatever holiday at whatever time and if you can make it, then feel free to. If not, then I'll see you another time. I can't be waiting until the last minute to do things. It annoys me!

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

This is my ILs to a teeeeee. I've stopped worrying about it, to be honest. I'll ask once, if there's nothing planned, I go ahead and get on with my life. If I miss an event with them, oh well. I don't host any events but having last minute attendees would drive me bananas. Maybe keep a few extra apps handy just in case? Ugh, how frustrating!

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I feel your pain! This is actually my family though. My brother talks about holiday crap with me for 6-8 weeks (only about the food) but won't actually commit to anything. Normally I suck it up, this year I kinda flipped out and said don't come, I'll be 27 weeks pregnant with my 4th and I put so much time and thought and energy into these meals, but I'm not making extra food and special things for people " in case" they come.

Sorry your dealing with this too

Eta- because it's your in laws I would have DH handle it with them. My DH is pissed my family is doing this to me again, but I don't want him in the middle of it, Bc it's just not worth it.

Message edited 11/10/2015 2:23:05 PM.

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

Stressful - agreed.

I'd make your plans with your family, and on that day, at that time, youi are unavailable. It's actaully very simple if you don't stress over it - SHE obviously isn't worried about it.

If she's so ladeeda about it, she will have to understand that while it's fine for HER - it's really NOT the norm for people trying to schedule around family and siblings and ILs, and kids and, and, and etc.

Is your DH an only child?

ETA - I usually end up hosting ILs for Christams only b/c I'm the only one w/ kids right now, and ILs are divorced - and it's just easier for me to say "We're doing Christmas on X date at Y time, hope you can make it" ......if they can't, that's fine, but if youi want to see my kids you'll have to make the effort, b/c I'm done.

Message edited 11/10/2015 2:26:59 PM.

In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I'd tell them you need to know if they're coming by a certain date. When that date passes and they don't have an answer I'd assume they weren't coming and if they call you the day before say "sorry I didn't know you were coming and have no food."

I have to say, I do everything last minute and even I can't wrap my head around deciding to host and grocery shopping the day before a holiday. That's just insane to me.

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I feel your pain too! My MIL never can commit to anything. DH and I are both only children so it would be easy for us to have holidays with just my parents and her and a few other close relatives but she can never give us an answer as to what she wants to do. After years of this, I now say, this is what we are doing and you are more than welcome to join us here or there where ever we may be.

Prime example, on Saturday she was planning to come out to visit (she lives on SI) we had already made plans to go out to dinner with my parents, so we called the restaurant and added her and then Saturday came and she didn't come out. This happens with every visit, holiday anything, we never know until the day of if she is coming and even then sometimes she cancels.

In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I have to add i.don't understand how hard it is to look at a phone or a paper calendar and maka plan. I can tell you what I have planned for.the next 6 months and what days I have free. I just don't get it.

Message edited 11/10/2015 4:28:46 PM.

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

we've missed many an event with ILs and cousins because they waited until the day before to invite us. now they know we need at least a week notice if they expect us to come.

MIL can never decide what to do about her birthday and waits until the last minute. DH has started telling her the best day to do parties about a month in advance. he just says we are available x day at y time, if you choose a weekday we will not make it. let us know. and she usually picks the time we are available.

i let them know about a month ahead about christmas Day (which i host) and they either show up or not. if they don't come, i jsut have freezer meals/leftovers for the week.

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

Sorry could have written this myself.

The worst was last Easter when at the last min MIL invited the entire family to my house without asking us only a week before. I was 37 weeks preggo and not physically capable of hosting. When we said no, I was told we needed to be more flexible.

I've now taken an approach to planning and having zero guilt if they are included or come. We bring it up in advance, make a plan and stick to it. I view it as their loss and their choices leading to missing out on fun things with the family

Re: In-laws who won't commit to anything in advance?

I have the opposite issue. My MIL owns every holiday. Basically your family will cease to exist once you marry into.hers. she did not like giving up holidays , but we made our plans and she had to deal. We used to keep track.of where we went for what, now we just however we are invited first. Lol or we host which solves a lot of problems.