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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
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Quite the dilemma
So my sister in law asked (more like informed) DH and I to be guardians of their children (2) should anything happen to them. I LOVE my niece and nephew but here is the problem(s).
1) We live in a co-op, we would not have room AT ALL for additional children on top of our own. I am sure we could make it work if we HAD to though as tight and miserable as it would be.
2) But here is the other issue. While we are doing just fine financially with our kids and our lives, we could not financially take on two more children. Problem is they dont have life insurance, either of them. So, should anything happen to them there is no money to help raise them (college, etc). It would really put us in a bind and I feel like my own children would suffer.
For instance, my DH and I have my sister listed as the guardians of our children but we have made sure that they are going to financially taken care of and it is not a burden my sister will have to bear. I wouldnt/couldnt do that to them. DH and I both have hefty life insurance policies and my sister is the secondary beneficiary on both, should something happen to DH and I.
I hope this is something that we never really have to worry about anyway but since yesterday, and she was like, "well you guys get the kids if something happens to us" and I was like "oh, I didnt know that."
Of course I would take them if that need ever arose, but my issue is more with how my SIL and BIL havent planned for it and my children would pay the price and have to sacrifice so that we could raise two more small children, pay for daycare for them, help put them through college, etc.
What would you do? Would you outright mention to them getting some life insurance? I just feel like a discussion should have been had, we shouldve been asked and they should be planning accordingly, god forbid, instead of casually being like "oh by the way"
Message edited 4/29/2013 10:04:38 AM.
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Posted 4/29/13 9:49 AM  |
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JSDB
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Member since 1/13 1329 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
I would bring up the subject again and mention that you did XYZ, such as deciding on a guardian, purchasing life insurance policies, etc. I think its very important for any parent to have life insurance
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| Posted 4/29/13 9:54 AM |
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Sparrow
LIF Adult
Member since 11/10 6826 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Yikes, that doesn't sound very considerate of them! I wouldn't want to be held responsible for providing for them financially either. That is totally unfair to you and your children. If I were going to ask this of someone (which I guess we really should think about) I would have a huge life insurance policy in place AND ask them if this is something they'd be willing to do for us. I would never just assume someone would take my children.
Luckily, this probably isn't anything you'll ever have to actually deal with. I might put it out there that while you'd love to help out if *God forbid* it were ever necessary, they have you realize you couldn't swing that financially unless they get some life insurance in place. You could even say it in a joking manner since it really isn't likely to happen.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:01 AM |
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alli3131
Peanut is here!!!!!!
Member since 5/09 18388 total posts
Name:
Allison
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Quite the dilemma
I would bring it up to them. And tell them while you would be happy to take them in there needs to be some sort of plan set up as to how to financially take care of them.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:01 AM |
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MarisaK
HELLO Manolo !!
Member since 5/06 14562 total posts
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Marisa
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Re: Quite the dilemma
A. When leaving your children in someone's care God forbid you die - you ASK the person if they are willing to take on that ENORMOUS responsibility
B. Children = the need for LIFE INSURANCE !!
What the hell is wrong w/ people?
I'd ABSOLUTELY bring that up !!
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:01 AM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
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M
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Re: Quite the dilemma
My brother and SIL called me when my nephew was born. They explained that DH and I were their first choice in case something happens, but that because they are in Toronto and we are in NY they listed my younger sister first and us second. I actually told them without hesitation that we would move home if God forbid this situation ever arose. My brother was very relieved to hear that and assured me that the substantial life insurance policy they took out could help us cover moving expenses if need be.
I am currently pregnant and I'm on DH daily to get started with our wills and life insurance. While I think it is flattering to ask someone to look after your children should something happen to you, nobody should assume a family member or friend is comfortable doing so. I would 100% talk to them and say something like "of course we all hope this never happens and this is unnecessary, but due to our own familial obligations and financial circumstance we really have to ask you to consider taking out life insurance to help us properly care for your children if the need does arise." I don't think that is unfair at all, and really it is the responsible thing for parents to do regardless!
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:08 AM |
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Paramount
Sweet!
Member since 7/12 4289 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Bring up the subject, and tell them both they need life insurance.
Im sorry. You have to be stupid to have children and not have life insurance.
I dont care how much you struggle financially. Is Cable TV worth more than life insurance?
Fancy cell phone, fancy cell phone plan?
Eating out?
I was in place in my life when I had to cut almost everyting to make it when I lost my job. MINIMAL cable. "Borrowed" internet from the neighbors.(with permission). No eating out. Clipped coupons. Watched my driving (for gas).
I did what I HAD to do to pay the rent and put food on the table.
You can NOT afford to NOT have life insurance if you have children. Its irresponsable.
And then on top of that ask someone to take your kids, and all the buden if something happens to you. You are asking them to have more responsability for kids that are not theirs then YOU have taken on for your own children.
Believe me when I tell you I have very first hand experience with this. And let this be a PSA to all. If you have children, get life insurance. Dont leave others with your burden if you both are gone.
ETA: Look. Im not trying to be harsh....but taking other children CAN happen. It does happen. Both parents can actiully die. Its a terrible terrible burden to be left with other peoples children to raise when both parent are gone, EVERYONE is in mourning, and not you have thing about how to raise extra kids with no extra means. Social security pays about $800 a month to a child who has lost a parent. It does NOT go up if both parents die. Plan. PLan and plan some more. Make sure that the ONLY thing someone taking your kids has to worry about it consoling them. Not how they are going to feed them, or send them to college.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:13 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Paramount
Bring up the subject, and tell them both they need life insurance.
Im sorry. You have to be stupid to have children and not have life insurance.
I dont care how much you struggle financially. Is Cable TV worth more than life insurance?
Fancy cell phone, fancy cell phone plan?
Eating out?
I was in place in my life when I had to cut almost everyting to make it when I lost my job. MINIMAL cable. "Borrowed" internet from the neighbors.(with permission). No eating out. Clipped coupons. Watched my driving (for gas).
I did what I HAD to do to pay the rent and put food on the table.
You can NOT afford to NOT have life insurance if you have children. Its irresponsable.
And then on top of that ask someone to take your kids, and all the buden if something happens to you. You are asking them to have more responsability for kids that are not theirs then YOU have taken on for your own children.
Believe me when I tell you I have very first hand experience with this. And let this be a PSA to all. If you have children, get life insurance. Dont leave others with your burden if you both are gone.
ETA: Look. Im not trying to be harsh....but taking other children CAN happen. It does happen. Both parents can actiully die. Its a terrible terrible burden to be left with other peoples children to raise when both parent are gone, EVERYONE is in mourning, and not you have thing about how to raise extra kids with no extra means. Social security pays about $800 a month to a child who has lost a parent. It does NOT go up if both parents die. Plan. PLan and plan some more. Make sure that the ONLY thing someone taking your kids has to worry about it consoling them. Not how they are going to feed them, or send them to college.
I dont think you sound harsh AT ALL. I think it sounds responsible, reasonable and what I would have assumed to have been common sense.
Thanks everyone, what an awkward thing to have to bring up. I guess it is them that should feel awkward though for even putting us in this position.
Message edited 4/29/2013 10:20:04 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:19 AM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
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Quite the dilemma
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:27 AM |
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AngnShaun
Sisters
Member since 1/10 21015 total posts
Name:
Ang
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Quite the dilemma
Wow that is huge!!! Its definitely something that needs to be discussed and agreed upon by everyone! I think its pretty irresponsible not to have life insurance if you have small children! I hope you can talk to them about it!
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:31 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
No offense, but I think it's irresponsible to NOT think of the financial aspect of it. No one said I wouldn't love and care for them.
Additionally, since the parents (BIL and SIL) ARE still here, I dont think its awful to think about this and discuss it with them AT ALL. There are no suffering children who lost their parents at the moment (and I hope there never is).
Would it be better to take on two children we couldnt afford, we couldnt properly care for all of the kids then. We would probably have to take second jobs, who would be there for the children when they need us most then? Not us, bc we would have to be working extra hours to make ends meet. What kind of life would it be for them to have additional burdens on top of having lost their parents?
It is not a subject we would broach bc we want to "make money off them", it takes A LOT of money to raise children, I would like them all to have good lives, I would like them all to be able to go to college. We considered our own finances before we had each of our own children, why not consider the finances of taking on two more children?
Message edited 4/29/2013 11:19:56 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:32 AM |
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GioiaMia
Let's Go Rangers!
Member since 1/07 14818 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
No offense, but I think it's irresponsible to NOT think of the financial aspect of it. No one said I wouldn't love and care for them.
We would make it work, end of story. and my children would not suffer because they would be learning to share and sacrifice for the good of their family.
FTR, I have life insurance. . . . and my brother never asked me a single question about it when I put him as a guardian. I think that would have made me question my choice.
Message edited 4/29/2013 10:36:53 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:35 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by GioiaMia
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
No offense, but I think it's irresponsible to NOT think of the financial aspect of it. No one said I wouldn't love and care for them.
We would make it work, end of story. and my children would not suffer because they would be learning to share and sacrifice for the good of their family.
FTR, I have life insurance. . . . and my brother never asked me a single question about it when I put him as a guardian. I think that would have made me question my choice.
ok, thanks.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:37 AM |
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MandJZ
Time for Baby #2!
Member since 8/10 4194 total posts
Name:
M
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by GioiaMia
Posted by 2BadSoSad
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
No offense, but I think it's irresponsible to NOT think of the financial aspect of it. No one said I wouldn't love and care for them.
We would make it work, end of story. and my children would not suffer because they would be learning to share and sacrifice for the good of their family.
That's great that it would somehow work out for you. Not everyone is in a situation to 'make it work'. You don't know what the family situation is for the OP or anyone else. For example, as I mentioned, in my personal situation caring for my nephew and any future children would involve either moving THEM to a different country or moving myself, DH and any children WE have to a different country. I would do it in a heartbeat, but there is a huge financial aspect to that. It is not at all cold or heartless or unloving to expect or suggest that the financial aspect is considered. Just like people save in advance for their child's college education, so too should parents consider if God forbid something happened to them how their children would be cared for.
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| Posted 4/29/13 10:39 AM |
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nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
If you cannot take the additional responsibilities of more children, tell them. DH (since it's his sister) should say you are both honored but you don't think either of you could handle the responsibility.
If it is only a financial concern, I would speak to them about life insurance. Also keep in mind that you would likely get monthly social security payments for each child which will help defray costs. ::crossing my fingers they work on the books::
Actually I would speak to them about life insurance even if it wasn't a financial concern. It's not just for the future guardian of their kids. It's for them. If something happens to either one of them, they need something to hold them over.
Also a key point: It's a lot easier & less expensive to get life insurance when you are younger.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:14 AM |
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LadyBug1209
Mommy to FOUR little men!
Member since 8/08 9655 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:21 AM |
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ThreeforTea
Girls just want to have fun..
Member since 5/12 7482 total posts
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Mama
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by LadyBug1209
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
Agree with you ladies.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:24 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by LadyBug1209
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
I just dont understand why you WOULD NOT think of it while you still can? No one has passed away, no one is suffering, everyone is fine, why WOULDN'T you plan for this? That is great if you have the means to make it work, we WOULD NOT. It is not a matter of making some adjustments, we could NOT afford two more children. I just seems irresponsible to me to not plan for this. I DID NOT say I wouldnt take them, that I wouldnt care for them but why not discuss this while we still can? That makes no sense to me and just seems irresponsible.
Message edited 4/29/2013 11:27:53 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:25 AM |
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Traysee
LIF Adolescent
Member since 12/10 652 total posts
Name:
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Quite the dilemma
My first thought after reading all of this is wondering if they have retirement, a house or other assets that could be sold to help with expenses. We have life insurance and retirement in addition to a home and some other "toys". My sister is the second on our life insurance and she would get my kids if god forbid something happened to us. My sisters house could not fit our 2 plus her 3 in it. She would have to sell both houses and get a bigger one or move into our house, which is only 2 blocks away.
For me though I would get my sisters 3 or my BIL's 2 in the event that god forbid anything happened to any of them. There is no way I wouldn't take in any orphaned children regardless of funding, however you do need to have a conversation with them and talk to them about the financial end of it. Maybe she mentioned it casually because they haven't thought it through.
My IL's were over last year and my BIL said he didn't have much life insurance. He was afraid she would do him in to collect the money and he said he didn't want my SIL to be financially set and live off "his money" with her new husband. He said she would just have to go get a job. I told him he was a moron and that the money wasn't for my SIL it was for HIS CHILDREN to keep them in their home. She could never make what he makes
After that conversation my SIL made sure they both had life insurance within 2 weeks LOL.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:35 AM |
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MrsA714
Baby #2 is here!
Member since 8/07 8806 total posts
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by LadyBug1209
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
I agree as well. Not that I don't understand where the OP is coming from. When DH and I have thought about this we always considered the expenses and burden on our choices. But even the most thought out, well laid plans can have problems too. But it definitely would have been the last thing on my mind for sure. I also come from a family of 'non planners' so that's probably why 
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:35 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Traysee
My first thought after reading all of this is wondering if they have retirement, a house or other assets that could be sold to help with expenses. We have life insurance and retirement in addition to a home and some other "toys". My sister is the second on our life insurance and she would get my kids if god forbid something happened to us. My sisters house could not fit our 2 plus her 3 in it. She would have to sell both houses and get a bigger one or move into our house, which is only 2 blocks away.
For me though I would get my sisters 3 or my BIL's 2 in the event that god forbid anything happened to any of them. There is no way I wouldn't take in any orphaned children regardless of funding, however you do need to have a conversation with them and talk to them about the financial end of it. Maybe she mentioned it casually because they haven't thought it through.
My IL's were over last year and my BIL said he didn't have much life insurance. He was afraid she would do him in to collect the money and he said he didn't want my SIL to be financially set and live off "his money" with her new husband. He said she would just have to go get a job. I told him he was a moron and that the money wasn't for my SIL it was for HIS CHILDREN to keep them in their home. She could never make what he makes
After that conversation my SIL made sure they both had life insurance within 2 weeks LOL.
They do not, BIL has a small business with a partner, there is no retirement fund and they are renters and do not own a home, just to answer your questions.
I dont know, I feel like we took precuations for our own children, planned so that my sister would not have the financial burden of additional children, and would only have to focus on THEM then. We have made smart financial decisions to put us in a good place, to be able to provide for our children, to be able to send them to college, for us to be able to retire. It is not about the love for my niece or nephew, it is not about being honored or not, it is about the irresponsibilty of my SIL and BIL to not plan for something like this and ease the blow of having to financially raise more children. We simply could not afford two more children. It is not a life I would want for any of the children. It is not about honor and love, it is about being responsible while you still can be. I dont see anything wrong with that.
Message edited 4/29/2013 11:42:13 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:39 AM |
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MrsDrMatt
Live and RUN like a Ninja!
Member since 5/06 3104 total posts
Name:
MrsDrMatt
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by forevermylilgirls
Posted by LadyBug1209
Posted by GioiaMia
I am sure their children would suffer more since their parents would be dead.
I have been told that I am a possible guardian for 4 children, 2 who will need lifelong care and I never once thought about the financial aspect of it. . . I am reading the OP and responses with my mouth wide open
I'm with you on this. I am the guardian for my brother's 3 children and the financial aspect was really the last thing on my mind when they asked me... I was honored that they chose us to raise their children should something happen to them. If God forbid we were to lose both my brother and SIL, we would do anything we could to make sure they were taken care of. Would it be a huge adjustment, of course! But I would never think of the $$ over caring for my niece and nephews... you do what you have to do in that situation.
Agree with you ladies.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:40 AM |
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Karen
Just chillin'!!
Member since 1/06 9690 total posts
Name:
Karen
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Some of these responses are really quite ridiculous! No one is saying they would turn the kids out onto the street without $$, but let's be realistic. There are very few of us who tomorrow could take on 2 or 3 more kids and NOT feel a significant financial pinch. Who among us could afford 2 or 3 more kids in daycare??? Or could sell their house tomorrow and buy a bigger one??
Would everyone make it work to the best of their abilities?? Of course!!! Would some pre-planning on the part of the parents make an absolutely horrible situation slightly better? Certainly!
Message edited 4/29/2013 11:42:35 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:41 AM |
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2BadSoSad
LIF Adult
Member since 8/12 6791 total posts
Name:
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Re: Quite the dilemma
Posted by Karen
Some of these responses are really quite ridiculous! No one is saying they would turn the kids out onto the street without $$, but let's be realistic. There are very few of us who tomorrow could take on 2 or 3 more kids and NOT feel a significant financial pinch. Who among us could afford 2 or 3 more kids in daycare??? Or could sell their house tomorrow and buy a bigger one??
Would everyone make it work to the best of their abilities?? Of course!!! Would some pre-planning on the part of the parents make an absolutely horrible situation slightly better? Certainly!
This is how I feel and exactly what I mean, of course I would take them (which Ive said a few times) but I just dont understand why not plan for it while you still can? I just dont understand why you wouldnt?
Message edited 4/29/2013 11:43:37 AM.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:43 AM |
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mnmsoinlove
Mommy to 2 sweet girls!
Member since 3/09 8585 total posts
Name:
Melissa
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Re: Quite the dilemma
They should get life insurance. However if they work and pay into social security there would be some monthly income for the children from that until they turned 18. My aunt took her niece in after her sister and husband were murdered. They didn't have life insurance but she did get money from ss every month.
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| Posted 4/29/13 11:46 AM |
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