| Posted By |
Message |
| Pages: << 2 3 4 [5] |
pinkandblue
Our family is complete, maybe
Member since 9/05 32436 total posts
Name:
Stephanie
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Posted by chelle
I might be in the minority, but I don't think staying together JUST for the kids is the right thing to do. I have seen that backfire way too many times
you are definitely not in the minority, I think just the opposite
I am sure not many people would stay in it SOLELY for the kids
|
Posted 2/18/10 10:42 AM  |
| |
|
Long Island Weddings
Long Island's Largest Bridal Resource |
XcalystaX
Sooo Sleep Deprived....
Member since 7/06 2742 total posts
Name:
S
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Posted by LittleBlueBug
...and please be careful with the "getting physical" part. That is one thing that scares me most, personally, when a SO cheats, is the potential health reprucussions the cheating spouse may inflict on the innocent party. Sex doesn't solve problems either. He can not be touchy feely and expect that to make everything go away.
Just read your update and totally agree with the poster above. I would make him get checked out before anything would ever happen- the last thing you need is to catch something. I am also super happy for you that you have your first counseling appointment coming up. Many hugs.
|
| Posted 2/18/10 10:51 AM |
| |
|
MrsS2005
Mom of 3
Member since 11/05 13118 total posts
Name:
B
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
I'm so sorry you're going through this.  It seems like he's sorry he got caught, not that he cheated. He didn't tell you about the affair until you caught him and confronted him. If he was sorry he cheated and really wanted to work on the marriage, he'd unfriend her on FB, cut off all contact with her, throw out anything that had to do with her, go to counseling and give you his passwords.
I don't know if I could forgive a cheating spouse, but I know I couldn't remain in a marriage if there wasn't major effort from both people to work on things. Sweeping it under the rug won't solve anything and certainly won't help you work through your feelings.
I'm glad you're going to counseling. You need to focus on yourself and your child. Do you have a good support system of family or friends? As scary as it may be to split up, do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you can't trust? What advice would you give to your child if he or she was in this situation? I respect you for trying to work on the marriage, but your DH also needs to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust. You can't save your marriage by yourself. I wish you lots of luck with whatever you decide.
|
| Posted 2/18/10 11:19 AM |
| |
|
NeedSupport
LIF Zygote
Member since 12/09 13 total posts
Name:
L
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Posted by LittleBlueBug
...and please be careful with the "getting physical" part. That is one thing that scares me most, personally, when a SO cheats, is the potential health reprucussions the cheating spouse may inflict on the innocent party. Sex doesn't solve problems either. He can not be touchy feely and expect that to make everything go away.
Just an FYI, I have a doctor appointment to get checked for STD's and other diseases. I told DH. He wasn't too happy but I think that's b/c it was a slap in the face of how much he hurt me and could have potentially risked my health.
Also, I just want to say that in no way am I wanting to work on our marriage JUST for our child. I mean, its one of the main reasons, but I really do love this man and, despite this situation, I'd be foolish to not try to work it out.
|
| Posted 2/18/10 7:45 PM |
| |
|
MommyofG
just the girls
Member since 5/05 9461 total posts
Name:
Janice
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
so sorry you are going through this. I understand you have built a life with this man, you have a child together and you love him BUT remember YOU are in the drivers seat and you NOW call the shots and are in control.
If he is truly sorry then he will do what you say, want, he should be at your becking call kissing your arse to make things work. NOT you having to ask him to go to counseling, or deleting her from facebook.
You may have to come to realization that he is not into saving the marriage on the same level as you are regarding trust, integrity, and respect.
It is going to very hard to face it face to face but really look at the big picture here-
He confesses, cries, pours his heart out wants to work things out be sexual with you
BUT
he is not willing to go to counseling, remove her from his life or get rid of the memories and keep them in your sacred bedroom no less.
YOU
have to be strong and whip him back to reality and having sex or wanting to with you isnt what fixes a marriage.
If you want to hang in there and go to counseling great, but I bet if you go to counseling by yourself you will leave him.
the counseling is going to open your eyes ears and heart to whats real, your dreams, your hopes, the reality of whats really going on. at that point can you really then make a decision on how you want to live your life.
I do not believe that without him going to counseling of some sort he will ever change and it doesnt sit right with me that he is using a simple apology and sex to win you back!
good luck.
|
| Posted 2/27/10 4:24 PM |
| |
|
nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.
Member since 7/05 57538 total posts
Name:
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Now that someone has bumped this - how are you doing? How did therapy go?
|
| Posted 2/27/10 4:39 PM |
| |
|
Marybeth222
My Girls!
Member since 5/05 2688 total posts
Name:
Marybeth
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Posted by NeedSupport
Posted by Ophelia
first of all, two things NEED to happen.
your home must be PURGED of anything that had to do with their "relationship". thrown away. burned in effigy. whatever you want. whatever makes you comfortable.
and, he MUST defriend her. an absolute MUST. there is just no way I would sit by and allow him to be friends with a woman he slept with. no. NO.
what I get from you is that you don't believe they've totally ended their contact.
Well, I've found some things when I went looking. but, he dosent know I know. Do I get rid of them and see if he find out tht I did when he goes to look for them? Or, Do I make him get rid of them?
As far as FB, she blocked me so I can't see her on thre at all. but a friend of mine who knows whats going on looked for me the other day and found that she was still his friend. I can't go on his FB account anymore b/c he changed the password when I told him I went on his page. he said that he changed it b/c he didn't want me to drive myself insane looking all the time (partly true) but I also told him that when he dosent give me access to things then it makes him look suspicious. If wasn't hiding anything, then I'd be able to look.
Part of me does think that they are in contact with one another. She hasn't emailed him (I have his email password) as far as I can tell. I have her address and I went to her house but she wasnt home. I honestly wasnt even going to talk to her. I just wanted to see where she lives. I know a lot about her b/c I googled her and I checked her out on FB. I have her private email address. I want to contact her so badly but I know it wont do me and my DH any good. AND, to boot, she is married too. So, I want to tell her husband everything but, again, it wouldn't do any good.
If he isn't willing to give up the FB page and he's changed his password, I would be very cautious of going forward with him. You've been hurt and he needs to prove to you that he's in this for the long haul. I don't get the feeling that he's really trying. He got caught, he hurt your feelings and he's trying to get back into your good graces. My ex husband was the same way. He cheated, tried to make it like he was willing to make it work, I trusted him again, it was tough, and then WHAM did it again. Then I was like I'm outta here. You have to do what works for you, I don't blame you for trying to work it out, but you can't make him do it, he has to want to do it. I hope it works out for you but his resistance to removing her from his life concerns me. 
|
| Posted 3/2/10 8:48 AM |
| |
|
Marybeth222
My Girls!
Member since 5/05 2688 total posts
Name:
Marybeth
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Posted by NeedSupport
Posted by LittleBlueBug
...and please be careful with the "getting physical" part. That is one thing that scares me most, personally, when a SO cheats, is the potential health reprucussions the cheating spouse may inflict on the innocent party. Sex doesn't solve problems either. He can not be touchy feely and expect that to make everything go away.
Just an FYI, I have a doctor appointment to get checked for STD's and other diseases. I told DH. He wasn't too happy but I think that's b/c it was a slap in the face of how much he hurt me and could have potentially risked my health.
Also, I just want to say that in no way am I wanting to work on our marriage JUST for our child. I mean, its one of the main reasons, but I really do love this man and, despite this situation, I'd be foolish to not try to work it out.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you go to your doctor to get checked. Changes are he was NOT using protection and now he's putting you in harms way. You should trick him. Tell him you went to the doctor and he said you have an abnormal pap and you need to know if he used condoms or not. Trust me, he'll confess.
|
| Posted 3/2/10 8:51 AM |
| |
|
ARIELSMOM
Love my Babes
Member since 8/05 5889 total posts
Name:
MEREDITH
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
your a saint- i dont know how you are able to do it. it sounds like your DH is still in contact with her and has developed feelings for her that he doesnt want to let go. but loves you and knows that he shouldnt let you go.i have no advice- just hoping that you do what you know is best for you and what will make you happy
|
| Posted 3/2/10 9:15 AM |
| |
|
Diane
Hope is Contagious....catch it
Member since 5/05 30683 total posts
Name:
D
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
|
| Posted 3/2/10 9:41 AM |
| |
|
Reese1106
Family of 4! :o)
Member since 8/06 6655 total posts
Name:
Theresa
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
I'm so sorry.
|
| Posted 3/2/10 11:20 AM |
| |
|
keepinmyman
LIF Infant
Member since 9/07 212 total posts
Name:
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
I've been through this and I can tell you that all the excuses he is giving you are just that, excuses. If he was truly sorry and wanted to make it work he would respect you enough to get rid of everything and do what he needs to do to repair your marriage. There is no reason to be friends with her other than that he is not done. That's it. Now only you know what you are willing and able to do. No one can make the decision for you. You will know when you have had enough and only you. I was lucky to have had it work out but it took a VERY long time and honestly if we had been in a better position financially I may not be married to DH right now. But everything happens for a reason and my years (yes YEARS) of unhappiness ended up paying off for me and now we have another beautiful baby and DH really turned himself around. But a lot of damage was done in the process and I don't recommend this to anyone!!Everyone has their own rock bottom and I God gave me strength I didn't know I even had. If everything goes on like nothing happened then there are no consequences for him, so what has he learned? My best to you. Stay strong and have faith in yourself.
|
| Posted 3/2/10 11:25 AM |
| |
|
MsMBV
:P
Member since 5/05 28602 total posts
Name:
Me
|
Re: DH cheated..what do I do? UPDATED 2/18
Posted by NeedSupport
Well, I've found some things when I went looking. but, he dosent know I know. Do I get rid of them and see if he find out tht I did when he goes to look for them? Or, Do I make him get rid of them?
As far as FB, she blocked me so I can't see her on thre at all. but a friend of mine who knows whats going on looked for me the other day and found that she was still his friend. I can't go on his FB account anymore b/c he changed the password when I told him I went on his page. he said that he changed it b/c he didn't want me to drive myself insane looking all the time (partly true) but I also told him that when he dosent give me access to things then it makes him look suspicious. If wasn't hiding anything, then I'd be able to look.
Part of me does think that they are in contact with one another. She hasn't emailed him (I have his email password) as far as I can tell. I have her address and I went to her house but she wasnt home. I honestly wasnt even going to talk to her. I just wanted to see where she lives. I know a lot about her b/c I googled her and I checked her out on FB. I have her private email address. I want to contact her so badly but I know it wont do me and my DH any good. AND, to boot, she is married too. So, I want to tell her husband everything but, again, it wouldn't do any good.
SHE blocked YOU? That's a red flag as well. It seems to me that all of these actions are designed to keep you in the dark and feeling guilty for something you did not do. He changed his password to keep you from making YOURSELF crazy? These are all excuses. HE is doing things to make you question everything about your marriage and yourself. He cheated, and now he is twisting it to make it your burden. I am sorry but until he at least fully accepts responsibility for what he has done/is doing, and stops using these tactics to make it seem like it is your doing, then no matter what you do your trust will diminish further and further.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but it is turning my stomach that he cheated and is turning it around so badly. It honestly makes me worry that he is undermining your emotional stability on top of the infidelity. Please see the therapist by yourself, if for no other reason to keep as clear of a head as possible, and to make sure you do not lose yourself futher in this mess.
I hope that everything works out for the best for yoru & your family. 
|
| Posted 3/3/10 8:29 AM |
| |
|
| Pages: << 2 3 4 [5] |
