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I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that) UPDATE

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KristinasMama
How did she turn 2 so quickly?

Member since 10/07

8257 total posts

Name:
Blessed Mama of Kristina Elena

I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that) UPDATE

Let me preface this by giving you the backround on us...

We have been BFF since 1990, so 18 years of friendship. I know things about her that her own DH doesn't know. She has a sister, but her sister and her aren't as close as she would like for them to be - so she looks at me as the sister that she wants.

She was raised by her grandparents, so in essence, they were her parents.

Her grandfather passed away 3 years ago, and on his deathbed, he asked her to promise that she take care of her grandmother to which my BFF complied.

Her grandmother is now suffering from dementia which became onset after grandpa passed. Chat Icon

My BFF has control of her grandmother's finances, and is her health care proxy. The past week has been absolute HELL for her.

Last week, grandma called her in the middle of the night, and told her that she couldn't move at all. But, no one could enter the house b/c no one has the keys. My BFF had to call the FD to break into the house. She took grandma to the hospital and apparently grandma has a severe case of sciatica which was impairing movement. The doctors gave her meds.

Then last night... all hell broke loose. Grandma called the cops. Told them that there were people dancing and singing in the upstairs of her house. My BFF researched the meds that the doctors in the ER prescribed for her, and it turns out that in patients with dementia, THEY ARE HALLUCINOGENS! Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

ETA: Last night when my BFF went over to deal with the cops at grandma's house, she got hold of the pills that the ER doctors had given her, and mind you that she got this on Monday night or Tuesday morning, and out of 40 pills which were prescribed to her, 6 WERE LEFT!!!!!!!!!

So anyway, grandma called my BFF's house last night at 2, 4, and 6am telling her that her son doesn't believe her and he doesn't care about her and that the people are still dancing & singing upstairs!

Fast forward to today....

My BFF has to take her MIL to the doctor for a sono b/c she may have uterine cancer and she leaves her DD's with me to watch until her DH can get home from work. She gets into work and doesn't even have time to say hello to the doctor that she works for and her cell rings, and it's her neighbors daughter telling her that grandma fell.... My BFF is now hysterical when she calls me to tell me what's going on.... apparently grandma 'saw' 3 men in blue shirts at her back door - THERE WAS NO ONE THERE.... and she ran to the back to find out what they wanted and she fell... Chat Icon

They have released grandma from the hospital b/c insurance won't cover her to stay there. They did a CAT scan and there is nothing wrong with her mind with the exception of the dementia so they can't keep her, and my BFF is tortured at the fact that she HAS to turn her phones off otherwise she will get no sleep.... She is leaving it for grandma's son to deal with.

My BF is a mess.... she's exhausted, and drained. Her MIL is taking her daughter's tomorrow, and her DH is working all day, so she is going to try to sleep, but I want to do something for her.... Butttttttt, this is a woman who is dealing with OCD with her home, so helping her clean is out of the question... She HAS to do it herself. She is very VERY very picky with meals, so cooking is out of the question, I can watch the girls with no problem, but the problem with that is that her DH is hardly ever home right now b/c it's the busy season at work so she can't even enjoy time with him....

If you have gotten through this whole thing... can you suggest something that I can do for her that would help HER mind? She's going to snap.... Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Thank you sooo much if you have read all this! Chat Icon

Update: So, grandma had to go back into the hospital the following day. Apparently when the cousin stayed over with her all night, she was throwing up all night long, and the next day she began to throw up blood. Chat Icon

She has an NG tube down her throat and they couldn't even give her any kind of pain meds to get it down... and the WORST part - she has since they inserted it... taken it out over 5 times. She has literally 'seen' men who come into her room and tell her that if she takes it out she will feel sooooooooo much better. She has done the same with her IV, as well as her foley catheter...

They think there is an obstruction of the small bowel, and she finally started having some bowel movements tonight, but it was all loose stool. The surgeon is going to Xray her tomorrow, and depending on what he sees she may have to have an operation.

The problem is that this is on an 85 year old woman who they are unsure if she is going to tolerate being put under well or not due to the advanced age... Chat Icon

Message edited 10/22/2008 11:23:43 PM.

Posted 10/20/08 9:35 PM
 
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dm24angel
Happiness

Member since 5/05

34581 total posts

Name:
Donna

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

You are a really great friend. I mean that. I think what you told us, you need to tell her. Ask her WHAT she needs. Tell her anything and make her tell you. Maybe a nice night at home with a bottle of wine, while you get her kids to bed ( if you can get yourself a babysitter of course? ) Or sending her to get her nails done...something that allows for some "alone" time?

Posted 10/20/08 10:38 PM
 

KristinasMama
How did she turn 2 so quickly?

Member since 10/07

8257 total posts

Name:
Blessed Mama of Kristina Elena

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Thank you Donna... Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

I think I figured out something that will help her....

I mentioned it on the parenting XPost that I made....

A walk on the boardwalk. She's been mentioning it....

I'm going to see if I can't ask her older DD (she's 13) to keep an ear out for the 2 younger ones after they fall asleep and hijack my bff w/some dunkin donuts coffee, and take her to the beach...

If anyone has any other ideas, please feel free to throw them into the pot.... I really want to help her get through this rough patch.

Posted 10/20/08 11:00 PM
 

CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!

Member since 5/05

14007 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

I would research options for her Grandma. If Grandma has dementia and it's inhibiting her to perform some activities of daily living, she should have an aid in the home or be in a nursing facility. It doesn't sound like Grandma should be living by herself right now. She can't take medication properly (which can kill her) and who knows what she is eating or if she is leaving the stove on.

I would find out what needs to happen to qualify for Medicare to kick in to cover a nursing home expense or aide expense. I believe that a person is eligible for something after a 3 day stay in the hospital.

Did your friend tell the ER doctors that she had dementia? If so, I would call and complain that about the meds that they gave her.

I hope things work out. Chat Icon

Posted 10/21/08 8:16 AM
 

KristinasMama
How did she turn 2 so quickly?

Member since 10/07

8257 total posts

Name:
Blessed Mama of Kristina Elena

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by shamrock124

I would research options for her Grandma. If Grandma has dementia and it's inhibiting her to perform some activities of daily living, she should have an aid in the home or be in a nursing facility. It doesn't sound like Grandma should be living by herself right now. She can't take medication properly (which can kill her) and who knows what she is eating or if she is leaving the stove on.

I would find out what needs to happen to qualify for Medicare to kick in to cover a nursing home expense or aide expense. I believe that a person is eligible for something after a 3 day stay in the hospital.

Did your friend tell the ER doctors that she had dementia? If so, I would call and complain that about the meds that they gave her.

I hope things work out. Chat Icon



She actually wants to put her into a nursing home b/c she can't take care of her full time. She has 3 daughters - 13, 4, and 3 years of age. Plus she has her DH.... she can't do it full time....

She is begging her uncle to do it, BUT her uncle refuses to see that there is anything wrong with his mother that she needs this kind of care.

The problem is that Grandma hasn't had a 3 day stay in the hospital since 2 years ago..... That's why Medicare is giving her an issue.... They sent her home last night after the fall b/c the CAT scan showed nothing was wrong in her head... So, we made arrangements for one of the cousins to sleep over last night that way if she wakes up hearing the singing and dancing, or if anyone else comes to the house in blue work shirts, that cousin could tell her grandma... .there's no one there, go back to sleep. KWIM?

Oh and regarding the medication that was prescribed to grandma.... my bff called and ripped the doctor a new hole!

My bf totally agrees that she is a danger to herself.... the doctor asked her last night if she thought that grandma was a danger to herself, and she said yes.... i believe she is. but b/c of the CAT scan results - they sent her home...

Chat Icon

Posted 10/21/08 8:37 AM
 

nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.

Member since 7/05

57538 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by shamrock124
etd.



ITA with this.


Posted by KristinasMama

She is begging her uncle to do it, BUT her uncle refuses to see that there is anything wrong with his mother that she needs this kind of care.





It's not the uncle's choice. She cannot take care of herself as evidenced by her overdose of medication, etc. She is a danger to herself & can be a danger to others.

I would put my friend in contact with an elder care agency that will force the issue.

Posted 10/21/08 11:06 AM
 

KristinasMama
How did she turn 2 so quickly?

Member since 10/07

8257 total posts

Name:
Blessed Mama of Kristina Elena

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by nrthshgrl

Posted by shamrock124
etd.



ITA with this.


Posted by KristinasMama

She is begging her uncle to do it, BUT her uncle refuses to see that there is anything wrong with his mother that she needs this kind of care.





It's not the uncle's choice. She cannot take care of herself as evidenced by her overdose of medication, etc. She is a danger to herself & can be a danger to others.

I would put my friend in contact with an elder care agency that will force the issue.



She knows this Barb.... Chat Icon She's working on doing this now. I just wish that her uncle would open his eyes.... Chat Icon

Posted 10/21/08 11:45 AM
 

CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!

Member since 5/05

14007 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by KristinasMama


She knows this Barb.... Chat Icon She's working on doing this now. I just wish that her uncle would open his eyes.... Chat Icon



If your friend has a health care proxy and control over Grandma's finances - which leads me to believe that, that is granted by a durable power of attorney, the Uncle has no say. The reason for such documents was that Grandma could say who she wanted in charge if there ever came a time when she wasn't able to make those decisions herself.

Does Grandma have money for care or insurance? If so, I would contact an agency and start interviewing. If not, I would start getting Medicare involved and figuring out what the process is.

Posted 10/21/08 1:00 PM
 

Blu-ize
Plan B is Now Plan A

Member since 7/05

32475 total posts

Name:
Susan

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

she can't live alone. She needs a home health aide and possibly a nursing home. She needs to tell her uncle that she can't be alone. He needs to get the calls at all hours of the night. If he did, he would feel the same way.

I would accuse the uncle of neglect. Get him riled up so that he fights a bit. He is in complete denial which is very common.

If she's the POA, Proxy..etc..why can't she make the call and do what has to be done? Why does she even need him?

Posted 10/21/08 1:02 PM
 

KristinasMama
How did she turn 2 so quickly?

Member since 10/07

8257 total posts

Name:
Blessed Mama of Kristina Elena

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by shamrock124

Posted by KristinasMama


She knows this Barb.... Chat Icon She's working on doing this now. I just wish that her uncle would open his eyes.... Chat Icon



If your friend has a health care proxy and control over Grandma's finances - which leads me to believe that, that is granted by a durable power of attorney, the Uncle has no say. The reason for such documents was that Grandma could say who she wanted in charge if there ever came a time when she wasn't able to make those decisions herself.

Does Grandma have money for care or insurance? If so, I would contact an agency and start interviewing. If not, I would start getting Medicare involved and figuring out what the process is.



she is her POA, but her uncle is the executor of the will. her house needs to be sold in order to provide for nursing home costs as no one in the family has that money to lay out, and her uncle will not release the house for sale.

Posted 10/21/08 3:34 PM
 

CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!

Member since 5/05

14007 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by KristinasMama

.



she is her POA, but her uncle is the executor of the will. her house needs to be sold in order to provide for nursing home costs as no one in the family has that money to lay out, and her uncle will not release the house for sale.


The Uncle doesn't have any input in matters until Grandma dies. There currently is no will to be executed so he has no say. If your friend has a durable poa that includes language that allows her to make financial decisions it may also have language that allows her to sell real estate. I also wouldn't be so quick to say the house needs to be sold to provide for nursing home expenses.

Who's name is the house in? Only that person and a properly appointed DPOA can negotiate the property. The uncle would have no say unless he owns it or it's in a trust he is a trustee for.

I'll be honest. There are lots of pieces missing and I would suggest speaking with the estate attorney that drew up the documents soon.

Posted 10/21/08 3:55 PM
 

nrthshgrl
It goes fast. Pay attention.

Member since 7/05

57538 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

Posted by shamrock124

Posted by KristinasMama

.



she is her POA, but her uncle is the executor of the will. her house needs to be sold in order to provide for nursing home costs as no one in the family has that money to lay out, and her uncle will not release the house for sale.



The Uncle doesn't have any input in matters until Grandma dies. There currently is no will to be executed so he has no say. If your friend has a durable poa that includes language that allows her to make financial decisions it may also have language that allows her to sell real estate. I also wouldn't be so quick to say the house needs to be sold to provide for nursing home expenses.

Who's name is the house in? Only that person and a properly appointed DPOA can negotiate the property. The uncle would have no say unless he owns it or it's in a trust he is a trustee for.

I'll be honest. There are lots of pieces missing and I would suggest speaking with the estate attorney that drew up the documents soon.


I agree. Morgan/shamrock124 has a lot of business experience in these matters, so I would heed her advice.

The uncle is in charge of the ESTATE after she dies. With POA, your friend calls the shots. It's up to her whether or not she wants her grandmother in a safer place.

Tell her to make that call.

Posted 10/21/08 4:17 PM
 

Tinyswife
My family is complete

Member since 4/07

1819 total posts

Name:
Cathleen

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that)

First off Chat Icon Chat Icon for your BFF. My MIL has a severe case of dementia also that started after the loss of my FIL. She is only 64. The drs state that if they have the gene a suddon trauma can start it up and fast. We had so many problems till we made the decision for her to go into assisted living. At first it was hard for her. But now she loves it. It is really like a resort. The assisted living has a unit for all dementia patients. They work with them and there minds from when they get up till when they go to sleep. This has helped her alot. In the end this was the best decision. Now when ever we see her we realize how much happier she is.

Posted 10/21/08 7:38 PM
 

CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!

Member since 5/05

14007 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that) UPDATE

I asked one of the estate attorneys here what happens when someone needs nursing home care who's only asset is real property that is the primary residence.

He said that the person applies for Medicaid and at the most, the state attaches a lien to the house to get paid back when the home is sold.

I would suggest that your friend take Grandma to Medicaid and she what she qualifies for so Grandma can get the help she needs.

If you have any specific questions, I will be happy to get those answers as well.

Posted 10/23/08 8:12 AM
 

KristinasMama
How did she turn 2 so quickly?

Member since 10/07

8257 total posts

Name:
Blessed Mama of Kristina Elena

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that) UPDATE

Posted by shamrock124

I asked one of the estate attorneys here what happens when someone needs nursing home care who's only asset is real property that is the primary residence.

He said that the person applies for Medicaid and at the most, the state attaches a lien to the house to get paid back when the home is sold.

I would suggest that your friend take Grandma to Medicaid and she what she qualifies for so Grandma can get the help she needs.

If you have any specific questions, I will be happy to get those answers as well.



Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Thank you sooooooooooo much! I will forward her the information!!!!!!!

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 10/23/08 10:24 PM
 

CookiePuss
Cake from Outer Space!

Member since 5/05

14007 total posts

Name:

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that) UPDATE

Posted by KristinasMama

Update: So, grandma had to go back into the hospital the following day. Apparently when the cousin stayed over with her all night, she was throwing up all night long, and the next day she began to throw up blood. Chat Icon

She has an NG tube down her throat and they couldn't even give her any kind of pain meds to get it down... and the WORST part - she has since they inserted it... taken it out over 5 times. She has literally 'seen' men who come into her room and tell her that if she takes it out she will feel sooooooooo much better. She has done the same with her IV, as well as her foley catheter...

They think there is an obstruction of the small bowel, and she finally started having some bowel movements tonight, but it was all loose stool. The surgeon is going to Xray her tomorrow, and depending on what he sees she may have to have an operation.

The problem is that this is on an 85 year old woman who they are unsure if she is going to tolerate being put under well or not due to the advanced age... Chat Icon



One positive thing is that after a 3 day stay she will be eligible to move to a nursing home for 90 days under Medicare. From there, she can apply for Medicaid with the help of her social workers. Please have your friend speak to the person at the hospital that handles this.

Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon Chat Icon

Posted 10/24/08 7:55 AM
 

ILuvDolphins
LIF Zygote

Member since 10/08

23 total posts

Name:
Sharon

Re: I don't know what I can do for my BFF.... (this is REALLY long, and I'm sorry for that) UPDATE

OMG I can so relate. but my grandma is 99 & I'm taking care of everything I understand everything your BFF is going through, You have a gr-8 heart!! Chat Icon I think that's why I only work part-time to actually attend to her needs...

Posted 10/24/08 1:20 PM
 
 

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